Difficult weekend ahead...

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone --

 

I think this is more of a vent than anything, but I have to get it out somewhere.

 

I've spent most of today either crying or trying not to cry. One year ago tomorrow, I made reservations for my now ex and I -- at his initiation and insistence -- for a romantic weekend away in a beautiful little town that we had both agreed was the place we wanted to go together. I was thrilled; it seemed that, after months of going back and forth with himself, he was finally ready to make a leap and see where things could go with us (we were not officially *together* at that time, but it seemed that we were headed back in that direction.) Not even 48 hours after I made the reservations, the ex called to tell me he wasn't sure if he should go -- that he didn't think he could trust his ex wife with his kids while he was out of town. It seemed like a semi-plausible explanation, as one of his kids had been getting into some trouble, and my ex was worried about it. Still, I made the reservations more than a month in advance, and I thought it was a bit fishy that he knew that far in advance that he couldn't go. So, I confronted him - gently -- and asked him to please tell me the truth. He admitted that the excuse about his kids was just an excuse, that he didn't think we should go away together because he knew that I wanted something he couldn't give at that point -- a relationship (he was still hung up on his previous ex -- more on that in a bit). So, reluctantly, and with an extremely heavy heart, I cancelled the reservations, less than 48 hours after making them. The kicker was that my birthday had been the day before I'd made the reservations, and in a "Happy Birthday" phone call he had asked if I'd yet made the reservations and urged me to do it soon before everything was taken for the weekend we were planning to go. :sad: After he cancelled on me, I lost all faith in him. It was like something snapped in my brain. He still tried to keep me hanging on for awhile, but by that time, I was just tired of the rollercoaster, and things stalled there. Two months later, he reconciled with his previous ex, who he has been off and on with for many years.

 

So, fast forward to this weekend, a year later. One year ago tomorrow, I made the reservations. Sunday is my 38th birthday, and the one-year anniversary of him telling me he thought I should cancel the reservations. This weekend marks the anniversary of one of the most awful times of my life so far, and I am a wreck. In this past year, my ex has reconciled with his previous ex (the one he was so hung up on that he couldn't be open to being with me) and is now possibly married to her (I say *possibly* because, while he will say they *exchanged rings* over the summer, he will not say that they are actually married). They are having problems already (he has tried to talk to me TWICE in the last week about what's happening with them, and I have listened briefly but provided little response -- what the hell????) but I know that he will most likely stay in the relationship, no matter how miserable he might be.

 

Anyway...back to me. God, I feel awful. Last year, when my birthday was so crappy, I promised myself that this year, I would either a) completely ignore my birthday; or b) that I would do my best not to let it all get me down and just try to celebrate, but it's so hard. I've been doing all the "right" things over the past several months, trying to get past my ex and move forward in my life -- exercising a ton, eating right, writing poetry, reading books (including self-help), spending time with friends, engaging in hobbies, trying to be really social, working hard, going to therapy, doing nice things for other people, etc. Still, a year later, I feel so alone. I have dated NO ONE this past year, and I just don't see it happening for me. I just don't know where to meet anyone, and I don't think I'm cut out for online dating. I just don't have the stomach for it, I think (I haven't ruled it out, but...I'm not feeling it right now.) A friend recently met what she thought was a really great guy that she wanted me to meet, and he said he was interested in meeting me, and told my friend he'd contact me to arrange a coffee meeting, but...he never did. I know it's no big deal, and I can't take it personally, but...I was disappointed, for sure. I thought that at least having a coffee date might help me to have a more positive outlook -- to at least realize that there ARE single guys in my age range still out there, and that I might get some confidence from having even a first date, but...it didn't pan out. Disappointing, to say the least. I know I can't take it too seriously, but in my current state, it stings a bit.

