What will make a guy seek relationship vs. FWB situation?

[doyathink]

I don't think your trash at all. I know many divorced women who resort to an FWB situation out of a need/fear dichotomy. I think that you deserve more, is all.

 

I think you understand. I'm not at the point where I want to get my heart involved yet, but I do care for the guy. I think more then anything...I'm saving him....from me.

 

It could very well turn into something later on. I'm not opposed to that. But atm, I just don't want to open my heart up to potential ruin.

[Batya33]

I am sure there are many women who separate sex from emotion and choose an arrangement involving the former only because it brings them pleasure and fun. I wouldn't want to presume that a woman's choice to have that arrangement means she has psychological issues, doesn't know her own mind, or is somehow "weak".

[Blue Spiral]

I'm trash? Well, I always did like Oscar the Grouch...

 

I think it's pretty passive-aggressive to say, "Oh, I'm not judging those people, just their actions."

[Batya33]

I'm trash? Well, I always did like Oscar the Grouch...

 

I think it's pretty passive-aggressive to say, "Oh, I'm not judging those people, just their actions."

 

But would you have an FWB with Oscar? Talk about risk of disease, lol.... Now, Snuffalofogous on the other hand..... ;-)

[Cardinal]

Say we start with the premise that a guy is in a situation where he is just as likely to want a FWB or a relationship. Both are on equal terms and there are advantages and disadvantages to each. In that case, here are a few things I would find that lead me more toward a relationship;

 

If I found:

 

1) A good romantic connection (i.e. the guy might be able to see himself easily falling in love with the girl down the road and can feel a pretty deep emotional bond with potential for more)

 

2) Matching long-term goals, good morals, respectful, honest etc. Basically, I'd look for negative assurance here and make sure that there wasn't anything obvious that would preclude a relationship from flourishing.

 

3) I could see getting along with her well enough to live under the same roof, and potentially marry her some day. Mainly a good personality match for a relationship.

 

4) Strong chemistry and great sex.

 

As opposed to what makes a FWB work really well:

 

1) Really strong potential for great lasting friendship.

 

2) Strong chemistry and great sex.

 

In my experience, your best friend is rarely if ever your best roommate in college. For me at least what makes for great friends necessarily seems to conflict with what makes for the best possible relationship. So in reality, a lot depends on what develops when I meet a girl. I definitely don't advocate pushing it in one direction or the other. And frankly, all too often the answer to the question about relationship or FWB is neither!

 

Great relationships and FWB are both tough to come by ime.

[yumicecream]

I think a friendship base is a wonderful way to begin a relationship...its true that your friends don't usually make good roomates but that is because you forgive your friends of a lot of things. However, there still needs to be a basic friendship type of foundation, I think, for a real romance to flourish. Most of the great relationships I know started out as friends first.

[Cardinal]

I think a friendship base is a wonderful way to begin a relationship...its true that your friends don't usually make good roomates but that is because you forgive your friends of a lot of things. However, there still needs to be a basic friendship type of foundation, I think, for a real romance to flourish. Most of the great relationships I know started out as friends first.

 

I think you hold a majority view here.

 

When I look back on the friendships I have, I'd say they all took a minimum of six months and sometimes years to form.

 

For better or worse, I always make my intentions clear from the beginning. If I am attracted to a girl and want a relationship with her, she will find out about that long before we have a chance to see if a great friendship will develop.

 

Cart before the horse.

[yumicecream]

I think you hold a majority view here.

 

When I look back on the friendships I have, I'd say they all took a minimum of six months and sometimes years to form.

 

For better or worse, I always make my intentions clear from the beginning. If I am attracted to a girl and want a relationship with her, she will find out about that long before we have a chance to see if a great friendship will develop.

 

Cart before the horse.

 

I'm conflicted about how I feel about this. I mean, I had a guy who became my friend when I viewed my friends first theory as the best thing. Thing is, he wanted to remain my friend and later escalated to wanting a FWB. THAT was not good. I'm kind of afraid of men now who don't make romantic intentions clear early on. I don't want another situation like the one I had...So, I can see where you are coming from, at the same time, I talk to most people like my parents who say that the friendship is what keeps the spark there when many many years have passed...b/c it can't stand on sex alone, you have to enjoy each other also.

