Still Looking for me...

[Shadows Light]

I don't know how to appropriately title this journal. Maybe the title should be.. "Shadow's of my life and mind" Dunno.

 

Dunno where to begin either. Where is the beginning? And where am I? Well I'm desperately looking for a compass or maybe someone to kick me in the behind.

 

I guess I have to deal with one bucket of issues at a time.

 

Work. I lost my job back in January this year. Whoo hoo. It was escruitatingly painful as it was a relief. Relief because my boss had been raising the bar on me for over a year. Everytime he'd raise it... I'd jump through the newest challenge, which didn't please him very much as he had to become more and more inventive. Stupidly... I thought if I was the model employee, and jumped through every hoop... he'd tire of his game and go on to his next victim. Ohhh stupid silly me. Thinking I could be different from all of the others who'd incurred his ire. Ok ... so its a learning on my part. If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog.. has fleas and barks, then it is what it is and its time to get out of dodge. Lesson was... I can only change myself and not anyone else. His mind was made up... and I should have left when I still had my self confidence in tact.

 

Now... here's the problem. I live in an econmically depressed area of the country. (don't we all these days). And I can not... can not pick up my kids and move. My confidence is shot.... to the point where I don't know what I know. I can't work in the same industry as there is a NON COMPETE in place. Which people keep telling me is illegal.. but look.. it's a top tier fortune company... others have gone before me and tried to fight it and lost. I don't have the money to fight them. AND..... even if I did go to work for a competitor... I'd have to move. And I can't do that.

 

So.... here I have 15 years of experience in a product line that is a NICHE product.

 

What do I do? Where do I go???

 

I have applied and applied till I can apply no more. I've read an armful of books on job hunting. I'm networking and find that every nearby industry that pays anything is not hiring. And my resume???? ohhh I just want to scream. It took me 3 months to get a "GOOD" crisp resume. And now... I have an advisor telling me that I have to further dumb down my resume. That I have to have 3 or 4 resume's. He calls me a "TWEENER" because there are 3 to 4 paths that I can possibly embark on. None of which is clear cut. OKKKKK so we've redone my resume... sent it out.. and NOTHING. I got nothing.

 

Unemployment is about to run out. My resources are about to run out. And I'm stuck. Can't re-edcuate. Not when I have to worry about paying the bills in the mean time.

 

grrrrrrrrrrr... I'm frustrated.

 

 

Personal life..... ohhhhh chit. I think I should give up on having a personal life. I keep pushing my personal life problems off into a little room in my head where I don't have to think about it. I am seeing someone... who I care about a great deal. And I know he cares about me. So whats the problem? HA !!! well... for instance, I am constantly mentally fighting the compulsion to RUN. Everytime my ex-husband decides to do the dr jeckyl/mr hyde deal on me. grrrrrrr. Divorce... HA !! if you have children... all Divorce means is that the (horses behind) doesn't live under your roof 24/7. There would be no need for communication at all but for having children in common. Quite recently my "X" blew up at me over the phone.... I made a mistake on a date for something the kids would attend. He came out and called me a liar. And took the opportunity to go off on a wild hair tangent on the reasons for our divorce. Mind you... we've been appart for 5 years. grrrrrr. The crux of the matter is... I do not react in front of him.. or react on the phone. I'm cool, calm, collected and logical. It's when I get off the phone that I fall to pieces.

 

A friend of mine who is an "AA" member for 20 years and counselor calls it ...button pushing.

 

I trigger.... I trigger like MASLOWS DOG.

 

And consequently... I then question all my interpersonal relationships. For instance.. the guy I'm seeing could be the greatest guy in the world. But as far as I'm concerned... I don't trust him. I let him in only so far. And when I trigger... I then withdraw and I retreat.

 

Logically.. I realize that I'm programed. I've read all the books, seen the counselors.. bought the T-shirts. I know whats going on. But how to cure me? I don't know.

 

And the whole love thing??? grrrr. What does it mean? what does it mean??? I get the "I LOVES YOUS" and then in my head I'm thinkin.. "yeah ok.. so whats your angle".

 

Did I mention that i have a difficult time accepting compliments and my self esteem is in the toilet??

lol.

 

I seriously thing that I should be "DATING" casually... rather than being in a relationship with anyone. But does anyone listen to me??? ahhhh that would be a resounding "NO"...

