Bad night

[bfla]

I cried today.

 

A lot.

 

 

 

 

 

First at NM's apartment, by accident, when Rachel came up in discussion.

 

Then, when PB called while I was there, I cried a little more.

 

Then on the phone, when my Grandma called, for an hour.

 

Then, when SP called at 10, a little more.

 

 

NM got irritated early in the afternoon. She said "It's like you've gotten worse instead of better." She's right.

 

This hope is welling up inside and slowly killing me. Never in my life did I think optimism would be so toxic. These birthday shenanigans are tearing me up. I have a therapy appointment in 11 and a half hours and I already see all of this being shrugged aside.

 

YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON.

 

They keep telling me this.

But I keep posting in GBT thinking it's some kind of karmic resolve. I'm here because I want to get back together!! I'm helping people online, I'm reading the damn book, I want to do whatever it takes.

 

"Nothing you can do."

 

WHY?

 

"If you get back together it would just be the same as it was before," remarked SP on the phone about 30 minutes ago.

NO, IT WOULDN'T.

 

Damn it.

 

 

She's right. I am getting worse instead of better.

 

And it isn't going to get rid of Rachel's boyfriend, so what's the point.

[Clementine orange]

I'd unplug the phone if I were you. Sorry you are having a tough time of it...maybe it's just one of those days.

[bfla]

Yeah. Then at least I'll only be bothering myself and you guys.

[Clementine orange]

Yeah. Then at least I'll only be bothering myself and you guys.

 

You aren't bothering us...we are here voluntarily. And we've all cried.

[bfla]

My friends want to help so much, too...well, most of them.

 

And I feel like such an ass when I just can't hear what they say.

 

Seriously you guys. I don't want to move on.

 

I just don't understand how she could run to him so fast.

 

"Well that should be your motivation to move on."

 

Yeah yeah.

[needhimso]

Are you in my brain? Seriously....this has been me for the past week or so. I've had to sit on my hands and such to stop myself from calling him. The dreams about him have been constant, and things seem to be getting worse...no matter what I do or who I talk to. It's like he's haunting me I completely understand where you're at right now.

[browneyedgirl36]

My friends want to help so much, too...well, most of them.

 

And I feel like such an ass when I just can't hear what they say.

 

Seriously you guys. I don't want to move on.

 

I just don't understand how she could run to him so fast.

 

"Well that should be your motivation to move on."

 

Yeah yeah.

 

Hey bfla -- I've been reading your posts, and I've been exactly where you are. I didn't want to move on either. People told me all the same things they're telling you -- "He has someone else, so that should help you move on," "He's not the one for you," "If it was meant to be, you'd still be with him," etc. I never actively posted on the GBT forum, though, because despite how much I wanted to keep him in my life, some part of me, no matter how small, has ALWAYS known that reconciliation, even if it were possible, is probably not for the best.

 

I know how much you want her back. I know that, right now, she seems like the only one for you. I know that, right now, you can't imagine being with anyone else, and that you hate the thought of her with someone else. I know that you've read the "get your ex back" books and scoured the forums looking for stories that will give you hope, methods for getting your ex back, etc. All of that is completely normal, of course, but...it can be taken to the point where you become so focused on HER -- on getting her back, on wondering about her and how she feels and what she's doing, on whether or not her new guy is a rebound and whether or not it will work out between them -- that you lose YOURSELF. It's really, really important that you not lose sight of yourself in all of this -- that you not neglect your needs, your emotional and physical health, etc.

 

Keep posting here. Keep talking to your friends and really, really LISTEN to them. It's very easy to convince ourselves of all sorts of things because we often can't be objective about our own situations. Our friends, on the other hand, are seeing the situation from another angle, and they are often much more able to tell us what's true than we are. Don't just seek out people who will tell you what you want to hear. Keep reading, but...perhaps try reading something NOT focused on getting the ex back...how about just a general self-help type book? My therapist recommended David Burns' Feeling Good, and there are others, such as The Four Agreements, The Last Lecture, etc. that don't necessarily deall with relationship issues but might still be helpful to you. I recommended another book -- The Secret of Letting Go to another poster earlier. It's NOT really about relationships per se, but it provides some valuable insights into how we hold onto stuff that hurts us and how we can work toward letting go and being happier.

 

Crying is OK. Definitely do it when you need to. If it goes on for a long time, though -- if you find you're crying for weeks on end, for example, it might be something to discuss with your therapist. Therapy is a great idea, too. Antidepressants...I'm not sure. It depends on what your Dr. and therapist say. My doctor prescribed me antidepressants, and I got the Rx filled, but I am not taking them yet. I have been feeling better and would like to see if a combination of eating more healthily, exercising more vigorously, getting quality sleep and spending time with friends and taking better care of myself will help. So far, it has.

