not happy with the way i am

[niceloyal]

Hello everyone

 

ive been strugling with where to post this... cause it could be this section, or any other relationship sections cause i believe its to do with all those things.

 

my problem is i am lacking self esteem and confidence.

 

the reason.... i believe the main reason is my parents. my father was physically and mentally abusive. he would kick me for no reason when i was a kid and yell and he still yells. I am 25 and luckily i dont see him often.

 

my mum wasnt like him but yet she still wasnt the best mum. she never believed in me. and i dont know why! i was good enough at school, i was always a very quiet and nice kid. and she would always say negative things to me, for example "you will never get into this school, unless we pay someone". or "you will have a hard time living with a partner in the future". or simply they never told me "i love you" or any compliments you hear normal parents tell to their kids. and even now she still manages to hurt me saying negative things to me.

 

so that pretty much screwed me for all my life. i dont know how to get out of this person i am.

 

i am good and nice and smart and good looking (the no confidence is nothing to do with looks).

 

i thought i would be able to deal with it when i grow up, but now im grown up and i see it hunts me down every day.

at work im not treated with respect, even though i just act normal, polite, i dont hold a sign "please kick me", but somehow people sense that?

 

i am in a long distance relationship, although i believe the man i have is not the best in the world, cause he doesnt seem to respect me anymore, i start thinking its my problem.. he doesnt treat me the best and i think its to do with my own lack of confidence and that i let people walk all over me.

 

i dont know how to get out of this and be that strong confident woman? :sad:

[SupaflyTNT]

I can tell you that I lacked confidence when I was a little bit younger than you. I didn't have the childhood you had but I was very quiet and reserved, much like you're describing. People tend to overlook shy, quiet folks or they tend to use them because they won't fight for themselves.

 

My "cure" was to surround myself with positive people. I made friends that were positive influences on my life. Most of them were more outgoing than me and they did outgoing things like going to bars, sporting events, etc. I went with them, I had fun with them, I watched how they interacted with random people and I learned from them. Slowly but surely I practiced what I saw until I became the outgoing, positive, successful person I am today!

 

Just let me say it again...I was just like you, people told me I was good looking, I was smart, but I was shy and reserved. I'm not like that at all today so I know if I can do it, then you can do it. It's a matter of finding those few people that can have a positive influence on you. Get involved in some after work activities, maybe take a few interesting night classes at a local university, join a social group that you're interested in, hell join a bowling league or something! Get out there and meet a few people! You can't be quiet your whole life, start speaking your mind even if you think people might not agree with you. They'll respect you a whole lot more for it.

[brando]

All you need to do is not believe these things they say or have said are not true. I know it is hard to do, but essential in order for you to build your self confidence.

 

If you believe what they say, which is just coming from their own pain and have nothing to do with you, then it will make the task of dispelling these things that much harder.

 

Maybe a professional could help yu sort these things out.

[niceloyal]

thank you, what you are saying makes sense complitely. i dont know where to find those people though. i work from morning till night and all i have time for is sleeping (dont even have time for that sometimes) when i get home.

i know 100% a good influence would help me, i just am not sure where to find that yet.

 

are there any tips, something i can do on my own?

[niceloyal]

to brando.

 

id love to go to someone to talk about, i just cant afford it at the moment.

 

when you are a kid it just hurts you alot what your parents do to you... even if it just words.

 

it sad, because i spent a few days with my sister, he husband and their 2 young kids, and her husband is mentally abusive to those kids, thats so sad, they are already afraid of him, i know its going to hunt them in the future

[brando]

verbal abuse is very damaging. Well some other tricks may seem silly, but by you congratulating yourself on small daily tasks you complete each day may help you start building your confidence.

 

The internet has loads of resources too. It alll has to come from within yourself though. Make a list of things you would like to do, doesnt matter how big or small these things seem. And try to work towards at least one or two of those things until you completed or reached that goal.

 

One step at a time.

 

Remember

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Elanor Rooselvelt.

[niceloyal]

thank you brando, ill try

[SupaflyTNT]

thank you, what you are saying makes sense complitely. i dont know where to find those people though. i work from morning till night and all i have time for is sleeping (dont even have time for that sometimes) when i get home.

i know 100% a good influence would help me, i just am not sure where to find that yet.

 

are there any tips, something i can do on my own?

 

You need to do something about this part in bold. It's incredibly important to have even a little time for yourself, and even more important to get a good night's sleep. That alone will improve your interaction with others. Is there any way you can cut back on some hours, even a little? And as far as meeting people, really the only way to do that is to suck it up one day and get out there. Some of the things I mentioned are only suggestions. The point is to find something you enjoy doing (you have to think about this, what do you really enjoy doing?) and find others that enjoy it too. It can be anything and you can probably find a group that meets weekly or so. The internet is a great thing, you can even post on here and someone can tell you how to find a group that does what you're interested in, I've seen forums posted here before.

 

The important thing, again, is to make some time for yourself. I know it's hard but it's worth it!

 

And brando is right, not believing these things that have been said to and about you is critical. But that's easier to do when there are people around you that are positive. Sometimes you need a little help believing in yourself, I know.

 

None of this stuff happens overnight and there will be setbacks. You have to flip a switch in your head and just say to yourself, "I'm going to get out there, I'm going to meet people, I'm going to make a change in my life." And then you have to do it, every day. You'd be surprised what you can accomplish when it's really important to you and you have your mind set to it. The hard thing is getting your mind set, but once you do that it will happen.

[brando]

you are welcome nice&loyal,

 

if anything right down that quote on an index card, and make multiple copies. Post them around your house where you will always run into them and keep repeating it to yourself. You can also find other positive affirmations on the internet as well.

 

Good luck.

 

be well

brando

[Crazyaboutdogs]

While our parents play a role in how we grow up and our self esteem issues, at a certain point we have to overcome the negative feedback and recognize that their negative feedback comes from their own insecurities and self-esteem issues. If you can learn to view your parents in that way, it will go a long way in helping you change the record in your mind. Look at all the positive things you have going for you...there will always be people to take advantage..even the tough people get taken advantage of and trashed by others. The trick is to stand up to people who are trashing you and walking all over you. If you feel your boyfriend doesn't respect you then you could talk to him about it and if it doesn't change you can walk. You don't have to be with someone who doesn't treat you right. At work, well, there are always backstabbers and power hungry people around...no matter how high up the ladder you go. Life is full of nasty, negative people....you can still remain a nice person while not putting up with the crap.