 

So...the rest of this weekend is going to be extremely hard. I have tried to think of it in a more positive way, but I just keep coming back to what happened last year, and all that has happened since then. Add to that the fact that my ex is having problems in his *new* (actually, OLD) relationship, problems that are causing him to go back to some pretty bad former habits of his (that I won't get into here), but I know he will stay with her, even if he is totally unhappy -- from what I know of it, it's a pretty dysfunctional, co-dependant thing. I am trying SO hard to keep a stiff upper lip and all that, but trying so hard to not fall into the abyss exhausts me. I have given up on ever being with him, so I am not looking to get him back; getting over him has been tremendously hard -- much harder than I thought possible.

 

I am so NOT looking forward to my birthday on Sunday. A friend is taking me to dinner, which is nice, but I feel like I'm still stuck in 2007 -- honestly, I've worked SO hard to make progress, and today I feel like I'm in the same place I was last year on this day -- that I haven't moved forward AT ALL. Is this just a temporary setback or relapse? I hope so! Maybe it's just the significance of this particular weekend that is getting me down -- I don't know.

 

Anyway, any wise words you have would be helpful. Please be kind. I am feeling pretty fragile tonight. :sad:

[RougeKali823]

Sorry for what you're going through. I recently found out my bf of 2 years is married and I broke it off. If he has married someone in the time he's known you and not before he met you what does that say about how he feels about you. You have made yourself too available to him and now he is trapped in an unhappy marriage-of his choice-and tugging on your reliable heart strings. You understand?

[RougeKali823]

I think you are a nice person and it sounds like he knows that he can count on your understanding spirit and unfortunately he is exploiting it and you deserve better. So, politely ask him to refrain from calling you so you can move forward.

[lady00]

Happy Birthday, Browneyedgirl. I know you don't feel happy right now and I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Your ex has some nerve talking to you about his relationship problems. If he brings it up again, maybe you should just cut him off and tell him that you don't think you can be of much help to him. You guys work together right? Maybe just tell him that you would rather not talk about things that don't have to do with work.

 

I went through something similar but it wasn't around my birthday, it was another day which, a year on from the breakup was very painful, especially as I was surrounded by people who seemed so carefree and happy (I later realized that the reason everyone else seemed this way was due to my perspective being one of sadness, rather than that being a reflection of reality--everyone has problems, moments of sadness--I think maybe remembering that you're totally normal and that everyone is not out there having the time of their lives all the time...that helps a bit because it puts things in perspective.

 

Have you been dating? That might help too. Dating made me feel worse but then eventually better (things had to get worse before getting better for some reason because I had to go through the process of re-realizing that dating wasn't going to make me happy, only I could do that...and then after that dating felt way better and helped me move on).

 

 

Enjoy your dinner. Try to keep your mind off of everything else for those couple of hours. One way to do this may be to focus the discussion on your friend and what is going on in his or her life.

[annie24]

(((HUGSS))) well, i don't have a magic ball, i don't know if you will meet your special guy or not. chances are though, that you will, most people do, it seems. in the meantime, it sounds like this has been an incredibly productive time for you, so don't think it's not a big deal - the therapy, exercising, hobbies..... all getting back in touch with yourself, improving yourself, etc.... it's like remodeling a house - you may not see instant results, but you will, you're setting up a good environment for a new man and a healthy relationship in your future.

 

keep avoiding your sleazebag ex!

 

hugs

[Sweet Venus]

Browneyedgirl, healing is not a linear process. It makes sense that this significant date

has set you back. Just like hearing a favorite song that reminds you of them.

 

I think it's totally tactless for your ex to be telling you he and his "wife' are having problems, especially if he knew how much you cared about him. Do you think he may in some way be trying to keep you in the wings "just in case" things don't work out?

It just strikes me odd that he would do that.

 

I had a horrible year a few years ago. I was so down in the dumps, I didn't even want to

celebrate the holidays. So that year I decided to volunteer at a soup kitchen.And I did.

