I broke up with her, now she doesn't leave me alone

[RedeemMe]

Hello all,

 

I am still recuperating from the guilt of breaking up with her and she just does not leave me alone. Let me give a briefing on our relationship of around 2+ years. She is a divorcee with a 5 yr old son and I am a little younger than her. We started out as friends and she fell in love with me. I was wary of the relationship as I could not picture myself being a father without even becoming a father. I told her about it and she agreed about that and she said all she needed is a good companion and a friend. She said she would understand if I had to part my way somewhere down the lane. We had a good relationship from then on and I started falling in love with her too. We shared things, life and bed.

 

There were many times when I shied away knowing that I cannot contnie this relationship. But everytime, I got yelled at for being a player and being a coward and what not. She kept reminding me of how I promised her that I will always be there for her. When I made that promise it was true. But all this was too much for me, cause I knew I could not put a good meaning to this relationship. I had to end this.

 

Last year I told her about this and went away, but only to be sucked back into the relationship, by the same guilt-trips and 'only friendship' talks. I was hurting day-by-day as I got sucked deeper and deeper into this relationship. I loved this woman and I really cared for her, but I just could not picture myself out there taking care of her son and other baggages. My parents hated her too.

 

It was all too much and I snapped 6 months back. I broke up with her. And its been really bad. I have come to terms with it as I knew this would happen all along, although I did not think that I would stop talking to her completely. But I had to take this route. Everytime I talked to her I got sucked back in and it wasmore difficult to crawl back out. So after the break up she did not take it well. She kept mailing me and calling me. I tried to tell her that its over and I cannot bring myself to it.

 

But she kept insiting that we should be friends. I said I could not do it. Its too painful and it only makes me pulled back in to the relationship. One day she emails saying she wishes happiness for me and that she hopes I find a good partner and the next days she emails I burn in hell and she will see to it that my life is ruined.

 

To this day, she tries to call me randomly. Thhere are days when its lull and suddenly the activity is picked on. There are flurries of email and calls. The last email I sent to her was 3 months back asking to be left alone and that I cannot take it anymore. She saw that email and send another 10 emails saying she just wants to talk and she hopes I am happy. and then another 10 emails saying what a player I am and how I left her to dies and all that.

 

I have nothing to lose on this forum, so to tell you the truth, I never cheated on her, I truly loved her and cared for her. But all the emotional expenditure from my side became too much and I had to let go. She keeps calling and emailing.

 

What do you all think she wants. Why can't she leave me alone. I have had enough of all this threatening, name calling and mud slinging. I have fallen out of love with her after all this But I do care for her since she and I shared some good time together.

 

Please advise if I should confront her again, because I seriously feel it would not help in anyway as I am over with this relationship.

Sorry for the long post, but I just did not know who to turn to.

[Robert013]

If you do not want to be with her then no. You have to let her know and then disappear. You will just give her hope if you stay in contact

[redhearts]

She thinks she can manipulate you into being with her, if you don't want her ignore her. That is all you can really do, save the e-mails, especially the threats. If it gets too bad then place a restraining order to show her you mean business.

[RedeemMe]

thank you robert and redheart.

As if the guilt is not enough, I have to deal with these unnecessary calls, emails. I am not the guy who will lash out on someone, but this is getting on my nerves. When I say not to contact me, I meant that. She calls about how she is having a fever and how her son Josh, fell off the skates and its all because of me!!! I want to slap her back to reality, but my other part says you loved this woman, she is good at heart but all this break up is getting to her. But its been months already, she should get a grip on it, instead of making me feel miserable.

[helpsurvive]

redeemMe,

 

How can you promise you will always there for her and also had a deal that you will part ways.. Most of the women will emotionally be connected with their man and it will not be easy to let go if they are given such hopes and promises. Because you enabled these feelings..

 

Why not next time when she calls, tell her that you cannot talk right now, as you need to meet with your "imaginary" girlfriend.

[RedeemMe]

helpsurvive,

 

people break vows that they make in marriage, breaking promises is something which homosapiens should get used to. I really did think I could be there as a friend and be there for her. I did not see the manipulative and needy side, when I promised. Now I am beginning to think, everything we say are just words. Who can we trust in this world, except your mother!