 

Friends and family think I'm a head case. I have as many people on one side of the fence as I do the other side of the fence regarding this guy. And the people who are negative about him are only that way because they were there to peel me off the floor after my divorce and don't want to do it again.

 

And then... and then.,... this will sound stupid.. but I find myself comparing.... or rather engineering.. building.. what the perfect guy for me would be like. He'd have these qualities... those qualities... or he'd look like this... and act like that.... and grrrrr.

 

I'll probably end up an old lady living with a bunch of cats. lol.

 

Gads.. I think I need to see a shrink. LOL. but darned if I can afford one now. I have no medical insurance.

 

Today.. I feel lethargic... I have tonz of stuff I should be doing and yet... nothing inspires me to move.

 

I think this weeks activities have left me emotionally drained. A friend of mine is dying. Stage 4 cancer. Last week he was transported to the hospital... and this past weekend they brought him to his home. If you can call it a home. He has no family.. and very few friends. He's dying... and I can't very well take care of him... or bring him home. He's also a convicted felon and spent 15 years in "college". Ohhhh I know he's paid his dues... I don't really know what he did.. but in the time I've known him.. he's been an upstanding guy and citizen. Never the less.... I can't have a felon in my home. If my X found out... he'd have me in CHILD CUSTODY COURT quicker than I could blink.

 

Anyway... T.P. We'll call him... was released from the hospital and transported to a home where he rents a room. I haven't visted him much there since the lady who owns the house is a known crack addict. The house is a set in a gorgeous middle class neighborhood and no one would guess that its a crack house. The woman took TP in.. I suspect to syphon his SSI check and FOOD STAMP vouchers. I don't think she was properly caring for him. Well.... the woman landed herself in prison. And the inhabitants of her house are her 2 adult children. And they are.. children from what I can see. Complete irresponsible air heads.

 

We went to get TP's room ready... and I was shocked. It was in horrendous condition. Dog hair all over the place.. the dogs had deficated everywhere. TP's room was rank and filthy. We aired the room out and changed the bedding. Clean it up as much as possible. TP was delivered home... and.. OMG.. my heart broke for the man. A visiting nurse came in and we took her asside to give her the 411. This man could NOT be left to fend for himself or left in this house. She made a few phone calls... and by the next day, she had him placed in a beautfiul hospice facility.

 

Gorgeous. If you looked at it on the surface. If you think about it much... its a house of death. Hotel California. Residents check in... but they don't check out. Now.. if TP will only stay put. We had gotten him into a nursing home facility over a year ago... and that didn't go over to well... he checked out within the first 24 hours. He felt closed in.. felt like he was still incarcerated.

 

I don't think he has a choice this time. And I don't forsee how he can possibly check himself out. He is truly on his last days. On TP's first day there.. we took him for a tour in a wheel chair. We showed him the facilities and all the gorgeous gardens and ammenities. He was shocked... he said... "who'd have thought, a guy like me would wind up in a place like this?"

 

Prior to TP getting very ill.. when he was first diagnosed.. and I lost my job... he told me to "PRAY" .. he told me that if you pray.. things will come to you. He believed in a higher power and that everything happens for a reason. He told me he was diagnosed with cancer... and that he's praying. And he knows that if he prays enough, God may listen.

 

Well... the other night as we showed TP the facilities.. I bent down to whisper in his ear... "do you remember when you told me to believe? and you told me to pray? you told me you were praying too... well, I think God has answered your prayer. He doesn't always give you what you want.. but he will give you what you need. And what you need is to be in this place right now. Do you realize there is a MILE LONG waiting list to get in here??? and how you were able to get a room or a placement is beyond me... it must be God's work."

 

And to that.. TP is resigned. I am so estatically happy that he's not living his last days in that squaller. Anything could have happened to him there. He was caring for himself judging by the deplorable conditions we found his room in. There were dozens and dozens of loose sharps on the floor amidst the discarded garbage.

 

Anyway... I think I am feeling meloncholy today and lethargic.. because I've concentrated on TP's issues this week and getting him squared away.

 

Looking at TP's issues make mine seem paltry. But then again.... you can compare all you want to and always find someone who is worse off than you are.

 

My course of action... I think I need to figure out what to do with my life.

My most urgent issue is to figure out how to pay the bills. I'm looking at re-educating myself and going for my Masters in Social Work. I might as well get liceanced and paid for all the counseling I do in my spare time, and all the books I've read on self-help. lol. Sooo now what do I do to earn a living in the mean time????? I need to be earning at least 2K a month to eek it out and pay the bills. So what to do.. what to do?

