Interfaith Advice?

[kamurj]

I've been dating a guy for about a year and a half now. Our relationship is great in every aspect except our faiths. I'm a Christian, and he is a Unitarian. We both feel very passionately about our beliefs. In the year and a half that we've been dating, we've only had a handful of arguments, and as far as I can remember, they've all been somehow related to our beliefs. The big problem is, that at this point we realize how much that we'd like to end up married, but want to be objective about the possiblities of it working out. I'm pretty uncompromising that I want to raise my children as Christians, and in a Christian church, and he is far from being like minded on the issue. Neither of us want a family that is divided on such a fundamental issue, but in every other way we seem so right for each other. We have come to the point where we can no longer put this off. (We've been doing so since we started dating) We love each other very very much. We don't want to loose each other, but at the moment we can't even think of where to begin to work it out. Does anybody have any advice?

[kamurj]

What are your beliefs? How do they differ from his? Why are you divided? Personally I feel that most of the wars going on in this world are petty & childish, and usually dealing with religion. (Can someone please explain the Irish "troubles" to me in 1 consise paragraph?)

 

Does he worship headless goats, and demand virgin sacrifices? Or do you both believe in a higher power, looking after one another, being good to people, saying thank-you for the good things and asking for help when you are confused. I think you should concentrate on the similarities between you, not the disparities.

 

Don't forget that although you may decide how to raise your children, eventually they are going to make up their minds for themselves. Why not let them find their own way, both of you can explain your beliefs and the children can visit both places of worship.

 

You may want to raise your children in a Catholic church, but I wouldn't leave them alone in one.

 

 

Work it out, we're all the same under our thin layer of protective skin. We need to learn to work together.

[sareba39]

Hi! So, this is sareba again, I've just officially registered under sareba39.

Well, I'm still dating the same guy. We've been sucessful at avoiding all this for even longer. We have now been dating for 3 years. Things are still wonderful in every other aspect of our relationship.

In response to the last post, I said that I was a Christian, but I'm not Cathoic. My bf and I do have lots of the same moral values. One of the big differences, is that he doesn't neccessarily believe there is a higher power, and if there is one, that it's more of the "Great Watchmaker" variety. Hence when I mention anything about how God may have had a part in something, he rolls his eyes.

I know that my kids will one day make their own choices, but I would like to give them a background in Christianity. I don't think that until your beliefs have been "tested" they can really become your own. This can happen at an early age, or for a lot of people, this happens when they leave home, go to college, and have to make the decision as to which direction, if any, they will choose to develop their spirtitual lives. I think this journey is just as important as how you are "raised". With all that said, I'm still believe that the foundation you get as a child has a great influence over that. Sometimes in a positive way, sometimes in a negative. I hope that I can give my children a positive view of Chrisitianity when it comes time for them to decide how they will shape their spiritual life.

With all that said, back to my relationship. I really love this guy, and it's clear that he really loves me. I not even attracted to other guys anymore. I can't even imagine what life would be like without him. I'm 24 years old, and spent this past summer jumping from wedding to wedding. In three months 6 friends got married, and I attended 4 of the weddings. My sister is having a baby in the next couple of weeks, and all of these things really make me think about our future. I so want one. But I don't want to do anything stupid, "assuming" that our differences will work themselves out. What do ya'll think?

 

sareba

[Judith123]

sareba - any update on this?

Im in a similar situation myself and would love to know how things are going with you

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

You may want to raise your children in a Catholic church, but I wouldn't leave them alone in one.

 

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Ummm. What does this have to do with anything the OP was asking? Do you know the difference between Catholic and Christian?

 

Well since B's advice was offhanded and helpless, I'll take a stab at it.

 

I've always thought about the same thing. I would be willing to let my children be raised Baptist, for example, if my wife was Baptist. (I would still attend my Church sometimes.) But believe in very liberal religious pluralism:

 

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so it wouldn't be as much of a problem, in my case. The fact is that ONE of you will have to give in, or some sort of compromise will HAVE to be made. If you are "uncompromising" as you say, he will HAVE to give in. Can you see of ANY other alternative? I don't think there is one.

