How must I seem to others?

[Dagless]

People must think that you can go from not being ok to being ok. People must think that I am the same person that I was before Lisa's death and that I can just carry on as before. I don't blame them, I mean I look the same I sound the same but underneath I have altered.

 

It's not a case of simply being ok. It's not like being ill and then you are better. It's like something inside you dies and then something else inside you has to grow.

 

I wonder if people around me know how bad I was, how crazy things got sometimes. To people around me I must just seem ok but I am not. I can tell you that I am feeling better that I have done in a long time but I am still growing.

[BellaDonna]

It's not a case of simply being ok. It's not like being ill and then you are better. It's like something inside you dies and then something else inside you has to grow.

 

 

That is probably the best summary I have EVER seen about what happens when a dear loved one passes away. You really hit the nail on the head.

 

My aunt is going through a similar grieving process after losing my uncle in a tragic accident last year. Some days she can smile, some days she cries. She has definitely changed since his death. She is the "same person" but she faces different challenges- challenges that she was not prepared for. Somehow she makes it. I admire her.

 

Like her, you seem incredibly strong. You are coping the best you can.

[ImThatGirl]

People must think that you can go from not being ok to being ok. People must think that I am the same person that I was before Lisa's death and that I can just carry on as before. I don't blame them, I mean I look the same I sound the same but underneath I have altered.

 

It's not a case of simply being ok. It's not like being ill and then you are better. It's like something inside you dies and then something else inside you has to grow.

 

I wonder if people around me know how bad I was, how crazy things got sometimes. To people around me I must just seem ok but I am not. I can tell you that I am feeling better that I have done in a long time but I am still growing.

 

 

Unless the people around you have been through losing someone, I doubt that they can understand 100%. I think they realize that you are not just going back to being the same person, that you are coping, recovering from losing her, that a piece of you will always be with her. At the same time, they are probably hoping that you will feel better and are happy that it seems you are coping well... that you are able to feel more than sadness again.

 

I honestly believe that most people would know that no matter what, when someone loses a loved one, a piece of them will always be with that person and that persons life will forever be changed...

[Dagless]

It's been my first day back from work after a week off. It's the first week off since March and the reason I've gone so long without a break is because it's hard when you haven't got the distraction of work and the last two weeks I had off I got really bad. One of the weeks had my Birthday right in the middle of it and that was very difficult.

 

This time I felt ok, I had one night with a few tears but I figured out what that was about. Letting go of the future is more difficult than the past, at least for me.

 

I think what I'm trying to say is that I think some people expect me to be doing curtain things and that for me it's enough to be thinking about them. To them a week of doing nothing in particular is a waste but to me it's a week where I didn't break down, a week where felt ok is a massive step.

[tiredofvampires]

I agree with ITG that by and large, people who haven't lost someone close as you have, probably don't quite know what it is you've gone through. It's such an intensely personal transition, and the moods you've gone through, the ups and downs, the qualities of feelings, are on a level that most people don't comprehend until it happens to them. And yes, it is understandable in a way -- because even sympathetic people don't have a felt reality to gauge by, an experiential equivalent, to know how it plays out on the ground. However, many people have experiences of grief of different kinds (myself included) that bring such a close approximation that it's possible to have a very good idea of what it must be like. I do a lot of soul-searching myself in this forum, given many severe and lasting losses I've had in my life, and so I feel very close to the losses of those of you who have lost the closest of loves. I suspect there are others in the woodwork that may understand in a similar way, but it's hard if you are not on a personal level of having heart-to-hearts with them, to know that they may see a little of themselves in you. Or a lot, if you were to expose more of your emotions to them.

 

A lot of this I think comes with age as well -- the longer you live, the more losses you are likely to experience. So many people in your age bracket have not yet had to deal with something so tragic and close to the bone. Maybe an aquaintance has died and they've gone through pangs over that, but not the kind that turn their worlds upside down and their past and future inside-out. By the time people get into their middle ages and beyond though, it's inescapable -- parents die, sibling die, best friends die, spouses or partners die. So it IS something all of us will encounter, if not in the 20's when you think all of life is still left to be lived with a person.