It made me feel SO good to help other people, rather than sit home feeling sorry for myself..which is what I WANTED to do. But being of serive to others is actaully what got me out of my own head.

 

Anyway, this is just an example. You need to do what works for YOU. If you want to grieve this episode of your life, then that might be what you need to do.

 

And I wish you a very happy birthday!!!

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you are a nice person and it sounds like he knows that he can count on your understanding spirit and unfortunately he is exploiting it and you deserve better. So, politely ask him to refrain from calling you so you can move forward.

 

Thanks so much for your responses. Yes, he knows how much I care, and he is exploiting my caring nature. He actually didn't call me -- we work together, and he told me this stuff at work. I may at some point have to ask him to refrain from discussing this stuff with me, though. He just started doing it very recently -- before, we discussed work-related stuff only, pretty much. Just recently, he started looking really defeated and acting weird, and that's when the *disclosures* started. But, yes, he needs to stop. If it continues, I will have to tell him that I can't talk about it. I don't want him to hold up my healing process anymore than he already has.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response! You're right, I may have to tell him to stop talking to me about this stuff. He's done it three times so far, and I haven't responded too much (and even steered the subject to something else a few times), but I may just need to say "Look, I can't help you with this." It's really tempting to say "Look, dummy, you CHOSE this. This is the woman you wanted SO badly to have back in your life, and now she's back, so what's the problem????" I won't say that, though, even if I feel like it.

 

I haven't tried dating, mainly because I have no idea where to find people to date. I had a "near meet" with someone recently, but it didn't pan out, and I was disappointed. I'm open to it, but I'm thinking online dating is not for me. I just don't think I have the stomach for it at this point. I'd rather meet people in more casual situations -- parties, through friends, etc. I've been to some parties and activities, but haven't met anyone yet, and at my age (38 on Sunday) it just seems really hard.

 

I will definitely enjoy my dinner. We'll probably be getting some giant slabs of cake for dessert, which will be nice. I am going to do my best to focus on other stuff, for sure.

 

Thanks again for your response. It just helps that people know how I feel.

[browneyedgirl36]

(((HUGSS))) well, i don't have a magic ball, i don't know if you will meet your special guy or not. chances are though, that you will, most people do, it seems. in the meantime, it sounds like this has been an incredibly productive time for you, so don't think it's not a big deal - the therapy, exercising, hobbies..... all getting back in touch with yourself, improving yourself, etc.... it's like remodeling a house - you may not see instant results, but you will, you're setting up a good environment for a new man and a healthy relationship in your future.

 

keep avoiding your sleazebag ex!

 

hugs

 

Thanks, Annie! It HAS been a productive time for me -- at least the last 3 or 4 months have been -- I've lost 7 more pounds, getting a poem published shortly, gotten back to a lot of my old hobbies, spent a ton of time with friends, gone to therapy -- the therapist even says what a together, proactive person I am -- that she is impressed with how much I'm trying to help myself.

 

I like the "remodeling a house" metaphor. That's how I feel. I've been thinking that the last year has been a test of sorts -- to see how I handle things -- of how much I care about myself and love myself. I can either wallow or do make changes, and I'd rather make changes, do some "remodeling."

 

I am hoping to find that special someone. It is something I have hoped for for all of my adult life, and it hasn't happened yet. I admit, it really gets me down, and sometimes I feel it's hopeless. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, though, and I hope someday to be posting here that I've met someone really great.

 

Thanks for your response.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response and the birthday wishes!

 

You're right, it's inappropriate of my ex to tell me this stuff. I haven't even posted what he told me, but if I did, you'd be shaking your head, for sure!