[Shadows Light]

I mentioned above that I'm thinking about "social work" or "counseling".. as a possible route for re-education once I've found a job to pay the bills.

 

My life... appears to be a mess. And I appear to myself to be a head case. Yes. However, all my life people have come to me for advice, come to me as a sounding board, come to me to be their cheerleader. I'm great with other peoples issues... just not good with my own. If that makes any sense.

 

I'm exploring that option... or maybe a teaching position. Dunno.

 

I have a Bachlors of Liberal Arts Degree at this time with a major in Marketing. grrrrr. Any life coaches out there work pro-bono? I think thats what I need is a life coach? Someone to advise me where to set my sights to and help me with goal setting.

[Shadows Light]

Haven't written in over a week. Have been trying to get my feet on the ground.

 

Last friday my friend with Cancer did pass. He died with three of his friends with him. I was holding his right hand and giving him last rights,

as I made the sign of the cross over his forehead, Tom took his last breath. May he rest in peace.

 

Since then it's been non-stop phone calls dealing with friends and family.

We found out Saturday that he had family we didn't know about. He had twin daughters and a son from a first marriage. And his children (now grown and over 30 yrs old) were asking all sorts of questions about the type of man their father was. They had a very difficult time reconsiling the father they knew and were told about with the man who just took his last breath.

 

Tom as we knew him "DID" have a sorted past. He had many regrets. He bore sins that he carried on his soul ... but sins that he had paid dues on and tried to put behind him by turning his life around.

 

For me... he was a good picture of a man who could and did change behavioral patterns... who along the way burned many bridges, good and bad and others he built.

 

Last week.. during Tom's last week with us.. I found myself so very emotionally drained. After visiting him in Hospice, I'd come home and pick up my problems.... and feel empty. Depressed. I knew going to see him and taking care of him was taking its toll...but how do you say no? To NOT have gone was NOT an option. Like it or not it seemed I had to sacrifice myself for a friend so I could bring him peace.

 

Martyr syndrome? No... not really. I didn't whine about it to anyone else. It was just a realization for me on why I felt so drained and depressed thats all.

 

This week... I'm still in the thralls of depression. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday went by.... On Wednesday I spent nearly the whole day sleeping. When I woke up mired in my own stinky depression.... I sat down with myself and said.. "awww crap. I'm fighting depression. This is what it is." grrrrrr.

 

I called a friend today... had a long long chat. That sometimes helps. Gets it out of the system. I don't need a shrink. I don't need anti-depresants. I'm not imagining things... what I have on my plate are real.. concrete problems.

 

I am out of work. I need a job. I can not find a job since I live in an eccomically depressed area. (Don't we all these days). As time goes on ... my Unemployment is dwindling. Clock is going tick tock tick tock. And nothing.

 

If I watch the news... ugggh. Nothing good is coming out of it. Stock prices falling 500 points one day. Stock prices falling another day. Housing market in the toilet. Companies laying off and shutting down. Bank failures. Is any of this good news??? Heck no. Its certainly not a pick me up. But it certainly helps explain WHY I am in the boat I am in... and that I am not alone.

 

Ok... so right now.. I think my biggest issue is finding a job and keeping my boat from capsizing. How to get out of this rut. I've been applying for everything. I have done and redone my resume till I can barely recognize myself in it. lol. And nothing. I've gone out of my industry and explored all the industries... nada.. nothin... ziltch. So now what????

 

Well... I suppose I keep doing what I'm doing and keep networking. Tell anyone who will listen... "HELLO... I AM HERE... I AM EMPLOYABLE.. GIVE ME A CHANCE." heckk.... I've even thought about looking into publishing my resume on a BILL BOARD... lol.

 

So it's no wonder I'm depressed. Nothing good is coming out of depression thats for sure. But I've gotta get out of this funk cause it's doing no one anygood. Tomorrow I've decided to try to go out and volunteer at the local hospital. AT least it'll give me a PURPOSE again.. for getting dressed and getting out. And help me get out of my funk. We'll see.

 

Here's a poem I wrote the day after my friend passed. Writing always helps me cope better.. getting out on paper. Thanks for listening.

 

My friend died last night.

Thank-you angels for the blessing.

He let his soul take flight,

As I bestowed his last confessing.

 

One friend holding his hand on the left

I laying my hands on him on the right

Best man at his foot heart bereft

Our friend died last night.

