Chris77

Avman, Sweet Harmony, Fifi8, thank you so much for your replies, you are complete strangers but they really meant a lot to me. Thank you. Yesterday I went and finished moving my stuff out of the apartment (well, I forgot the microwave so I have to go back one more time...). My brother came with me because we had to move furniture down three flights of stairs. She, my ex, had some of my stuff piled in the bedroom so I walk in there to get it and sitting in the corner is a pile of some guy's clothes. Brutal. Doesn't she know she's not supposed to have sex with anyone ever again? I walk into the bathroom to throw water on my face and there are one-too-many toothbrushes, and a man's razor and shaving cream. I walk out of the bathroom with a thousand yard stare and she asked me what's wrong. "Nothing," I respond. What do you say, you know? Well my brother see's all of this too, and he worked his butt off to get all of my stuff loaded and get out as quickly as possible. I went up to double-check that I have everything (how you miss a microwave I have no idea) and she says she has to go to work, but now that I am moved out of the apartment maybe we can just hang out and be friends. "Lets go out for dinner before you go back to school." Righto. I start to walk out the door and she asks me if I'm going to give her a hug, so I do, but at this point I'm shaking pretty badly and she mentions it. "It's just hard for me," I respond. My brother is awesome. He hops in the car and doesn't say a word, just lets me break down with dignity. He spent the rest of the day and night drinking whiskey and wine with me, and doing everything he could to make me feel better. I don't get it. Why would she leave that guy's stuff in plain sight. She broke my heart, why does she have to rip it out of my chest and serve it to me for dinner. I'm having sex with a "friend with benefits," but there is no way I would flaunt that in front of my ex. And why is she suggesting we go out and be friends? The things she does and the things she says seem to be.... out of whack. Do you know what bothers me the most. If she called me right now and asked for me back, I would be there in a heart beat (once, of course, I had reinstalled my heart into my chest). Chris

Where to begin? We'd been together for 2 1/2 years and lived together for 1 1/2 years when I left for school in September. Leaving and being 3000 km away was hard, but we talked every day. I had an epiphany---I realized that she is the girl for me, that I want to marry her, I want her to have my children. These emothions were insane and terrifying and incredible to me; I've never felt like this about anybody before. It was hard, though, because when we talked she sounded so depressed and there was nothing that I could do. She suffers from depression. She treats it with medication, but sometimes she'll go months where it takes all of her will power to get out of bed. I don't care though, I love her unconditionally, I want to be there for her no matter what. In October she broke up with me. She said that she didn't love me the way that I love her, and that she wants to be single again. I think that I went insane. I wept. I was drunk for about four weeks straight. I called her and begged for her back. She responded that maybe in the future we could get back together, then she hinted that she was seeing other guys and that she was having a good time without me. Damning words. I called her best friend to find out what was going on, and she told me that my all my ex was was doing was drinking, doing drugs and doing other "dumb stuff" (you can read between the lines....). Her friend said that they were losing touch and that my ex seemed to have surrounded herself with a new group of friends. And now I'm home again for the holidays. Yesterday I went back to our old apartment to get my stuff, I couldn't believe the amount of alchohol she had in her kitchen. She also had about a half ounce of grass sitting in her freezer. She said that she is quitting her job and leaving, going to Mexico to surf with some guy she recently met (her new best friend, she says) , then going out west to be with an old flame who she has always described as a soul mate. And then came the final blow. She told me that she thinks that I was the source of her depression and she feels better now that our relationship is over. Those words devestated me. God I love her, and I am trying desperately to let her go, to not care and to get on with my own life. But I can't stop thinking about her, worrying about her. I am angry and jealous and hurt..... And I don't know what to do. I want her to be okay, to find happiness without ruining her life and alienating those that love her. Do I keep in touch with her? Be her friend regardless of the emotional cost to myself? Or do I just go back to school and cut off communication? Any advice you guys might have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Chris