Considering permanent no contact

[RedHead33]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. Anyways, let’s get started. I'll try to make this as detailed, yet as short as possible. My ex girlfriend and I were together for about 4 years and then broke it off about 8 months ago. I'm pretty sure she thinks all I wanted from her was sex. And I can see how towards the end of our relationship, that she might have felt that way. The sex was the only thing decent I was getting from her. She told me once days before we broke up that "there's more to me than my T and A." I didn't say this, but I thought to myself, "I know, and it seems I hate pretty much all of it." I don't know if I ever really loved her that much at the time. I wanted to love her. I really did. But there were red flags everywhere right from the beginning that I recognized and they prevented me from really opening up to her and putting myself at risk. First off, I knew that she had cheated on every man she had ever been with, and was religiously cheating on the guy she left for me. I told her countless times politely, right to her face, that I did not trust her. But because I was with her for so long, I guess I developed some rather strong feelings for her that have been surfacing now that she's gone. I won't make this a terrible her, poor me sob story. Nobody's perfect. There have been times where I was quite mean to her. Anyway, I'm no saint, but she is the most deceitful, using, cheating, manipulative person I've ever met in my life thus far.

 

For the longest time, I thought I might want her back. That is until she outright lied to me and manipulated me with flirting, hugging, and kissing, into loaning her $9000 dollars for some bills she claimed needed paying off or else she was going to lose her car and stuff. She promised me up one side and down the other that she would pay me back in full and that she would begin making payments to me starting with her very next paycheck. That was roughly 5 months ago, and I haven't seen one red cent from her. She manipulated me and royally ripped me off. Maybe this is her way of getting what she considers some kind of revenge against me. She seemingly wholeheartedly promised me she would pay me back. I never "promised" her anything. The one time I decided to hold my breath, jump in, and trust her, and she screws me over royally. I guess I know why my instincts didn't trust her.

 

I'm considering permanently going no contact with her. Enough time has passed that it's crystal clear that she purposely manipulated me and ripped me off. I figure that if she'll do what she did to me, she is definitely no friend of mine, and has no chance of ever being a friend of mine until she makes an honest effort to square up with me, which I'm certain she has no plans of doing.

 

I’m in a rough situation with this because unfortunately, I work with my ex. She’s within 100 feet of me for 48+ hours per week. It’s a decent job that I have no plans of quitting. Our jobs are at opposite ends of the place and don’t require us to communicate thank god. I’ve done no contact with her before but it was just too difficult to maintain with my mindset at the time. I think it was because I would look at her at almost every opportunity. I must admit to myself and everyone else, I have good taste in women, physically. She has a very pretty face and body. Looking at her seems to severely weaken my willpower. So this time, I’m shooting for permanent no contact, including no visual contact with any part of her. If she walks by me, I’ll turn my head the other way. Some may consider this childish, but if it proves useful and effective at accomplishing what I’m trying to accomplish, then so be it. There are a few things I’d like to say to her, but I think it’s best that I don’t. I don’t owe her any explanation of any kind, and actions speak louder than words anyway, right?

 

What are your thoughts on this situation? Would any of you even consider keeping in touch with the person I described? What are your thoughts on the no visual contact as well? Has anyone used this with success?

[fivespot]

Hey redhead...

 

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Yikes!

 

Well, let me answer your question, "Would any of you even consider keeping in touch with the person I described?"

 

The person you described is my ex. And I can tell you I've been in NC with her, basically since March. As far as I'm concerned, it's permanent, as she's never attempted to come back or whatever.

 

In fact, the only difference with your story and mine (minus the 9k loan and being together 4 yrs/working together) is the fact that I KNEW she was a horrible person and I knew I shouldn't trust her BUT I DID ANYWAY!

 

That's what hurts most of all probably right now...I let myself down, because when everything started (when she cheated on her bf with me) I told her I just wanted to be friends. But she somehow convinced me to go along with something more and I did it against my better judgement. I slowly began to trust her more and more until BINGO :splat: she was gone and my self worth went with her.

 

I feel bad for you...I really do. The fact that you have to see her at work makes it even worse. How will you deal with that? You'll never get full NC like me if you see her everyday.

 

First, I would concentrate mostly on getting your money back. All of it, plus a little extra on the side for interest/a$$hole tax. If you can't, take her to court. If you tell a judge (and can prove) you gave her the money and she promised to pay it back, you're airtight.

 

As far as permanant NC, well I can tell you from my experience that even though it's been what...4-5 months since I last talked to her, things haven't gotten any better. I used to wake up feeling hopeless, but that doesn't happen anymore. I don't feel like I got punched in the face in the morning...only at night now. Don't know if you can call that an improvement, but whatever.

 

Plus, I'm sill angry about the way she treated me and led me on and convinced me to try a relationship with her when--as it turned out--she had no interest in one at all.

 

It hurt because I feel in love with her. And she says she was in love with me, though now I don't believe that she ever was.

 

Yes, in time, things get easier. But I don't feel any less numb. I still feel like my world crashed down and to this day I'm still picking up pieces. So NC helps you heal, but it certainly hasn't helped me to reach a point of acceptance yet.

 

But your most important job right now is to get your cash back. It wasn't a gift, it was a loan. Don't just forget about it. Maybe $100.00 I'd say yeah, forget it. Not 9 grand though.

 

Good luck.

