Losing Control

[ShootTheMoon]

](*,)I dont know where to go with this... Ive been self harming in episodes for 10 years now. I told my therapist for the first time last week about it. But I assured her with much bravado that it was all behind me, it wasnt what I want for my life. And yet last nite I found myself there again.

 

I feel like everything is spiralling out of control in my head. I cant stop thinking about it. Longing for the next chance to cut. And when I say self harm, I mean all manner of things that cause harm, I thought I could control the cutting, but every time it gets worse than the last. I wanted to start smoking again today, having quit for a year and a half. I go to the gym and nearly kill myself with cardio - see how much I can punish myself. And I look for sexual relationships which will hurt and degrade me.

 

Im a person who likes reason, rational explanation. But I cant find any basis for these feelings. I am attractive, intelligent, with a good career, going places. I have a family and friends whom I know genuinely love me. I am happy...Yet I feel so much pain that I am seriously thinking of ending it all. Im obsessing with death, thinking about it all day. Im so committed to my therapy, but I just dont know how much more of this I can take. Just dont understand...

[greywolf]

It sounds like you need to learn to love yourself. Like you said, you are attractive, intelligent, etc... Love yourself for that. Understand how much you are worth.

[ShootTheMoon]

Thanks Greywolf,

 

Very perceptive, thats what my therapist keeps saying to me

 

Guess I need to listen more. Anyway, Im still here - one day at a time.

[girl friend]

How long was the gap between your last self-harm episode and last night? See it sounds to me like youre constantly stopping self-injury!! no mean feat, well done, but for the wrong reasons. I mean, it sounds to me like your physically stopping the behaviour, but not stopping the emotions behind it. Stick with the therapy, it can address that. Once those feelings are let out, the past dealt with and buried, you can move on into happy futurehood. I know it sounds so easy and simple put like that, but only you know just how hard this battle of yours is going to be. ITs an immense, personal, and often v lonely battle. but you can come out on top. don't worry about last night, dont worry about the slip ups. they happen to the best of us. they are not important. what is really important here is how you pick yourself up and move on from this.

 

good luck

you can do it.

girl friend

[ChelseaFCguy]

alright im just 12 so ur probably not going to listen 2 me but i find that if youve won something then u lose it it can just crack u up.

 

like with me im the best at table tennis in my year at school and i get all the praise and glory but when i come home and play my dad i can lose and it drives me up the wall i go 2 my room and start hitting my self and calling myself an idiot. i dont want 2 hit my dad though if u got any advice on how 2 stop it when ur young i would b grateful

 

it may were off when im older maybe but it would b good 2 get out of it now

 

mat

[girl friend]

alright im just 12 so ur probably not going to listen 2 me but i find that if youve won something then u lose it it can just crack u up.

 

like with me im the best at table tennis in my year at school and i get all the praise and glory but when i come home and play my dad i can lose and it drives me up the wall i go 2 my room and start hitting my self and calling myself an idiot. i dont want 2 hit my dad though if u got any advice on how 2 stop it when ur young i would b grateful

 

it may were off when im older maybe but it would b good 2 get out of it now

 

mat

 

Hi Matt,

well done for posting about it, i'm not going to patronise you and treat you like a child, you're one of us now.

 

Do you keep a journal/diary? that can help, so if you get mad you could try to identify the feelings and emotions that are making you mad. and write them in your journal. this is letting it out in a different way. its v hard to identify these feelings..;pain? anger? disappointment? failure? loss? disgust? hate?

 

then i want you to take each one and tell yourself that it is ok to feel like that. Then i want you to try to make yourself think positive, and to write those down too. so, for instance, ''i can beat him next time,'' ''i'm still the best at school'' ''he's got 30years on me!", "i lost very very well!" etc etc.

 

Ok

girl friend