 

I'm not going to tell you to stop wanting your ex back. Honestly, I still want mine, but I am not doing anything -- nor will I do anything -- to actively "get him back." I have realized that I can love him and still let him go. I have no choice -- he is with someone else, and I have to stop thinking about whether it'll work out with them, whether he'll come back to me if it doesn't work out, etc. All those thoughts do is cause me more stress and pain and keep me locked in a holding pattern.

 

Hang in there. You're doing all the right things. You just need to focus more on YOU -- what you need, how to make things better for YOU -- and less on her. I know it's hard, but it's essential to your being able to heal.

[bfla]

I think we are deceived by the title of this forum and of books to think there is something wrong with what seems like "actively" doing something to get them back.

 

None of us are going to go over to our ex with a rope and a straitjacket.

 

But are we really this powerless?

 

It takes two people. It takes two people's feelings.

 

We had that bond once.

 

 

It was so strong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just can't let it go.

[Infin1ty]

Hey bfla, do you have any IM clients? I think me and you share a lot of similarities in our situations, and I think if we were talk to each other, it may help us both.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think we are deceived by the title of this forum and of books to think there is something wrong with what seems like "actively" doing something to get them back.

 

None of us are going to go over to our ex with a rope and a straitjacket.

 

But are we really this powerless?

 

It takes two people. It takes two people's feelings.

 

We had that bond once.

 

 

It was so strong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just can't let it go.

 

I don't think there's anything inherently *wrong* with trying to get an ex back, but...I just don't think it often WORKS, and I think that when it doesn't, it creates even more heartache and sets back healing tremendously. As you said, it takes TWO people. If only ONE wants the relationship back, and that one happens to be the one who didn't want the relationship to end in the first place, then it's not going to happen. It's one thing for the dumpee to want the dumper back, but if the dumper doesn't want the relationship back, then NOTHING the dumpee says or does is going to change that. You can't make someone want something -- they have to want it on their own.

 

 

I know it's painful. I know the bond was strong. I know it's hard to let go. At some point, though, you'll have to ask yourself, "Do I want to keep feeling this way, or do I want to move forward?" As long as you believe that you can't be happy if you don't get her back, you'll be stuck. It will take time, though -- in some cases, A LOT of time. It's been six months since my ex told me he was reconciling with his previous ex, and I STILL feel like crap some days. Little by little, though, I am getting past the idea that he is the "one" for me, that I can't be happy without him. I KNOW I can. I'm not there yet, but I know I will be.

 

I wish I had the magic words to help you, but...this is something you have to go through. Break-ups are awful, for sure. There is no way to get around that. You just have to press on and go through it.

[Infin1ty]

Here a couple of song lyrics, that have helped me.

 

Both are by Bob Marley, I believe the first is a remake actually.

[DrPhil]

Can't have Bob Marley without the Mary Jane!

 

Whoooooo!

[The_411]

BFLA,

 

read all of Superdave's postings he's canonized here for good reason. The element truths are you can't change things and in do so you can only make them worse by staying in contact and hanging on.

 

Ask yourself why your relationship with this girl is more important that any goal that you've wanted to achieve or anything you want to do in life.

 

Other people cannot be s predominant basis for our happiness because in the end we all die. So what happens when that day comes? Would you just cease to exist?

 

Believe me my life has certainly taken a turn for terrible since my relationship has ended I'm still here and given what's gone on my life in the last 1 or so I don't think anyone I know would have blamed me if I had gone off the deep end.

 

Everyone here knows where you're at because we're posting here. We've been in shock are still in shock and continue to be in shock asking what happened and why.

 

The healing process takes time. Even getting back together takes time. I've seen so many reconciliation attempts fail because nothing was learned and the two people didn't change and do what was needed to make it work a second time.

 

It sucks that most couples don't work at things long enough and rather opt out because they think there are so many possibilities.

 

While there are it also means that you may never get the right relationship because you aren't willing to work on one.

[bfla]

I don't want to nitpick the dumper/dumpee dynamic here, but we sort of agreed to break up mutually.

 

Then I went and changed my mind.

 

I guess that makes me the dumpee in some perspectives, but at the outset this was pretty mutual.

[bfla]

My friend is trying to push me into what we at ENA would consider an LB. Heh heh. Oy....

[The_411]

BFLA,

 

That's the great fallacy of life especially life in the US. It's part of the reason the U.S. and the world for that matter are falling and continuing to fall apart. We're taught you can achieve anything which is fine but what gets left out is the struggle the pain the sweat the tears. It's how the culture operates now. People want things now and if they don't get it they change things until they do. Change jobs, lovers, friends, clothes. People are more and more defined by their wealth who know what car they drive, how much money they make, where they live. Look at the crap on TV that's emphasized... the Real World. Is there anything "real" about living with 6 strangers in a large metropolitan city in some huge mansion and being given a job? Not to mention that all 7 seven are photogenic. The show mimics young Hollywood stars and starlets go through except they're not famous.