 

What this means is that you've been advanced through all the remedial courses in life right up to the upper level, hardest courses in life in an instant.

 

And I think Bella is right when she says you've distilled the realization so perfectly. I've told someone else here that everyone says "a part of her is still with you, you take as part of her wherever you go" and that is true. That's the common wisdom of those who know. I said though, it goes both ways -- she took a part of you with her. That's why it hurts so much. You have to keep on living when a part of you has died, it died when she did. You've exchanged parts of eachother and nothing will ever change that. But in the process, you must create -- grow, as you say -- something new where that part of you existed. It was you+her. What that becomes, which parts remain a part of you and which ones reorganize into a new form is something no one can see from the outside or feel but you.

 

It's so private, so personal, that even if someone were to have the gist of your inner life, this would still be only your experience.

 

I think the hardest things in life are also the ones that we wish others could crawl into our very souls with us to feel, so that we would be understood completely. To be seen completely. But life gives others only an approximation. How much of a struggle it is, I can only imagine, to know that the very person you wish to crawl into your soul to know is the one that you are missing so much in the world out here.

 

As for others...do you want them to know more? Do you feel frustrated that they don't? I detect a searching quality in your post, where you feel some disconnect. And that is totally understandable.

 

It's so hard to be living a life that people just don't "get" really. I live that every day, for other reasons, and sometimes you really feel set apart from your peers. It's hard.

[Dagless]

As for others...do you want them to know more? Do you feel frustrated that they don't? I detect a searching quality in your post, where you feel some disconnect. And that is totally understandable.

 

I think I do, it's just all kind weird. I guess I should really talk to somebody at work about it. To them I seem ok now but I really need to let somebody know where I'm standing from a mental point of view because I talk about all kind of other stuff but it's not really about where I'm at.

[tiredofvampires]

Then I think that sounds like a really good idea. It's so hard to keep pretending around people, and sometimes it feels like you are trying to adjust to THEIR tempo and their mindset rather than vice versa. The person who is grieving has to keep up with others and others rarely slow down for the one grieving, it's not a fair scale to be sure. And many assumptions can be made about you that are not in sync with how things are, which I think can create more of a feeling of being isolated even when you are around them.

 

I think you should do this, Dags. I am sort of the person to want to help people open their eyes...not in a confrontational way of course (which I know you wouldn't) but in a self-aware and assertive way. People should be given the chance to step outside their usual box to understand things better. So yeah, I'm behind your doing this, and remember, it's mostly to get this weight off your shoulders, even if their understanding may be incomplete when you express it. At least they will be aware of something that right now is going over their heads and you will feel seen and heard. Most importantly, you'll feel that you've made your feelings and where you at IMPORTANT.

[Dagless]

I wouldn't so much as call it pretending but I have been very composed at work and I think that comes down to me doing a lot of my grieving in private and this place is very much my outlet in that sense. And because of that I think that now I can finally relax (without crying) I can kinda see that people thing I'm in a place which would be quite imposible for me to be.

 

But really I don't want them to think that I am doing curtain things because because of any other reason than it is where I am at the moment. Maybe it will put their minds at rest a little too, as well as my own.

[tiredofvampires]

Your being composed at work is just another sign of how capable you are. It's all very much to your credit.

 

But it may be time to allow them a glimpse of what they are overlooking. They shouldn't be thinking that a week off to breathe and regroup, or have some needed down-time is you twiddling your thumbs. I think they need to be made aware of the fact that below the surface of your composure, a lot of things are being worked through, and behind the scenes, you need to be replenishing your strength.

 

I don't know how easily you feel you can express yourself with them, how approachable they are, or how honestly you can speak to them without them feeling alienated because of the "professional" front that exists in some work places...but I think you owe it to yourself to say what you've said in this thread, particularly the OP. I think it's just fine to get out there and say, "I may look ok, but things are not as they were for me before this happened. My life has changed, I have changed and every day I deal with this transition. It's not like I've just returned to being me. Life is different now, I'm different."

 

Or whatever you are roused to say, as I know you will say the right thing. But I don't think it's wrong to go out on a limb and say, part of you has died and is still dealing with that. That's the truth and people should be able to handle that. If a co-worker said that to me, I'd be extremely touched and open to them. And I'd wake up.