He has also flirted with me a bit, too, to which I provided no response. I can see him possibly keeping me "waiting in the wings" -- he has never had any reason to think I wouldn't be there -- I've never NOT been there, but I have distanced myself tremendously over the past few months. I can guarantee his "wife" (or girlfriend, or significant other, or whoever she is) doesn't know about me -- probably doesn't know he ever dated me, let alone that he is still talking to me and telling me this stuff. He also has significant boundary issues -- he has problems with boundaries and crossing them; he doesn't seem to understand that sharing this stuff with me is inappropriate, let alone that it might really hurt me. Maybe he thinks I've totally moved on, as I showed no emotion when I asked him about the ring on his finger a few monts back, and I calmly congratulated him -- but still, it's not appropriate of him to tell me this stuff.

 

I like what you did with serving at a soup kitchen. I have thought of volunteering somewhere -- either with kids, or with poor people, or animals at our local no-kill shelter -- something that will make a difference. Actually, my friend runs a non-profit organization in another city, and I have thought of volunteering with her organization. Something to definitely consider! As you said, it may help to get me "out of my own head." I've been WAY too much in my own head lately!

 

Thanks again for your thoughtful response!

[Lexy50]

You're amazing actually - a poem about to be published? I'd be very proud. Even better that you care enough about yourself that you're not falling for the 'hanging on a string' BS. You could easily start an 'affair' with him, but you know you deserve better. And where would that lead you?

 

In the midst of my turmoil with my STBX, I interviewed for another job, as I plan to move away, and it looks like I may get it. My current boss has given me a bonus since I did so well on an audit - so YAY for you and me. We are not only surviving, we are doing well!

[rapunzel]

hi browneyedgirl -

 

Sorry to hear you are feeling down, I know the feeling! I also think back to year landmarks - what happened a year ago today. I remember last year I went to a festival in my city and saw my ex there - alone - and had to try to avoid him. That was not fun. I spent the last two summers with my ex, only to be rejected at the end of the summer both times. This time around I had the upper hand at times and I could have easily been the one to leave first...I had the perfect opportunities....yet I stayed....thinking things would get better and he would come around. But he did not and he ended up breaking it off with me, 5 weeks ago.

 

As you are well aware, and I do the same thing, we are living in the past when we do this. It's so hard not to do but we're just rehashing old stuff and picking at our wounds rather than living in the present. It's very, very hard to not do it...and I think most people who have suffered a break up do it.

 

Birthdays are very tough when you are single. It's great you have a dinner planned with a friend...try to enjoy it and try to "be there" and not let your mind and memories take over.

 

You feel awful now, and believe me, so do I....but we will feel better in the future. We have to have faith that things will work out for the best. I have been rather despondent in the last few days over some other things in my life, mainly grappling with getting older, changes in my body and skin and all. I'm 47 and if you think dating is tough at your age, try it at my age!

 

I have talked/emailed with a few guys from online dating and it's not at all my preferred method but it's how I met my ex-ex and I suppose it is worth a shot, with no expectations of course. Speaking of my ex-ex I've been fantasizing about getting back with him....but he is in a new relationship. I hear it is rocky so I long for the comfort and security of being in that relationship...yet I have to remind myself again of the reasons I left.

 

Regarding the guy who said he was interested in a coffee date...would you be willing to contact him or to say to your friend "hey, please tell your friend I'm still interested in meeting for coffee!" Sometimes people just get busy and put things aside....I would put the bug in her ear again and maybe you can make this date happen. But of course, go with no expectations...on any blind date or any date for that matter.

 

Your ex should not be telling you about his problems with his current wife/girlfriend or whoever she is. Ack. He is taking advantage of your kind, giving nature. My ex did the same thing. I guess you will handle that as you see fit. I spent 3 months with my ex while he was mourning the end of his last relationship...and what a huge mistake that was. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for this...he was honest and upfront with me about it. He kept saying he was afraid he was being 'selfish' by spending time with me/being intimate and I just pooh-poohed it, thinking he was just scared and that's so typical of a guy. And if I just played it cool, acted like I was having fun, supported him when he needed to talk (even about her), made him pursue me....that it would all work out this time. Well, I know better now...in reality, I am the one who pursued him. I am the one who made the first move back in May...the first physical move anyway....after 9 months of his carrot dangling, and after his big mea culpa in April. I took it all as signs that he wanted to try again...but he NEVER used those words. I was stupid but only human. I'm sorry to go on about myself in your thread....

