Being friends with ex

[Archangel79]

Ok il make this really short. My bf broke up with me after being together for 5 years 4 weeks ago. He asked me to be friends and though I want him back so badly I agreed telling him that was fine. We met up on Sunday and had a really nice time but just as friends. I desperately wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him but i controlled myself. Later that night I text him saying I ha a really nice time and he text back saying he did too. The next day I asked him if we could hang out regularly as we both get on really well. He sent me this message "last night was fun but it was still a little awkward. I kept getting an impression from you but I dont know what. I feel a little strange about it. Call me later tonight?". I called him up that night but he said he was tired and didnt want to talk right now. I told him Im sorry if I was a little quiet but Ive been going through some stuff with a mate of mine (which I have) I asked him what he thought about us being friends and he said "lets play it by ear". This friend Im having problems with has been stalking me and added my ex on facebook who doesnt even know her. I text him yesterday asking him not to as she was a nutter and he called me and asked if I was ok and what was going on. Im not sure what hes feeling or if i should leave him alone. I mean we had such a good time when we met up but something seems to pull him back.

[SapphireNoir10]

Your torturing yourself! Hes made it clear he doesnt want to be with you and you can't be his friend until your over him because you'll be clinging onto that hope he'll realise hes made a mistake and ask for you back. This means you'll never get over him and move on with your life. I think the best thing to do is No Contact. Your not ruining your chances by going No contact, if you just cut him out your life, you'll get over him, and theres always the chance he'll realise what hes missing and ask for you back, even if you arent contacting him he can still contact you so if he wants you back you'll know. But until then dont contact him and DONT sleep with him. He can't have you, and have the best of the single world and you. Right now he knows he still has you. Let him go, go no contact, improve yourself and move on.

[coolbloke1978]

For your own sanity dont be friends. PLEASE. At least not for now. Just send him a message and be honest. "Look I think we can be friends but not right now. I will contact you when I'm ready" That way you've distanced yourself and are in control. Friends talk about dates and their conquests. Will you be able to handle this guy talking about those things with you? I don't think so. Take control of the situation. If he realises hes losing you he might reconsider.

[Langeveldt]

Being friends can only work if you have no problem with them moving on.. It's a very tough thing to do while you still have feelings for them, which you obviously doing.. Could you still be friends if/when they have a new partner?

 

It's very tough following advice like this though I can tell you.. Especially when you start missing all the things that gave you two a connection in the first place.. But friendship can hurt more than losing them altogether..

[Mustang]

Speaking from experience, it is impossible to jump from a relationship to a friendship.

 

I wish I had walked away when my ex wanted to break up with me. She was in tears when I said that I didn't want to hang around and be a friend. She said she didn't want to lose me completely. In my weak state I sent her a text a few weeks later saying something pathetic like "I'd rather have you in my life as a friend then not at all". She responded with "that's exactly what I wanted to hear! I am so please. How are you?"

 

What happened after that was 5 months of LC that never progressed beyond a few text messages every now and then to "catch up". I wanted her back. I obviously showed her that. I kept trying to arrange a meet up as friends. She'd agree but say "in a few weeks". A few weeks would go by and nothing would ever come of it. In April, I had enough. I told her I still loved her and had to cut contact because it was killing me. She responded to my email giving me "closure" for the first time ever - although her reasons for dumping me were quite vague and she didn't say we'd never get back together or that she was over me. But I was ready to move on. I lasted five weeks and honestly, by the end, I felt in control. I felt like I had the power. I could contact her when I wanted not the other way around. She was "waiting" for me.

 

Sadly, I fell off the wagon and I am now back to square one to a certain extent. I love and miss her more than anything. I went through hell and I am still going through it. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is but I don't wish anybody to go through what I've been through. It is all my own fault and you have the power to prevent yourself from being hurt anymore. I wish I had remained strong in November. I would have moved on ages ago. But instead, I hung around with hope. I thought "it's just a matter of time". Maybe it is. But clinging to someone that doesn't return the favour is the worst pain in the world.

 

Protect yourself and rant to us on here.

[Archangel79]

I just miss him so much. I feel like Ive lost a huge part of my life when I lost him. I cant sleep at night and I feel so heartbroken and in pain. Words cant even express how it feels in my heart and stomach. He seems really happy and like he has moved on whereas I really am in pieces. It feels my life is in standstill and Im just hoping he will call and tell me what a big mistake hes made but i know it wont happen as he is too proud. Im clinging on to anything where I can get to see him and hang out and it makes me happy for a few hours but then Im back at square 1 and more uspet than ever when its time to say goodbye

[Clabs]

Honey - please please please do yourself a huge favour and remind yourself just how awfully this man treated you.

