My ex and I are back together but...

[sikk_entyerd]

Thanks to so many who have helped me cope with my most disastrous times. All those replies have really helped through my break up with my gf of 4 years. 2003 was a most difficult year for me but thanks to friends, family and others on enotalone have helped me through the thick. I've dated other girls since but really haven't been able to give myself to any girl. Since the breakup I've been always guarded not to let myself catch feelings too quickly to once again be broken. So far the girls I've been dating aren't really up to speed as I subconsciously compare them to my ex. Anyway, I've not seen or talked to my ex on whole year from Jan 2003 to Dec. She calls me right after X-mas and is totally at mercy. We meet and talk. At first I was totally reluctant to even speak with her after how she stabbed me in the back seeing this other guy when she was with me at the time. For she was the cause of my misery the whole freakin year and I just didn't want to have anything to do with her. She sends tons of e-mail messages and I get about 30 missed calls from her from my cell saying she misses me and wants to meet and talk. I return one message saying to but inside I'm really not over her and needed some sort of closure or something so I after another 30 or so missed calls and emails I decided to meet with her. We meet and the old good memories start. I have this sense of happiness again. So what do we do we end up hooking back up again. Theres been 4 years of history behind us and I felt even though she lied to me, I still love her and want to try to work things out. Anyway we've been together since for about 3 weeks now but still get that feeling of uneasiness. For me this is the worst thing, where you can't really trust that person completely yet and you tend to worry yourself sick. I don't know what it is exactly but I feel as though now, I was much happier not worrying for anyone when I was alone. I don't know whats wrong with me, I was depressed and angry when she wasn't in my life but now that my ex is back in my life I'am not happy. Maybe the feelings for her have changed and I've finally realized that I'm over her while with her. I really don't know what to do? I thought I wanted us to try to work things out but I still don't trust her like I did in the past and my feelings for her seemed to have changed. Am I just hanging on to the good the feelings and memories I had of her in the past? Sorry for such a long and confusing topic. I seriously need some advice.

[xoxlarixox]

hey...ok well first of all...dont ever compare between gf´s its such a bad habbit , people are SO different, everyone has their good qualities and bad ones, and by comparing them your letting your brain tell u that what one girl did was bad and the other is good, when in reality neither is good nor bad theyre just different, so never compare!! second of all, i totally can understand why you would have mixed feelings about your gf, she back stabbed u, and hard. but from a girl´s point of view she´s still interested in your love, mayeb she didnt realize how good she had it and thats why she wanted to go back to you, thats why she called u and y she left so many messages...but you say that you may be over her now...well i knwo thsi is probably not teh answer you´r looking for but TALK WITH HER...a relationship is about 2 ppl not just u or not just her, and ask her why she left u and why she wants u back, ask her eveyrthing u need to know...always rememebr that trust, comunication and honestyare the KEY to a GREAT relationship!

[raggamuffin]

You probably will always love her deep deep down forever because 4 years is such a long time to love someone. But that doesnt mean you have to be with her. You have probably realised now that you have her shes not the person you want to be with becasue of the hurtful things that she has done to you in the past. At least now you know that and you can move on from that part of you life. You may not be over her but thats ok you dont have to be, but you dont have to be with her. Sometimes its just nice to be by yourself so you dont have to worry about any of the woes relationships can bring. I hope this helps..I dont think it did though. R.

[bdub]

It seems that this is what happens if people get back into relationships before they are ready to be back together. It sounds like you still love this girl, but you have not been able to forgive her. The source of your anxiety is that you fear she will do it again. I agree with one of the previous posts who suggested that you talk with her. If this relationship is going to work out the second time around, you have to be open and honest with your feelings, even the feelings that are touchy and difficult to address. If you aren't able to clear up your feelings, this anxiety will build into resentment and the "new" relationship will end up the same as the last one.

 

We are so lucky to be human and be able to learn from our mistakes. Just make sure you are willing to learn the tough lessons so that you don't have to repeat them again and again.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[cobro]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I too was in the exact same situation you are in, got back with the ex after she stabbed me in the back this summer. She left me to go back to her ex bf and came back to me and stupidly, I took her back. That was the worst decision. It was cool for like a month, we got along great and hooked up, everything was there like the old times, except I still held resentment for what she did to me and put me through. I guess I can't say everything was there, I distinctly remember being grossed out when we were having sex again for the first time when at one point I thought to myself "she was just with the other guy a month before this" and it seriously freaked me out. Just the thought that I was getting sloppy seconds was disgusting. We then started having other problems, like she continued talking to her ex on the phone and just acting really shady, caught her in a lie once too. Hmm. So the mistrust grew, by 2 months I was always worrying that she was going to leave me and just not trusting her at all. She didn't help things by becoming quiet and not saying she loves me anymore. I knew it was coming, by the end of October she broke up with me claiming I didn't trust her and she couldn't be with someone like that. Looking back on why it didn't work, the only conclusion that I came to is that we rushed into it. I wanted to take it slow, but she was the one who wanted to rush it. See, I wasn't ready to fully trust her again, I still held resentment for the summer of hell she put me through, but when she wanted me back its like I forgot all of that. But I wasn't ready. If I had to do it over again, I would have either not gotten back with her or just be platonic until I could trust her again. She gave me no reason to trust her after breaking my heart the first time. So the bottom line is, you must have TRUST. If you sit around worrying about her then there is a problem with trust. I would either talk to her and slow things down or get out of the relationship if she can't give you any reason to trust her. I tried to get mine to give me a reason to trust her and she couldn't take the confrontation, so she just broke up with me instead. If someone had given me this advice when I was in your situation, I probably wouldn't have listened, but it might make the difference between love and heartbreak. Just be honest and ask her to do the same don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, like becoming a couple when you really dont want to (hint Hope this helped some, I hope your situation turns out better than mine did. Good luck.

 

cobro