How do you move on?

[SincerelyYours]

I was the happiest guy on the planet this last Saturday, and I was riding that high until Wednesday night, when I called asking about the second date.

 

I've known her for a year know, and I've spent many hours with her. Our first date went perfectly, I was respectful, and we laid down after a picnic and talked for hours, until dark. I was so confident, and I had a second date so well planned out, taking her to learn how to swing-dance. Then, when I called back, she said she wasn't sure. She said there was another guy back at college (she and I both go to the same university, but we just happen to be in the same home-town over summer break). She wasn't sure about him either, but he wanted exclusivity. She said she would call me back the next day, after she had thought about it.

 

Now, I completely adore her, and I was ridiculously nervous all day, I couldn't eat or sleep before hand. She called with bad news. She wanted to give the other guy a chance, date him and see where that took her. I feel like such an idiot, she's still the most amazing person I've ever met, and I don't know what to do.

 

She let me down gently, as "friends," but there's no way I could call her or even talk to her without feeling like awful. I mean, this has been the girl I'd fall asleep thinking about.

 

How do you move on? Is there a way change how I feel about her? My first reaction after hearing the news was to drink, and I haven't been back home yet, because I know as soon as I stop doing something, as soon as I stop moving, I'll start feeling awful again. And I do.

 

She said she doesn't want to lose me as a friend, but right now I feel like the best I'll ever be to her is a second-rate friend. I of course haven't talked to her since, and she said I could call her whenever I wanted to. I really want to talk to her, but I know I can't. What do I do? She told me not to wait for her. She knows how I feel. And I guess now I know how she feels.

 

Do I just leave her alone? Just keep my space from her? ](*,)

[SupaflyTNT]

Never talk to her again, it's the only way you're going to move on. Sorry his happened to you. Only NC and time are going to make this better.

[isilv3r]

I think the best thing is to not talk to her until she has figured it out. If you keep contact with her, she's getting the best of both worlds. Dating one guy and keeping you as a friend or a possible back up. Do you really want that? She made the choice to dump you for another guy so be strong, have a few drinks with friends, hit a strip club, get back into the swing of things and keep looking my friend! ...When you are with someone, you should come first, no doubt about it.

[audrey28]

rejection is painful, but you know what, everyone has experienced it no matter how good-looking/ smart/ funny/ fabulous etc etc they are. think about it. even jennifer anniston has been rejected. and she is jennifer anniston.

 

the best way to survive rejection is to allow yourself to feel the pain like you are doing, deciding to move on, and doing whatever it takes for you to move on. this means distancing yourself from this girl and accepting that you cannot be friends in the foreseeable future.

 

from what you shared, i think you are doing great bec:

1. you are not in denial about the situation. you know you like her and the feeling is not quite mutual

2. you WANT to move on

 

i think that is healthy behavior. you are off to a good start.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sounds like she's using you as a safety net, in case the relationship she's in fails.

 

Don't be second best!

[SincerelyYours]

Is going NC a permanent thing? I can't imagine a person better than her, I really can't. Then we also run in similar circles at college, meaning I'll end up seeing her no matter what. I just get that awful gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about the future.

 

That sounds like very solid advice from all of you...

 

I know I can avoid her for the summer, I've already picked up extra shifts at work to keep me occupied. I DON'T want to think about her, but everything reminds me of her. And then there's the fact that she's expecting me to be her friend in the future, somewhere down the road. Right now, even just being close to her sounds amazing, but I feel like if I ever want to get back into really living, I can't obsess about her (even thought I might want to), and is friendship too much of her to ask from me?

 

I'm scared that if I ever pick up the phone, or have lunch with her, even months from now, I'll just be reminded about how perfect she is, and then I'll be reminded that she left me for some guy.

[mattysfun]

Never talk to her again, it's the only way you're going to move on. Sorry his happened to you. Only NC and time are going to make this better.

 

that sounds really harsh, but he's right.

[kuhl282000]

I feel your pain brother .....I also have an x now myself ....its been 2 months of total hell .....think about her everyday ......its getting better slowly ....I'm committed to giving myself a year to heal .....hopefully much sooner.....

 

I contacted mine right after the break just like you ...........it was even worst .......so I stopped contacting her ....I've givin up ....time to move on put the band-aids on and heal my brother .....a lot of other women out there for you.......you were right you don't ever want to be second best .........it would never work for you that way anyway.

