he's killing me when he says he doesnt want me .....

[meeso]

ive been dating this guy for 11 months now and ive never felt about someone like this ever in my life..i truly do love him with all i have to offer....but hes the jealous type i dunno what to call it really if i do something he doesnt like we'd end up arguin and not talkin. one day he says he loves me and the next he calls me a hes been aggressive a couple of times and i put up with it cus i love him but i dunno what to do at times i cant let go of him and he says he cant leave me but the other day we argued over somethin so pathetic and he thanks god hes not with me anymore...all he said was let me see u live ur life without me now......ive put up with a lot of with parents school and friends for this guy and i dunno what to do i cant leave him or even let go it breaks my heart im soo attached to him why does he treat me like this ive given him more than he asked for ive opened up to him so bad hes like my light basically and i dunno what to do without him and now he doesnt want me what shall i do. we argue over very stupid things he wont let me talk to my friends i cant talk to guys im not allowed out of the house...he cheated on me and im still with him if he hears me sayin that a guy is cute hed concider that cheatin i dunno what to do im so depressed these days he wasnt like this at all he doesnt trust me i dunno why ive tried talkin to him about it but he told me thats the way he is and if i dont like it then i should hit the highway which i really cant i keep holdin on to him so bad. i really love him and i wish someone would make it really obvious to him!! hes killlllling me he really is..... how can i prove to him that i love him HOW?!?!?! pls help me i duno what to do

[enadevoli]

i would really suggest that you are careful with this guy. him calling you those names would be considered mental abuse (at least in my opinion). it can turn to more, especially since you said he can be aggressive, so just be careful. don't let him have his way with you just because you love him. if he is hurting you then you are not going to be happy & its only going to get worse. in my opinion, you shouldnt have to prove to him that you love him. all you can do is tell him that & show him that through how you treat him & if he can't see it then, then it will be hard for him to see it at all. he needs to trust you. what i find weird is that you are saying that you want to prove to him that you love him when through his actions he treats you so badly. he does not own you, you can do what you want & go where you want & talk to who you want. do not let him control you. you are your own person so you make the rules for yourself. its funny how when people who cheat accuse the other one of cheating & being untrustworthy just because thats what they did. i know you don't want to hear this, but in my opinion, this guy is a jerk. look at how he treats you... you don't deserve that. no one does. he really is killing you slowly right now. you would be so much happier without him. trust me, there are so many guys out there who deserve the love you have to give. its hard for you to see it now, but think about all this because i don't want any thing to happen.

[The Morrigan]

Whoa and hold on...

 

You DO realize you're describing a controlling and abusive relationship here, don't you?

 

He calls you names, cheats on you, doesn't allow you to see your friends, doesn't allow you your freedom... this is not a healthy relationship, hon.

 

One thing he was absolutely right about - no amount of love, understanding, or anything else can change him. You aren't responsible for him being like this. You aren't responsible for making him change. You can't make him change into the person you thought he was and acted like in the beginning. HE has to truly WANT to change, and make a sincere effort - and he's told you he's not interested. That's a huge red flag that at this point in his life - what you've experienced from him is ALL you can expect from him - except like most controllers and abusers, he will escalate and get worse over time.

 

I am sorry to have to be so blunt, but from everything you've said here, this is a situation I'm terrified you'll go back to, for thinking it's YOU who's at fault for "making him act like this." And it wouldn't surprise me if his behavior escalated into the physical either - what's to stop him? He's isolated you from the world and your friends and got you in the position you're utterly dependent on him for how you feel about yourself. Please, please, PLEASE do yourself a favor and call someone from a domestic abuse hotline, and describe to them what you've described here. To give you an idea, here is a basic list of some of the red flags - and answering YES to even ONE of these is an indication you need to look at your relationship and evaluate whether or not it's abusive:

 

Does your partner:

 

* Embarrass you with bad names and put-downs?

* Control what you do, who you see or talk to, and/or where you go?

* Stop you from seeing or talking to friends and/or family?

* Prevent you from getting or keeping a job?

* Take your money, make you ask for money, and/or refuse to give you money?

* Make all of the decisions?

* Look ar you or act in ways that scare you?

* Shove, slap, or hit you?

* Destroy your property?

* Threaten to hurt or kill your pets?

* Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?

* Coerce you into dropping, or never filing, criminal charges against partner?

* Act like their abusive behavior is no big deal, tell you it's your fault, or deny it happened?

* Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

* Threaten to harm or kill you?

 

You can't love him enough to change him - the only thing you CAN do is love YOURSELF enough to recognize when you're in a relationship that's dangerous to your health - mental and/or physical, and take steps to get out of the cycle and heal. Please call someone and get a professional opinion if you don't want to think it - but do at least that much for yourself. link removed has several hotlines and more material to read - please call someone before you're trapped even further in this cycle.

[stuckonlex]

Your last question was how can i prove my love to him, he knows that you love him with all your heart thats why he keeps doing what hes doing. Because he know you love him and that he is your whole life, because that is what he has made your life to be by stopping you from seeing friends and going out and having fun. He has made it so the only time you feel special is when your around him, and even then you feel like crap. Listen i just got out of bad relationship myself, my ex girlfriend was a real something. She would constantly put me down in front of my friends, i would say im going out for the night, she would complain and make me feel guitly so i wouldn't go. Even when i was going to see my brother for one night that i haven't seen in a year she pulled a guilt trip and made me feel like i was abanding her. So trust me i know when we broke up i felt like my whole life was gone, because basically it was slowly but steadily she took over all of my life and my time. So when we broke up i had no friends left and basically no life because my whole life was devoted to her. And the really sad thing was after we broke up i still wanted her back and i thought i couldn't live with out her. So my advise to you is GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW!!!!!!!

You have to get out of this relationship before you get stuck to this guy more then you are now, when you brake up with him you may feel really really bad and want to get back with him, BUT DON"T if you can avoid all contact with him. If you need someone to talk to there alot of people on this site that can give good advise. Trust me a month or so after the relationship is over you will look back and you will look at yourself and think how could I have been like that with that guy, how could i have acted like that.

So please get out of this relationship, The real question you should be asking is how can I love mysefl for being with this guy.

[meeso]

he left me after....and now my whole world has come crashing down he doesnt seem to care and im totally lost rite now i dunno what to do my exams r comin up and i cant study i cant do anything.........he shows no emotion what so ever he doesnt seem to care and thats just drivin me insane!!.....i dunno what to do im so hurt he makes me feel as if hes my whole life i have no one to talk to no one to be with except for him hes everythin i have and now hes gone .....help!

[Mar]

Meeso-listen to what you're saying, and what we're saying in response to your question. THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WHATSOEVER!!! He's made you a prisoner in your home, he ignores you, he distrusts you, he's controlling and manipulative-what possible reason do you have to keep yourself in this abusive relationship? None whatsoever. THIS is what you call "love"? Why do you think those friends and family give you such grief over him? Because they see how worthless and abusive he is too, same as anyone here, and they don't want to see you hurt.

 

Sweetie, this guy doesn't know the first thing about love, he knows control and power over you. You've shown him love, and respect and concern and caring-what's he given you in return? Any of these? No, he has not. That's not love. He doesn't love you, he loves the idea that you love him, that's ALL. No relationship can be healthy when someone dominates their partner as he's doing to you. And I don't think you can see what's happening to you because you've fallen for him so hard.

 

Take a step back and try to look at this objectively. In reading the Morriagan's quick questionaire about abusive relationships, I saw several "yes" answers to your situation. Do you like being made to feel worthless? I highly doubt it. Do you deserve it? Of COURSE NOT. No one does. Yet, this is what you're getting from this man you love.

 

Get out of this relationship before it escalates into bad physical abuse. You already said he's gotten "aggressive" with you. What, shoved you? Knocked you down? Slapped you? When is it going to be time to call this quits? When you're in the hospital with broken bones, only because you loved him? I don't want to see you end up there, and neither does anyone else here. And I'm afraid that's where it's heading. You've put up with him domineering you this far, which has only gone to his head. What's to prevent him from taking a swing at you when you've done something else to "displease" him? Absolutely nothing.

 

I sincerely hope you can read the wisdom in what we've said, and see this man for who he is. He's an arrogant, egotistical, domineering, abusive, unloving type that will NEVER appreciate what you give him. Think about it, okay?

 

Mar

[The Morrigan]

Ok hon, stop and take a DEEP breath here - you need to try to get a grip for a minute and think, at least long enough to get just a little control back, ok? Emoting in all directions is only going to make you feel MORE trapped and helpless - so let's see if there are some things you DO have control over here.

