Break-Up or Stay ?

[kool_kid_86]

I don’t know what to do. I have a girlfriend and I am thinking if we should separate or continue our relationship. Our relationship of 1.5 years has been an extremely rocky one – especially with my history…

 

About 6 years ago I was going out with this girl (lets call her Amy). We were dating fine for about 4 years until I met my current girl (lets call her Jen). Jen and I first started out as friends, then our attraction for each other grew stronger. Before I knew it, I was cheating on Amy with Jen. Long story short, Amy was extremely sad and disappointed but she still wanted to stay with me and she wouldn’t mind sharing me with Amy. She knew I wasn’t at peace with myself as I hurt Amy so very much, so she vowed to leave me alone to make our separation easier.

 

A couple months into Jen and my relationship, I started to feel guilty about leaving Amy. I keep on having dreams about seeing Amy. I guess I miss Amy very much as she is my first girlfriend and my high school sweet heart. Jen and I have separated a few times before, just for a few hours, because I was feeling guilty. Just last week, I couldn’t take my guilty feelings any more and to let Jen down easy, I told her that we should take a two week break. Jen wasn’t happy but she understood I need some time alone.

 

Jen has been extremely loving and caring. If it wasn’t for my memories with Amy, I would have thought that Jen is perfect for me. There were a lot of things I strongly disliked about Amy when we started dating such as smoking, drinking, flirting with random guys, wearing extremely tight clothing... She has stopped all of that. She has never given up on me, and I doubt that she will never give up on me. I care a lot about Jen too, but I cannot ignore the fact that Amy was there first.

 

To me, sometimes I feel like the relationship between Jen and I is only temporary until something comes around to separate us. I figured the time is now. I feel that I should only be with Amy – no one else. And if Amy and I cannot be together, then I would not be with anyone. I guess somewhere during Jen and my relationship, I somehow think that this is sort of my punishment to remember how I cheated on Amy.

 

A long time ago, at the start of Jen and my relationship, I promised myself that I will try my best to not hurt Jen. I guess over time, this promise has lost its strength as I find myself caring less and less for Jen (however I think I still love her). I know that breaking up with her hurts her a lot, but I think it is better to break up young then if we have been together for ten years.

 

Anyways, long question short, should I leave Jen for good? I have only told Jen that I needed some time alone to get know myself better and that I think this relationship is not for me. I have not told Jen about the fact that I am feeling guilty as I think it will only increase her pain.

[ghost69]

do what your heart wants wihtin reason. what does your gut say?

[jess-877]

Is there a way you could resolve your guilt, maybe by talking things out with/apologizing to Amy and vowing to learn from your mistake and not repeat it in future relationships? If you feel as though your relationship with Jenn has been tainted by your guilt maybe you need to break up with her, resolve your guilt (however you feel you can do so) if possible, and then see what you feel for her in an unclouded state of mind. If your guilt is holding you back from having the best possible relationship with Jenn that you can have, maybe it is time to end things... . If you can't give the relationship 100%, it won't stand much of chance... Good luck

[xXPusHedAsiDeXx]

If you were to stay in this relationship, you would only be setting both you and Jen up for more and more hurt in the long run. Everyday Amy will still be on the back of your mind, constantly reminding you of the guilt you feel for letting go such a perfect girl.

 

In turn, you aren't being fair to Jen, she deserves equally the amount of love and care she puts in; your blatantly can't do that because you still think and feel for Amy, do what your heart AND head tells you to do. It will all work out for the best.

[_Asti_]

Its clear your heart and mind is else where. It certainly isn't fair to Jen to keep this up when you're not into it, and only view this as temporary, and that you made a mistake, are guilty, etc.

 

If you aren't going to be happy with Jen, and you only see yourself with Amy. I think its most defenitely time to break up. If you've been together 1.5 years, and you still feel this way, I highly doubt its going to change. There's no point dragging something on when your heart isn't into it.

[kool_kid_86]

Thank you for your advices

 

Over the past day, I've been bouncing back and forth between leaving Jen for good, or staying with her.

 

At times, I sometimes feel like Jen and I can work if I just understand that I cannot do anything for my past. I figured that this conflict is one of those 'strong-minded problems' - if I can power on through, the reward will be beyond imagination. I also sometimes feel sorry for Jen as I know she has invested all her energy into our relationship and has nothing to show for it. I just feel so bad in leaving Jen when she loves me the most.

 

However, at other times, I feel like it is better to be alone. As you guys have mentioned earlier, it is not fair to Jen to stay together if I do not believe in us. Everywhere I look I see memories of Amy and I. I realized last night that one of my fears, although awkward, is having partial memories of Amy. I'd rather remember all or nothing, not partial. Although this is mean to say, I have a strong feeling that is my inner guardian telling me that I can move around from girl-to-girl as long as I totally forget my previous partners.

 

All in all, at the moment, I am leaning towards leaving Jen for good. Even ignoring what my inner guardian is saying, I feel like this is for the better. I do not believe in us, and it is unfair for Jen to put her love, time, and care into me when I have nothing to return. I guess it is better not to start anything if you can't go all the way.