Broke up but still have sex...

[oneboardus]

My b/f and I have been been broke up now for about 2 weeks. We are still friends but when we get together we have sex. I guess I am ok with this but is it normal? I broke up with him because he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was devestated but I still like the sex. I am sorta afraid of falling for him all over again. What should I do? He always says we shouldn't be doing this but never stops. Anyway, I just need some advice. Has this ever happened to anyone else and and if so how long does this kind of thing go on? I was just wondering becuase we have the best sex now that we are broken up...for some odd reason. Just need some advice.

thanks,

[deathbylove]

Guys all think they can have thier cake and eat it too. If you can bear not falling, use him for what hes worth. You are not worth being told that he doesn't love you anymore and then he expect to keep sleeping with you when he wants. Its not fair to you if you are going to be hurt in the long run.

[sisterlynch]

I am sure this happens all the time. How many divorced couples get back together after the rings come off? Relationships put you under a lot of pressure and he probably feels better now that you are not an official couple.

 

How long do you want it to last? Eventually you'll either be back together with him or you or he will find others to love. I think that open relationships can work if you stay in the right frame of mind. If you start to depend on him act needy or overly affectionate you'll lead him off again. That is just how men and boys are. They like the chase, but don't want the care and feeding...

[SwingFox]

Aaaaww... sisterlynch, I hope you were not referring to me when you said: "That's just how boys and men are". *grins* ... I'd like to believe that I am not... but that's just silly me!

 

Sisterlynch DOES have a good point, though. I am very worried what will happen to you, oneboardus, if he eventually finds someone else and... *shiver* ... actually start to make love to her, too. I am afraid that this might devastate you. That's where I would suggest to break away from him totally. I mean can you even imagine what it would be like?

 

I hope this helps you ... good luck!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[sisterlynch]

She is honest enough to admit that she knows it is wrong and wants to do it any way (with him) because it is better with no strings attached, I think her honesty and morality is intact. It is someone who she already has known physically, so it seems likely that they still have some level of chemistry available to use on each other.

 

It is obviously a period of transition between making their relationship stronger or weaker, but it is imposible to predict what the outcome will be. If we are valuing strong independent honest women, then we need to support this one if not necessarily compliment her on her jusdgement.

 

How many times have we known that something is wrong, but it feels good, so we do it anyway?

 

That is pretty common. We don't know what her boyfriend's intention is so she needs to protect herself if this is to continue. I see this as a short term transitional period, and not indicative of future behavior...

 

I hope they continue to see each other as equals.

[oneboardus]

I am really glad I asked for advice on this subject because I needed it. Last night he told me he hopes that I don't think he is coming over just for sex. He said he would like to just come over and hang out next week with no sex. We were friends before we got involved and he doesn't want to lose the friendship, but it bothers him if I bring up seeing other people. We are broke up, there will be other people. He tells me he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. I think I am confused because he still wants to hang out as friends and have sex...stop me if I'm wrong but isn't that a relationship??? I still can't block out the fact that he is no longer in love with me. I guess only time will tell. I do have to say that I am starting to take myself out of this situation emotionally and I think that alone is my healing process. I guess what we are doing is going to hurt him more then me because I already have in my mind that I am not the one for him. On the other hand he hasn't felt what it might be like when he is not the one for me. I have to say I have come a long way since he first told me he wasn't in love with me over 2 months ago. I guess I was in denial the first time he told me now that I have broke up with him because of it I figure I have to move on with my life. And to be honest I guess I kind of like the fact that he is coming after my attention instead of the other way around. But, I am strong, independent, and happy within myself and I couldn't say that 2 months ago. So, if we are having sex then so be it because I am enjoying myself and he seems to be enjoying hisself or he would drive 1 hour to see me I guess this is a little immature and childish but only time will tell what this all really means. I am tired of trying to analyze every little thing because it just isn't worth it. Thanks for all your imput it really made me think about my situation! I guess I just am not the type to sleep around but I do enjoy sex so since he is someone familiar and comfortable then why not for now....

