Anybody feel the same way I do?

[Rammspieler]

Are we shy because we're afraid of people or is it because we find that once we are in a conversation you just want to get it over with because you find conversations to be a chore and you end up with more awkward silent moments than any real conversation?

 

It's that for once in my life I finally asked someone out and we already had a "date". But I only had one post-date phone conversation with her and that was after she texted me asking me how I was doing and I waited for two nights before I called her up again. She's attractive and all that but I just don't feel anything beyond mild sexual attraction for her and I feel as if every time I talk to her it's a chore that I would rather watch TV than call her up.

[ElasticMagnetic]

It depends on the person for me. Like, I'm honestly a pretty shy person and fear rejection a lot, so when I FINALLY talk to someone I think is cool or attractive, it's kind of exciting at first. But when I get to know the person and find out they really aren't all that great, it will turn into a chore for me to talk to them.

 

But sometimes they ARE that great and we become friends!

 

Again, it depends.

[Teresa24]

It is also a problem to me.

I can only date online.I feel totally relaxed when I talk to someone online but when they asked me out,99% I will make excuses to refuse.

So I have few friends in real life except classmates or family friends.

[agburns84]

There's definitely nothing wrong at all with online chats. Often it's like a comfort zone to us, we're able to express ourselves and engage in good, decent conversations with the person we're talking to distraction free. It's certainly a far more care free, relaxed environment than alot of others.

[solacean]

Well, I'm shy because I am afraid of people, not because conversations are a chore - that much seems certain to me. More specifically, I am afraid of what people I don't know will think of me, and that they will use my words and/or actions to ridicule me (either behind my back or to my face, having experienced both many times). But once I've gotten to know a person a little bit and have stopped anticipating that they are out to get me, by having been forced into a situation where I HAVE to talk to them regularly (which means it only ever happens at work), I become much more able to converse at lease somewhat more naturally with them, even in those cases where I have found that I don't like the person that much.

 

I can only wish that this happened more often with women, and that if it did, that I could have been decent enough looking for it to matter.

[hmm1]

I do have social anxiety and as such it is difficult for me to have conversations with people, but the problem with conversing for me goes beyond being scared to talk. I also find I have very very little in common with most people. I'm just too different in almost every way from most people I meet. I'm very quiet and reserved, but I enjoy talking about things like politics and science and computers and even more laid back stuff like video games, but I never meet people like me, especially not girls.

 

It's just really depressing to find you're so alone in how you are. I can change myself outwardly to be more extroverted I suppose, given enough time and patience, but I don't want to. I like being more reserved than most people, since I don't like being around loud and obnoxious extroverts. It's just that nowadays everybody seems to be like that... and I never meet anyone like me. It gets pretty lonely.

[sincerelyshy]

I too find it hard to talk or express any opinions in front of loud extroverts and in larger groups. I think that what I will say is not of value or smart enough or whatever, but really...it all comes down to your self confidence. If you think that everything that coms out of your mouth is going to sound stupid, it probably will to YOU. I am like that, especially when Im with boys, but I've become better since I stopped caring. Everything you say does not have to be super smart. You don't have to act impressive all the time.

And about dating. I don't think that everybody is the "dating type". Personally I would never go on a date, I think.. I prefer meeting people at parties, work et.c. Then I don't have to feel like everything I say will be judged by the other person. If they like me for who I am that's good, if they don't who cares? You got to start valueing your own opinions more. Don't be afraid to be yourself, people, especially girls will like you for it!

[solacean]

Don't be afraid to be yourself, people, especially girls will like you for it!

 

I don't know about that. When I have been myself around strangers in the past (yes, it HAS happened on occasion), most of the time it results in me being ridiculed - either in private where it eventually gets back to me, or sometimes in public and right to my face. And the worst, most public humiliations I've experienced in such cases have always been at the hands of a woman ... they can be mercilessly cruel.

 

Maybe I'm not really classically shy after all, but rather am just a loser who has learned to get by in life by not doing anything that would reveal that to anyone until I know them enough to believe that they are the sort of people who won't seek to capitalize on my weaknesses. That also fits with how I do not attempt to engage women socially anymore, based upon their uniformly negative reactions whenever I'd tried to do so in my distant past. In other words, they may all be learned behaviors, and learned for good reasons.

