Lisa_Lisa Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hey - thanks for this. I guess this forum is to get to feedback on certain situations. For others to give you their take on things. So I appreciate your response I dont actually know how I feel right now. I can understand what you say about holding back a little - but I dont really see the sense in that. I am the type of person who says what they feel. I can only be the person I am - no more no less. Things are ok I guess. For the most part we both know that the miles and time and distance take its toll on us. We know we need to see each other but at the same time we have to be practical too. Though when I do think about it - she has always been somewhat in control - if thats the right word. Its usually her who dictates when we talk and for how long - I have always been understanding of her situation. Her lifestyle and culture dont allow her much freedom. She runs two businesses which takes up a lot of time. Her culture means that she is not an out gay woman like myself. This sometimes means that she cant always say what she wants to say and how she wants to say it when we are on the phone. I have always been patient and understanding and would never make any kind of demands on her in that respect. She knows that she can call me any time day or night - but I cant do that. It sounds like I am complaining - I am not really well I guess I am - I am understanding for the most part but sometimes just sometimes I want to be spontaneuous and call her when I am thinking about her just to say I Love you - you know. Sometimes I do that and sometimes I feel like I am in the way. She says I am not and its difficult. I know that. I know it is. I guess bottom line is that we just want to be together and its proving to be more difficult than we thought. Sheesh.. I went on then didnt I? Thanks for listening. Link to comment
Davie Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I have no expectations anymore. Stay strong... you are an idle to people like me.. My Fiancee's grandma died on Christmas eve 07... I know how you feel... Helpless to help.. Bless you all Link to comment
Sad Panda Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. Just had that thought when you said she was glad you called back because it reminded me of something I had done myself. Hope you are feeling better! I know how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship, especially someone of a different culture. Hope you can be stronger than I was! Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 Sorry, didn't mean to ramble. Just had that thought when you said she was glad you called back because it reminded me of something I had done myself. Hope you are feeling better! I know how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship, especially someone of a different culture. Hope you can be stronger than I was! Oh no you didnt ramble - I appreciated your comments. Its actually good to get someone else's take on things. I dont have many people I can talk to about this - this is why I came here in the beginning. So thanks Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Today is a bad day. Why is something that seems so simple, so hard. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 I am asking myself today, is it worth the heartache. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Lisa, it seems that this relationship is bringing you more pain than pleasure. Maybe it's time to reconsider it. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Not the relationship - the circumstances. Long story. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 So.. I am now feeling like some freakin' stalker. I am trying to get her to talk to me, or at least listen to me. There has been a total breakdown of communication. I mentioned before, it's like she has always controlled when we talk and for how long - it's been this way because of her lifestyle. Well she is certainly in control of the fact that we are not talking at all now. I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer be in a relationship where there in little or no communication. I want to be able to talk to her just long enough to tell her its over. I shoud do that in person but I can not keep going on like this anymore. I am so much in love with her and this is hurting like hell. I dont know what else to do. I don't think I have a choice. Link to comment
tigger12 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Lisa, I wish I could help but I just wanted to say I sympathize. It is hard to read this thread because I can see how conflicted you are. I wish circumstances were different for you. Have you tried writing out the things you wish you could say to her? Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Lisa, I wish I could help but I just wanted to say I sympathize. It is hard to read this thread because I can see how conflicted you are. I wish circumstances were different for you. Have you tried writing out the things you wish you could say to her? Yes I have. I have written her lengthy emails explaining how this is making me feel. Sometimes it is easier for me to write it down, that way there are no interruptions and I can say what I need to say. She doesnt often reply to my emails - we will usually talk about it when we next speak. However, she just tells me that my concerns are dumfounded and that she loves me and she wants to be with me. I then generally take her at face value and think you know - maybe i making a big thing out of nothing. But you know, time and time again it hurts me and we come back around to the same thing. In a long distance relationship communication is key - its all you have and its the most importamt thing.. withiout it - you dont really have a relationship do you? My feelings for her will not change. I waited a long time in my life to feel love like this. However, I have to keep myself safe. This is hurting me so much and I only wish she could see that. I really have no other choice but to walk away. I cant think of any other way. I cant live my life hurting every day. Link to comment
tigger12 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 When she talks about the emails and your concerns, does she dismiss them entirely as though she thinks those issues don't exist or unimportant or just minimize them saying they are small things you can work through? If it is the first, she needs to understand somehow how important communication and your other concerns are and that are legitimate. I can see how this would be a big problem... to feel like there is a problem and only you recognize it (and thus are the only one working on it). If it is the second, at least she is recognizing the concerns and maybe you could together attempt different ways of handling them. Just some thoughts... I really wish the best for you. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 At first she dismisses my concerns entirely. I think she sometimes feels that me voicing my opinion is a criticism. I never criticise her. I only say how things make me feel. I never say - 'You do this' or 'You do that' I can only say how I feel about certain situations. We talked about this last night. I asked her to call me because I felt that we needed to talk. She eventually called me at 12:45 this morning. I think she assumes I will always be here because who would really call at that time, knowing that I have to be up at 6am? Anyhow - we talked about my concerns - firstly she dismisses them and then we actually talk about how things make us both feel. She feels that its something we have to deal with for now - and it wont always be this way. She said it bothers her too and I said that she needs to say this to me sometimes because otherwise I am left feeling that she doesnt really care either way. I also said that for this to work there needs to be some kind of compromise. It cant be just me who makes all the effort - I stay up all night for her. Just so we can talk. She wouldnt do that for me. Anyhow - I seem to have turned into a complainer suddenly. I dont want to be that person. I have never really talked about how I feel until I joined this forum. Bet you guys wished I never had I dont know if this will work out how we both intended it to. I just dont know. I am so tired. I havent been to work for three days because of the stress of it all. I dont really know what to do next. I did say to her last night that I didnt want to feel this way each day and that I am walking away from what we have because I am struggling with the stress of it all. She asked me to allow her some time to show me how much we mean to her. To allow her some time to prove to me just how much she loves me. If I had a quid for each time she has said that in the last 6 months - I could have flown over there and had the conversation in person. Thanks for listening. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 So we had a very long and frank discussion last night. We have made some decisions that will (hopefully) make things easier short term and we know what we need to do to make things better long term. Communication is key. I know what I need to do now. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Lisa, what really caused the breakup between my ex and me was the communication. I wanted her to contact me more, and she just didn't have the time for it or didn't feel like it. We started fighting a lot and we ended up breaking up. LDRs are really hard, but if you can communicate without arguing all the time, you might be able to make it. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Its not that we argue - we dont. When we do communicate its usually positive and we talk about all our concerns and fears etc etc .. maybe I expect too much. We are all different arent we? And I guess some people need a higher level of communication than others. I just know that in a long distance relationship - communication is paramount. In any relationship communication is important. We dont fight about this - we do discuss it. We are talking about it amongst other things. Long distance is just hard. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 I guess what makes this hard is when I send her a million messages that she just doesnt answer. We had this deal - so I dont stay up all night. I go to bed - and I have always had issues with sleep - and when I wake up a few hours later, I message her to let her know I am awake and we can then talk. However, this only works if she actually answers me! And this is the part that frustrates the hell out of me. It was her idea. I dont know. LDR's just stink sometimes. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Lisa I can feel your pain. LDR's are so difficult. My LDR ended, because we both handled the distance and communication differently: I wanted to talk to him daily, while he would have preferred to hear from me less often, because it hurt him so much to hear my voice and not be in the same room. It took me years to fully understand that sometimes love can be so painful due to the circumstances that it is just healthier to walk away (i am not suggesting that this might be the case for you). Now years and years later we have finally managed to heal from our wounds and move on with our lives, however we both care for each other a lot still and always will. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 I hear what you are saying.. I could just walk away. However, you know, when we are together and we dont have this (sometimes) BS way of communicating, we have no issues. When we are together, things are just so perfect. Things are just so right. I also know that (in my experience) when something is so right and so good and the good far outweighs the bad, then why would you walk away and give that up? I know only too well that it could all be gone tomorrow.. my partner died almost 5 years ago so I know now that you have to make every second count. Maybe because I feel that way, I just want to make every second count and when we cant do that for whatever reason, then it frustrates the hell out of me. Maybe I feel she could do more... I dont know. Link to comment
greywolf Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I guess what makes this hard is when I send her a million messages that she just doesnt answer. We had this deal - so I dont stay up all night. I go to bed - and I have always had issues with sleep - and when I wake up a few hours later, I message her to let her know I am awake and we can then talk. However, this only works if she actually answers me! And this is the part that frustrates the hell out of me. It was her idea. I dont know. LDR's just stink sometimes. I know what you mean. When my ex was really busy with school, I had the hardest time understanding why she couldn't send me a couple of texts throughout the day just to say hi. Part of the problem was that I nagged her so much about it that it became a chore to her that she didn't want to do. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 Yes I guess thats the danger also isnt - you dont want to come accross as a nag - life is too short to be like that. Luckily - we can discuss any issues that may arise. I think she is better at dealing with the distance than I am. Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 I guess when I say I think she could do more.. Am I being unreasonable? Tonight - because we didnt talk today - she asks me to wait for her as she will only be an hour. She was going to a function. Anyhow.. two hours later I was still waiting as she had asked me to. I then message her to say - I am going to go to bed now - baring in mind it was about 1.45 am. She messaged me back to say she is on her way and can I please wait.. I am still waiting. (Its almost 2.30) I am going to bed now.. I guess all I want is for her to show me the same consideration and understanding as I show her. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 is there nothing you can do to speed up your move to the US? Link to comment
Lisa_Lisa Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 is there nothing you can do to speed up your move to the US? I am doing all I can. It has become difficult with my company because of the current economical situation we all find ourselves in. However, we have made some enquiries about her coming here. We talked a long time (eventually) last night - we both do feel the same. Either one of us will move so we can be together. I know all this BS will go away once we are together. Time, distance, oceans, lack of communication - all those things, they take their toll on two people. I just want to say at this stage - thank you to all you guys who have listened to my ramblings and thank you for taking the time to respond. I have kind of used this forum as somewhere to put my thoughts down when there has been no one else to talk to. Link to comment
alex83168 Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 hey lisa, my story is almost the same, I am in US and shes on the other side of the planet, been 2 yrs since we met in person, and its very very painful. We talk over the phone everyday, chat, text, IM, webchat etc. But we finally decided to put an end to it by letting our parents know abt our situation and how deeply we are in love with e.o. they've been very very supportive and now a new family bond has been created, sort of.... This helped us, since now we are a little more confident over our future together and the chances of us getting together is a lot more. Until then, all we can do is miss e.o. see if my sharing helps u in any way... Link to comment
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