[DieTeufelKatze]

Yes, I've used the "visual" NC as well. I'm a complete idiot and dated a guy from my work (who was REALLY interested in me) to get over a rediculous crush I had on a different guy who was also a co-worker at the time. Well, it worked for about 4 months, until the first guy turned into a raging creep/ * * * * * * * , and we had a horrible breakup. I changed my phone number and basically acted as though he didn't exist for over 6 months. He works in the same building as I do, but I just simply would not acknowledge his existence. At all. Not a word. Never looked at him, and if I was walking anywhere near him, I'd simply look at something else, or look right through him. I got VERY good at it. SO good... now that it's been almost 9 months since the breakup... I can't stop doing it! LOL. I've talked to him on the phone twice, where I extended an olive branch, and we finally had closure. But I haven't been able to work up the desire to speak to him in person, again. I still don't even want to look at him or say hi or anything. Weird, but oh well. It helps, but it takes a LONG time to get over someone when you have to see them all the time.

 

So, on to the other part of my stupid story... yeah, so I was REALLY stupid, and rebounded in the meantime with the other guy, the original dude I had a crush on for so long, but by then he'd started his own business and no longer worked at the same place, but comes by one or two days a week with his mobile business. So now I have to see him around a couple times a week, but I can avoid him pretty well. We just broke up a little over 3 weeks ago, nobody at my work knew we were seeing each other, so there's no drama from that. With this guy, it's a different story. He treated me kinda badly, I'd say he was just more or less being selfish/unfair, but mostly because he's never really had relationships, I don't think he did so intentionally. But I got fed up. I also fell in love with him (whereas the first guy, I had no interest in, never fell in love, was just a * * * * ed up thing all around). Or I was already in love with him before we even got together. Whatever. So this guy, I've had to tell him that I need space, and NC... basically told him that it'd be easiest for me if he fell off the face of the planet, because it hurts to see him. I didn't want him thinking I hated him, because I don't. I was angry after the breakup, sure, but I don't HATE him. I've had to do the visual NC with him too, mostly because it's hard to see him all the time, and I know I'll never get over him if I don't really try. I get the feeling that he REALLY doesn't like it, but oh well. He was VERY callous when he dumped me, did it suddenly on the phone when we were having a disagreement. I have some right to be angry, and don't owe him a thing.

 

With the first guy, I did it because his actions warranted it. It's called a "Cut Direct"... look up the term. It's for someone who has done something so atrocious that they deserve not to be acknowledged. Really, you should only do it if someone has done something truly horrible to you. (The first guy did. I won't elaborate, but it involved some EXTREMELY cruel behavior).

 

With the second guy, it's more because I have extremely strong feelings for him and I'm still very attracted to him. I think it's a little closer to your situation. She may think you're being rude or childish, but after having scammed you out of 9 grand I'd say you wouldn't be overstepping your bounds.

[dan10]

i have to agree with fivespot on this one. NC right now is a horrible idea. what you need to do is go to her with a piece of paper that basically says that the 9 grand you gave her was a loan and not a gift. and that she will pay it back in incriments or fully or however you set it up and have her sign it. if she doesnt sign it write on the bottom of it the date, time, place, and that you tried to get her to sign it. then take her to court and tell the judge that you loaned it to her and it wasnt a gift. and most likely the judge will side with you seeing as you were broken up, and it was 9 grand.

 

if she does sign it, then give her a "receipt" or some little piece of paper signed by u and her that says that she gave you x amount of money on blank day. if she misses a payment call her, give her 24 hours to give you the money (unless previously arranged like if she knows she wont have the money or she is gone and she works that out with you at least a week in advance and you are ok with it) otherwise give her 24 hours to get you the money or file a suit in court for whatever money she hasnt already paid.

 

after you get your 9 grand back then go permanent NC. not looking at her will probably help at first but if you work at the same place then eventually you will end up seeing her. so dont talk to her and dont look at her but try and get over her so that when you do see her in the future you wont have a problem.

[RedHead33]

Thanks for the replies. I have politely confronted her verbally 3 times about it, but it's like listening to a broken record. She says, "I promise I'm going to pay you back." And that's as far as it goes. All talk and no action.

 

I haven't tried or thought of getting that promise in writing, which would prove that money was loaned and still owed. I thought it would be too late for that. I have it all documented in my personal files though. That's a good idea. If I present a document stating that she acknowledges that she owes me, and she either signs it or doesn't sign it, that will tell me volumes about her real intentions.

 

What about this? If she doesn't sign it, I have two text messages from her still sitting in my e-mail.

 

1) "U r. I am going 2 pay u. U r my friend and i am going 2 make it right."

 

2) "Yes i am going 2 pay u everything."

 

Could these be used to influence a judge?

 

Anyway, I really don't want to be an a-hole by bringing Johnny Law down on her, but after what she did to me, it's pretty clear she doesn't give a hoot about me or my feelings, so why should I care what she thinks of me in return?

[GottaLetItBurn]

Trust me, bring the law down on her. My brothers ex ran 5000.00 in credit card bills before she dumped him, all in his name. She was even sick enough to ask for her 250.00 deposit she put down on a vacation they were going on after the she left. He had to work 4 months straight of 12-14 hour days to pay that off.

 

She tries to come around to this day asking him for money now that she has a kid with some other guy. This shows you what kind of person your dealing with. A sweet girl on the outside and then she turned on you. Don't buy the BS anymore, she will just exploit you even more.

 

Go to court. Let her know that a court will garnish her wages if she doesn't start paying up. This is like child support for women. I think she'll get the hint.