My wife doesn't find me attractive. Can this be fixed?

[Pegasus]

Can I be really honest?

 

I am overweight but I carry it pretty well I am told.

 

I make a very good living and I treat my wife like a princess not because she demands it, but because I want to. She is fine driving a VW or a Mercedes and although we live in a beautiful waterfront home, she would be happy in somethings less spectacular.

She has always had a lower sex drive and has indicated that she may not have been attracted to me sexually for most or all of our marriage.

 

She is 37 also. Very fit.

 

Oh man, reading those lines made me think just one thing - gold digger. As you've said - she was never sexually attracted to you but seems she loves to have a lot of money and possibilities in her hands which you obviously throw at her. I would bet that she does not work, either.

 

What do you do? You take your ass to the gym and start loosing weight (don't ever believe that you're "carrying your wight good" because that is just a compliment you will give to a fat person if you want to make them feel better). It's just bogus. Fat is fat. When you loose that weight, find a lover outside marriage if that is morally ok with you or divorce your wife and find someone that would love you because who and what you are, not in the terms how much money you have.

 

Disclamer: I've never got to know you or your wife so what I wrote is based ONLY on your posts. Please be aware that there is always yours side of story, her side and - the truth

[egwaterboy]

Thanks everyone...nothing like the internet for varied advice!

[lady00]

Based on the quotes that Pegasus has pulled out here--this sounds accurate to me. I will admit I did not read every single post in this thread but if she says she was possibly never attracted to you sexually, and that this is a problem for her in the marriage...and based on all of thing things you do for her...it really sounds like she has other motives for being there.

 

I realize that not everyone feels the need to be wildly sexually attracted to the person they commit to--but those people also do not turn around and complain about it later while soaking up all of the care/affection/attention/love that their partner has to offer them. Those people stick around and fall in love for other reasons (after all, off the wall crazy sexual attraction is not really necessary for this--for most people, there has to be some of this--but for some, they have different priorities and are happy and fulfilled without a lot of that).

[egwaterboy]

I'm pretty sure my wife can't be classified as a gold digger considering we were in college and I was dirt poor when we were married. We are compatible in almost every category but sex.

 

As for the question from 2600degrees...I don't know that I totally understand the question. I would guess that if this is something she decides she isn't willing to work on long term, then the marriage will end. Right now she is trying very hard but it has been for days and I need the effort to last longer than that.

 

The thing is...if she doesn't even masturbate then I hate to end a marriage just because of sex when it is possible that drugs or therapy could fix it at some point.

[redhearts]

Shes loves the lifestyle you gave her, but she doesn't love you. Shes playing along for the ride and the incentives that you are giving her. WHAT BS.

 

Theres testostrone injections or what not for females to up their sex drive. If shes on birth control tell her to stop taking that it really kills your sex drive A LOT! As the joke goes, "birth control makes you not want to have sex, thereforee you won't get prego."

[redhearts]

I wonder what would happen if you stopped sending her to spas, stopped with all the vacations, of course she react, but how much?

[GinnyMarie]

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are experiencing this... I am actually in your wife's position right now, but my hormones weren't even on the low end. I just wanted to say that as hard as this is on you it is very hard on her too... I know when I first realized I wasn't attracted to my hubby I stopped allowing myself to be attracted to other people at all... I just shut that part of me off... so she could very honestly be suppressing that side of her .. she can honestly say that she is not attracted to other people, but that doesn't mean she couldn't be if she really considered it.... but really, do you honestly want to agree to both of you being unhappy for the rest of your marriage? I know personally that idea makes me sick to my stomach... but i can't solve it in my marriage either....

[positive1]

A low sexual libido can upset marriages. Rather than putting her under pressure to have sex. try not to. the reverse psychology will show her that you have compassion. Tell her you understand and that you wont put her under any pressure. Then let her come to you. I have been through a similar situation and I know how frustrating it is. My wife is 20 years younger than me and extremely fit. We have been together for 9 years now and things can get stale. People have to work at relationships none of it comes naturally to any of us.