[Dagless]

Thank you TOV, I'm lucky that some of the people who I work with are very approachable. Two of them in particular were so great when it all happened and I went back to work and when I had all the selfish acts to deal with in those first weeks. My boss is great and I use to talk about Lisa and some of the troubles we were having during our relationship so she feels like that she knew her even though they had never met.

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, well that's very fortunate then. I'm glad to hear that! Let us know how it goes...

[raining.stars]

People must think that you can go from not being ok to being ok. People must think that I am the same person that I was before Lisa's death and that I can just carry on as before. I don't blame them, I mean I look the same I sound the same but underneath I have altered.

 

It's not a case of simply being ok. It's not like being ill and then you are better. It's like something inside you dies and then something else inside you has to grow.

 

I wonder if people around me know how bad I was, how crazy things got sometimes. To people around me I must just seem ok but I am not. I can tell you that I am feeling better that I have done in a long time but I am still growing.

 

Hi Dagless,

I am pretty much feeling the same way. I like reading your posts because sometimes I can't put what im feeling into words and then i read yours and think, yes im feeling something similar too and that others have similar battles. I have also changed a lot too and I think others can't see that and I also grieve a lot in private too, I guess I can't put it out there for everyone to see, it would be too emotionally draining for me.

I guess the ways I have changed is that I have become a more spiritual person, and that i dont have the answers to everything, life is a mystery and no matter how hard you want it a certain way destiny has its own agenda, so i guess i have become more accepting too. But i guess these feelings are just for right now, sometimes I get dark and emotional and feel like Im back to when it all first happened.

It is good you can realise how far you have come and the growth you have gone through.

[Dagless]

It's great to know that what I have written can make someone else make some sense out of what they are going through. I post for a whole bunch of reasons, sometimes just to get it out and other times to try and make some sense out of stuff in my head. The support of others here is great, I don't know what I would have done without it and to be honest I dread to think.

It's ok to get dark and emotional, I tend to think it comes from you looking at what happened in a different way. Kind of like looking at a shape with many sides. You think that you have seen it all and then your mind says "How about this side of it?" and you look and a new flood of emotions hit you and it feels like it did back then. I think some people get stuck when they refuse to look at it, pretent that it is not there but your mind wants you to look at it. Look at it until there is no more to see.

[Dagless]

I wanted to say something at work today but it's so hard to talk about this stuff. It's like when do I slip it in, between the chats about garden fences and dodgy runner rail welding?

 

Edit: I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm chickening out but feel free to pull me up on it:

 

Work is work. They are good people and I think it's important that they see that I'm doing ok but I'm going through this in my own way and it doesn't really matter how curtain thing look to them because it's how it looks to me and I know what's right for me.

It's my life and I have to start again but not until I'm ready.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think it's "chickening out" at all if you decide not to talk to them after all about this. I think your reasons for telling them make as much sense as your reasons for not telling them, and either one is the right thing to do, depending on how you look at it.

 

It's all about what you feel you'd like to achieve by talking to them and what you need. In other words, identify what this is about for you -- is it about having a little more sympathy just so that you feel others whom you see every day, and interact with you, are more attuned to you? Is it so that they won't be as cavalier about the things they say? Or do they put work pressures on you that are causing you stress that's compounding the stress you are under in private? Do you need them to be more understanding because of something that's happening in the work environment that you can't afford right now?

 

If it's just a change in perception, I think that's a good enough reason to tell them...however, I also see what you mean about where the hell do you fit in something like that. It even reminds me of a George Carlin routine, in his last one even, before passing away. I'll have to find that clip and show it to you...if I can...but yeah, it's not an easy thing to talk about, and even harder when people are wrapped up in their usual banter, isn't it? If that's what's stopping you though, it shouldn't, because there ARE ways to broach it, and I'd help you brainstorm if that was the issue. I don't think you shouldn't do it because you feel there's no right time.

 

However, if you have come to feel that you really don't need to employ their moral support on this matter because it wouldn't really serve you in any way, I can see that that would be completely okay, too. It's just what you feel would serve your highest good.