 

You can't fix love like you can fix your credit because love isn't a tangible thing you can control. You can only love and hope someone loves you back.

 

That's what we all learn here or already knew and are dealing with that we can't control love and getting back together is a possibility but it's done with the idea that you need to examine what went wrong. Examine what is missing or not how you want in your life and remedy those issues because those are the things that tend to derail relationships aside from any problems that your ex might have that might make an unsuitable partner for you or anyone for that matter. She's young she needs to explore it doesn't mean she's not the one and it doesn't mean she is.

 

Read some books about society culture self-help whether it's books about letting go or co-dependency, severe mental disorders. Things can be seen with greater clarity when gazed upon from afar.

 

You're so young and the world is just beginning to reveal it's possibilities for you. Embrace this opportunity it may lead you back to her and it may not that's what we're saying. We're not saying do this or do that regarding the relationship we're just saying think about other things as hard as it may be otherwise this can destroy your life.

 

Believe me losing my ex hurt me in many ways that I'm still dealing with a year later. The good news is that I'm dealing with issues that have plagued me my whole life.

[Steve 7745]

Every generation since the last thought that their's was the last to have any shred of morals. It's been this way since at least the 1920s, oddly. But we endure and go on.

 

This world is full of people who don't know what they want. Don't know how to feel, don't know what to feel. They've forgotten that the important thing is just to feel. It's the only way we get by these emotions. You can't rush through them, can't escape them just as you can't escape yourself. They wait for you in the dark when you come home, when you cuddle in someone's arms or at work. Men or women, it matters not. You can imagine that these emotions are little demons, or just an obstacle to get passed. The latter is more inviting.

 

If she's gone, she's gone. If you have to cry, just cry. Cry as much as you want. If you get angry or anxious, go ahead. No one here knows who you are. No one here would jeer you because everyone here is the same. But stay NC. It's easier if you tell yourself that this person is gone.

 

We're all in this together.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't want to nitpick the dumper/dumpee dynamic here, but we sort of agreed to break up mutually.

 

Then I went and changed my mind.

 

I guess that makes me the dumpee in some perspectives, but at the outset this was pretty mutual.

 

Well...Ok, but, you changed your mind, and she didn't change hers, so yes, technically, you are the dumpee.

 

Even so, regardless of who dumped who, or whatever happened, BOTH people have to want the relationship to work in order for it to work. At this point, she is trying to make something work with someone else. Whether he's a rebound or not, it just IS. I hate to be blunt, but...at this point, Rachel is getting on with her life with someone else. It may last, it may not, but regardless, you're not getting on with yours because you are waiting on her to want you back.

 

I'm not trying to be negative, and I'm certainly not cynical or bitter about relationships -- particularly reconciliations -- but I see A LOT of talk on these boards about what the other person is doing, thinking, feeling, etc., when the poster should be focusing on him or herself. I look at it this way: My ex is with someone else. Do I like that? NO. Do I wish he'd change his mind and want me back? Absoultely. Can I do ANYTHING to change the situation? NOPE. Any conclusions he comes to about me and what we had/could have must come from HIM. He knows I'm a wonderful lady -- he's experienced it firsthand. He knows it and he still chose to go back to his ex. So, I can sit and think about whether it'll last between the two of them, plan ways to make him realize I'm the "one" for him, wait patiently for him to come back, and all the while he's going about his life with someone else, and I'm putting my life on hold. I've been there before, and it is the most painful place I've EVER been -- far more painful than being without him to begin with.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't want her back -- of course you do. I'm not saying she'll *never* want to be with you again -- I don't know that for sure; no one does. What I am saying is to try, to do your best, to move forward and let her figure things out on her own.

[yankeefan74]

It sucks that most couples don't work at things long enough and rather opt out because they think there are so many possibilities.

 

This is a great point.

[bfla]

It sucks that most couples don't work at things long enough and rather opt out because they think there are so many possibilities.

 

 

Well, that's why I'm desperately hoping to get that chance. I opted out and I want to opt back in. She's great and we are great.

[Clabs]

Hi bfla

 

I don't wish to seem harsh but you aren't a couple and as such, you aren't great as a "we".

 

Brownoeyedgirl has given you some fantastic advice and you would do well to take it for your own sanity.

 

Nobody knows what the future brings but if you take the information you have right now and walk forward you will save yourself a lot of heartache. I have seen this so many times on here and whilst I don't want to stereotype your situation, the outcomes of relationship breakups are remarkable similar.

 

It is time to look out for you now.

 

Mark