do women who are assertive turn off guys?

[crinklecat]

I am assertive. Sometimes when pushed I can be aggressive. I know what I want out of life and can make goals to get what I want.

 

Is this not a good thing to be when searching for a potential mate? I just got dumped cause the guy I was "supposedly" in a relationship with met someone else and wanted to date her, or so he says. Anyhow I wonder, do guys not like it when women pursue them? Do they get scared or something? I thought this was supposed to be flattering, but Guys maybe there is something that these assertive aggressive women (like myself) arent understanding.

 

Anyhow, I ended up giving more than I was getting. And I became a bit needy because I wasnt getting what I needed in the relationship. All I've ever known in my life is fighting to get what I want.

 

Do you guys have any suggestions? How about you ladies, since you are most likely an assertive type (if you are reading this) how do you know when to give up so as not to get hurt?

 

(assertive people hurt too!)

[kdreger]

Do you know about Taoism? The basis for the belief is that when you perceive that you are in control you are wrong.

 

Life is like a river. It flows around us. We can move slowly through it but we can't stop it or direct it's flow and it will continue to flow when we are gone. You never take control, people give you control. There's a big difference as people can take that control back. Control is a facade.

 

It's ok to be assertive but it's not ok to be controlling. You cannot control anyone in life, you cannot demand them to act a certain way or expect them to. Each of us is a individual with needs, wants and feelings distinct to each of us. People are complex in that they change and grow. Any relationship needs give and take to survive this growth. Relationships end when one or the other does not allow or accept this growth.

 

It's not a male or female thing either. A person who wants to be controlled or to control is weak. What they really lack is the confidence to stand on their own and say "This is me, love me for who I am."

 

Wisdom is knowing how to tell someone what you want without making them feel as if they have to give up something in themselves to give it to you. Go ahead, tell him that you like him but then back away and give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to return the compliment. Anything else and you are trying to control the situation and you are going to discover most people, even if they like you, will not stand for it.

[crinklecat]

I know much about taoism, It has been keeping me from going mentally insane with pain and hurt from being dumped.

 

I'm just kind of thinking that my personality, the fact that I was eager to do things with this guy and wasnt afraid to call him to do so is what turned him off. I probablly never know the real reason

 

You know, that cat and mouse game that everyone talks about?

 

(I guess I am trying to find some closure) I mean what the heck is this stupid cat and mouse game with relationships? Obviously, by the red flags that I foolishly ignored in the "honeymoon stage"he wasnt fit to give me what I needed. But I wonder if the cat and mouse game (Which I dont play) would have affected anything.

 

I know that I cant control anyone, except myself. I doubt that I will ever speak to him again, but I need to know for my future reference.

 

Sorry about the little vent but I am trying to figure out how this relationship/dating thing works.

[kdreger]

Don't feel that one person dumping you defines you as a dumpable person.

 

Did you ever tell you why he "dumped" you? Right now it sounds as if you don't know and you're guessing at it, thinking it was because you were "assertive". What it sounds like to me is that you were merely more into the relationship than him. In time you will see this and be thankful it's over and moving onto someone who's equally passionate about you.

 

The cat and mouse game is a metaphor for a messed up relationship. The idea that our interest is based on how much interest the other person shows us - when they are indifferent we chase them and vice versa. It's merely the sign of an unhealthy relationship.

 

If you want closure. Contact him and ask him why. Tell him that you want to let go and the only way you can is to grow from this and understand what went wrong. He might tell you and it will give you a measure of peace.

[moneeman]

I am a very shy guy. My g/f made the first move and asked me out. I f she did not do that I probably would not have ever gone out with her. We have been in a relationship now for 13 months and live together. Being aggresive can be a good thing but if you are not careful you can be hurt. There are alot of guys out there that would take advantage of assertive girls. Just be very careful. Use your best judgement and better yet ask your friends what they think, and listen to them. What happened to me was good but that was probably more luck than anything.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Crinklecat ,

 

Its good that this guy let you go when he did because it just means you guys are not compatible. Some men prefer docile, subserviant women, and some men prefer women more like you and me, more assertive, more aggressive types. I don't take anything from a man. I'm not evil, but dont push me, because I am not a door mat. And I dont need a man to be happy, I dont'! Most men I have dated liked this quality in me. I was serious, and not desperate for a man to love me. I am who I am, and if he can't deal with it, then "tootles" hit the road jack. If this guy prefers a women who has traits you don't have, and needs to be with a woman he can rule then let him. You better off without him. That just means he likes to be in control. I assure you if you stay in the game long enough you will find there are men out there who like a woman with a backbone. That is the man you need to be with. Never alter yourself too much to appease anyone. Be who you are, if your assertive,be assertive, dont go through all these changes and then next thing you know your not happy , but Hey "my boyfriend is" No way, that is not the way to go. There are so many men out there who like strong woman. Some like a more passive woman. Be who you are and be happy. One day a real man will be able to handle you, and you wont have to feel bad about who you are.

 

However, I never approached men or ask men for there numbers, that is the role that the man has to play. Most men like to be the persuers as far as that goes, let them come to you. Dont chase after anything. If its meant to be, it will come to you. The only thing you should be fighting or chasing for is your dreams.

[Blue_Soul]

Coming from a shy guy, your approach is fine. You have to understand that many guys need a girl's interest to be put right in their face. Girls tend to send signals and many guys need more or they'll never know. In my case, I've had some girls be interested in me and I never knew until after the fact because I was missing the signals. Keep in mind this isn't the case for ALL guys. Just take into consideration what the person is like and how you think they might respond to being told that your interested.

[pchellak]

kdreger, you've brought up a very interesting theory. I will have to agree with that theory to some extent; This opens up an interesting perspective of control.