Cheap/stingy friend

[kiwifly]

My closest friend of 10+ years has recently started to act really tight with her money. She comes from a well-off family, holds a well-paying job (and even has a second one just so she can get more money in) and still lives with her parents, yet when it comes to spending any of it she makes a big deal even out of the smallest things. The reason why I'm bringing this up here is because her stinginess is really effecting our friendship. We don't even go out to expensive places - I'm talking about the cheapest coffee place on the block - and yet she still stands there and talks about how to order the cheapest cup or the cheapest snack to go with it (she'll make a comment even about 20 cents!). Even last night, we wanted to try out a new place to eat. We had no idea what the prices would be like, and I have to admit they were a bit on the higher side than usual but I figured I could afford just one night like that. Her? The entire time she kept complaining how expensive it was, and whenever the waiter came by she would make it clear to him she wasn't happy with their prices. She talks about these things out loud and it's just becoming embarrassing, especially at events when things are free - she'll stand there eating the food even when she's not hungry, simply because it's free! I'm at the point where I don't even want to go out with her anymore.

 

I understand how there's a fine line between being responsible with your money and being cheap, but I think she's clearly crossed that line. I mean, I don't even have as much money as her, but I always manage it so that I have money to spend to go out with friends. Any ideas on what I can do? She gets easily upset too so I'm not sure how to begin approaching her about this...

[Clementine orange]

Rich people get rich by not spending money.

 

"whenever the waiter came by she would make it clear to him she wasn't happy with their prices" tacky, tacky, tacky - I'd be mortified.

[BellaDonna]

The entire time she kept complaining how expensive it was, and whenever the waiter came by she would make it clear to him she wasn't happy with their prices. She talks about these things out loud and it's just becoming embarrassing, especially at events when things are free - she'll stand there eating the food even when she's not hungry, simply because it's free! I'm at the point where I don't even want to go out with her anymore.

 

 

Oh my goodness- that must have been so embarrassing!

 

If it were me, I would probably refrain from going anywhere with her that requires money. (But that can be tough) Is she also one of those friends that always makes you do the driving if you go somewhere together?

 

If I were in your situation and she asks to go out again, I would probably say something along the lines of "Are you SURE you want to go out and eat? The last few times we went you made me feel like I was torturing you, & you kept telling the waiter how bad you thought the prices were. It was really a downer and not very fun for me. I was actually a little embarrassed."

 

Or if she starts complaining as soon as you sit down, I'd say something simple like "Do you want to leave?"

 

I'm very financially responsible and I HATE being in situations with people like that.

 

In fact, my grandma does it all the time in the stores and it drives me nuts....she'll complain that toothpaste is "expensive" and order water in a restaurant....but then I remind her how she goes to the casino and wastes her money on nothing. But she is in her 80's so at least there is a generational excuse there because of some of the historical times she faced when money was really tight, especially since she grew up in poverty.

 

If a friend my own age was acting like that I don't think I could stomach it- especially if she/he was well-off.

[Abadabbadoo]

Sounds like something else might be going on w/ her. Sometimes families that are well off aren't necessarily healthy around money, and end up expressing it the way your friend is acting.

 

Reminds me of my not-soon-enough-to-be-legally-ex-H btw. And if I was buying, he'd get REALLY disrespectful of my limits.

 

Any way you could shift your time with her to settings in which neither money nor consumption (e.g. free stuff) is involved? And like Bella Donna pointed out, someplace where you can meet w/o anyone driving?

[dream83]

LOL wow. I'd hate to see her on free sample day at the grocery store. I agree with the others on not doing the driving, not spending extra money etc. since she's making such a big deal and embarrassing you. Maybe you two should start meeting up at the park everyday and bringing your own water from home. See how much she likes that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have known people like that...usually they are pretty liberal in spending when it is on someone else's dime! People who are that cheap tend to worship money to the point that it becomes all-consuming...and they tend to be greedy and selfish. Like drug, alcohol, gambling, porn and other addicitons, or eating disorders, obsessions with saving money can change a person's personality because they are completely driven by money. If she has never been like this before and is suddenly becoming like this now, you might want to sit down and have a talk with her to find out what is going on with her...is she under some kind of stress...is she saving for something big...or is it just her personality that is changing.

[capbit]

I can relate to that, many of my relatives are somewhat like your friend, but maybe not as extreme. I remember visiting my uncle a few years back and when they took me out to dinner, they took me to Mcdonalds. At the time he was the dean of a respected prep school. While his family is well off, he was raised in a lower class home and was brought up to be frugal. I think just because someone is well off doesn't mean that they will live the lifestyle others expect.

You can try to do things together with your friend that doesn't involve spending money. You never know, she could be having some financial trouble.

[Anotherday]

Gosh, this would be tough to deal with, but since she's your closest and best friend for over 10 years, I guess you do need to address it. There are tactful ways of doing this and not so tactful. I would stick to I statements, as in I feel. Not sure whether humor or just coming straight out with it would work better. Good luck.

[kiwifly]

When we go out we do take turns when it comes to who is driving, but with recent gas prices she doesn't want to go too far off and we're stuck within a 5 min driving radius around our houses.

 

I think I will limit it to places where people don't have to spend money as you say. It is hard that's for sure, especially since we're both at an age where we should be out meeting people instead of isolating ourselves to places where only really old or really young people go! But I guess I have no choice right now since as you say, everytime I go out with her I not only feel embarrassed but I also feel like I'm torturing her with having to spend money...

[kiwifly]

LOL wow. I'd hate to see her on free sample day at the grocery store. I agree with the others on not doing the driving, not spending extra money etc. since she's making such a big deal and embarrassing you. Maybe you two should start meeting up at the park everyday and bringing your own water from home. See how much she likes that.

 

haha I think I'll try that...it's almost my only option at this time anyway

[kiwifly]

I have known people like that...usually they are pretty liberal in spending when it is on someone else's dime! People who are that cheap tend to worship money to the point that it becomes all-consuming...and they tend to be greedy and selfish. Like drug, alcohol, gambling, porn and other addicitons, or eating disorders, obsessions with saving money can change a person's personality because they are completely driven by money. If she has never been like this before and is suddenly becoming like this now, you might want to sit down and have a talk with her to find out what is going on with her...is she under some kind of stress...is she saving for something big...or is it just her personality that is changing.

 

I think it's her personality, since she's pleased with her life in every other aspect - or at least that's what she tells me. But I think I will eventually have to talk with her about it if it gets any worse, since it's seriously limiting what we can do and it's making me feel bad about even bothering to go out with her afterwards.