Contacting the ex

[needafriend]

I have broken the no contact rule, plenty of times during the past two weeks. I fully intend to break all contact, but is it ok to contact him, searching for some answers?? Breaking up with me he said was in his best interest, but I dont understand how being without the one you love to be in your best interest.

 

Im still s confused! I just want to know why I was so easy to cast aside!!!

 

[neallo82288]

Leave it be. Let him have time to miss you. I know I am one to talk, but I have learned from trial and many errors that THE ANSWERS ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU.I know you may not see them but they are there. He's not throwing you away, but just needs to know for himself if you are the right one, and some people need time on their own to think about things. I really should be listening to my own words, but I just miss her so much I just want to reach out for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave It be. If it were meant to be it will be!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it is tough, but you must let HIM have some time. He will call when he is ready. If he never calls then he wasn't worth your time anyway.

 

LEAVE IT BE

[sadwithouthim]

My ex broke up with me two months ago after dating 3 amd 1/2 years. I keep trying to get answers from him as to why he wanted to end things when we discussed marriage and thought we would get engaged this Christmas. I have learned that trying to get anwers from him just seems to push him further away!

I will never know how a person who claims he loves you can walk away and not seem to care! I guess I am in the same boat you are! I hope you find the answers you are looking for!

[Maverick44]

Hi needafriend,

 

I think most of us here are pretty confused. I haven't contacted my ex in 2.5 months. Been a pretty rough time. I think you can seek your answers but you'll always question them.

 

I question the answers I received from my ex and that was even a mutual friend of ours telling me that my ex was being honest. Honestly, it's tough to swallow.

 

Though, I do want to say this also, I used to think that it was because when people were broken up with, it was easy to cast them aside and not talk to them. I don't know if I believe that so much anymore. See, as much as I want to talk to my ex, I know it is harder to contact her and still have no change in the outcome. That's why I don't contact her right now. It hurts to think things right now, imagine having contact! Personally, I think it probably still has an effect on her were she to see or hear from me as well. She told me that if I loved her, I would allow us to move on. I am.

 

So what I'm getting at is maybe it's not that you're easy to cast aside. Maybe it's just difficult to be in contact with you because it brings back alot of hurt.

 

Maybe it will hurt you to contact him as well. Consider it.

 

Maverick

[Boundaries]

Most of us won't get answers as to why our partner stop loving us because a feeling cannot be simplied or explained.

[needafriend]

Thanks guys!

 

Im just so confused! We were so in love and he says that not being with me anymore is in his best interest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHat the *beeeeep* does that mean!!!! And matter!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know he loves me and I know he is still in love with me! How could someone think that being without someone they love is in their best interest!!!!!! Im so angry!

[needafriend]

You are right Boundaries, he his very selfish and the timing was way off!!!

 

But why cant he see!!!!!

[neallo82288]

Look I'm in the same boat that you are. I, too, feel thrown away and discarded with yesterdays garbage. There is nothing we can do. You have aatleast the fact that he said that he doesn't want to be with you. I do not even have that. I was told that "I have alot going on right now and Christmas is really a bad time of year for me" I will call when I have more time. I just wish she'd call and let me go or start the healing process of our relationship

 

 

LEAVE IT BE

[needafriend]

Im very sorry to hear that you lost your love too. Its so hard because we know how much we have to offer them if only they would give us another chance.

 

So hard to come to terms with! Anybody have any advice on what I should do????

[claudia]

Well i surely can relate to all u guys ,i too want answers but i was thinking would the answers really solve anything .... maybe in some cases it will but in most its just gonna hurt more its just gonna lead to more questions and needing new answers ,someone earlier said let it be . Like most of you i too am in soo much pain that this christmas season is the worst for me . i'm trying the no contact thing but i wish someone could answer this for me . when the dumper dumps the dumpee why is it that they are the ones to ignore the dumpee and seems so cold and distant. i pray every night just to wake up and not feel like this anymore i would love to be as cold as him and walk away but its too damn hard .

 

well to all my fellow sufferers have faith pray alot and try your best not to contact the exs cause right now they could give a rats A** about how we feel so i say screw them one day our answers will come hopefully.

[EmptySoul]

i know from experience that even if you really love someone, sometimes you just need something else, or want something else, or need a break. also, sometimes when it seems like you were easily cast aside, you really weren't. you do deserve some answers though, but after that i wouldn't pursue it any further. throwing yourself at him probably would not be considered appealing and won't help you any.

EmptySoul

[vfunkera]

hey guys.

