Help With Independence

[TerryPConcern]

Hi. I think this is the second time I'm posting a topic here. The last one was in August. Wow.

 

First, please, please don't tell me how to fix things with her. That's all solved, and I don't need any advice on that. That happened last time I came for advice. I'm only providing the information behind everything so that you are up to speed on why I'm feeling as horrible as I am. I don't need advice on her, just on the question at hand.

 

Alright--So last time I was here I had a problem with my girlfriend having done some drinking, and thus breaking a promise to me about not drinking until 21, blah, blah, that's been done with and all.

 

Well, Tuesday, the 17th was our 3 year anniversary. Yes, we've never met in person, but she means the world to me. She didn't call. We didn't talk at all. Seeing as how I made her an 18-page comic, I was very hurt. Turned out the only time she had to call me, she spent with her friends instead. We argued and all, and she agreed to call when she wasn't able to talk, so I wouldn't stay up all night waiting for her, and then get upset when she didn't call.

 

So, since we agreed upon that, we hadn't talked for more then ten minutes at a time. With her job at Burger King 5 days a week at night, and her trying to maintain relationships with her friends, she hadn't had time to have any long, more than ten minute conversations.

 

Then, this week she had two nights off, Tuesday and Wednesday. Monday night she promises to call me Tuesday night and then have a nice, long conversation. She doesn't. She calls me at 1:20am to tell me she can't talk long, and that her friend (a girl who I hate due to her calling me controlling during the said drinking incident) broke up with her fiance. That made things a little better, but it still left me empty. She promised to call me the next afternoon. She had to get her cellphone replaced the next afternoon, and then called to tell me that she couldn't talk as she was spending the night with the same two friends she blew me off for on our anniversary.

 

That was last night. About 11:00, I got off the phone with her. We almost broke up because I felt she wasn't putting enough effort into things--sacrificing a night with her friends for a night with me. That's all i ask--to be more of a priority.

 

But in turn, she wanted me to become more independent. It is a fact that she is my muse--I don't think I could function without her. And with about two friends of my own and no job, I've been spending the past few days waiting for her to call. I'm clingy, paranoid, and can't eat when I'm not on good terms with her. I feel pathetic, and she warned me tonight that I need to develop some more independence or she'll leave me so I get some, even if she has to hurt herself to do it.

 

I need help. I live on Long Island, there's nothing I can find to do--I'm applying for some jobs, but I need to get some more independence. I can't do it on my own--help me stand on my own a little more!

 

So, please, online community, how can I be more independent?

 

~Terry Price

[greywolf]

Find things you like doing. Get more hobbies. I do agree that you need to be more independent. That's very important in LDRs. And I must say that I'm impressed that you've been together for 3 years without meeting each other. That must be terribly hard.

But I do agree that she could've spent more time with you on your anniversary.

[TerryPConcern]

Yeah. I am planning to visit her sometime in July--when I get a job i can discuss dates with my parents.

 

I was thinking things like checking out that new place link removed or something. I wanted to try out Capoeira, maybe try that out. Maybe work on some artwork... work on comics... etc...

[lucidloser]

Do you have any friends around to take you out? Make plans to go out and do things with your family, and take time to hang out with yourself.

Like go for a walk, to a coffee house, then sit and read a book you love...

go shopping maybe...find a new interesting website...

 

haha, i'm pretty tired right now though. sorry for being useless

[TerryPConcern]

No, no, it's fine. I have very few friends--about two that I actually hang out with, and one of them has the most protective mother I've ever met (she won't even let him go to the mall without an adult present).

 

My brother's home from college. I could do things with him, but he's in a new relationship, so he's busy with her.

 

I dunno. I need sleep. I haven't slept in days.

[Lana0120]

Dump her. Yes, you're coming accross as rather needy, as she's just making sure she has an outside life and time to spend with friends, but a quick five or ten minute phone call doesn't take much effort.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are not healthy enough right now to have a real romantic relationship, so you settle for this long distance fantasy rather than working on your relationship with yourself. Most healthy women would not go for someone as needy and paranoid as you. Why not commit to going to counseling, getting involved in outside activities - whatever you like to do - hike, volunteer work, swim, community theater, etc.