 

Keeping busy, doing positive things for yourself, practicing gratitude (counting your blessings) and trying to help others which you are thinking of doing are the best ways to cope. I'm saying this for myself as well. I hope you have a great birthday and I do think that in 6 months to a year you will look back at all of this as a memory, a lesson learned, something that made you a stronger person.

 

Hang in there and Happy Birthday browneyedgirl!

[browneyedgirl36]

You're amazing actually - a poem about to be published? I'd be very proud. Even better that you care enough about yourself that you're not falling for the 'hanging on a string' BS. You could easily start an 'affair' with him, but you know you deserve better. And where would that lead you?

 

In the midst of my turmoil with my STBX, I interviewed for another job, as I plan to move away, and it looks like I may get it. My current boss has given me a bonus since I did so well on an audit - so YAY for you and me. We are not only surviving, we are doing well!

 

Awwww...Lexy...thanks so much! Your words really made me smile.

 

Yep, a poem of mine is being published shortly in a local publication that has a pretty high circulation (I live in a fairly large city). I've already had one poem published, last year, in the same publication, and I've decided that I'm going to continue to send things out and see what happens.

 

You're right, too, that I DO care about myself; I have SO realized that this year. If you had seen me last year, you would've seen a totally different me -- hanging on his every contact, waiting for him to call/give me attention, totally compromising myself for whatever little scraps he threw my way. UGH. It makes me nauseous just thinking of it! This year, it's a totally different story. Yes, I still care, and at times I wish he were still in my life, but I KNOW I deserve more, and that I'm better of without someone who messes with my head and doesn't value me.

 

Congratulations on your new job! That is wonderful! Professional successes are great morale-boosters, and I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well!

 

Thanks again for your thoughtful and kind response.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much for your response, Rapunzel. I know what you mean about knowing that you had opportunities to leave before he made the decision for you. SO many times last summer and fall (07) I told myself, "I can't keep going like this. I have to walk away from it," and I didn't, and the decision was pretty much made for me -- he went back to his ex. Granted, I had cooled things off between us prior to that, but there were definitely still feelings there on both sides -- definitely on mine.

 

And, I know what you mean about living in the past. One of my big goals over the past 6 months has been to get away from my tendency to live in the past -- I read somewhere that living in the past causes depression, and living in the future causes anxiety, and that's why it's important to live NOW, rather than dwelling on what *was* and can never be again or worrying profusely about what *might* happen in the future. So, as you and others have suggested, when my birthday comes tomorrow, I am going to live in the "now" -- I am going to go out with my friend, have a great dinner, savor every bite of my meal (and of course, of whatever obscenly caloric dessert I end up getting!) and just enjoy being there with her and talking about stuff OTHER than my ex, getting older, feeling lonely, etc.

 

I am definitely working on practicing gratitude -- you're right, it's something we all need to do. In fact, I'll start right now: I am grateful for my family, my friends, a job that I enjoy, a nice place to live, my continued health and the health of my family and friends, the fact that my cat has long outlived the prognosis for her cancer and continues to stick with me, my gifts and talents, my education, whatever little bit of money I have in my bank account, the beautiful fall weather we're having here, the fact that I am a sane, balanced, emotionally healthy person, the fact that I have resources available to me (friends, family, medical insurance, etc.) in times of need, the fact that I am never really alone, even at times when I've convinced myself that I am. This is only a partial list, of course. I could probably think of a gazillion more!

 

I am confident that, six months from now, things will be vastly different for me, in a good way. They're already vastly different (for the better) than they were six months ago. All good change happens over time -- sometimes it's almost imperceptible, it happens so slowly. And then, one day, you realize just how much change has occurred, how much growth, and you smile and feel grateful that it all unfolded the way that it did.

