Moving in together or no? Need advice...

[Seymore]

So my girlfriend's best friend/roommate is moving out and to another state in about 2 months. My gf can't afford to pay the rent in its entirety on her own, so she's looking for a roommate or a new place to live.

 

A couple months ago we were talking about living together before getting married, and I said I didn't think it was a good idea due to the studies that showed far more couples get divorced if they live together before marriage. Well, she's really been looking for a roommate/place to live - she's broadened her search from only females to include gay males, and we've spent so much time together lately that it's felt like we're living together. She's dropping hints about wanting to move in with me, like "My bed would look nice in your office", but I just don't know right now. Plus my parents would cut my head off if they found out she moved in with me, although that's my decision, not theirs.

 

Any advice? We've been together for 9 months now. Not much, but we've spent a LOT of time together, and just came back from a 10-day road trip together in one piece. We've seen every side to each other that there is to see.

[darkpumpkin]

It's just a personal opinion but I think living together is a good step BEFORE marriage, there is a lot of reasons that seeing if two people can be together on a day to day basis and finding if their morals, wants and standards are the same.

 

On that note I don't think you should have her move in because she is in a tight spot right now, that is not the right reasons. Let her find a roomate and let the relationship develop how you are both comfortable with.

[charliebrown]

from my experience, it sort of killed the relationship to move in together...

 

it was fun in the beginning but we never got any time apart.

[melrich]

It's just a personal opinion but I think living together is a good step BEFORE marriage

 

Me too. I'd go for it.

[Seymore]

It's just a personal opinion but I think living together is a good step BEFORE marriage,

 

And that's what I'd always thought, for the same reason. It's confusing, because I can't find any proof to back up these studies that have mentioned the divorce rate.

 

My parents have told me that if you live with someone before getting married, it's harder to leave when you want to and you can become complacent, which can build resentment, which can lead to divorce.

[darkpumpkin]

And that's what I'd always thought, for the same reason. It's confusing, because I can't find any proof to back up these studies that have mentioned the divorce rate.

 

My parents have told me that if you live with someone before getting married, it's harder to leave when you want to and you can become complacent, which can build resentment, which can lead to divorce.

 

That is why I think it's important to keep yourselves as individuals though your living together. It does become more complicated but you both need to have a clear idea of what your getting into when moving in together. That's why I say don't do it to help her out.

[Seymore]

You're right - I'm gonna give this more thought. It's not the right reason. We plan on getting married, but not until she finishes school in 3 years.

 

Plus now that I think about it, she'd be about 5 times further from school and her babysitting jobs. With the price of gas today, it wouldn't be a good time anyway.

[Beyondthesea]

How old are you two? I just saw babysitting jobs and it made me wonder.

 

In actuality, I moved to be with my now husband...we moved in together after 4 months and are now married. Honestly, I am SO glad we lived together first. It gives you a good grasp of truly knowing this person before deciding to spend your lives together.

 

You know the saying, "You never know someone until you live with them." It's 100% true.

[under.my.umbrell]

Unless you are looking for complications, than don't do it. I know, because I've been there. Moving in with your partner at such a young age is not the right decision. If she can't afford her own place, that's not your problem. That just means that she needs to be more proactive in finding a roommate she can split rent with or get a second job.

 

I'm not saying she's a gold-digger, but if you move in, it will only be benefiting her. And since you guys are a couple, she will probably expect even more if you do live together.

 

Just letting you know...before you made that move.

[charliebrown]

I'm not saying she's a gold-digger, but if you move in, it will only be benefiting her. And since you guys are a couple, she will probably expect even more if you do live together.

 

he never said she wasn't going to be pay her part of the rent.

[Seymore]

Of course she would pay her share of the rent if she lived with me. I'm 29, she's 23. She works downtown - it doesn't pay much, but they're very accomodating to her hectic life. She also babysits for 3-4 different families, so she's far from a gold digger. If she wanted, she could pay the entirety of the rent on her own, but with other bills and her car payments she wouldn't be able to do anything else.

[Excalibur]

I think if you're afraid of your parents opinion of her moving in - you're so NOT ready to encounter what is going to occur if you let her move in - from her, from them, from within you.

 

And a girl living with you that has no "options' is not a reliable or desirable roommate...

 

If you do want to enter into this arrangement, you need to get down on paper what she makes - see check stubs, and detail what she is required to pay.

 

This business of "let me move in with you" when i have no money and no way to remain independent unless you do - is usually a recipe for disaster of you going broke, while she turns into someone you never thought she was. And some of that is going to happen no matter what anyway.

[hers]

 

My parents have told me that if you live with someone before getting married, it's harder to leave when you want to and you can become complacent, which can build resentment, which can lead to divorce.

 

THat happened to me in two instances. I have lived with 2 boyfriends. One of them I moved in with after 7 months of dating, and the other after 4 months of dating. The first guy, it was fine when he left...strange circumstances. But the other guy, we lived together 2 years and just hated each other after a while--the place was mostly mine (I had all the furniture, bills in my name, etc), but we got the place togehter. When I was ready to break up with him (for nearly a year but "couldn't pay my bills alone") and asked him to move out, he said I was abandoning him and the relationship. I hadn't been happy for a year, but b/c of financial problems and complacency, I was hesitant to ask him to move out. Thus began the hatred and resentment I had for him. I woudln't let him touch me, I woudl say awful things to him. But I didn't ask him to leave and he never volunteered it.

 

I'm all about living together before marriage, but make sure you are very serious about the relationship and are seriously considering marriage, if you can see yourself WANTING to come home to the same person every day. Don't do it for financial reasons. That's why I moved in with the 2 guys I moved in with, and it ended terribly. It does for so many more people as well. 9 months isn't that long of a time. It's very different when you "feel like you live together already" than it is when you're actually living together. Bills come into play, grocery preferences, decorating preferences, small things that can be fatal to relationships if handled badly.

 

I don't recommend moving in right now. Get to know her a little more, even if you feel like you know her well already. Get your financial lives in order and reconsider it again when you have much more stability not just with finances but in your relationship as well.

 

(In sum, I agree with your parents! )

[Taylor527]

I think its actually GREAT to live with someone before you marry them... you learn ALOT.

 

If you want to do it - go for it!!