 

Do remember that all our exes had been thinking about breaking up with us at least 2 weeks prior to telling us its over with some lame excuse that doesnt really answer anything. It didnt happen in a matter of days or hours. Iv read posts hear where people have said they have been wanting to leave for almost a year! I couldnt believe it. But that is reality. If they still love you then they wouldnt leave. Dont let them confuse you. Its just their guilt trying to keep you calm. The other usual phrase 'lets just be friends' is also a way of preventing a 'real scene'. Truthfully they dont really care anymore, Its hard as hell, but why are you willing to love and die for someone when they arent prepared to do the same for you?

 

Dont confuse reality with fantasy.

 

"Reality -vs- Fantasy

 

The Reality is that change is SLOW and GRADUAL. It requires hardwork, a bit of luck, a fair amount of self sacrifice, and ALOT of PATIENCE. Those feelings didnt grow over night. They grew as more time was spent with your ex, and it will take time to get rid of them.

 

The Fantasy: A sudden transformation will bring a total change in one's fortunes, bypassing work, luck, self-sacrifice, and time in one fantastic stroke ie waking up one day with all problems washed away.

--

i believe that we go through break ups to help us cope with the eventual case of death that we will all experience, and also to be grateful when we do meet 'that person'.

 

The Reality of Death: The dead cannot be brought back, the past cannot be changed.

 

The Fantasy of Death: A sudden reversal of this intolerable fact.

 

==

 

Know the difference between Reality and Fact. They left you. You did not leave her or there would be new rules to getting her back. You cannot let your anger or emotions rule you. Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. You can't have the fruits without the roots. It's the principle of sequencing: Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-Mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.

 

You must first like yourself before you can like others. But you must also know yourself. If you don't control yourself, if you don't have mastery over yourself, it's very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up superficicial way. You must learn from your mistakes.

 

*Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from TRUE INDEPENDENCE. Unless you are willing to achieve real independence, it's very foolish to try to develop any relationship skills. Some try. Some might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come-and they will-they won't have the foundation to keep things together. That foundation takes time to build and is constantly growing stronger---with time, and wisdom.

 

The place to begin building any relationship--starts inside yourself, inside your Circle of Influence, your own character.

 

Good luck

[vfunkera]

hey guys.

 

Do remember that all our exes had been thinking about breaking up with us at least 2 weeks prior to telling us its over with some lame excuse that doesnt really answer anything. It didnt happen in a matter of days or hours. Iv read posts hear where people have said they have been wanting to leave for almost a year! I couldnt believe it. But that is reality. If they still love you then they wouldnt leave. Dont let them confuse you. Its just their guilt trying to keep you calm. The other usual phrase 'lets just be friends' is also a way of preventing a 'real scene'. Truthfully they dont really care anymore, Its hard as hell, but why are you willing to love and die for someone when they arent prepared to do the same for you?

 

Dont confuse reality with fantasy.

 

"Reality -vs- Fantasy

 

The Reality is that change is SLOW and GRADUAL. It requires hardwork, a bit of luck, a fair amount of self sacrifice, and ALOT of PATIENCE. Those feelings didnt grow over night. They grew as more time was spent with your ex, and it will take time to get rid of them.

 

The Fantasy: A sudden transformation will bring a total change in one's fortunes, bypassing work, luck, self-sacrifice, and time in one fantastic stroke ie waking up one day with all problems washed away.

--

i believe that we go through break ups to help us cope with the eventual case of death that we will all experience, and also to be grateful when we do meet 'that person'.

 

The Reality of Death: The dead cannot be brought back, the past cannot be changed.

 

The Fantasy of Death: A sudden reversal of this intolerable fact.

 

==

 

Know the difference between Reality and Fact. They left you. You did not leave her or there would be new rules to getting her back. You cannot let your anger or emotions rule you. Anger and emotion are strategically counterproductive. You must always stay calm and objective. You can't have the fruits without the roots. It's the principle of sequencing: Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-Mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.

 

You must first like yourself before you can like others. But you must also know yourself. If you don't control yourself, if you don't have mastery over yourself, it's very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up superficicial way. You must learn from your mistakes.

 

*Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from TRUE INDEPENDENCE. Unless you are willing to achieve real independence, it's very foolish to try to develop any relationship skills. Some try. Some might even have some degree of success when the sun is shining. But when the difficult times come-and they will-they won't have the foundation to keep things together. That foundation takes time to build and is constantly growing stronger---with time, and wisdom.

 

The place to begin building any relationship--starts inside yourself, inside your Circle of Influence, your own character. "

 

Good luck