 

You may have to break up with him. If you're looking for compromise the last place you should look is religion. If two of your are unwavering in your beliefs then I really don't see any way out of it. I mean, I know you want to make it work, but EVEN IF two people seem perfect for each other, compatibility is a prerequisite to starting a life together, and you may not be compatible.

 

But maybe to help you be a little more open. You know, Unitarianism is a form of "Christianity."

 

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And always remember that your thoughts of having your children raised in a Unitarian Church--well he's having the EXACT same feelings.

 

Good Luck

[sareba39]

It's been a year since I last posted, and it seems so ironic that I got an email that this thread had new posts, since today marks my bf and I's 4th anniversary (dating anniversary that is).

 

Things are going really well between the two of us. I believe that our relationship has caused me to really examine my beliefs from different angles, and it has strengthened because of it. We still haven't come to any definite conclussions about how we will raise our children, but we've done well at focusing on our similarities. I still plan on sharing Christianity with them, but I'm not oppossed to my bf taking them to the Unitarian Church as well. The main problem with compatibility was that Christianity can be exlusive (which was why my bf was so hostile towards it). But after examining, I realized a few things about my beliefs that will make teaching my kids to be tolerant of other's beliefs easy, and not to dismiss them as wrong. They are all based out of the New Testiment, which was important to me. I'll list them so you can see how I realized how compatible our beliefs turned out to be:

 

From the Sermon on the Mound:

 

Jesus says, " Belssed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.........blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven..."

 

He doesn't say belssed are those that believe in me and are....The poor in spirit, pure in heart, peacemakers, and those persecuted for the sake of righteousness aren't only those who claim Chrisitianity.

 

And then there is the verse that evey good Sunday schooler learns:

" Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

 

I don't think many could make the argument that Christians are the only seekers. And Jesus tells us that those who seek find. So, who am I to say that if you "find" something other than the historical understanding of Jesus, you didn't find God?

 

I've got tons more. Judith, if you are interested I can send you other reasons from scripture that I don't have a problem teaching them that other religions with the same fundamental moral values are good. By fundamental here I mean love, honor, kindness, and other "good" characteristics. I think my bf is fairly comfortable with me teaching the kids Christianity as long as I don't tell them other religions are bad, which I think is very understandable and very fair. I still want them in a Christian church at least every other Sunday, and I'd like us to go as a family. It doesn't seem so far fetched now as it did 2 years ago. There are still some things to work out, but I really feel like we will be able to make it work. If you are interested in how things are going, let me know, and I'll keep updating from time to time.

 

Thanks for the advice/support! It's really important to know that there are others that think/ feel similar things!

[mochaleet]

I can directly relate to your quandary. Sareba, you sound like a very thoughtful and spiritual person, but to me, your diifferences resemble a philosophical as opposed to purely religious nature.

 

My father is a Rabbi, obviously I was raised fairly religiously, and I caught hell, so to speak (Judaism doesn't have hell) when I dated nonJews. At first I chuckled when I read your different religious backgrounds, of course, I'm not aware of the essense of Unitarianism, but I thought you were Muslim and he was Jewish.

 

I've seen interfaith marriages work well, even with profound differences, with children involved. However, there is an underlying tension. When my sister in law's sister (who married a Protestant) comes in for Rosh Hashanah the husband is NEVER there. Is it possible your BF can suck it up and attend services? Can you establish a bare minimum that you can both commit to, involving some compromise on his and your end?

 

I think it can work. Don't let the other weddings influence your decision. However, your relationship sounds wonderful. I have been dating for many years and not found the Jewish man of my dreams (or thought I did and it didn't work out.) I would be most reluctant to let this one go, even on the basis of religion. The human connection, especially in the romantic realm, is priceless, and if after three years you are more attracted and connected, then he sounds worth the effort, even in this case. If your religious differences were just one of the many significant problems then I would say, let it go, but that is clearly not the case.