Lost, Confused, Dazed, Need guidance, coaching

[Velkeria]

Hi.

I really need some assistance and if anyone could help I would whole heartedly appreciate it.

 

My girlfriend of 3 years has recently broken up with me in December 2003. Her reasons for doing this were that she was not sure that she loved me enough to go further. Also things came up about my children and if she was ready to accept that type of commitment, and so on...

 

I felt this was very strange behavior for her, and had an intuition that someone else had come into the picture. During this whole period she talked to me on the phone while i tried to convince her of how "right" we are together...

A little while later I confirmed that her married boss was in the picture........ She admitted it, and said that she thinks she went to that in order to get her mind off of breaking up with me. After I found out she says she has broken it off with her boss. I do believe that she has.

 

When all this happened, I think she changed her mind about some things, that night she came to my house, gave me a symbollic key to her heart but a note attached to it that said it was the key to her heart but she is not ready for me to use it yet. she also stayed abit that night and we ended up in bed.

 

After that she has called me at least once per day with small talk, I have called her but only a few times. Whenever I bring up "us" she says she needs to figure everything out and that I shouldn't pressure her.

 

we went out to dinner last friday night, went back to my house and again ended up in bed.

 

She is going through alot right now, in process of moving this weekend (which she asked me to help her move) she also asked me to keep her dog for a few months until her residency situation is stable. She also has problems with her teenage daughter, and her son just turned 18 this month.

 

She tells me that she does love me but only after I tell her, she wont offer it up so to speak. She is talking about us going on a cruise in March and that she thinks it would be good for us. but she still says that we are not "together". What is going on ? I am so lost without her !!! I truly do love her. She even admits to me that she won't find anyone that will even come close to the fun, compatibility, good times, etc that we had together. but she still insists she needs to figure things out.

I am lost confused and always wondering what is going on in her mind.

 

I did ask if she would ever be able to make a commitment to me and she replied "I haven't ruled out the possibility"...

 

Oh God I just want her back !!

What is going on with her ?

What do I do ?

Do i just let her make all the contact ? Or do I call her to tell her that I love her ? Do i watch the dog ? Do i help her move ? Do i hang around for god knows how long waiting for her to make up her mind ? I have no intention of seeing anyone else as I am too wrapped up in her, but I dont want to wait forever either.

 

This woman truly is the best relationship i have ever had, the fun, the compatibility, the love, it was just right.......

 

I need some guidance please !!

[tiger_lilies]

It seems that women are always the ones who need that little bit of extra time / support to make a decision that men usually already know. It's encouraging to know that she is still making future plans with you regarding her dog, moving and the cruise. After three years of being together, I'm sure she can't just wave you off like nothing.

 

She may be having problems with commitment. You mentioned that she has an 18 y/o son. Does she feel that marriage is no longer an option for her? Has she been burned one too many times?

 

Something is obviously holding her back, something is causing her to be unhappy. Are you able to find out what?

[Velkeria]

I ask what is wrong or confusing her.

I get the response of I dont know about love being forever, I dont know if I can commit, I dont know if I can handle more kids in my life, etcc..

it does sound like a real big commitment thing....

also, her marriage of 14 years ended with her husbands infidelity which destroyed her, but she was also not faithful during that marriage.

 

I dont know what to do anymore.

[amilasiu]

Set yourself a time limit during which you will hang around and be there for her. You deserve some certainty too. Let her know of your time limit. There is nothing wrong in telling her that you'd like this relationship to continue but she needs to make up her mind as well. Assure her that there is no pressure at all from your side. Let her live through her difficult period. Meet her for dinner or beer, take care of the dog, etc. From your post you both still seem to behave like a couple even if "officially" you have broken up. Maybe in the time of uncertainty she feels safer with calling it a casual friendship, but in fact names don't matter: if it walks and quacks like a duck it is a duck.

[neallo82288]

I am going to tell you to do the hardest thing in the world and that is leave her alone. One day my ex was making plans for xmas with me and the next we were broken up, so future plans really mean little. As for your present situation, don't contact her for no reason. I did not say tha you couldn't receive and answer her calls, but that is up to you. Most people do not realize what they have lost until they think that they have lost it. For the situation to change then she must feel as though she has lost you.

 

When she does call, then answer politely and do your best not to bring you and her up. Keep the conversations to a minimal, Under 8 minutes. This will allow you to see how things are going and also give her a slap in the face, because she will see that the situation is not bothering you and you are beginning to move on. She will sense that she is losing you and that will or will not make her realize that she is losing a good thing. You have tried, like everyone else in here, the crying, begging, and pleading thing, but as you have realized that hardly works and when it does it does not solve the problems that caused the original break up. Let her make all the moves right now and see if that doesn't seem to get the ball rolling.

 

Good Luck, Neallo

 

Keep us posted as to hows things are working out.

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