[Robert013]

thank you robert and redheart.

As if the guilt is not enough, I have to deal with these unnecessary calls, emails. I am not the guy who will lash out on someone, but this is getting on my nerves. When I say not to contact me, I meant that. She calls about how she is having a fever and how her son Josh, fell off the skates and its all because of me!!! I want to slap her back to reality, but my other part says you loved this woman, she is good at heart but all this break up is getting to her. But its been months already, she should get a grip on it, instead of making me feel miserable.

 

 

Say nothing then you cannot possibly say anything wrong. She will get it soon enouph when she is ignored.

[Scorpion Fury]

It's your fault her son fell off the skates? Like you pushed him down or something. She sounds completely neurotic.

 

If you really don't want to talk to her anymore, it's really quite simple. Stop answering your phone and emails. Eventually, she will get tired of being ignored. If she doesn't, she's even more neurotic than I thought. At that point, change your number, email address, etc.

[RedeemMe]

Scorpion fury,

I have changed my phone number. But I do have my old cell with me, which I just ignore. I do see her emails, because I am afraid if something bad happens, then I will have to carry it on my shoulder forever. May be she thinks she will not find anyone after all her divorce and everything and she does not want to let go of me. But I told her that even if by some freak of nature I did marry her, I would not lasta day and then it could be even worse, not a break up, but a divorce a second time!

I do not know what else to do at this point and I have been ignoring her from the past 6 months with occasional emails from me, with pleads to be left alone. But it just doesnt get to her, so I am completely ignoring even my instincts to lash out on her for all the swearing at me in the emails. I am ignoring her.

[Scorpion Fury]

Keep ignoring her and live your life and be happy. Her unhappiness is not your responsibility.

[locolady]

hey i can give you my perspective from a girl who hassled an ex....i'm ashamed of my behaviour but sharing it with you might help you, i hope.

 

He broke up with me for someone else, out of the blue and refused to ever speak to me despite promising the day he dumped me that we could talk in a few days.

 

I felt betrayed and angry. I wanted him to know how much I was hurting and I was incredibly frustrated by his lack of communication. I was so gutted when i found out about the new girlfriend, i felt he'd lied and faked the whole relationship.

 

It sounds like you have not done any of these things - and i definitely wouldnt advise mentioning a fake girlfriend....i think that would simply make her wildly angry and she'll send more abuse.

 

His lack of response actually made me contact him more...i felt i deserved a chance to talk things through and got incredibly frustrated. If you have spoken things through with her, then you have done your bit...if you havent, i'd suggest trying to give her a chance to vent, to shout and cry at you..just once.

 

if you have done that, then its now ok to change your phone number, block her, whatever. She needs to work it out alone. You should show compassion to a tiny point, tell her youre sorry and that she was great but things cannot work out. Then block her.

 

My ex kind of became an abstract concept, just a black space i sent messages to because he never replied. I honestly think if he'd been kind and then assertive that the contact had to stop instead of just ignoring me from the outset i would have stopped sooner. all i wanted was to hear - i did love you once, i'm sorry. Just once!

[RedeemMe]

locolady,

thanks for sharing your perspective. we did go over how this relationship will not work. strangely she accepts it sometime and some toher time she just wants me to be there for her and run a parallel life. Although its the easiset way out, I felt it would just hurt her more to know I am with someone else now. I did not want to do that. I asked for a closure many many times before but it never came, so I took things in my own hands and closed it. Any response from me triggers a hundred response from her, so i thought ignoring is the only way to go as much as it hurts her. I wish her happiness, but I cannot give it to her. There is only so much any one can do. I am still single and will soon start looking, but all this has taken a toll on my idea of having a relationship in future with someone else. Is there no end to this contacts, when all I need at this point is NO CONTACT. As suggested I will continue ignoring her, but just wanted to know why the people who get broken up with don't understand that it takes two to be ina a relationship and you might have to let go when you have only one hand and you cannot clap.

[Mending 08]

Actually Redeem, she sounds very mean and somewhat unstable. If it's been six months since you told her it's over...her behavior is completely inapproriate and obsessive.You have done nothing wrong IMO. Thi is her issue to deal with and you really shouldn;t feel guilty for wanting to be left alone and move on with your life.

