ccali78 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 It has been 5.5 months since the break up and a lot of pain after it. I finally feel I can be his friend. I am ok with him dating if he wants and I have felt this way since last Wednesday. We have been in contact everyday since then as friends and it feels good. I do not want him back but it feels good being able to talk to him about things outside of our relationship which was not healthy at all.. There is hope if you just really work on yourself. I am not talking about reconciliation I am just talking about happiness for yourself! Link to comment
Kahdeksan Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 This is beautiful, you have done what many here have stumbled with in hoping that by keeping and maintaining NC there is a chance at reconciliation. You've come off from keeping NC as happy as ever, and I for one am happy for you! NC does work, for ourselves more than anything. This is proof! I too hope I will be back to my former self in the short weeks to come, but I DO NOT want anything to do with my ex at all, not even friendship, since my friends don't treat me like she has. You're an inspiration~! Link to comment
abriellek Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 be careful with the contact every day. that can turn ugly. But otherwise, good for you! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Cali, i'm glad that you're happy, but don't forget this is the guy who has hurt you a million times and last time (very recently) he was cheating on you with another girl. You keep going back to him not because he's a good guy and you have a good relationship, but because you are lonely and miss him. You can sometimes confuse the 'feeling good' hormones of contacting someone you are attached to with the reality that the person is just no good for you at all, and the problems in the relationship don't go away just because you are in contact again. He's still the same cheating, self centered guy, and you'll be back on here in a few weeks or months again writing about how you started sleeping with him again then he cheated on you/hurt you. Don't you think it is time to just leave this guy totally behind and find someone who treates you really well? Don't confuse your fear of being alone and happiness at having a warm body in your life with true, enduring love. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 24, 2008 Author Share Posted September 24, 2008 But that is the thing.. I do not want him back... I am totally happpy with myself... This is a good thing... You cannot manipulate someone that has no desire to be manipulated anymore.. It is like I woke up and I see life for what it really is... I am working on myself and staying in touch with my needs and what comes first to me. I do not care if he dates. I have found peace and that is all I am saying. I felt normal and alive and i have not felt that way in so long and it is NOT because of him. It is because I am finally realizing things about myself from taking to look at myself... Link to comment
rapunzel Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I'm very happy for you that you are feeling better and that you are OK with being "friends" with your ex, him dating other, yet... I also agree that daily contact with your ex is probably not a good thing at this point in time and you may be deluding yourself a tiny bit. I know because I have done this - I have rationalized having contact with my ex, mostly last time around. We have never had daily contact, however. This time around I'm being stronger and am resisting contact with him, despite temptations in the last couple of weeks. Are you really ready to see him happily ensconced with a new woman while you remain alone? If you really are ready to wish him well and let him go for good, and you are certain you'll be happy for him when he is in a new relationship, then you are a stronger person than I am. I'm working on that, and working on truly letting my ex go, and opening my heart up to new people. But I would not be able to do this while having daily contact with my ex because I still love him. The daily contact will probably go away when he finds a new woman - are you ready for that? But he will stay in touch with you to keep you in his life - but perhaps just as a friend and a "back up" in case the new woman doesn't work out. I don't mean to be a spoil sport. I agree - it is all about finding happiness or at least contentment within oneself. I like to think I'm totally happy with myself and it is excellent to even "act as if" this is true but we all want that special someone in our lives that we can depend on. For me, I'm still wishing and hoping it was my ex...although it has only been 3 weeks since our "break". Inner peace and contentment is the goal and it is very healthy to wish your ex well and encourage him to find his own happiness. Part of that involves letting him go.....But it takes a long time and it sounds like you may be too close for comfort with him right now. I do hope it all works out for you though. You seem like a very nice person and you deserve all good things in your life. Don't settle for crumbs, always take care of yourself first and keep your heart light and open to other people! Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 It is hard to explain, but I am in a good place. I am happy alone.. Yes I would be happy if he started seeing someone else... He is severely depressed and I think him finding someone would help him.. He does not do well alone... I have learned that only I can make myself happy.. I know there are some skeptics but I am 100% positive that I do not want my ex back... There is no faint hope down the road... I have different visions and different goals.. I am just saying it is possible. I have grown tremendously and if you read my thread about being an alcoholic you will understand. Today I work on myself and nothing else... I have found an inner peace and am joyful with myself and by myself... I smile all the time and I can just relax (no worry)... Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 Everyone was right. We cannot be friends... I am laughing about it now... It is too hard... I have said Bye and mean it... (I hope)... It was just too hard yesterday. It was his birthday and I was ok with that... But than I got an email from a friend that is a girl (a couple we always hung out with). There were 5 of us that were real close (4 couple and including us 5). Well this was the last of our group of mutual friends to get engaged.. It hit me hard.. Not because I wanted to be with him but I am alone. All our friends (which we will both remain friends with) are married or engaged and totally in love. I still do not care if he dates ect... But I realize by me being his friend I am holding myself back... From growing and finding the love I want. Because if I am scared of dating I can call him and he will come running to my loneliness... So I am going NC for me today. There was not bad blood or fight just a feeling that I know it is time Link to comment
rapunzel Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 Yup, it's too hard being "friends" and it does hold us back, if we are the one who wants more in the relationship. Good you are laughing and not crying though! I think No Contact is a good idea. You are young and pretty and you should definitely open yourself up to meeting new people and new opportunities. You need a clean break to get past this and to start over with a clean slate. As I work part time with my ex, I cannot do NC and I'm struggling on how to balance the work/colleague relationship with my unresolved feelings for him. I know that our work contact is going to delay my healing and I'm just hopeful that I can handle this. So I do recommend you do full No Contact if you can. It's really the only way to move on for good. Good luck. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 30, 2008 Author Share Posted September 30, 2008 You know I do not cry... I have not figured it out. I get sad.. Feel like crying but no tears... I guess someday I will let it out... But yeah I can absolutely go NC. hAve not ties and no excuses... I just needed to be ready and it is for me. I still did not want the relationship back but he was my security of not having to move forward which is just not realistic. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Cali, you have to think about what your longer term goals are, and if staying in contact with him prevents you from really being emotionally available to date other men, or plays with your emotions day to day, then you have to make that choice to stop contacting him. perhaps it is time to change your phone number so you aren't distracted by his texts etc.? Link to comment
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