 

You don't have any control over him - so shelve that thought for the moment. No, it's not going to be easy to heal from a relationship where you'd given up much of your independence and control to someone else - but you have to start somewhere.

 

You know those friends you'd lost most contact with? Try and think about which one might be able to give you the most support here, and who has a healthy sense of self, as well as being a good listener - pick up the phone and call. Same with your family - that you feel like you have to deal with this alone is part of what he's left you with - it's not the reality. Nobody needs to deal with this alone. It isn't weak to need help, it's not wrong or shameful to admit you can't deal alone. There is a certain strength in recognizing your limits - and being willing to act on that, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Don't tie yourself up in knots - take some action.

 

If you don't feel like you can reach out to your friends or family, call a counselor, a hotline, go to a local religious counselor if there's one of your faith. Just remember there ARE people you can talk to who will offer help if you ask it - all that remains is for you to reach out so they KNOW you need that help.

[meeso]

i'll try everything u guys have said i know hes been aggressive and all that but i cant let go easily......i dunno i think im just not willin to try...i really do love this guy i mean really love him!!!! i believed he did for a while because hed go through anything for me and hed do anything for me but then i dunno it just seemed to become less every time and although he stil did things up till the day we broke up i dont feel as though he loves me ive tried talkin to my friends but they always blame me and say its my fault and they sit and talk badly bout him which offends me it hurts really my parents rnt understandin at all!! so i cant talk to them...he did tell me hes goin to leave me to sort things out in my life and then i can come back to him but that was b4 we broke up......but i look at it yes there is a lot for me to sort out but how i mean how he took every single bit of brains that was left in me im sooo stupid !!!i miss him like hell i need to hear his voice b4 i go to sleep i got so used to that i mean it was like that for 11months ive never been in a relationship that lasted this long ........this is like a wold record for me.....im so confused i dont want to make him look bad u know yes hes done a lot of things but i truly do believe thats not him he even said it to me hes like when it comes to u every single little thing would make me lose my temper i asked y hes like because i dont want to lose u to anything. but at times he forces me to do things behind his back i mean if i ask him if i can go out with my parents hed say no so i do go out but with out tellin him which makes me feel guilty and then he gets to find out and an argument comes up between us....and then i feel like its all my fault.....i keep blamin myself for this and he keeps sayin i bring this all onto myself how i dunno when hes the one forcin me to do things i spoke to an elder person bout this and he was with me so we had a chat the three of us and she used to think he wasnt a good guy for me but affter the chat she changed her mind and told me that i should be the one pullin up my act!! so i dunno really what to do he left me now so were not together anymore but i miss him soooo much!!!!!!

[meeso]

i think im one of the stupidest peopl you could ever find in this world..i called him today because i had to know when i could give him back some of his things and i was cryin like a child i couldnt believe it i said bye and i closed the phone.....he then called me back later on in the day...i ignored the first five times but then i couldnt help it i picked up and answered very coldly...but then he said dont u want this chance and i told him y so u could break my heart again....he went queit and me being so weak and stupid i said ok!!! i dunno and now i regret it i know anyway in a couple of days its gonna be over again and im gonna come here and complain to u guys again!! im such an idiot!! help me pls im really stuck and i think im blind too i refuse to see the truth or live reality help me!

[avman]

Meeso,

 

I understand it can be so hard to leave an abusive relationship. I've gathered some information for you to take a look at. This may help you understand why you feel the way that you do.

 

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Please read these over and come back to us for more help. We do want to help you get stronger and leave this abusive relationship. My thoughts are with you.

 

avman

[meeso]

i told him how i feel and that im not a toy for him to play around with my feelings but he wouldnt listen to me and called me names....which despite the fact that im used to it it offended me and then he said how much he hated me and that he doesnt love me anymore.....is he really tellin me the truth or is he just ticked off at me... and tellin me this to put me down and get me hurt?!?!and now we dont talk and no relationship at all

its new years eve and i know hes out partyin but i cant stand the fact that he might be with another person i dunno whether i want him or not now but i dont want to lose him i know that for sure.......i cant have him be with another person i just cant and y i duno i dont want to lose him and i dont want him to go how can i get him back but still have my word and say in the relationship......u know because hes a guy he thinks hes always right and everything should be done his way cus hes a guy.!! so how can i get him back and have a good realtionship but not have things always go his way?!?! how how how!!.......i dont want to start the year like this i want everything to work out between us pls help me im hurt and confused and i cnt cry anymore my eyes r swollen and red i just dont know wut to do anymore everything reminds me of him everything and i cant let go i cant let go despite the violence i dunno im only 16 but i wasnt afraid to be commited to this person!! help me pls!!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! hope u guys r havin fun!!

