Still Isn't "Official" --- What to do?

[honeybee52]

Recap-- beginning of June, we had "the talk" about marriage, and he said he wants to get married in 2009. We've been together for five years and are in our early 50s.

 

Beginning of July, I found an antique ring I loved on-line, showed him, he agreed, so we ordered the ring from a dealer in another state.

 

Ring came 10 days ago, we had it checked out in a local jewelry store to make sure it's everything we were told it was. It checked out okay.

 

Now he says he wants to ask me "officially" by taking me out to dinner and popping the official question. He's had a very busy week, and the next four days look pretty hectic, too, work-wise. We're going camping right after that-- so we may be going away, still not engaged, which delays things even more since there are no restaurants where we're going. I think it'll be very awkward for me to be away, wondering if he is truly wanting to marry me-- I mean, what is taking so long?

 

If he really wanted to do this, wouldn't he find the time?

 

I am feeling so frustrated that there is this delay, and I wonder if he's stalling. Plus, it makes it really awkward for me to bring it up, as in "when is this going to happen?" I am literally feeling sick to my stomach-- not joyful as I should be feeling.

 

He has a tendency to drag things out until eternity. Meanwhile, he'll throw me bones like, "We should set a specific date" or... "I saw a musician who would be great at our wedding." Again, these feel like stall tactics.

 

Should I try to chill out about it? How do I do that???? Or should I bring it up? What should I say, if anything?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Let him do it in his own time. It becomes really unromantic if the woman keeps asking about it. If he is stalling you will know in time. I think you need to enjoy the moments with him rather than focus on getting that question popped ASAP. You are losing sight of the togetherness. Let it rest and let him surprise you.

[honeybee52]

Crazy, Do you have any thoughts on how to put it out of my mind in the meantime? And if he hasn't asked me in, say, a month-- would that be considered "stalling"?

 

t h a n k y o u

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you are getting too worked up about this. Give it some time and see how things go. He may not want to do it while you are still angling for it. You have to somehow get your mindset around enjoying the moments with him..enjoying the time you spend with him and making memories with him. I have no magic solution to help you do that...you really have to just work on your mindset.

[honeybee52]

thanks, i will try my best. i am just worried that he will let it slide like he has done before. and also he teases me (which feels a little bit cruel), like last night. he told me before that he wanted to take me out to dinner when he asked me. so he takes me out to dinner yesterday, and when the check came, he says, "i want to ask you an important question." then he said some dumb question that and kind of laughed. meanwhile he will throw me a bone like, "i think we should have a small party after we elope" or "i think we should set a date" == then... nothing.....

 

i have some anger about it, that's all. i mean, it's been over five years, and it doesn't feel happy or joyful the way he's going about it. but i will try to change my mindset. i'm glad i can vent a little here.

 

thank you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that what he is doing is very cruel. All the more reason to let it drop and act like you couldn't care less. In the meantime, if you feel he is just trying to stall and placate you with no intentions of ever marrying you then I would suggest you give yourself a timeframe of 3-4 months and if you see nothing happening then consider walking away from the relationship if marriage is what you want. But don't give him warnings that this is what you will do..because if you can't follow through then you will look stupid and he will make sport of you and not take you seriously. So have your mind set on what you think is a reasonable amount of time to wait...do not mention marriage at all and just carry on as if nothing is bothering you. Then as time gets closer, get a game plan ready...if you are living with him then look to move out. For some people they really have to see that you mean business and that you are ready to walk away after giving them loads of chances....but, you actually have to be ready to walk away.

[Kalika]

I completely agree with Crazy.

 

Don't go nuts .. yet. Set yourself a timetable. Don't mention it. 3-4 months sounds good. I wouldn't wait around much longer than that, seeing as how it's been 5 years already.

 

And if you walk out, you should probably do it once and only once, otherwise you'll be playing this game for more years to come.

[Excalibur]

Um,you guys are in your 50's.........you both should know this is a formality - it's not significant as far as becoming who you want to be, what you have in life, etc. Proposal and marriage that is.

 

He wants to do this in the hallmark/kodak style of your preference, apparently. He has many issues at work, etc. to deal with. He can't do the proposal that way - and deal with his obligations all the same breath.

 

He's going to be this same way about planning some "squeal appeal" wedding....if you have that in mind. He's not going to have time, he's not going to proiritize being involved in the "big event".

 

This is a marriage of two people in their 50's...thre's no kids to have, there's already two full, complete, secure lives here in play- running in parallel. This is not 'squeal appeal" of your 20's...this is dignified unity in your middle age.