 

I know that you and I and everyone else here who is experiencing heartbreak will be OK, as long as we love ourselves and care for ourselves and do not get bogged down with thoughts of what *should* be and what *might have been.*

 

Thank you, as always, for responding.

[Clabs]

Hi hun!

 

Darling - I am so sorry you are feeling so down at the moment ((((HUGS)))) to you. This birthday is bound to bring back some rotten memories, especially with that weekend away you were planning.

 

It may not feel like it right now but you HAVE made some fantastic strides over the last year. Just remind yourself of that - over and over - oh, and OVER!

 

It is gonna be your birthday - WOOP WOOP - happy birthday honey! Try to get through that day and have a good time. Don't sit and mope and look back - look forward from now on.

 

Look - why not use this day to really draw a line in the sand? The end of a crappy book that stank. Gawd - chuck that thing in the rubbish and buy into the new book you have been writing because it sounds infinately better.

 

Stop talking to your ex about what went on - he is not worth another moment of your time, is he? We can carry on looking back with the what ifs blah but it just makes you sat stuck in a time warp.

 

Stop worrying about finding someone else darling - that is half the problem here. It is daunting and very scary when we get to our age and worry how the hell we will find someone else. I battled with this for a long time, I really did. But you know, I am past worrying now and I feel so much happier in myself and so much more relaxed. I have a pretty good life and I am happy to live my life walking along smiling. If I meet someone then great, but I am not looking because it is not something I NEED anymore.

 

Relax and be you, ok? Carry on doing all those positive things that you have been doing. That is fantastic that your poetry has been published - that is fantastic! I would love to read your work - from the style of your postings I KNOW they will be wonderful. Maybe you would PM them to me?

 

So Happy Birthday and lets really use this to walk forward.

 

Mark

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much, Mark.

 

I'm actually feeling better already today, thanks in part to the wonderful responses I've received.

 

I have indeed made strides this year. I loved your metaphor of throwing the awful book into the rubbish; it's a perfect metaphor for me, a lover of books and writing!

 

You're right, I should not talk to my ex about anything personal. He has no business telling me about his problems in his current relationship. He made his bed, and now he has to lie in it, as they say. He has to understand that choices have consequences; he made his choice, and he has to deal with and live with whatever happens. It is not my responsibility to coddle and comfort him and validate his misery.

 

You're also right about not being so worried about finding someone else. That is a huge source of distress for me, and it needs to stop. Somewhere along the line, I have allowed myself to get caught up in the belief that to be somebody special, I have to have someone special in my life, in a romantic sense. Not so! The world is still a great place, I still have a lot of great things in my life, even as a single woman. Letting go of that feeling that I *need* to have a romantic relationship is definitely something I need to work on. Thanks for reminding me of that!

 

I plan to have a nice birthday. A friend is taking me to dinner, and in the morning, I'm probably going to drive somewhere nice -- somewhere with beautiful scenery -- and listen to a CD that a really good friend made for me for my birthday. I'm actually starting to look forward to it!

 

Thanks again for your kind words. You have been very inspirational today, and I so appreciate it.

 

I will definitely PM you some poems.

[pumpkinmoon]

Sorry you are feeling this way Browneyedgirl but I am glad you are feeling better. It won't be easy but just think that it's only 24 hours and it will soon pass and I am sure next year you will have a great birthday, the first one is always going to be the hardest. It is my birthday this month too and I am dreading it, can't wait til it is over and soon it will be

 

I know it is hard thinking back to this time last year but look at it as in how faryou have come... It seems you have had a pretty rotten year but you have gotten through it and I am sure you are over the worst of it all and things will start getting better, at leastyou wont have to go through all this again if it was this time last year.

 

Congrats on the poem, thats really great and I hope you have a really nice day tomorrow xx