am i being greedy? or this is wut i have to do

[bit3yerlip]

im 19, studying advertising. he's at the same age, studying accounting. we just broke up a week ago. we tried to avoid each other so we won't get hurt (because we still love each other). he knows i still love him very much, but he also knows the reason i broke up with him was because he is waaaay too controlling and i feel that we've met the wrong time. i always wished we met later on when we are older, because we would get to tell each other how we used to be when we were 19 and how we went through life back then, full of experience and preference of the person we want to spend our lives with. I personally am into controlling guys like him BUT only when i know im going to be his wife.

im also scared that one of us would change next time (personality wise), because we are now at the age where we start to open up our eyes wanting to know everything, where our lives are not stable yet. i seriously didn't want to break up with him to get to know more guys to date. i think he's very different from the guys around me.

am i being greedy here? because last nite we couldn't take it anymore, we had to see each other. we talked about how things are going to be better if we're back together. it was convincing to me even when he asked "r u sure u can take it that im so controlling?". i then agreed to get back together. but when i brought him back to my place, he starting telling me what i shouldn't wear to class, and how many times a week i can only go to gym with my girl friends, which pictures i should delete from my facebook and even asked me to delete my facebook account. it made me uncomfortable... i felt the sadness again.... he got the message from the way i look. he understood, so he's giving me 2 more days to figure out if i still want him back. but no, im lost!! i love him and want him but i want my own life. am i being too greedy? how do i know what i want in life? is this love suppose to be more important than what i want to do in life?

1)im so scared to do what i want in life & forget him because he's a great person+i love him. i cant live everyday without telling him about my day and worse still when i face problems. HES ALWAYS THERE FOR ME!!!!!! but he says if we are not going back together he will have to stop talking to me completely because he's letting go the person he loves so much and it hurts ofcourse.

2) im afraid to be his girlfriend again because he has slapped me once. i always believed that once a man lays his hands on u, means its over. but this time its too tough...he sounds like he's not going to slap me again. im also afraid that he's going to control me more the longer we're together. everyone around me warns me to stay away because controlling freaks are dangerous.

 

im confused ;( i cant even type well to what i feel now. tell me anything... thx so much

[shellbell225]

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time

 

When I read this post I began to wonder why, in order for you to be with him, you need to ACCEPT his controlling behavior. It seems that he knows it's wrong, or at least that it's upsetting to you; why wouldn't he want to change.

 

I really think he needs to seek counseling and/or help regarding these control and abuse issues. Things like this tend to only get worse and not better.

 

I think it is in your best interest NOT to get back together with him. He really needs to seek some help before he can be with anyone.

[DJC]

Well I think that if you love each other anything is possible BUT laying his hands on you is a very worrying thing and you can't vouch for him in saying he won't do it again. He sounds like he has an addictive personality and possibly self-conscious issues-maybe thinks he has to close you off from the world in case you meet someone 'better'?

You definitely have to do something about those problems of his, as it will only get worse as your love for one another grows.

I have two friends who are in a similar relationship, they have been dating for 19 months and love each other but the woman is depressed as they argue almost every time they meet due to his extreme jealousy. They have broken up countless times because he thinks that she is cheating on him with me. They won't last much longer, its at the breaking point.

 

Basically I've said this as a word of warning. Desperate people do desperate acts. My male friend in that relationship had blackmailed her into staying in the relationship with her deepest darkest secrets.

 

If you can get his issues sorted then I think you have a bright future with him, but firstly I think you should put your foot down on these problems (maybe reassure him you aren't going anywhere, as he may be doing all of this in the hopes to keep you with him).

[bit3yerlip]

When I read this post I began to wonder why, in order for you to be with him, you need to ACCEPT his controlling behavior. It seems that he knows it's wrong, or at least that it's upsetting to you; why wouldn't he want to change.

 

u have a point there

He knows so well that he's a control freak. but yeah we believe (ok,im trying to) in accepting each others weaknesses (eg him and his controlling habbits; me and my HOT TEMPER)

[bit3yerlip]

Actually, forget about my problem i posted up there. im curious about something else and im getting there.

there a big difference between accepting a CONTROL FREAK and accepting a HOT TEMPERED PERSON? me accepting a control freak is tough because my life is in his hands and how could u ever accept that some one is controling ur EVERYTHING, while accepting a HOT TEMPERED PERSON isnt as hard because its just the 'yelling and anger and language' part.

[Anachronism]

Sorry, but if a man ever raises his hands to a woman, it has to be over right then and there. Your initial instincts are correct.

 

A certain level of controlling behavior is natural, and you have to decide what level you're comfortable with. Both men and women need to feel secure. Trust will grow in a healthy relationship.

 

Hitting to control, however, is so far past the line that there can't be a reconciliation.

[DJC]

Actually, forget about my problem i posted up there. im curious about something else and im getting there.

there a big difference between accepting a CONTROL FREAK and accepting a HOT TEMPERED PERSON? me accepting a control freak is tough because my life is in his hands and how could u ever accept that some one is controling ur EVERYTHING, while accepting a HOT TEMPERED PERSON isnt as hard because its just the 'yelling and anger and language' part.

 

You shouldn't have to accept a control freak. If he cares for you enough then he wouldn't be so untrusting-not the best word for it, but you get the general idea. Controlling people are often the way they are through lack of trust such as not trusting other people to be able to do jobs on their own. I believe it is the same case for you, either it will get better the more he trusts you or it will get worse the more he loves you (increases the fear of leaving, thereforeee gets more controlling)

 

Hot tempered is quite different as it isn't as hard to help them change. Anger can be often be brought on through other symptoms and when you find out what the catalyst is you can help the issue. There are a few chapters in "Bonds that make us free" - C. Terry Warner that divulge the reasons for why people act so.

 

(sorry, people must be sick of me mentioning that book, but it really does have some good points-though I feel like I'm shamelessly plugging it )

[deang]

he's a control freak because he's insecure...he needs to grow up and maybe get some help...you may too...but you are wise enough to see that you need to get out...you should...this isn't healthy...maybe you can work on why you accept that kind of behavior and he can work on why he feels he needs to control everything. Be very careful.