 

I know that there are aspects of your relationship that you do miss, but do you miss the abuse?

 

Come on hun - walk away from this.

 

Mark

[Archangel79]

Thank you for your advice. I live a street away from from and Im considering moving away so I can have a fresh new start with no memories of us. This must be the lowest point in my life and Im really hoping that this experience will make me a stronger person. I know lots of people have gone through similar or worst experiences and I think Im doing this to myself by being in touch with him as when i do text him and he doesnt reply it ends up eating at me and im constantly checking my mobile to see if he replied. He usually responds to my messages every now and again and isnt consistent. Like he doenst want to give me any mixed signals.

[Archangel79]

I know Clabs what you are saying. I really really do. But it just feels so empty without him being in my life and I have been going out and seeing friends but its not the same. I cant relax and feel like I shouldnt be happy and forgetting him if that makes sense

[Langeveldt]

Thank you for your advice. I live a street away from from and Im considering moving away so I can have a fresh new start with no memories of us. .

 

I've moved continents twice as the result of one girl.. A fresh start can work wonders.. New friends, a new environment.. Good luck

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah, when I broke up with my boyfriend I considered moving away, we got back together though, but I made arrangements to go to London or anywhere far away, ready to make a fresh start. You'll still hurt, it wont magically fix anything, but you will feel better not having to see him and not having the memories

 

It will take time You sound very brave, what happened with you two?

[Clabs]

Honey - for your own wellbeing you have to keep away.

 

You may feel empty and lonely now but if you stay away then that feeling will slowly pass. Whilst you accept this crappy friendship title you will just beat yourself up and keep it all raw - like keep pulling a scab off an old wound.

 

I personally wouldn't normally recommend moving away because of an ex, but if this is an option for you and you are weak then it might be a good idea.

 

But you must stay away.

 

Mark

[Archangel79]

It feel so easy listening and agreeing with you guys but when it comes to do it its so difficult! lol. I will try my very best but I know it will be really tough

[Clabs]

Honey - it is very easy to give good advice when you are not emotionally involved but I know how difficult it is when your heart and your head are a muddle.

 

Keep coming back on here for support if you feel weak - ok?

 

You deserve much much better treatment darling.

 

Mark

[Addicus]

Archangel....if you had not had an intimate realtionship with this guy, would you choose hima as a friend? Someone you would honestly want in your life in a frindship way? Speaking from my own experience, the friends with exs is painful, confusing, selfish on the part of the dumper if they were the one asking for it. My ex wnted to be friends, not just friends but good friends. I tried it one time, a week after we broke up. She flirted the whole time and I finally came to my senses. Went NC and have never looked back. For me contact of any kind, platonic, or as friends keeps you stuck on an emotional rollercoaster. If you like the ride then by all means stay on it.

 

Can ex's be friends, sure. There are many great stories on this forum about success stories and I am very close to one of my ex's but that took many years of work, a lot of pain and a lot of forgiveness, mostly on her part. Even now our relationship is still complicated. Once you are intimate with someone you cross a line which makes it really hard to establish a friendship. Friendships are so different than an intimate relationship. Well my friendships are. You need to do what feels right for you. Perhaps taking some space and looking at it down the road, by then you may not wnat anything to do with him.

 

Empower yourself my dear. Do you really need this guy in your life? He boke up with you and that tells you he no longer wants you in his life..so give him what he wants!

[renaissancewoman101]

Archangel, I guess I am going to be the dissenting voice in all of this. I usually am when it comes to this topic. Personally, I think if you have the stamina and fortitude to be able to withstand a lot of emotional distress, etc., than you CAN be friends with an ex. I've been there, done that, with my first ex, who now also is my best friend. And I never took a break from him either. The only thing different is that he's gay and we never had a completely sexual relationship (yes we did some things but never went all the way). I do love him in my own way, like a brother now. It was hard in the beginning since he was my first love and watching him find a bf (who he is still with), etc., hurt me terribly. I withstood it all, a lot of times coming home to my place crying because I wanted him so much to love me the way he felt towards his bf. But he needed me in his life and clung to me, etc. It was a hard road, but I preservered. Since then, I've had a few other relationships, some there were no friendships after the breakup and one or two, there were, mostly because I was able to endure a lot of emotional crap and deal with it, and the ex's were understanding.

 

It's not a easy road, it's very tough on one emotionally but if one truly wants it and the ex is open to it, it can be done. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes not. Only you have to determine that for yourself.

 

Good luck!