[Rammspieler]

Hell yes! That is exactly my problem! Not having enough common ground to connect with anybody because your tastes and interests just happen to be beyond the grasp of most people. It's especially depressing for me considering that I live in a podunk little town on a small island nation where beyond the rather cosmopolitan capital area, everybody looks the same and would rather get their opinions from other sources rather than think for themselves. After seeing so many man-sheep it's gotten to the point where I feel ashamed and depressed because of my fellow countrymen.

 

However the funny thing is that in the case of this girl, I would think that the fact that we share at least one thing in common (a love for movies) that it would be easier rather than harder to talk with her. But alas as my last phone conversation with her has proved it is that the conversation eventually boils down to talking about movies she loves because once I go beyond the initial standard topics of greeting ("hi how are you?", etc.) I find myself struggling with trying to come up with things to talk about. I would talk about my political beliefs and my writing and video games. But she's apathetic about politics, she says she's read one or two of my articles and beyond finding them to be a bit too over the top in the anger department, she says it's okay and I don't think she's into video games.

[Brightest Dark]

Are we shy because we're afraid of people or is it because we find that once we are in a conversation you just want to get it over with because you find conversations to be a chore and you end up with more awkward silent moments than any real conversation?

 

 

I don't think I'm either of those. My dad is shy/quiet and I'm an only child so I think from a young age I was on my own a lot (even though I did go and play with my cousins who lived down the road), and maybe as a result I got used to my own company. I also remember being taught not to speak unless you're spoken to. I'm not afraid of strangers. In fact if a stranger in the street has a go at me I'll have a go back at them and stand up to them. I'm more insecure, thinking of the impact I make, what the other person will think of me, when making conversation. I guess sometimes I do think it's a bit of a chore to call people or make conversation. I think it depends on the person and how well you get on, and how much you do share in common. If there isn't chemistry there then of course you'll be less inclined to want to chat - but I think that's the same with people who aren't shy. Chatty people will still gravitate towards people they are attracted to rather than those they aren't. I think as shy people we worry more about what comes out of our mouths. I get a lift to work with someone and she is more extroverted and will talk about all kinds of crap. Some days she's telling me stuff that is so boring, I'm thinking 'this really isn't interesting at all...'. She tells me things she thinks are funny that are actually mundane and not funny at all and sometimes I have to pretend it was funny, to go along with the conversation, while really I could fall asleep because some of the things she says are so mind-numbingly boring. I think as shy people we care more about what we say, we would rather say something of interest and importance, something of relevance, while chatty people will just talk about anything. Maybe as shy/insecure types we are more perfectionists and we've got high standards, so what we think is boring to talk about or that we don't talk about, others are happy to talk about.

 

Have you asked this girl more about herself? You need to dig deeper and find out more about her. It seems you are only skating on the surface. To really connect with someone sometimes you do have to ask them more about themselves, and delve down into their life. Find out about her past, experiences she's had. Maybe try and think of something different to ask her before speaking on the phone. You could always try something fun, a game, like say 'ok, I have 5 quick questions for you' and ask her random things. This is if you think she's worth talking to. If you don't think she is, then don't bother. You shouldn't feel forced to talk to someone if you really don't want to. You should probably make up your mind... Do you want to get to know her more, or do you not want to? Whichever you choose you need to take action. Either stop speaking to her - or work on ways to make the conversations more enlightening and enjoyable for both of you. If you would rather watch TV and don't think she's worth then effort, then don't bother.

[Budman]

I can't speak for other people I can only speak for myself, and even then it's all theory.

 

I personally feel that I am/was shy due to expecations. The more I learn about reactions to things that I do the less shy I am. Basically, when I was a kid I was overweight (more so than now) I was 6'3" 285+ lbs. So, basically I felt everyone thought I was ugly, and never would attract anyone. Eventually I did lose weight and gain confidence, but it wasn't until I felt confortable in my own skin that I actually gained true confidence.

 

I was also shy because I never knew what I would say, I would get embarressed for small things that I've in a sense built in to strengths.

 

One of the most embarressing things was when I would mess up a word. Now, when I do it naturally I make it funny, people make fun of me for it, and I blow it off. I used to get embarressed when I would forget something. I was so embarressed when I had to ask a cashier how to spell four. Seriously I had forgotten and it took me while to forget that.