[Cardinal]

Right. Your parents speak from great experience and with the wisdom that a successful marriage brings. Personally, I am also conflicted since I haven't experienced relationships longer than a few years even. At the very least, we know friendship can be a lifelong bond. For many couples, without the bond of friendship, the relationship has no firm ground to stand on. Love by itself isn't always enough to keep two people together.

 

My family experience seems to have been a bit different. My parents were married until my mother passed away. Close to 30 years. What kept their marriage together was the love they shared for each other combined with a very strong commitment to one another and a powerful emotional attachment (probably an actual dependency). Friendship may have been present, but it is not what kept the knot tied. Clearly there are many factors that can help a relationship succeed over time. But oddly, my parents never behaved like really good friends. They didn't act anything like best friends when they were together. It just wasn't how they functioned from one year to the next. Speaking for myself, I strongly feel friendship alone won't keep the spark in a relationship. It won't be the thing makes me chase a woman around the house when I am 70 like we were teenagers. It won't bring me the happiness I seek. For me, I know I will need a certain romantic connection that extends beyond my understanding of friendship.

 

I am also skeptical of the 'friends first' approach to dating for the same reason you are. Also, it feels too much like micromanaging a relationship. I don't think it is really feasible to say, "well, first I am going to make sure a good friendship develops, but we'll hold off on anything more. then once it is there, boom romance hits." I think for some people friendship may be vital for a relationship to last many years. And those people are probably better off watching to make sure that is a part of any relationship they are involved in. It may not have to be the first thing that develops, but it darn sure better be there for them eventually. For others, it is not a bad idea to find out what really drives the bond between you and another person. And when you feel what it is you seek, hang onto it and don't let go.

[Batya33]

For me what worked best was getting to know the person as a friend and romantically at the same time while dating. Alternatively, it was fine if we already knew each other as friends -- through school, through work, whatever and later he asked me out.

[yumicecream]

See, I don't see friendship as negating romance. In fact, friendship can spark romance more strongly if it is mutual. I never fell for a guy I just met. But, if he took the time to get to know me on a deeper level and listened to my hopes, thoughts, dreams, and offered opinions and overall was someone who was there, I tended to fall for him. In fact, the only men I ever had real feelings for were men who were my friends. I'm very much a romantic, under the moonlight, on rose petals, all of it...to me the friendship was the small flame and the romance was when it grew to a fire. Friendship has depth and romance has pathos. I think that friendship with a strong emotional attachment, teamwork dependency, commitment, love and romance all work to make a real marriage/relationship work. But then again, I also haven't ever had a serious relationship (in my mind) so I don't know much. I think the ability to play (the chasing as you had described) with your lover comes more from friendship sometimes...I played with the guy I fell for in the past.

 

Recently, I had a guy call me and I don't know what he wants...he offered to help me move, but he didn't ask me out...I don't know how to handle it.

[Batya33]

I think it's a mistake for a woman to hang out regularly with someone of the opposite sex who she just met and wants to date -- That gives the man the impression that the woman is available to hang out without him putting in the effort to ask her out on a date she plans in advance. If it's an existing friend who the woman develops feelings for, then a "talk" is in order at some point.

[yumicecream]

Well, this guy offered to help me move. I was thinking, he didn't ask me out. Now, at the same time I'm not regularly available, I was willing to work my schedule around his. when I called my mom about it (who wants me to get married this time two years ago) she said, "you have him help you move!!!! you stop this nonsense and have him help you move!" and hung up.

[Batya33]

Yes, that wasn't my point - of course you should accept his very generous offer, I was writing about regularly hanging out in that situation.

[yumicecream]

I told him I'd cook him something since he his helping me. But what if he never asks, what if he just always wants to hang out?

[Batya33]

Then you politely decline his offers to hang out last minute -- tell him that you make most of your plans in advance. if he still doesn't ask you out, but asks you to hang out or some other non-date activity, explain that although it is so much fun to hang out with him, you are busy and trying to spend your precious free time trying to meet someone who is looking for a serious relationship.

[yumicecream]

Good idea, I'll do that. I don't really have a lot of free time these days, its true.