 

here is our song ........you'll cry but you'll heal to .....play it a few times

 

Get better ........may we both find peace soon my hurting friend ......try not to drink to much .....I just went through that for like a few weeks .......and got real sick......I think in a sick was I was trying to drink myself to death over mine .......pretty scary stuff......then you catch yourself if your lucky........get plenty of sleep, read a lot ...stay busy......try and make some new friends........don't call her though and i know you want to ....you really don't want to hear about the other guy.

[Gratsy]

Maybe he got to her faster, you never know. In any case, its too late now. Have you said these things to her? Do you think they'd make a difference?

 

I don't know how to help...I've never had someone leave me for someone else but i've had a broken heart.

[Seraphim]

Actually I think she was pretty respectful in telling you very early that she wants someone else. And mature to say to move on with your life romantically but she wants to be friends. The only part I have trouble with is the friends part cause that usually does not work out. I would agree with the NC, maybe forever.

[princess_summer_blue84]

I'm really sorry that has happened to you. I know it's hard. Just take time for yourself. Only time will heal the pain. Don't call or contact her in any way. Let her come to you. Delete her number if you have to so that way you won't call. Let her be the one to contact you that way it you won't feel as bad. If you know what I mean.

[greensleeves]

Rejection is so hard. ...I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's best to distance yourself from her as much as possible. You're going to have to see her when you go back to school, so realistically, you can't completely ignore her. Just keep any contact very brief and only when necessary, say hello and that's about it. I think her request to be friends probably seems reasonable to her, but it's not fair to you given the way you feel about her, and you definitely don't want to become that guy she has waiting on the sidelines. And don't get into drinking too much...it's only going to make things worse. You may feel that she's the most amazing person you'll ever meet, but just remember there are alot of amazing girls out there and you'll meet someone else who is right for you. Just keep busy and get back out there.

[SincerelyYours]

Gratsy, as much as I want to tell her just about anything, I've want to try to walk away from the situation leaving everyone with their dignity intact. As in, I don't want to "beg" or try to reason with her, because as I know her, she wouldn't have made that kind of decision without really thinking about it, meaning her words were probably meant as final.

 

I agree though, I told her thank you quite a few times for being honest with me, even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I had never been interested in her as just a friend though, which means I don't know how to see her as just a friend. I think it'd cause me a regular amount of pain to see her, and know she was with ... someone else. And kuhl282000, you're right, just thinking about the other guy is possibly the worst about this, knowing she found someone better for her...

 

Delete her number? Going no contact...oh god that's going to hurt. My next "step/goal" is to be able to face her with dignity, and treat her politely, cordially, but nothing more. Is this selfish or immature of me to not want to be friends with her down the road? I mean, I DO want to be friends, but I think that by just being friends, its a win-lose situation. She gets the company of two guys, while I'll get to see, regularly, that she has someone else.

 

But then, she did leave me a bit of hope at the end. She did say that she wasn't sure about the other guy, but she wanted to try (which really stung...), but there's always the chance it doesn't work out for them? (I don't know if I should be wanting to be her Plan B guy so badly...)

 

Thanks so much for the sentiments though.

 

"I'm really sorry that has happened to you. I know it's hard. Just take time for yourself. Only time will heal the pain. Don't call or contact her in any way. Let her come to you. Delete her number if you have to so that way you won't call. Let her be the one to contact you that way it you won't feel as bad. If you know what I mean."

 

Her contacting me...I'm praying for the patience and the time to be able to accept that.

[Mustang]

NC. All the way. The only way you can truly move on is because you want to. You can't move on and still want the person back. It won't work.

 

Trust me, I spent eight months trying to win my ex back/trying to build a friendship and all it did was hurt me more and make her feel better. A few months down the line, I found out that she dumped me for someone else and used my paranoia about that person before the split as a reason. Nice huh?

 

Don't hang around and be prepared to settle. I don't mean to sound harsh but if they've said that they don't want to be with you, then they don't. Hanging round just gives them comfort and sooner or later they'll find someone new. This'll hurt you and then they'll say something really pathetic like: "I thought you were OK with being friends".

 

It will hurt to completely walk away but please please please trust me when I tell you that it really is the best way.

 

It is not easy but I wouldn't encourage anybody to put themselves through what I did with my ex. Well, unless my ex gets dumped of course.

[Gratsy]

There is no quick solution I know of. Only a long arduous process that starts with NC and continues with NC and ends better than torturing yourself continuelly over someone who is now gone.