[tiredofvampires]

Okay, here it is....

 

Haha...your comment about the need to interject something of any depth between chats about "garden fences and dodgy runner rail welding" inspired me to take a chance and post this, just for comic relief. Somehow it relates, and I would've PM'd it to you for the laugh, except that I feel this is something, frustration-wise, everyone who is grieving (on this forum) would be able to relate to!!!! Of course...it's Carlin. So I hope this doesn't get pounced on by any mods (*TOV says little prayer!*) Certainly worth a shot! It makes me smile and nod...

[Dagless]

The thing is a few months ago I said a few things that where born out of fear more than anything and it may have appeared that I was feeling better than I was. It was my own damn fault for talking about it and I think that they were so happy to take it as a good sign but the truth was it was something I wasn't ready for.

 

I know that I'm going along ok and as long as I keep that in mind I should be ok.

 

One other thing though is that if I'm not all singing and dancing one person there seem to think that they need to cheer me up which is nice in a way be really sometimes you do kind of need a to have your quiet moments.

[Dagless]

Just watched that and all I can say is that it's funny because it's true. It really does amaze me how some people can talk and not have a point, I mean it makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

[tiredofvampires]

Well, on the up side of this, it does seem as though they are trying to gauge where you're at...trying to feel out what you're feeling. And just aren't quite in sync with the signals.

 

My feeling about this is that if it were me, I wouldn't try to "make" a conversation happen at this time, but have it in the back of your mind for how a more personal chat could be steered this way, when you think an opportunity might be coming along. So, really, to be very organic about it, to perhaps see when there might be a natural segue into how you are feeling. At a time when people (or that person) seems to be receptive to your mood, and there is some dialogue that would make it opportune. I think there's a way you might talk about it, when a right time comes without it seeming glaring...I think it's perfectly appropriate to say "I sometimes just need quiet moments" when things are feeling boisterous and hectic, without making anyone feel wrong.

 

On the other hand, I think your attitude about knowing what you know, and not needing anyone else to legitimize it is really ultimately where it's at. And I think that you absolutely can't go wrong with this, whether or not you find the right "in" to mention anything. Because it's true: your awareness is the only thing that really matters in the end. Your emotional independence is a very healthy state of mind.

[Dagless]

The thing with today is that I really did want to say something but I do find it uncomfortable to talk about. Not from a me talking about it point of view because I'm fine with that but from a bringing it up and maybe people don't want to hear it point of view. And then I kind of thought way are you trying to push this, what are you trying to prove?

 

And this is it I had a week of and I just chilled all week and I think that they think I'm at home being sad and depressed when really I should be going out or something. That's why I said that it doesn't matter how it looks to them it's how it looks to me. For me it was important for me to have a week off where I didn't break down and I did that. For me that's a big step.

[stella74]

Yes, exactly. It's a big step! And it doesn't matter who else knows it. You know it. And we know it.

 

I agree with TOV that it's best not to force any conversation and to open up organically as it feels right and as the opportunity presents itself.

 

Take it slow. You can gauge how much you can open up to certain people by noticing their reactions. It may be too intense or painful for some people to talk about, if for example, they've never dealt with that sort of loss or if they're currently grieving. But there are others who will be more available for you and able to listen and be supportive.

[tiredofvampires]

Well said, Stella. There's little I can add to that at the moment, that sums up how I feel about it. About people's receptivity in particular.

 

I understand your feelings though...as someone who has often felt that I was having to toe some kind of line to appear to be in lock-step with others (when in fact, I've always been dancing to the beat of my own drummer...often a beat that lots of people would just as well not have a part of), wanting to be seen and heard for who I am has been a big life issue for me. But there truly is NOTHING to prove -- this is what you in your heart are in touch with, what you know you need right now and what you know you are not ready for.

 

I know that when you feel READY, you'll go out and venture a bit into merrymaking, but it IS a HUGE step to be in your own space, the one you've been inhabiting for the better part of year and feel solid and grounded there. It's kind of like building house from the bottom up. You can't build the ceiling before you have a foundation to stand on. And you are putting that down! Congratulations on a week VERY WISELY SPENT!!