[lenni]

hey terry,

 

it is very cool that you are thinking about how you can work on yourself to make things better. all your ideas are great! capoeira would be really fun, go for it! you'll probably meet some other cool people too, who obviously have the same interest. i liked lucidloser's idea about going out to coffee shops, even if on your own. i do that a lot when i have to get school work done but don't want to be cooped up in my house. maybe you could work on your artwork in a coffee shop or in a park or something - just to get out!

 

i do think it really isn't so great that your girlfriend doesn't call when she says she will. even if she can't talk long because something has come up, it seems she ought to let you know that with a quick call at least.

 

but the best part about working on becoming more independent and finding things/people (outside your relationship) that bring you joy is that, whether or not it helps make your relationship better, it will make your life better as an individual!

[lenni]

oh, and i was going to ask you what island rock was but then i went to the link. looks great and a good way to meet more people. have fun!

[TerryPConcern]

Wow, Lana, Batya, that... that is the worst advice anyone's ever given me. I want help working on my end to become more independent while still maintaining this. 3 years is a long time to be in a relationship. I'm not going to end it because of this.

 

I don't agree with either of you. Usually I'm not this needy. I had testing all last week, and before that I had a bunch of assignments, and my father was admitted into the hospital because he got addicted to his pain meds after spinal surgery. On top of that, I had to take the SAT. Before that, I was fine. VERY happy--not very paranoid. But under stress I become more and more paranoid, and am prone to become needier than usual. I was overwhelmed by the last week of school and regents exams, and the comic I made her, and all of that (albeit the comic) dropped that happiness down to... pretty much depression. Then the anniversary let down just made things worse. On top of this, I f**ked up my sleeping pattern, so I've been dealing with that and not having anything to do this week because I've been waking up around 3:30-4:00pm.

 

I don't need counseling--I'm fine working on things on my own. Greywolf's help last night really did wonders--I'm making plans, I have a concert tomorrow and I'm hanging out with a friend, maybe seeing a movie. I applied for a few jobs, and I'm looking into Capoeira. I'm actually a lot better today. I guess I was just having a bit of a breakdown, which is normal for myself.

 

I can work things out with her. I always have been able to, and I believe I always will be able to. I know that I love her, and I know this is real, not fantasy. I spent years trying to get a grip on my reality, and this is a part of what I've been able to grasp.

[TerryPConcern]

Wow. Thanks. You just compensated for the poor advice of the two people above you with that.

[Batya33]

Thanks for your input on my advice and good luck with your cyber friend (and that is the perspective from which I gave my advice - if you keep telling yourself that this interaction is the same as a real life romantic relationship, that will not in my humble opinion give you the right perspective from which to evaluate the relationship and more importantly to evaluate why you would choose to be involved in this mainly fantasy interaction rather than meeting people in real life if you truly want a relationship, especially when all indications are that she is not that into you even as far as typing and talking).

 

I don't think it's nice for anyone you know to be unreliable and not call when they say they will, no matter how you met them or what the relationship is.

 

I'm not surprised at your "feedback" - it's far more comfortable to ignore work one needs to do on oneself and go in circles chasing a fantasy - then you get to tell yourself that you're doing it all for love, and for your dream woman. Much harder to get real and examine what's really going on. That's why I recommended seeing a counselor - but that would take a level of effort that it doesn't sound like you're willing to put in; you'd rather lash out at those who would dare to suggest that.

 

In particular, what you wrote:

 

--"I don't think I could function without her. And with about two friends of my own and no job, I've been spending the past few days waiting for her to call. I'm clingy, paranoid, and can't eat when I'm not on good terms with her. I feel pathetic, and she warned me tonight that I need to develop some more independence or she'll leave me so I get some, even if she has to hurt herself to do it."

 

is a classic example of someone who needs help from a professional - and there's no shame in that, in fact if you did get help that would be a courageous act on your part.

 

good luck!