[sisterlynch]

You are really open with your feelings and with his. You are developing yourself and the next boy that you are involved with will profit by what you are going through. I think you do have a wonderful time with him and that is to your credit and to his that you can keep your composure during this uncomfortable period with him. Things will improve...share with him that you are distancing yourself emotionally from him and see what he says. That will tell you what the state of his feelings are too, he may feel bad about hurting you and the fact that you can protect your heart by distancing it when everything is up in the air and still get enjoyment out of being with him...that makes you a very big person inside. You have a big enough heart that you can handle yourself in this type of situation, that is very mature, not immature!

[frackledJJ]

Hi oneboardus.

 

This sounds exactly like what I have been in 3 years ago. He said it was over, and the next day we were having sex again. That went on for about 8 months. We were not officially together, but we saw each other almost every day and still had sex. Than we got back together. The only problem was that he had had sex with two other girls, claiming (when I found out)that he hadn't been cheating on me because we hadn't officially been together back than. I forgave him and was once more his girlfriend. After another year of being together he started to get really jealus whenever he couldn't be with me, and I started to pay closer attention to my feelings while being or not being with him and found out I hadn't been able to trust him at all in our "second" relationship. I coulnd't bear to be the one who had to explain her actions all the time when he was the one who had chaeted on me and ended the relationship. It hurt a lot, but I didn't want him to have that much power and control over me when I couldn't trust him anymore.

So, don't let this guy treat you this way. Talk to him about how you feel and explain that you eitehr want a relationship or no relationship. If that means he can't come over and hang out because you might fall for him, than don't let him come over. It was his decision, he has to live with the consequences.

And sex can be even more exciting with a new guy.

[sisterlynch]

I still think that you are doing ok. Some guys are jerks and some are just insecure. You have to figure that out for yourself. Let us know how you're doing!

[oneboardus]

I talked to him on the phone last night for over 3 hours. I came to the conclusion that I like this better then what we had before. I don't really want a relationship. We talked about how he hasn't been single for nine years and I haven't been single for 11 years. I need some time for me! I do have a little anger still towards him but that's just my ego I think. It's hard to take it when someone you thought was in love with you suddenly decides it wasn't true anymore. I told him I thought he was afraid of commitment and he agreed. But, we laughed and joked on the phone and it was a nice time. I have told myself that the next man I have live with me and my son will be the man who asks my hand in marriage So I have no hope for a relationship with my ex b/f and if he finds someone he loves while we are messing around then all power to him. Everyone deserves to be happy! Happiness is all I have ever wanted for the both of us wether it be together or apart. You all have a great day, because lifes to short

[Cindy C]

Ok I have to cut in here you might not like what I have to say but my opinion is STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM. The reason I say that is because you shouldnt give me the right to have sex with you anymore yes life is short yes but comon find someone you love and loves you and wants to be with you. I have been in that situation before and I know that it doesnt bother you now but when he does meet someone it will bother you trust me. Hope you don't get mad at what i am saying but you wanted advice and the best advice I can give to you is to STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM.

[sisterlynch]

Keep happy. Between you and me, most people are not that happy in committed relationships. If you have happiness and enjoy talking to him let the rest of the world eat their hearts out. You know who you are and that you are happy and that is all that counts. You are an adult and should be able to choose your own destiny. If these lonely hearts are envious then let them be. They cannot make you happy the way a man can!

[oneboardus]

I like you Sisterlynch...your positive and uplifting Thanks for you feedback. I agree with you when you say most people aren't happy in committed relationships. I think they rush into them before they are ready..ya know. And to tell you the truth I am only 26 years old and instead of being strapped in a relationship I would like to have memories of when I was on my own having fun! I know this is only temporary and so does he, it's just fun for now It feels okay right now. I don't want to live in the future because you can't predict what's going to happen!

[sisterlynch]

No, you cannot predict the future, at all. But you should have a view of where you are going so that you know when you get there. My sense is that most women want to have a family and be responsible. Men want to have a relationship too, but don't want to give up a lot of their freedom.

 

Both people have to find out what the other would like in the relationship, and then try to reflect what the other would like.

 

That is why communication is so important. If you need something important and never find the voice to speak up and ask for it, then it is a one-sided relationship. That is a relationship that is only good for one of the partners. That is when people become unhappy and the relationship is over. If there is a lack of open give and take then the relationship doesn't exist. So you need to work on asking for what you would like, and knowing when you have found it.