 

“The measure of a man is his wealth of friends and knowledge.

The measure of his soul is what he’s given to others”

He played the game and paid his dues in college

And come out to give his all to sisters and brothers.

 

Poet, writer, musician and artist he was

And so much more none of will ever know

He just did things just because

Planting seeds he did sow.

 

Once a liar and maybe a thief

Who’s to judge a man by his past?

To those who knew him he brought relief

Even in dying breath he gave all to the last.

 

An Artists last requested painting

A monarch butterfly in flight

Though he was fast fading

The last stroke he painted fighting.

 

Strong, dear, feisty old crotcher,

Wouldn’t give way to the reaper,

Who chimed on the clock “Gottcha”

 

The canvas shows his love.

Into it he escaped pained.

Gift to a lady he is most proud of

Whose love for him was never feigned.

 

Much to say about our jack of all trade.

Ink and paper would not suffice.

Laughter, Witt and stories won’t fade.

Our coffee time together he’ll still add spice.

 

Good night my friend and brother.

Brother not of kin but of the wind

Ride hard and free to meet the great mother,

Honored are we to call you friend.

[Shadows Light]

Pulling myself up by my bootstraps.

 

OK... so yesterday was a better day than the day before.

Call it what it is... depression. Activity is better than no activity.

So I got my butt in gear, took a shower, and started to straighten

and clean. Clean, clean, clean.

 

Hey... if I'm gonna go through depression, my surroundings might as

well be clean. lol.

 

The kids came home today and I treated them to a "TEA PARTY" in thier

tree house. They looked like they had so much fun. Now why hadn't I thought of that sooner?

 

Later, I went back to the darkest recesses of my garage and dug out my old Ten Speed bike. Thinking maybe physical activity may help. And... I could take my kids on a small bike ride before dinner. Work up an appetite. It was nice.... I forgot how much I missed riding a bike. LOL. Didn't get very far since my 6 year olds legs can't pump that far. But it gave me another idea. I noticed her riding skills could use some improving... she's doing a lot of left/right/left/right... riding like a drunken sailor. Struggling to keep it a straight line. So we've decided to get on our bikes everyday and practice. Improving Skills for her... Improving my moods for me... a small goal. but a goal.

 

Next, my oldest daughter.... she's having difficulty mastering long division. hmmmm why? well.. maybe because last year they barely touched on division and she's rusty in her multiplication facts. Hmmmm... ok... another goal. Flash cards. Practice her flash cards and help her improve her math. Improving her skills.... Improving my moods for me... something to get my mind OFF of hunting for a job and the lack of calls.

 

After dinner and before bed.. my 9 year old and I went for a short walk around the block. BREATHE... JUST BREATHE. It was nice to be able to take a walk.. with just her and I. It was nice to hold her hand without her being the self conscious tweener, worrying that someone might see her holding mommy's hand. It was nice to just be a mom and being able to talk to her about her day. About my day. We've decided to try to take walks more often. It'd do us both a little bit of good.

 

Goal setting. It's difficult to set goals when you are on the bottom rung of MASLOW's HIERARCHY worried about food, clothes, shelter. Who the heck can worry about the love and esprit stuff???? lol. first things first...

GET GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT. Keep hunting for that needle in a haystack.

 

I read an article today that talked about utilizing SNAIL MAIL to send out resume's. It goes contrary to what is being taught at outplacement and placement services.... but hey.. I'm ready to try anything at this point.

So SNAIL MAIL it is... I'm going out to buy a roll of STAMPS. You remember what those are? Those sticky little things you put on the corner of an envelope. We've been using computers to pay our bills and do our banking. We've been using computers to send letters and correspondence, that I haven't seen a stamp in this house in EON's.

So there's a goal for the week... send out RESUME's via SNAIL MAIL to target companies and then next week... get on the phone and hunt down a BODY in those companies. A resounding "NO thank-you" would be better than no communication at all or the pesky computer generated email that says "we received your resume and we'll get back to you" ... and they never do. grrrr.

 

GOAL... clean up all old toys in playroom and take to charity.

GOAL... walk, walk, walk, or go to the gym... get some physical exercise in everyday.

GOAL... call the local hospital and volunteer ONE day out of the week. At least it gives me somewhere to go... and purpose. Something different.

GOAL...Time with kids. Go back to having fun "WITH" the kids. More tea parties in the tree house. More picnic's on the living room floor. More KAROKEE night. More laughs. gotta laugh more often.