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[killer_bimbo]

I broke up with my ex girlfriend nearly 2 months ago, see post . After recently speaking to her, I'm a little clearer on the situation. Her reason for splitting up was because she didn't want to be committed to anyone, not in the sense that she wanted to go out and play the field, she's categorically said she's not interested in men in general, she just seems to need to be completely selfish in her life right now, to not have to consider anyone else, to be have the oppertunity to decide that if she wanted to do something completely spontaneous, she could, without having to explain or justify herself to anyone. She's not really going out clubbing much, which I thought it was all about, she's working quite late and making lots of new friends at work, and I'm not sure if this is what she wants with her freedom or if that's her way of taking her mind off me. It does feel like it's more the idea of her total freedom that she wants rather than something she wanted that she couldn't have in a relationship. That it's more the idea of being emotionally commited to someone, the idea that what she does affects me as well as just her, rather than the freedoms she actually gains by not being committed to me that she doesn't want

 

She's 19, and we'd been together for 3 years, so since she was 16, and as it was a long distance relationship, we only really saw each other weekends. I feel like this was a big factor in why she feels like she needs to be the way she is, we've always had our time together dictated by necessity, rather than choice, and although it meant we did have a lot of space for ourselves, the space we had was not always when we needed it, and conversely, we couldn't always be together when we needed to. Another factor could be that she never really seemed to live her life when I wasn't around, she was always moping around the house until the weekends, when I was there, which was always an unhealthy situation, and I always wanted that to change, but I never thought it would be an all or nothing situation.

 

Although I should probably be angry with her for being so selfish, it does seem like it is just a phase she's going through, especially due to the fact that it wasn't a slow withdrawl of affection, it was the best it's ever been one week, strange the next, then we split up, and the fact that she's always been incredibly selfless in the past when it came to our relationship. Although I'm at peace with her decision, and am not thinking that she might phone up in tears saying she's made a mistake anymore, I still dearly love her, and cannot imagine myself giving or recieving the amount and kind of affection we had with anyone else, and I would still like to maybe start anew, if this is just a phase, when she has grown out of it. I know she truly loved me when we were together, and there were no real problems in the relationship, apart from the distance thing, which I am in more of a position to change now, and we were so utterly compatible in every way and worked so well as a couple. She says she's not sure if she loves me in the way she used to now, after 2 months of being split up and making efforts to get over me, but she does think about me and does miss me, although it's not lying in bed crying type missing me. She's taken down photos of me, but other than that, not really removed evidence of me from her room, still wears the jewelry I bought her, still got lots of words of love written on her wall that she hasn't painted over, things like that.

 

She knows that she doesn't want me out of her life completely, and has said that we'd meet up sometime and just see what happens, and when I asked her if she thought we'd be back together someday, she said she doesn't know, the way she's feeling now she doesn't want me, but she just said she'll take things as they come. We didn't really talk about when we'd contact each other again, I just said I'd send a card for her birthday in July, and prolly phone her, but other than that, I won't try to speak to her.We both knew it'd be the last time we'd talk for months, and we were both kind of half in tears when we were saying all our goodbyes.

 

The way I'm feeling right now, I do want her back, I think we both need to get our own lives back, we were all each other's lives for 3 years, but I feel like there was nothing else that was really wrong with us as a couple, and that once we've got our own independance back, I would like to share it with her again. I will keep my word of not phoning her until her birthday, maybe text her at easter, just to say happy easter, hello, hope your fine, etc, but will try to get my life back at the same time. I'm not interested in playing the field, I never was, and not interested in a relationship with any other person. I'm not going to wait around on phone calls or wait around for her to change her mind, but I love her, and she will always be a big part of my heart, I just want to be able to express that feeling to her in a way that isn't going to suffocate her, and we can see where we both are in our lives in 5 months time, and find out what relationship we can have in the future, be it close friends, falling in love again, or worst case, having each other as just memories forever.

 

Long post, and not really any questions, but I would just like some opinions on the reasons she broke up, if it seems like what she wants could be a long term thing or just a phase, and the way I'm dealing with it, and the steps I'm taking to try to build something new with her in time.

[ms anthrope]

i have a few questions for you before i say anything. is she close to anyone...including family? does she suffer from depression, manic depression or bi-polar depression? has she ever loved anyone else? does she see her family often?

