AN EPIPHANY? Perhaps...

[ajaxajax]

Hi all

 

I have, for some reason, become better within my own life overall over the past week. I have started to become less scared of people and situations and become more willing to "fight" (not literally) for myself. It also made me articulate my feelings and frustrations better as written below - just to get some steam out.

 

If anyone gets offended by it, I would like to say in advance, "I'm very sorry". I hope everyone understands what I'm trying to express here...thanks!

 

How could I “grow up” properly in this world if NO ONE ELSE appears to “grow up”? Why is it OK for me to grow up and find even members of my own family to act like kids? I can’t believe people saying to me that “growing up” is the only way I will EVER have money, a job and a family when everyone else who is inferior in character appears to more easily get ahead in getting those three things! How could I “grow up” when I got into a panicky state because everyone appeared to want to miss a plane flight before I came back in only to be told, “Go outside!” like I’m a little kid. This was said by someone one year YOUNGER than I am. I yelled out a profanity in front of hundreds of people and gotten watched over by two men in disguise for reacting that way!

 

That someone whom I’m talking about farts every morning (not going to the toilet or anything), wears singlets a lot of the time, sometimes tries to say things to me like I’m a kid and hangs around with some of the biggest losers. And he gets respect just because he drove for 8,000 km through Europe without caring about getting us killed like I do! And my sister (who I thought I knew through my whole life) will MARRY him in more than a year! How could I possible act “grown up” to that event? How could I possibly act grown up when women, like my sister and a woman I deeply care out, appear to confuse moral stupidity with fun or being responsible like I am with being boring and dull or being a manipulative “bad boy” as being a real man. I tried to make myself a decent, responsible, strong, confident and likeable man but kept on missing out because of this confusion that appears to be widespread within that half of the human race (I WANT to be proven wrong – but I’m afraid that’s how I’m seeing it). So much for “growing up”? My brother now keeps on calling me “gay” just because he doesn’t like me farting in the toilet, not drinking beer that much like he does every Saturday night and not wearing singlets most of the time!

 

I’m also angry because my sister appears to hate Italians (especially Italian men)…all just because of her good for nothing Italian ex! In fact, I don’t want to call the ex Italian…I want to call him MAIALE (pig) just like his whole family. And what I want to do to them for making my sister react to my father’s country in that way…I won’t say it on ENA, but you all get the idea! This is also ignoring the fact that many other nationalities have men who behave worse and in bigger numbers!

 

This is not just about women…even though a lot appear to want to go to bed with someone like George Clooney or Brad Pitt while I get called pervert for shyly looking at some women. And I now get unusually tired and/or a bit sick from masturbating just because I don’t have even a platonic romantic companionship. So, this lack of intimacy I have is taking a big toll on me! So much for “growing up”?

 

I am also starting to find that even though I’m 27, maybe my time to get myself set up is nearly over…especially with the WORST economic recession in my entire life. I was upset by one when I was 11 but this…I think that if I don’t graduate and get a job by the end of next year, I’ll never make it at all! This was brought about, in a big part, because of doctors keeping me from entering medical school so that they can keep “ghetto trash” like me out and keep their “superior profession” intact! I tell you what, if they keep on acting like they are always in the right even after making fatal errors, their profession will lose all respect forever! And my father constantly made reasons why I did not get into medical school or pass physiotherapy placements…everything from me squinting my eyes to me eating with my mouth full (I only do them rarely and I NEVER did it in public!) And are those oppressors “grown up”? NO! I have had my family living in poverty for nearly 50 years and only had ourselves managing to do well only over the past 10 years. My uncle and aunt still live in poverty and still say that we are evil just because of us doing what we had to do to make sure we don’t starve every day, or keep boozing every day or end up having 5 children each we can never afford by age 21! Are THEY grown up? No! Are they “pure evil”? I BELIEVE SO…no, no…I KNOW SO!! And please…just because we started off as rednecks doesn’t mean I HAVE to remain a redneck!

 

I am also angry because this whole economic problem sweeping the world happened JUST because people are just dumb enough to use thousands or even millions of dollars in credit EACH and pretend it’s their free money - money, they think, they don’t have to work hard for and don’t EVER have to pay back! Are they “grown up”? NO! Do they want to beat me up for making that comment? Let them go ahead! They better not think of what I’d do to them if they try!

 

My point being: How in the world can people expect me to be told to “grow up” without getting any courtesy in return from them? All I ever want is for me to be happy, successful and loved in my own way without being told by people to “grow up” all the time when they never know what’s actually best for me! I want to let things just go…but I found out something not too long ago…letting go is just not in my blood! Unless things are properly dealt with! I simply want to have “ACCEPTABILITY!” If there are real human beings on this planet, after knowing me, that word would not be a hard concept to grasp - regarding myself! I know it depends on me working hard to get that respect, but - most of the time - I feel like I’m trapped inside a glass wall or taking to a brick wall.

