Yet another commitment issue .. I think?

[nuance]

Hi All, I'm glad I've stumbled on to this place, and hope someone could shed a little light on my sorrow.

 

I've been with my bf for just a little over 5 years. In the past two months, old issues regarding jealousy, trust, exclusivity, levels of seriousness, have cropped up here and there again - since the last time we have gone through that kind of confusion about two years ago (on and off).

 

Our relationship has been somewhat rocky mid-term, but for the most part when its just us two together we feel amazing, comfortable, vulnerable, open, and just intimately real. The major issue that I am having a difficult time with is when it comes to his/my friends/family, or even just in public HE DOESN'T ACT OUT LIKE A BOYFRIEND. Some of his friends know me, we have a couple mutual friends but the reason why things have been rocky is because I don't feel like I'm really special to him, almost like he's not proud to be in a serious relationship. Or at least serious is what I thought and felt!

 

In the past week, I've confronted him with my insecurities and have layed my feelings on the line on how I feel mistreated (even some of it due to nonsense on facebook-which is definitely petty i know!) and really questioned his motives on why am I not seen as his #1 girl!?

 

Rewind to about a few months ago where we had the same conversation, and he confessed to me that he was just not ready for a serious relationship with anyone for that matter - yet he says he loves me and seems like he doesn't want to lose me. I vaguely remember hearing something close to that as well mid-point in the relationship.

 

I've had multiple self-realization moments that I am in denial, yet I stood patient and told myself:

"I really love being with this man..god I wish he would take me out and present me as the girl he loves..I want to be there for him and support him..I want to respect the fact that he may not be ready.."

 

because I felt like I wanted to show him how serious I was, and that maybe by staying patient and giving him space, the change would somehow start to manifest- even in small simple ways. But I guess what I really wanted was for him to be out with it in the world that I am special to him, and I wasnt even thinking marriage.

 

Now that I find myself insecure and jealous about whether his semi-new friends may be influencing him into a bachelor lifestyle for the time being, or throwing other girls at him (even though he's actually really not the player type)..I admit I am pretty jealous with him even talking to them if I don't know who they are. And these negative feelings have caused our latest blowout of emotions with me bawling at the other end of the line, and him telling me what's best for our relationship is if we take a "pause" for the both of us for a 'week', then talk about it from there.

 

Trust me, we've been through ups and downs but I love him soo honestly (even without the lovey dovey crap, cause at times i'm not that girl, I'm just asking for a little special attention). I know this guy inside-out, vice versa. Now I'm just sad his need to be alone to try not to think about 'serious relationships' with anyone is more emphasized and in my face. I'm taking the "pause" for myself too, but all this thinking just isn't helping. He says he loves me, and seems scared to lose communication with me.

 

But what's going to happen after the pause? Am I just setting myself up for disappointment if I wait any longer, or is he trying to segway into a breakUP

 

Please someone help me.

 

edit: This is my first long-term relationship. I've mentioned him breaking my heart, without a doubt it has been broken. But he also seems to use that as an excuse that my strong feelings are simply because he was my first love and that maybe i need to experience what everyone else has.

 

To me, its bullsh** because I regard myself as someone who knows exactly what they want. Yes my heart may be breaking, but I've matured fast enough (shy of mid-20s) in this relationship/personal life to have the strength to work things out.

 

Forgive me, I know I may not be making sense.

[Hollyj]

I don't understand? You've been together five-years and you're not in an exclusive relationship? Have you met his family?

[nuance]

I know it sounds very bogus and unconventional. But thats the way it is.

We were young, since I was in highschool and he was older, and once the relationship got into about a year we decided to take things slow and just enjoy each other. He is a great guy and is a quiet thinker (and he's blown me away by how much he's opened up which is totally unlike his character), but hesitant when it comes to going that next level.

[nuance]

ps. I've met some of his family since he's not from North America. and I guess I would have considered our relationship as somewhat clandestine - which I found extremely exciting and attractive, but may have been my first mistake since I find myself wanting to be more conventional.

[Hollyj]

ps. I've met some of his family since he's not from North America. and I guess I would have considered our relationship as somewhat clandestine - which I found extremely exciting and attractive, but may have been my first mistake since I find myself wanting to be more conventional.

 

It's not good to be kept on the periphery of a relationship. What do you mean he hasn't taken it to the next level? Are you speaking of marriage or simply being a part of his life?

[nuance]

It sounds odd, but yes just being part of his life in more aspects than just spending time together. And also to establish that security of knowing our relationship is on the path to growth.