Emotional Infidelity-need help!

[moonlite113]

I have been married for 6 years. Not a very happy marriage. We both have neglected each other and we havent had sex in alomost 5 years. Just recently, I've found out that my husband was involved with a female co-worker. I confronted him and he apologized and told me that he would end the relationship. According to him, there was no physical involvement. They would just go out for a drink after work. However, during their 2 and a half month relationship, he would come home and send her goodnight emails from home via cell phone. He has told her how much he liked her and that she's very important to his life. Ive also found out that he gave her a secret gift (a shell he picked up on the beach during our vacation.) It has been almost 2 months since I confronted him about the affair and my emotional state isnt improving at all. He tells me that he has absolutely no feelings for this woman, that everything is over. He tells me that the affair was nothing but just casual playing around and that he truly loves me and wants to do everything to improve the marriage. He never had any intentions of ending the marriage, that it was just something that happened accidentally. I can see that he's trying very hard to improve things between us. He's been pretty patient with my outburst. However, he still lies. He promised me that he would be honest and tell me if there is a drinking party or a business trip where she would be present. But he would keep these drinking parties secret from me. Ive asked him why he lied, and he said that he didnt want to worry me. He thought it was the best thing to keep it a secret so that I wouldnt panic. It is true that I have been very hysterical since the day I found out about the affair, but it really hurts when he lies. The strange thing is, he tells me honestly about drinking parties and business trips where no woman is present. He looks into my eyes and says "I will be going on a trip with my 2 bosses, both male so there is nothing for you to worry about. Please trust me" BUT!!!!! whenever there is a woman present, whether it's his ex-girlfriend or just a femlae co-worker, he lies. He doesnt even tell me anything about it! But he is such a bad liar, I usually find out. I am so confused I dont know what to do. I have already started talking about divorce. He tells me that he doesnt want a divorce, but I am so hurt that I dont think I can continue living with him under this condition. He tells me that his lie comes from good intention. I disagree. I think he should tell me the truth whatever the outcome is. Also Im not sure whether I should accept him back in my life again. I mean, he did start liking another woman! If I didnt stop him from seeing her, I think he would have continued.

I am sooo confused. I still love him but I cant forgive him. If he really loved me, he would have never done this.

[needafriend]

The last line in your post I think answers your own questions sweetie...

[DGirl]

HI

 

First let me say i'm so sorry for what you are going threw. I "was" going threw the same thing. I was just married a year but have been with my husband a total of 9 years. He was always lying to me about little things and hes a bad liar so he always got caught. About 4 months into our marriage I found a singles add he placed for himself on line. My initial reaction was to toss him out, but like you I loved him to much and after so much time and effort put into a relationship I wanted to try to work it out. I tried and he was patient at first. Then he started getting short with me, and on top of that he kept lying to me. I went to counseling and shortly after realized that I couldn't live like this for the rest of my life. Everything he did annoyed me, I no longer wanted to spend time with him. I felt like every word that came out of his mouth was a lie.

 

About 3 weeks ago we agreed to separate, as hard as it is....I am sooooo crushed I know I have to! I am dying inside with him and without him. But eventually I know I'll be able to get on with my life! First I recommend counseling, but you have to do what makes you happy! The pain of break up will be temporary but the pain of being with someone who does not make you happy will be an eternity!!!

 

Good luck to you, I hope it all works out for the best!

[Ash]

Okay, let me get this straight. You've been married 6 years, but haven't had sex in almost 5? That is correct, is it? Honestly, I thing you have to back up quite a bit from when things are now to see where the issues are. If it's an unhappy marriage, and you find no emotional support in each other, than I might suggest you either try to fix that part between yourselves, or have at least a trial separation.

 

His feelings some somebody else are likely borne out of a frustration with having nowhere else to direct them. It makes sense he would react to the first good thing coming his way. What he's done really doesn't seem that bad. You can't stop him from having feelings for another, although it does have to be up to him to control what he does.

 

Granted, having drinks with her, dates, essentially, if it is one on one does seem like a bit of an issue, but not one you can't get past. The other stuff can be interpreted in different ways by different people. Many people do give members of the opposite gender small gifts on occasion, and exchanging emails is fairly common as well. I don't know the content of the emails of course.

 

As for the lies, I think that's maybe him pushing back a bit. There seems from your account no wrong doing is occurring. He's says there's nothing to worry about, not that there won't be women present, according to your account. Is that really a lie? Humans are social beings, and there is need and opportunity to interact with both sexes on a regular basis. It's bound to happen that he'll wind up places where there are other women.

 

In general though, his behavior does suggest he is looking for emotional support. I hope that you can give him that support instead of somebody else and stay together as a couple if that's what you really desire.

 

Do the two of you go out together, to dinner, or movies? Do you share any interests, have any hobbies, even share cooking a meal together? Try doing some of those things if not, to see if he gets the emotional input that he needs. And don't deny ourself too. You need the emotional feedback from him so you can feel happier in your marriage.

 

I'm not trying to come down on you here, or say it's your fault. What I'm trying to let you know is I think certainly you can help him fix what it is that's wrong.

[Firehawk]

So sorry about the pain that you are enduring. I think you need to take a step back and look at his actions instead of his words. Lying, no sex in 5 years, drinking with a female co-worker , Only admitting to what you know as fact = ????. If the two of you want to work on the relationship suggest marriage counseling. A third party may be able to help you put things back together. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, I think you have the answer that you are searching for.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

I'm sorry that he did this to you and after all this time, while he gets away with his treacherous deed your stuck still trying to find that missing piece of your heart that he trampled on. This is not fair to you. His selfish deed hasnt done anything but hurt you. And his continuous lies about women at parties is really just the icing on the cake.

A good friend of mines says "It's not what your man tells you that you should worry about..ITS WHAT HE DOESN'T" He feels like he has something to hide. This may also be old guilt still festering inside himself and he feels like your down his back. This may be the main reason for his lies. Truth is, if he really loved you and wanted to prove things to you..he would take YOU to the office party. If there are no feeling there for him and this "homerecker" then you should be more than welcome on the trips.

 

I know your probably making yourself sick everyday worrying about this guy and his whereabouts right? This is no way to live. This is shortening your happiness and making you sad..this just is not right. Marriages are suppose to stand the test of time, but it seems like your marriage is headed for the rocks. No sex in five years? This is serious I'd like to know who is the one withdrawing about the sex....If i knew that...I could help you more.