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I finally left him!

Blue rose

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I have been with this man for a year and 1/2 now in what Id call an endless saga...He was very sweet and attentive in the beginning but I always had this feeling that he 'DOESN'T GET IT'... and every attempt to make him understand how I feel was dismissed and met with anger and insults. He has a child and an 'unstable' ex - his words that lives near by...In the beginning when I first felt this way I left him and he cam back; this happened with regularity as I knew where my standards were and didn't tolerate but yet taking him back each time...I know I have been stupid. Shortly after he started to get verbally abusive, lots of swearing and hurtful things and when confronted he just sulked. I have been close to him and always there for the child, putting them first and doing all the ctivities a normal family would do.


I have been told all the time that I come second and thereforee don't expect too much which I understood but he seemed to say it all the time and the more Id give in the more often would happen.


Then when I last took him back he made promises - marriage, move in together...but with the time he changed his mind saying that if I stop arguing with him or leaving will happen. In the meantime this didn't stop him threatening all the time to leave me or for me to leave his house! And I didn't and I don't recognize myself!



The more I done for him ...cleaning his flat, helping him to change houses, cooking ...the less he would appreciate...and oh boy when he gets angry he swears a lot!!! I am also being told I moan a lot and am not happy with him and thereforee he doesn't show affection...he sulks for days!



He smashes things and he grabbed me by wirsts and threw me on the bed...



He does things behind my back like enrolling in courses, signing contracts for the new house without telling me...


BUT the interesting thing is that he is a wondeful father to the little one and a responsible one so here comes the confusion...why so cruel towards me?



He says am shallow as I wear make up and and he is also paranoid about things...but he doesn't have any problems texting exes...


I have left him now, I got angry - never happened to me but just couldn't help it and grabbed him... I feel soooooobad about it just dont know what happened ...he was refusing to visit my parents and they been so nice to him...


Now, interesting one...when I said I'm leaving he got very angry! even though he asked me to pack my s...and go so many times. And the insults continued...you are insecure, emotionally disturbed...you'll miss me, are pushing away a lovong boyfriend...youll see you'll be back! And I won't it;s been a week and haven't seen him though we work together...


PS He used drugs in the past but he denies doing it now but his face is soooo changed and his eyes look weird....can it be drugs behind my back?

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What does it matter what it might be behind your back?

In truth you did the right thing by getting away and you should stay away at all costs.

People like that don't change and they don't get better at least without some sort of admission and I doubt you'd get one.


You also said nothing of loving him, though you feel you might very well love him I think that he is most definitely not for you and that with a little time and space from this guy you will be happier.


There are wonderful men out there who want to treat there girlfriends well, who want to show love and be shown love...you should have one of these and leave the man to his destructive path.


It could well be drugs he is doing, and even if you don't go back, you shouldn't stay near this guy because that can only get worse!


Take care, be strong




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Thanks for your reply, he's in his late thirties and me late 20's...my last relationship was with a man I wasn't compatible with. Interesting questions I would like you to elaborate a bit more your theories...


Hmmm. No theory yet, just humble opinions.


How much time was there between the last relationship and this new one?

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2 years...


Well, I think this last guy had a bad opinion of women for some reason, and you got the brunt of it in that relationship.


Love, respect and trust....what most people need in a loving relationship. Compatibility as well.


Outta of time for now...going to my sister's for coffee!



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Congratulations on getting yourself out of a verbally abusive relationship!


check out the website link removed - go to the quiz section. It takes a while to figure out the quiz, but it really makes you aware of tactics employed by verbally abusive people. There's a dialogue between a couple which you read, then you click on a button that says reveal abuse, and it will point out examples - and also connect with a definition to the tactics being used. I guarantee you it will be an eye opener for you.


Also you can google crazy making + emotionally abusive and read a little about it. And, the 2 classic books: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Brancroft and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.


The other tidbit about leaving an abusive relationship - it's harder than exiting an emotionally healthy relationship. Abusers don't like to let go. IN an emotionally healthy relationship both parties recognize the end of the partnership and let go.


Be happy you got out when you did, and don't look back! Take some time to learn about verbally and emotionally abusize relationships so you recognize the red flags - and look forward to a wonderful future.


Wishing you much peace! And proud of you for taking such great care of yourself!!

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