Confused and Heartbroken

[HeartBrokn]

Hello everyone,

 

This is my first post and hopefully you guys can give me some helpful advice. Here is a little bit of a background on my long relationship. I have been together with my wife for 10 years. It's been good but at the same time it's been a rollercoaster in our relationship. I would contribute most of our problems to outside issues like work, school etc. We have two kids. I also think that because I have been pushed and stretched to my limits at work it has made working on my relationship very difficult.

 

I am in the Air Force and currently deployed to Afghanistan. Prior to me leaving I thought I had an ok relationship with my wife. We did not have a fight before I left, we hugged and kissed each other and everything was normal. After coming here to Crapistan, we had a small argument about who should watch our kids in the morning prior to them going to school. She basically against my wishes put them back into the daycare, which the kids hated and I wanted them to be with our neighbors who are great people and who have kids the same age as ours. Long story short because of my disappointment with the fact that she did this without talking to me I said, I am going to go, on the phone, hung-up and didn’t call for about a week.

 

A week later I get an email from her saying: "I d like to move out, things with us have not been good for a long time, it is all me (her) and you sound like you are pretty much done with this relationship." So I called her back to discuss the email. She basically told me over a few days period that she has lost the connection to me, that she "loves me but, she is not in love with me" :sad: , she doesn't find me attractive, she also said after a few weeks of talking that she is 99% sure that she doesn't want to go back into the relationship. She says that she tries very hard to think of a reason to stay but her gut feeling tells her not to. (I somewhat think that her gut feeling is someone else) but anyways long story short ever since we had the fight and me coming over here, I have realized many things about my life and about my relationship.

 

It's weird that you most people act exactly like their parents, I am no different. My dad basically runs things in his relationship with my mom. I have sort of transitioned to that in my relationship, even though my wife is a very independent, self thinking person whom is very opinionated. She is an introvert who enjoys working and spending a lot of time by herself. I think that I have suppressed how she is as a person. Other things that I have screwed up in our time together, after we have been together for a few years (we were both in the military at the time) we moved to a different base closer to my parents. We moved in with my parents for a while because I got out and was not able to get a job due to a very poor economy after 9/11. She basically supported us and since I was in a slight depression, she would come home after a long day of work and have to take care of my kid and me. She built up a lot of resentment towards me and after I came back into the military and started to support my family again she just could not forgive the fact that I wasn't there for her while she was going through that struggle.

 

We pretty much did not seek any marriage counseling to help us transition from that into a normal healthy relationship, so we had a lot of fights where a lot of negative stuff was said, things like: I don't love you anymore, I wish you were like someone else, you are a bad mother, all damaging things that I sad not because I meant them but because I was hurt from the fact that she didn't care that I was sacrificing for my family and she did not appreciate it.

 

Last five years of our marriage, have been very difficult because I fly and my personality does not fit the job. I wanted to quit so many time throughout training and even now, but I always felt that if I did I would be letting my family down like I did before. Even though I am providing material support I am often not there when it comes to helping her with the kids. She feeds them, bathes them, reads to them, helps them due their homework, takes them to various after school events and I just work.

 

I want to emphasize that I don't feel like I am a bad guy I just think the events in our lives have made things very difficult on our relationship. I do everything for my family I just think I miss the little things. While I was in the routine of my life back home I did not realize that I wasn't there like my wife and my kids wanted me to be. I realize that now fortunately, but at the same time I am desperately hoping it's not too late with my wife.

 

To make things worse, since my wife has been sort of detached emotionally from me for a while now, as I left she started to have feelings for some guy at work who apparently has been taking walks with her around her work and the other day hugged her. She says nothing else happened and for the most part I believe her. She is a very honest person, sometimes to honest. I am so confused and feel hopeless. My wife did a 180 on me and I couldn't think of a worse time for her to do that as now while I am deployed. I know I am a changed person and I know that I can make a difference when I get back home, I just can’t do anything from here.

 

My worry is that I am going to lose her as she further detaches from me while I am here. She said she did not want to sleep in the same bed when I come home and when I asked her if she would go to marriage counseling, she basically said she did not know and did not want to make any promises. I am so sad and the advice I get from most people is that I should play it cool and not get too emotional cause that might drive her away more. The thing that makes playing cool hard for me is that I have two kids and I can't imagine my life without them. It's very difficult time for me, I really apologize for the long post I just thought it was important to know my background before I can get a advice on my issue. Again thank you, and sorry for the long post.

[Trooper5]

Hey. Ive been there done that. I went through the same thing between deployments. The most important thing is to keep your mental game up. Don't get yourself killed by being distracted. When you say you don't want to lose your kids, don't worry, you won't. You will always have your kids. The only way you will lose your kids is if you get your head screwed up while in country. The terrain is unforgiving. There is quite a bit we can share. Due to Opsec it probably isn't a good idea for us to go into details on a public forum. I'll get you my info so you can contact me.

 

What do you drive?

 

Click on USER CP in the upper left hand corned of your screen. Look in your reputation for my contact info.

[HeartBrokn]

Thanks for the reply, I emailed you.