 

thanks...ms

[killer_bimbo]

I know she has a lot of trouble opening up her feelings to people, I think she only has one friend, apart from me, who she can open up to, and that is often only in the worst crises. She still lives with her parents, so yes, she sees them all the time, but doesn't talk to them on an emotional level really, she hasn't really spoken to them much about breaking up. I know she's never loved anybody else. As for depression, I know before she met me, she had gone through a fair amount of councilling at school, and I think I remember her mentioning once that she did try to take her life some time in her early teens, and has, at one point, self harmed. I don't think she's ever been on any medication and I don't know if she's ever been diagnosed as having any kind of permenant mental illness. She's never talked to me about that much, just mentioned things in passing. It did seem she left all that behind her just before I met her anyway, she's never shown any of those kinds of signs of severe depression since we've been together. I do know that she does have problems with self esteem, she always felt as if she was fat and unnatractive, and as much as I did to try to show her that she was the most beautiful person, physically and personally, that I could ever hope to meet, I don't know if it ever sunk in. There was a few times she said that she wasn't good enough for me, and that I was only with her because I didn't have a girlfriend closer to home, and the last weekend we saw each other as a couple, she hid her body away from me, and wore a T-shirt to bed, when she normally sleeps naked, and she's since told me that was because she felt bad about herself, and didn't want me to see her body. I don't know if that was just a temporary thing, though, because although I know she's never been 100% comfortable with her physical appearance, she's always known that I find her incredibly attractive and sexy and beautiful, I've always shown her that I do, though in the past she's said that she doesn't know why I fancy her.

 

She doesn't seem to have any problem in making friends, though, and since the break up, gone out to meet lots of new friends through work (she's a hairdresser, so she's social with a lot of people), but again, there is only one friend she can really talk to in depth, even her friends she's known for 6 years she doesn't really talk to about emotional issues much. Her friends do all seem to be female, which I always found a bit odd, the only men she knows are the boyfriends/husbands of her female friends.

[ms anthrope]

well you answered my questions pretty much exactly like how i thought you would. first let me tell you im going through pretty much the exact same thing. it's hard...it's painful....overwhelming. ive had to see a therapist to get through this. it's still not easy but it might help you to understand why she is doing this. i'll explain to you best i can what my therapist said. i believe a lot applies to you also.

 

the keywords you mentioned to me were, low self-esteem, that she had tried to take her life before, not close emotionally to anyone. my guy has those same problems. he "loves" his family but he doesnt ever have to see them...even ever again. much less hear from them. his self-esteem is extremely low despite how anyone sees him or thinks of him. and he's tried to commit suicide once before and almost did 2/3 other times before that. whether you realize it or not...your gf needs counseling. im not too sure what her problem is but i suspect manic depression or bi-polar depression. thing is...you know all this about her and still love her. much like myself. i know my guy has problems...and i see him for what he is...and i still love him more than anything in the world. but when you tell someone like that how much they mean to you...and do a lot of nice things...it backfires. they feel undeserving of gifts and love and sweet gestures. it's almost like the nicer you are...the more it backfires against you. frustrating to say the least.

 

what she is going through right now is that she doesnt know how to love you. if she cant love herself ...she cant love anyone else. she doesnt know how to handle these feelings so instead of handling them...it's easier to go away sometimes. trust me though...either way is torture for them. she needs to resolve these issues with a therapist. if she is able to...she will be able to be loved by you. she is probably missing you immensely right now. give her time though to sort her shit out. if it was meant to be...she'll come back. but you can tell her how much she means and how much she loves you....and it wont make a difference since she has to in her own timeframe...it cant be forced. another thing....since i strongly believe she has issues...she maybe able to learn to deal with them...but if you plan to love her for the long haul....you have to realize that you will be dealing with these problems for the rest of her life. this MMMAAAY not just be a phase with her...it may be a cycle that will come back. so you have to decide if you can withstand these blows over and over. also, being that she is also young...she might be going through the phase that she wonders what else is out there. that might add on to your waiting. the best thing you can do is get on with your life. try not to dwell on the past. if she comes back...dont expect things to be the same like how they were. it will be different but it could be better. try not to be judgemental to her. she will leventually ove you immmensely if you can not judge her and love her unconditionally.

 

i hope the best for you. believe me...im going through the exact same hell...and i know it hurts all the time. everyday. and i know you'd do ANYTHING to help her. but you have to realize that she has to save herself. until then...work on you.

 

my guy emailed me yesterday just to let me know he cares about me and worries about me and misses me. but he also asked me to not email him. we havent been talking or emailing each other so for me to get a letter out of the blue felt wonderful. he is inching his way back. and i know it will be slow....but damn i will be here still. i know it...i just love him so much. he has to. it's this belief that i have that keeps me going from one day to the next. hope springs eternal.

 

ms