Gatz Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Almost 3 months ago I met a very pretty woman while taking a walk in my neighborhood. We instantly hit it off and exchanged phone numbers and email. Before long (2-3 days) we were talking frequently and spending time together. During the first couple weeks there was always tension between us because our relationship was not defined as friends or more. I was taking it slow and being cautious due to how close (100+/- yards) we live to each other. I've had experience dating people that live within walking distance to my home and it can cause problems. Anyway, we eventually had somewhat of a talk one night and she told me that she's not ready to date anyone, recently moved here after a breakup, has to concentrate on work, etc. She also said that she feels the best relationships begin as friends friends. I thought it was great we finally cleared the issue up and I had no problem just being friends. Since then we speak/text/email each other a lot more often, spend more time together and spend a lot time with the same group of friends. People do think we are dating because of how close we are and the way we act with one another. Actually, sometimes it feels like we are dating without the sex. One of the confusing parts of our "friendship" is that she goes through "cold" periods for around a week where I can sense a distance she is putting between us. The first time she acted strangely I had a talk with her and she said it was because she doesn't share the same feelings that I have towards her. I thought that was odd, said nothing really in reply and before long we were back to being best friends. Also she gets jealous of me talking to or speaking about other woman (past/present). And then recently, to make things more confusing, we kissed (nothing more), spent the night together and cuddled. The next day she told me we can't jump into a relationship, which I replied "OK" and thought it was a onetime thing and we'll continue to be friends. Needless to say, I'm now going through one of her "cold" periods where we speak but there's distance. I'm very confused as to what her intentions are. She tells me we're nothing more than friends, but her actions tell me the complete opposite. I can tell by her actions, body language and the way she looks at me that she's attracted to me or maybe more. My thought is that she's confused as well. She may not be ready to date, may be scared as well, but does have feelings for me. I could be wrong. I should also state that I'm very closed off emotionally and don't easily open up. So she could have no idea what I'm feeling/thinking. I would be open to the possibility of dating her since she's very attractive and we have great chemistry. But I would also be happy remaining friends. Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Link to comment
AbsentMaverick Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Ignore your feelings and fine someone else. Link to comment
SupaflyTNT Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Ignore your feelings and fine someone else. In a nutshell, yes, this is what you need to do. She's not acting like she is interested in you. She's actually acting like she likes you around for an ego boost. If she was interested then she wouldn't be playing these hot and cold games with you. This girl is going to hurt you if you stick around, she'll eventually find a guy that she really does want to be with and then she'll stop speaking to you entirely. I don't even recommend remaining friends with her seeing as you obviously want more and she's never going to be able to reciprocate that. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 If you're really attracted to each other, and have some chemistry, I say to give it more time. She may have gone through some rough times, and she's not ready to be open about it yet. It may take time for her to build trust again, among other things. I wouldn't give up as of yet, especially if you feel a connection. Just my opinion, but I think some people give up too easily. Link to comment
SupaflyTNT Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 If you're really attracted to each other, and have some chemistry, I say to give it more time. She may have gone through some rough times, and she's not ready to be open about it yet. It may take time for her to build trust again, among other things. I wouldn't give up as of yet, especially if you feel a connection. Just my opinion, but I think some people give up too easily. Attraction and chemistry mean nothing here, she's emotionally unavailable right now and she'll keep playing this game with you. It's going to mess with your head every time, that's why you're posting this on this forum. Get some distance and if she really, really wants to be with you then she'll contact you when she gets her head straight. If you wait around for her it will be an indefinite amount of time, who knows when she's going to figure her life out? Why would you put your life on hold for someone that isn't even sure about what they want or if they even want you? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Attraction and chemistry mean nothing here, she's emotionally unavailable right now and she'll keep playing this game with you. It's going to mess with your head every time, that's why you're posting this on this forum. I think you "jumped the gun" here. He stated that he did indeed feel the attraction, and chemistry with her. He also stated that he has difficulty opening up, and showing emotion...so to speak. I think you're being too harsh in judging her, as in saying, "she'll keep playing this game with you." Link to comment
SupaflyTNT Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think you're being too harsh in judging her, as in saying, "she'll keep playing this game with you." Just my experience talking. I could be completely wrong, that's entirely possible and I won't deny it. But how long should he wait for her to figure it out? Days? Months? Years? Not worth it IMO but that's just me. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 welcome to enotalone. i think you need to listen to her WORDS, but not her actions. she's telling you she doesn't share the same feelings for you, that she isn't ready to date. i think she's keeping you around for an ego boost, because you make her feel desired, but she doesn't want to be in a relationiship with you. i think that when you start moving on, talking with another girl, she might feel sort of jealous that another girl will take attention away from her. i think she likes having you as a 'backup plan.' yuck. i'd take some distance from her, while you get over her, and move on and start dating other girls. if she complains, just say that she is the one who wanted to be friends, and friends don't stop friends from dating! hang in there. move on and find a new girl who DOES want to date you! Link to comment
Gatz Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 Thank you for all the responses. I should say that I'm not pursuing anything more than a friendship with her. I'm just looking for some understanding of what may be going on with her and some normalcy to this friendship. The constant ups and downs do get tiring. I am able to maintain myself in the same friendly and consistent manner towards her. I just don't understand why she can't do the same. In regards to dating her, I'd be stupid not to be open to at least the possibility. We have chemistry, attraction and friendship. But I do understand she's definitely not ready for that sort of thing. Link to comment
Excalibur Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 The last thing any woman wants is ambivalence about "if you want to be friends ,we'll be friends - if you want to be more - we'll be more." Just move on - you're more confused than she is frustrated. Link to comment
Raph Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Obviously she can't maintain it as a platonic relationship. You might find it a good idea to find out why she acts that way, then again it might not be a good idea to get involved. You know exactly what you want to do, and it is not a bad idea. But what I'm not sure about is why you would call it a platonic relationship if you both would have romantic feelings for each other, and you're confused so that suggests you are potentially open to a romantic relationship - can hardly be called platonic then. If it's platonic, then you can't be having romantic thoughts, just camaraderie - a close friend whose familiar face is always welcome but feeling doesn't go to sexual depths. I have a platonic relationship with a really good friend, and it's almost like as if we've known each other our whole lives, even though it's only been just more than a year and a quarter - but that's because we're so close in age and are at the same intellectual level as each other. There's nothing really confusing between us. Platonic relationships are very defined in the sense that you don't do anything sexually between the two. I just treat her like I would a male friend, i.e. I ignore the gender without having to say "please" and "beg your pardon" like I would have to to most other girls who would always get into a huff (I am kind of kidding here). I think my friend ignores my gender as well, though obviously now and then I go and make jokes about both males and females. Life is meant to be just jokes and helping each other out in a platonic relationship. Stop feeling confused It's not a sign of a platonic relationship if you do feel confused. I'm not sure about chemistry, but truly platonic friends (between male and female) do get on really well with each other. I'm not sure if they can get into a healthy romantic relationship though, and may ruin an otherwise perfect friendship. But I'm not going to say that's the last word on the matter Link to comment
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