[Pegasus]

I'm pretty sure my wife can't be classified as a gold digger considering we were in college and I was dirt poor when we were married. We are compatible in almost every category but sex.

 

It's not about why she entered the marriage in this case, but why does she stays....If you cut down the benefits, what will happen? Will she still stay?

[Hellzapoppin]

Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see that you two have a huge problem here.

I mean, it sounds like you love each other - neither one of you wants someone else.

Even though she claims she's "not attracted" to you, she's not withholding sex.

 

Where is all this coming from?

 

" To be honest I would prefer other forms of sexual gratification than intercourse if she is just doing it for me. For some reason I feel like if we are having sex then it should be because we both want to, but if she is just taking care of my other ways that is fine. "

 

If she doesn't want to have IC, would she do OS? Sounds like the two of you have no problems in that dept.

[Wrams]

Hi there,

 

I've been looking online at marriage problems and came accross this thread, I just had to register so I could hopefully help in anyway possible.

 

Your marriage apart from sex is just how you want it to be, your only problem is sex. My advise is try being sensual, arrange a date, go out for a candle lit dinner somewhere nice then when you come home try giving a sensual massage using oils, have fragranced candles burning whilst your wife freshens up, throw rose pettles on your bedroom floor and bed, make her feel relaxed because 9 x out of 10 women hold onto stress and a major factor with any sexual problems in a marriage are down to a lot of small unsignificant things that are happening in her life that build up to one big siginificant problem.

 

Have you tried going to the doctors about your wifes low sex drive...? They can either point you towards a sex therapist or prescribe some sort of testosterone based substance. There are remedies and other avenues you can follow but I would not give up without a fight.

 

I think that alot of us men forget that women are made up of more complex hormones than men are and have issues like "menopause" and "that time of the month" which are all problematic to any sexual relationship.

 

I found this online but it is a UK website so you would have to look for a US based site if your in the US that is

 

 

 

GP = General Practitioner = Doctor

 

Reason I have put the interpretation is because I don't know if thats what they call them in the US

[Wrams]

Ooops I just noticed that this thread is over 2 years old Doh!

[Bluskyflier]

Hello Egwaterboy, I am curious. In 3 months your post will be 3 years old, did you figure it out? are you both still together? did your third childs birth help or hurt your own personal issue? If you are still in the same situation, I can help. Let us know.

[gladman]

I know this thread is now 3 years old, but I had to jump in and say I have a very similar situation, but it was brought on by my wife falling in love with a co-worker.

I am 32 years old, she is 29. We have been together for 7 years, and just got married last october.

Then in December a co-worker/classmate she had been commuting to school with started to look attractive to her.

He was someone I knew and spent time with, he is also married.

Their friendship grew to infatuation and then sexual messages, long conversations about life, and eventually something physical.

I happened to find out about it by accidentally reading a text message of hers from him the night it happened.

 

I confronted her, we cried, we talked, we had sex, etc.

We knew we had issues with sex, but it just came out that she says she never has had that physical attraction to me, even when we started dating.

She fell in love with me and had loving sex with me, but none of that "i want him" feeling. And she has those feelings and more for this other guy.

Much like the original poster, she loves everything about me, she thinks I am a wonderful person, I just don't have that "thing" that she wants.

 

I think it seems like its the end, as horribly painful as that sounds, I don't know how she could make it appear especially after all this.

 

I was hoping to find a story of someone who had this situation and talked about how she learned to be sexually attracted to him, but I think thats unlikely.

 

Looks like I may be lucky because we don't have kids, and 7 years is not a lifetime, but I just don't know how to cope.

 

As crazy as it sounds this is my second long term relationship, the first one was my high school sweetheart, and she did the same thing to me after 5 years.

 

I feel so doomed.