Why doesn't she reply?

[Morpheus_67]

I read The Morrigan's article "So you want your ex back - tips, do's, and don'ts!" regarding "Getting Back Together" and I liked it a lot. The initial article is amazing and I actually think it might work. I will now start my way through it.

I guess my problem is less than for others since I only dated my latest girlfriend for a couple of months. But I really fell in love with her, and when I got her message that she didn't want us to meet anymore it hurt me pretty bad. Maybe the time you've been toghether isn't that much of a difference if you have really strong feelings for the other person.

Anyway, now to my problem and my questions...

The thing is she broke up with me through a single mail. I tried to reach her the same day I got it, but got no respons at all. I guess she saw that it was me calling and didn't want to answer. Why, who knows? Personally I think it is always better to talk in person if you wanna break up with someone. I then wrote her a very long mail the day after, in which I told her what I really felt about her and how hurt I was that she had taken this step. To me it came as a flash from the blue. The date we had some days before was just fine, cute and nice.

The thing is I haven't heard a word from her since that single "break up mail". She did not return my message on the phone, she didn't returned any answer on the mail. In her mail she wrote how much she really felt for me and that she would like to be able to keep the relationship with me, but since she'd been pretty bad hurt some months ago by her old boyfriend she was not ready for any relationship with me. She wanted to get past her lingering issues from her latest relationship. What makes a person act like this? What can be the reason she didn't even reply on my mail? How should I act? The thing is I actually think she have or at least by the time she broke up had feelings for me. Could the reason be that she's dating more than me and that the "past relationship" thing was just a cover? Could the reason be she's trying to get back together with her ex? I've been trying to date a lot of other women, but every time I start thinking of her. I guess I was more in love with her than I thought I was, and I'm still hoping she will change her mind about us. But first, how should I interpret the case that she isn't responding at all? I must have been worth more to her? The strange thing is also, as I mentioned above, that the latest date we had before the break up was really good, and I couldn't sense anything wrong going on at all. I noticed that she was holding back a bit, but I interpreted that as she was just taking it easy because she liked me and didn't want to rush. I told her I accepted that and that her holding back was no problem for me.

Is it normal in the US that girl- or boyfriends is just ignoring the other part totally after a breakup? At least, this is the first time it happens to me. I am not from the US originally, and I mean dating cultures can be different.

I still really love this woman! She's the sweetest and cutest thing that ever happened to me! And I actually still believe she wants to get back with me. But I can't get in touch with her, I don't want to pressure her and I really don't want to spoil it totally. Please advice!?

 

[The Morrigan]

 

 

There's a world of reasons she might not respond to your mail - anything from yes, she might be thinking of HER ex, to plain old guilt. NOBODY, unless it's a revenge thing, or a really sadistic person, is going to ENJOY hurting someone by breaking up with them. And most are not going to want to deal with the guilt and other feelings of hurting someone else by having to answer "why did you do this to me?" questions. Human nature - most people are going to either completely AVOID what makes them feel bad, or react defensively to it, the typical "fight or flight" response, and much of which reaction you get depends on their personality and the type of confrontation. So yes, it's normal. It's not nice or easy, but it's normal.

 

"No contact" isn't just for the ex - it's for you as well. Every time you get either a lack of response, or a defensive one - it HURTS. Here you are pouring your heart out - and getting no support, just the opposite; they're either running from facing your emotions, or lashing out because it makes them feel bad. Not exactly something that's going to help you heal. Every time you decide MAYBE you can get through to your ex and get one of these reactions, it's like pouring salt in the wounds you're trying to heal. You wouldn't poke and prod at an open physical wound to keep it from healing - and as hard as it is, you don't want to do it to an emotional one either.

 

Whether you ultimately end up with your ex coming back, or end up wanting to try another relationship - you need to be a whole, healthy person to make the best go of it possible. So you're doing the right thing getting out, focusing on you, even casually dating - you don't have to be ready for a relationship to date casually as long as the people you're dating aren't misled. Yes, it'll take time before you stop thinking about your ex when you're out doing things with other people, but it will happen faster than if you sit home alone and dwell on it.

 

Blueeyed99 said it well - you can't control someone else. You can control yourself. Making yourself a stronger person can only benefit you - regardless of what you end up moving on to.

[ertman420]

with the morrigan in that going out and casually dating will help you. I had a very similar situation in my recent past with someone I had very intense feelings for. When we broke up, she had virtually no explanation for why she was doing it. I have found that when they don't even give you a reason or they won't talk to you about the breakup, they typically have found someone else. Either that, or she isn't worth one iota of your respect. What you should focus on is you... go out and hang out with some new women that you have never met before. Ask your friends to hook you up with new people and GO OUT! When my ex left me hanging, I focused on her so much for so long that I missed out on a lot of my life. All I would do is sit there and ask myself (and anybody that would listen) Why did she break up with me? Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something to deserve this? I can tell you from experience.... QUIT asking yourself these questions. If she doesn't even have enough respect for you to give you a good explanation (Hell, she didn't even give you the courtesy of breaking up with you to your face) then you shouldn't even worry about her. The best thing you can do is stop worrying about her and start your search for a new woman.

[Morpheus_67]

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