She left me and I think she is on self-destruct

[Chris77]

Where to begin?

 

We'd been together for 2 1/2 years and lived together for 1 1/2 years when I left for school in September. Leaving and being 3000 km away was hard, but we talked every day. I had an epiphany---I realized that she is the girl for me, that I want to marry her, I want her to have my children. These emothions were insane and terrifying and incredible to me; I've never felt like this about anybody before.

 

It was hard, though, because when we talked she sounded so depressed and there was nothing that I could do. She suffers from depression. She treats it with medication, but sometimes she'll go months where it takes all of her will power to get out of bed. I don't care though, I love her unconditionally, I want to be there for her no matter what.

 

In October she broke up with me. She said that she didn't love me the way that I love her, and that she wants to be single again. I think that I went insane. I wept. I was drunk for about four weeks straight. I called her and begged for her back. She responded that maybe in the future we could get back together, then she hinted that she was seeing other guys and that she was having a good time without me. Damning words. I called her best friend to find out what was going on, and she told me that my all my ex was was doing was drinking, doing drugs and doing other "dumb stuff" (you can read between the lines....). Her friend said that they were losing touch and that my ex seemed to have surrounded herself with a new group of friends.

 

And now I'm home again for the holidays.

 

Yesterday I went back to our old apartment to get my stuff, I couldn't believe the amount of alchohol she had in her kitchen. She also had about a half ounce of grass sitting in her freezer. She said that she is quitting her job and leaving, going to Mexico to surf with some guy she recently met (her new best friend, she says) , then going out west to be with an old flame who she has always described as a soul mate.

 

And then came the final blow. She told me that she thinks that I was the source of her depression and she feels better now that our relationship is over. Those words devestated me.

 

God I love her, and I am trying desperately to let her go, to not care and to get on with my own life. But I can't stop thinking about her, worrying about her. I am angry and jealous and hurt..... And I don't know what to do. I want her to be okay, to find happiness without ruining her life and alienating those that love her.

 

Do I keep in touch with her? Be her friend regardless of the emotional cost to myself? Or do I just go back to school and cut off communication?

 

Any advice you guys might have would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Chris

[avman]

Hello Chris77 and welcome to eNotalone,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your break up. One thing about your post really stood out to me and I'd like to start there.

 

And then came the final blow. She told me that she thinks that I was the source of her depression and she feels better now that our relationship is over. Those words devestated me.

These words must have hurt you very deeply. I have heard these words myself. You see, my spouse suffers from chronic depression. And when she is in the thick of it it seems I make a convenient scapegoat. Its taken a lot of counseling for me to realize that this is a reaction resulting from the depression. YOU ARE NOT CAUSING HER DEPRESSION. She has an illness, and the illness is controlling her life.

 

The other thing that stood out for me is this:

I couldn't believe the amount of alchohol she had in her kitchen. She also had about a half ounce of grass sitting in her freezer

It sounds like she has definitely lost touch with herself and possibly with reality. And as hard as this is going to be for you to realize - you cannot help her with this. She is no longer your responsibility and she is not likely to accept your advice regarding her apparent self-destruction. This will be painful, but you must forgive yourself of the responsibility to straighten her out. She is a big girl, and it is up to her now. Its not your fault this is happening.

 

For you, I would say go back to school and cut off communication. You need to do some serious healing. And she's going to have to learn some harsh lessons on her own. I do not think you will be able to shoulder this emotional burden - nor should you have to. Take some time for yourself now. You sound like a very nuturing and caring person so this will be very hard for you. But be good to yourself now. And heal up.

 

We are here for you to help you along the way.

 

avman

[sweetharmony]

i can relate to your ex. I too have suffered from depression, blaming my ex boyfriend for my illness- got into drugs, alcohol, etc... it is not your fault. do not take repsonsibility for her illness. she "seems" happy now because she is high all the time- escaping reality- which for those who are depressed, it seems like bliss- but only for a short time. she'll realize that she can't be high all the time and when she's sober- the depression will come back, but much worse. she's heading on a downward spiral and there's nothing you can do, but let her go. she'll have to realize herself, b/c the more you push, the further she'll move away. let her come to you- if she ever does. luckily, i pulled myself out and found happiness. hopefully, she will too. but she's probably self-medicating right now and will learn that this is not the way.

 

take care. good luck. happy new years.

[fifi8]

I suffered from depression for a time, after a bad accident, and my ex broke it off with me. He didn't stick it out like you would have with this girl, and you should be commended for being so supportive. I believe you really are in love with her, and I also know that it's going to be extremely hard for her to find that again. She may not appreciate you now, because you're obviously available, but let her go, don't contact her, and watch ... she'll be back. She'll miss your love and support. My feeling is though, that by the time she wakes up to herself, you'll realize you can do better, and it will be too late for her.

 

Fiona

[Chris77]

Avman, Sweet Harmony, Fifi8, thank you so much for your replies, you are complete strangers but they really meant a lot to me. Thank you.

 

Yesterday I went and finished moving my stuff out of the apartment (well, I forgot the microwave so I have to go back one more time...). My brother came with me because we had to move furniture down three flights of stairs. She, my ex, had some of my stuff piled in the bedroom so I walk in there to get it and sitting in the corner is a pile of some guy's clothes. Brutal. Doesn't she know she's not supposed to have sex with anyone ever again?

 

I walk into the bathroom to throw water on my face and there are one-too-many toothbrushes, and a man's razor and shaving cream.

 

I walk out of the bathroom with a thousand yard stare and she asked me what's wrong. "Nothing," I respond. What do you say, you know?

 

Well my brother see's all of this too, and he worked his butt off to get all of my stuff loaded and get out as quickly as possible. I went up to double-check that I have everything (how you miss a microwave I have no idea) and she says she has to go to work, but now that I am moved out of the apartment maybe we can just hang out and be friends. "Lets go out for dinner before you go back to school." Righto. I start to walk out the door and she asks me if I'm going to give her a hug, so I do, but at this point I'm shaking pretty badly and she mentions it. "It's just hard for me," I respond.

 

My brother is awesome. He hops in the car and doesn't say a word, just lets me break down with dignity. He spent the rest of the day and night drinking whiskey and wine with me, and doing everything he could to make me feel better.

 

I don't get it. Why would she leave that guy's stuff in plain sight. She broke my heart, why does she have to rip it out of my chest and serve it to me for dinner. I'm having sex with a "friend with benefits," but there is no way I would flaunt that in front of my ex. And why is she suggesting we go out and be friends? The things she does and the things she says seem to be.... out of whack.

 

Do you know what bothers me the most. If she called me right now and asked for me back, I would be there in a heart beat (once, of course, I had reinstalled my heart into my chest).

 

Chris

[avman]

There's no reason you should deny the love thats still in your heart for her. That doesn't mean you should go back to her. But trying to deny that its there will cause you tremendous pain.

 

Go ahead and break down. Crying is an awesome way to release those emotions. Grieve for the loss of the relationships. All this is part of the healing process.

 

Its not likely she left that guys stuff out to hurt you. She is probably just not realizing what seeing that would do to you. She feels that if she's moved on, well then so should you. And then that stuff wouldn't bother you.

 

Your brother is an awesome guy. He is wonderful for supporting you and being there for you as you go through this. Make sure you use this when you need it. If you are having trouble, call him and ask him to come over for awhile. Don't turn your back on his support - its really going to help you heal.

 

I wish you comfort and healing as you go through this. And we'll be here to help you along the way. Good luck to you.

 

avman