[RedeemMe]

Mending,

Thanks for the reassurance. I was beginning to feel as if I had murdered someone with all the nasty talk that she has been spewing at me. I usually don't hurt intentionally, but this is something I had to do. So kinda inexperienced in such areas on dealing stuff. Thanks for all the support.

[RedeemMe]

arggghhhh...just got a message from her. why can't she leave me alone. I want to be left alone and I want to lead my own life. Its irritating. Left a message saying 'I can run but I cannot hide'. I seriously don't know what she wants. She seems stable at times and irritating at other times. We can deal with predictible persons, but this is unpredictible lunacy. I was about to put a stop to this madness by calling her and to back off. But just venting out here instead, cause I know my actions would again trigger an avalnche of messages. Hold me down people

[saltandvinegar]

From what i know or have read about people like this- actually she is a stalker now, really... is that ANY contact you give her- even if you were to call her and scream down the phone- any contact you give her she views as encouragement to continue.

 

So you did the right thing in not responding.

 

Can you just get rid of that cell phone? Chuck it into the sea or something?

 

Does she know where you live?

[RedeemMe]

saltandvinegar...i know she is acting a little cranky but she is not loopy enuff to be a stalker i suppose. we have a lot of common friends..she knows where i work and all that stuff. basically its not hard to trace me. i am not afraid to face her or anything like that, but its just that there is nothing more to talk about and i m really tired of the drama and i wanna move on. I have cried my heart out in the bathroom early in the break up mess, and now i have pikked up my sanity. But these regular contacts from her is just stealing my peace of mind.

[RedeemMe]

I need some advise people. Should I confront her. Itrs become too much. She is calling me a lying scum bag and what not. She says she will make sure, my future girlfriend knows what an a..h...e i am.

How can I make her understand that it would NOT have worked out. What else could I have done? Stay friends, that even crueler. I had to fall out of love to have my sanity back and I put an effort in it. Why is she torturing me. How long will this last!! Will she ever understand.

[waveseer]

If you told her it was hindering your progress would she stop?

[RedeemMe]

ready2heal,

I am unsure about that. Cause I have told her, there is not much to talk, it will hurt me to stay as friends and I have to fall out of love and the only way is to go cold turkey. And after doing that, I saw alllllllllllllllll her colors. I never knew she could do all this, spewing love in one mail and hate in another email, accusing me of deceit, even email my mother. they say adversity brings character. thats so true. now i no longer have the same feelings for her. is there no end to this madness. i am so torn here if i should confront her or just ignore her. i dont even know if i should be sorry. i just sought happiness and peace of mind.

[waveseer]

Ignore her completely. There is no time limit when they can't let you be.

[RedeemMe]

thanks ready2heal. i was never in a relationship which was this long, and it was hard on me too. believe it or not i am 31!!!! All this drama and nonsense is just not letting me sleep although I have moved on. Its amazing what mud-slinging does to ur psyche'

[waveseer]

It only bothers you because you care. Now if we could all just turn that right off...

[locolady]

God its hard to read your perspective - i was NOT like your ex-girlfriend but i certainly was a hassle to my ex-boyfriend for a long time, although i'm pretty sure he didnt care at all to be honest and he left me for someone else so there was no grieving and no pain from the break-up for him. He erased me without a thought, without once conversation. Still, its weird to imagine him receiving endless texts from me. When youre caught up in your own pain, nothing else seems real.

 

I think you've done all you can. Everyone deserves a chance to talk, a chance to feel they once meant something to someone, and youve done that. Youve done all you can not to destroy her self-esteem, there is nothing more you can do.

 

Everyone has the right to make decisions and their own choices - we all do what we can to find happiness. hopefully not at the expense of someone elses happiness but sometimes that happens. You did all you could to be kind, stop feeling guilty and block her number, chuck your phone away.

[RedeemMe]

locolady,

thank you. I forced myself to sleep and its a new day altogether. I was beginning to think that she is mentally unstable or has that dreaded bipolar disorder, but now, I feel this is something which is expected from someone whose heart was broken.