[playmate0925]

All I can tell you, is let him go. It seems like the reason you don't want to let him go is simply because you're so used to having him there. What you need to do is stop talking to him, I know this seems hard but it's the only way to start moving on. I was in a relationship for a year and 8 months, and in those last few months my guy basically depended on me for his happiness. He would call me and he would be crying, saying that I treat him terrible (which isn't true, I supported him throughout this whole phase he went though), and he would break up with me several times in a day and then say that he can't live without me. It was emotionally exhausting, he would threaten suicide if he thought he was going to lose me. One day he eventually said he didn't need me in order for him to be happy, and so I took the opportunity and broke up with him then and there. He cried, and came by my house to give me some of my stuff back. Eventually he got over me and continued happily with his life.

 

You'll get over him, it just takes time. You may not have him to be there for you, like my ex had me for him, but you'll be okay.

Also, stop calling him and crying to him. I know this sounds terrible, but it's probably aggrivating him and that only makes him act worse.

 

What you need to do is learn how to make yourself happy. You've depended on him way too much, and now that he isn't holding you up, you've fallen. Pick yourself up and stand on your own two feet. If he tries to come back to you again, don't let him. You're better off without him.

[meeso]

u guys thanks a lot for ur help......i gave him a call yesterday just to um make sure when can i give him his stuff back and hes like i hate u and i dont want to have anythin to do with u i dont want to hear ur voice or ur name anywhere near me....i still dont understand why he hates me so much could he be doin this to just get to me piss me off and put me through mre pain and hurt than i am right now......

i was readin a post for someone earlier and someone mentioned to confront the person and tell him/her how u feel and how bad hes been causin u pain especially to ppl who r there and suddenly flip 360 and are different do u know what im sayin .should i tell him how i feel i mean he knows i already told him like i dunno uncountable times but what can i do now pls u guys i really want him in my life....hes everything to me.....i just dunno anymore

[grinand bearit]

Meeso,

I don't think there is anything more to do right now. You told him over and over how you feel. He can't or won't feel for you--he sounds like he doesn't care what you are going through.

I have been in your shoes, please believe me. We understand way too much about the one we love, we understand when they treat us badly and we tolerate it because we love them. Then, when we want the same kind of love and understanding from them, it just isn't there.

The hardest thing is to see that it isn't there. It will never be there, not because we didn't do enough or explain enough or love enough, but because they are abusive people, unable to love the way we all deserve to be loved.

I spent more than five years doing what you are doing now, off and on. In between things were wonderful. Then, we.d have a disagreement and he would tell me exactly the things your bf told you. I have been pushed, strangled, thrown to the ground, left by the side of the road miles from home, stolen from and worse.

At my neediest, I once walked 3 miles from where he left me to his house at 2 in the morning and crawled into bed next to him, grateful that he allowed me to be there!

Please, don't contact him again. Be miserable, miss him all you want. It won't kill you. You need time to heal. Let a long time go by and work on feeling like yourself, yout true self--not the one he saw.

 

Grinandbearit

[usedtobestrong]

Hi I read your postings and I too was in a very abusive, controlling relationship. (48 Hours into a break with an abusive man is my post) The wounds are still fresh and I am healing but believe me when I tell you I understand your pain and desperation. But you should really think how lucky you are that you do not have to put up with this person's BS anymore. I still miss him but after only three weeks I realize I do not need him. What I am learing over time is that all you really need is yourself and when you are involved with someone who is controlling and you have been controlled, the biggest loss is you. And really when you lose that then you have nothing. Try to remember the person you were before him and spend your time and energy trying to reclaim those things about yourself that you love. It is very hard but if you go through the motions after awhile you will start to feel it. I had to cut off all contact and with even such a short sepration ( we were together 4 years and living together 3 years) I see how much time and energy I gave away. and really it is lost, now think where I would be if I had given myself half of what I gave him? Honestly, I would have spent more of my days happy than sad. I wish you the best and breaking it off is like the flu... at first you feel terrible and want to die, than you start to feel better and get your energy back and one day you wake up and forgot you were sick at all. I wish you the best and please take care of yourself. Oddly enough I still have bad days but they are now the good ones are starting to out number them.