 

If I can get simple, decent and genuine respect and acceptability (from people including potential bosses and potential wives…EVEN most of my own family), then I know all I’ve put into in my life would not be in vain and I would no longer be as angry as I am in this passage. I’m not saying I want everyone to give me everything…that’s not fair for people either.

[Xetra Dax]

You are immature because you whine and cry like a baby,this while you lack the discipline to get anything done in your life, you instead frustate with anger asif that's going to bring a solution, you are even more immature because you blame others, while you should have taken the destiny of your life into your own hands

 

You are immature because you depend on others , you still live at home leeching from your parents, and you unrealistically 'expect' the rest of the word to make and shape you into a 'real man'.

 

You are immature because you feel like you went thru a 'rough' life, while in reality your life is as soft as a boiled egg, and because of this protective environment you never 'flew out of the nest' , you don't live on your own and blame the economy for it, you don't fold your own clothes, you don't make up your own bed,

 

-It is well known that woman go for jerks rather then nice guys.

-It is well known that some traditions in certain countries give horrible family attitudes.

-It is well known that there are teachers that don't care, they just want money.

 

 

BUT, is that any exuse for your life? Hell your probably thinking 'rage' right now, then followed by 'not understanding' , but

 

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT!

 

BECOME independent, instead of relying on mommy or daddy or the rest of the world.

 

Understand that your house is a bad environment, yes its good protection but its a double edged sword, it makes you stay inside, and thus you don't have a gf to love, and thus you never go outside, and thus you don't understand that its wrong to be a hermit, and thus you don't understand that the only good thing about being introvert is learning that you need to be extravert. Introvertism = a pathway to lonelyness.

 

Start living in your own appartment, its much easier growing up for you, you won't have your parents whining, you'll have a life of your own, a place were a gf might want to stay, and a feeling of 'survival' ,in that you finally need to do real effort in order to stay alive.

[ajaxajax]

Xetra Dax...I thank you for your comment even if you did say that I'm immature and have a BIG "suck up" complex. I am actually never this immature by nature, but guess what...I only wanted to get this out of my head and chest, no matter how immature and dumb I would sound. Like I said, it's a letting out.

 

Some things I'd like to comment on:

A. I have done what you call "sucking up" because of me trying to stick to family tradition and togetherness. But, with the current things happening right now...I simply thought that now I do things in my life based on only TWO things: necessity and reality! Also, I am in an Italian family...and despite people saying that staying together until marriage is a bad idea, I thought that it'd be better than rebelling against your family and having a "defacto" relationship like a bogan! And I've put up with a LOT of bogans in my life! Now, however, I feel that moving out before marriage might be on the cards because of my family not being so "Italian". And btw, while you think I've been leeching off my parents, I study full time, work 2 part time jobs (one is helping my father with his business - FOR FREE) and I do a lot of the outside chores and some inside housework! And this morning, I made my own bed and cleaned my own room before even reading this!

 

B. Was my life as soft as a boiled egg? HELL, NO! When I was born, all my parents had was a caravan and a mattress. I was sent from school to school in my primary school years because of a language disorder and I copped a lot of harassment from school and from my father. I had to watch him drink up to 4 bottles of Johnny Walker Red every day when I was younger...and he didn't remember any of it because of the alcohol. I had to watch my family struggle financially as my father got leeched by one conman after another - and even went to jail for 18 months...and got me to think: should I keep studying or should I abandon my dreams to start full time work aged 15?

 

C. Right now, I am currently in my TENTH year of tertiary study, when I should have gotten a job after only 4 years. It is mainly because of people confusing me about what I have to do to get ahead...and not keep on being like a bogan!

 

D. I am not so sure that me not having a gf is because of me not having independence. This girl I have been loving for 3 years is aged 24 and still lives with her parents...she told me that she knew quite a few Italians who moved in together before marriage only to end up having their relationships on the rocks. However, I am sure that it is partly because of me not having a lot of "true" friends to go out with and help you hook up, me being edgy about my own future and me being put off by the presense of a large number of women I wouldn't even dare call "women". And this assertion about women always wanting jerks, if this is the case...why then? If you don't know, ask any female who does? This assertion makes any marriage sounding futile because it's assuming that any wife of mine will ALWAYS sleep around behind my back!

 

Yet, I will still take note of your advice...very carefully. I must admit your suggestions did appear insulting, but quite a few points are understandable. That's what my letting out is all about. It's a statement of my desire to live life as only I see fit...and if anyone has a problem with that, I'd say: "Get out of the way before you get shoved out!"

 

Again, thanks for your post.