Question for guys about Independent Women

[LadyInWaiting]

Ok guys... Are you intimidated by independent women? I'm not asking if it's a turnoff for a women to be independent. But is it harder for you to talk to woman if you find out that she has her life together and can take care of herself?

 

Example: I've been raised to be indepent. I've completed two years of college (will be returning next year to work on my bachelor's degree). I have a home and a car in my name. I pay all of my bills by myself. I have a management position at my job, which I will also have my 4 year anniversary date next month. Oh, and did I mention that I'm only 24?

 

 

I'm not a supermodel, but after loosing weight over the past 5 months, I've been told I look really good. I try to dress nice, smile a lot and talk to people. Although I know guys are looking, none of them approach me. I think my independence is reflected in my body language.

 

Could that make me un approachable to guys? Is there something I can do to make myself more approachable? I'm tired of making the first move... but I don't want to spend my life alone either.

 

Any advice?

[russia]

you already lost out, lady.

 

i am sure you know how the process works, being smart and independent. FACT: the best (ie. not scared of commitment) guys are taken in school. after that, the process gets really fuzzy and random.

 

now that you are already 24, you are only attractive to older men or else younger men who are not into commitment. you might find a younger man willing to commit, but you will always be afraid he's not going to last a lifetime.

 

now that you know your target audience, it's up to you to attract them the only way that works. and it's not looks. it's paying them attention. for the older established men, admiring their power and youthfulness always works. for the younger men, just admire them and if you like their activities (sports, clubbing, etc) as well, you can't miss.

[Darkness Falls]

I am afraid I don't think you have it easy but to be honest who does in this game of life. What you have accomplished so far in does make you intimidating to some men as lets face it most men use showing off what they have to get the girl and this would not work in your case to the same extent. At the same time there are men out there who find independent women interesting as I have always found they have lots to talk about and have a drive with their interests. At 24 you can be looking at an age group of men thay are also achievers in life, may be they didn't start as young as you but it is a fairly common known fact that men grow up slower than women. I don't think you should see what you have achieved as a black mark, you have done well to get what you have and thta you should be congratulated for. May be you are not looking in the right places i.e. the right type of bars? Also may be you come over a bit negative if you have this worry about not getting the right guy because of what you have. Just be yourself and don't try and rush in to it, the right type of guy is out there and being worried that you will spend your life alone is runing you enjoying what you have already

[kdreger]

I think your mistake is thinking that your "independence" is the problem. I mean some men might not like it but there's ALOT of men who'd be happy to be with an independent woman. It takes a lot of the pressure off knowing that she can take care of herself.

 

Based on your post, I think you might be a little... intense. You're 24 and you think you're going to die single. Sheesh. Patience. You're solving the weight issue, which I hate to say matters to men. Yet, a lot of men just want someone who's fun. Start going out on the weekend with friends just for the hell of it. Don't go out with the expectations of meeting someone and if you meet someone don't talk to them with the expectations that they're interested in more than friendship. If you date them don't do so with the expectations that they will be a future husband. See the theme here .

[real amour]

Hi Ladyinwaiting. You have accomplished a lot. Go for older, established guys as well. They will see themselves in you and similarities are better than differences in my mind. Yes, they are very intimidated by your success (don,t show it off either or make it a competititon).

 

Read The Rules. Never chase. Never lift a finger. Don,t play dumb, but let them be the ones who pursue (even the first move). See if your behaviour is a little too confidence, flirty, try to be more demure, shier, at least with a potential mate. This wows them: quiet assertiveness. I mean it. I am too a major independent woman and I think you can gain more by being less.

 

Read The Rules. Men are hunters, women are gatherers. Men need to feel in control of the relationship, you slow down the process as the keeper of virtue. It is too simplistic a process for a smart woman to understand, but trust me it works. I have two degrees, a certificate, fully bilingual, blonde, very very attractive (a size 1) and I got a million guys, but never the ones I wanted, why? Didn't read the rules and thought I could make guys love me. Phooey.

 

Guys hate The Rules, but as one who never followed them (except with my husband, see?), they are a girl's best friend, time-tested throughout the ages because they go on the true nature of men and women.

[Ash]

Some men will be intimidated by independent women, some men won't be. Age may or may not have something to do with it. The older, more established guy could see that either way. He may like the interest than it brings, or he may fear the competition. There's a lot to be said for youthful enthusiasm too. What I'm saying in a round about way is that I wouldn't get hung up on an age issue.

 

It's more a personality issue. But in any relationship, there needs to be somewhat of a personality match. All this means is that the group of people containing your potential mate will be from a different subset of society than other women would draw from. I have no idea whether it will be a smaller or bigger group than average, but rest assured there will be plenty of men out there that are compatible with you.

 

(Have some fun, see if you can figure out the basic personality traits of those responding to this post to see whether you've intimidated them or not.)

 

Why do you think you are unapproachable? You've talked about your achievements, and maybe hinted at your attitude, but you've not really said how you approach things. We may be jumping to conclusions.

 

Like just about everything to do with feelings, emotions and relationships, the harder you try to be a certain way, or do a certain thing, the more pressure you put on yourself. Putting pressure on yourself can have an adverse effect on you to somebody who doesn't know you yet.

 

So relax, and try not to be too keyed up about this. Like you said, you're only 24, old isn't on the radar screen yet. If guys are looking, that's good. Many guys have an inherent shyness about approaching somebody new. Maybe try going to a different kind of place. I'm not sure where it is you see these interesting men. And also remember, us men in general aren't that great at reading body language, so you do have a bit of leeway there.

[Derek]

24 years old and you are worried about your relationship future eh?

Girlfriend, fuggettabootit.

 

I know people just like you. They buckled down, did all the things

that society expects. They got their career in order. They got

the cars and houses and material crap. Then they stick their

heads out from behind the plow and wonder: What is all this for?

(I also spent 8 years on school and career and not much else.)

Be glad you are thinking about this now instead of when you are 40.

 

So the same intensity you have done your career so far, you should

start to live life too. Don't let your work BE your life.

Instead of living to work, work to live! Some people even intentionally

demote themselves or move to a less intense job or start a home business

to enable their dreams. What did you want to do as a young girl?

Now you have the means. Make like Nike and do it.

 

Life your life to the fullest. Get lots of interests.

Become a pilot. Take martial arts. Sail a sail boat.

Go skiing (water or snow). Renovations. Cooking.

Trying creative writing. Books. Learn an instrument. Music.

Movies. Travel with girlfriends. Whatever floats your boat.

 

As you make yourself a more diverse person with lots of

experience, you become more interesting and have alot more

in common with alot more people. i.e men.

 

I think it is appealing to get to know a women who would

be a partner in a journey of life experiences rather than

a dependent who just follows, or a manager who (s)Mothers.

 

I have to say something to d'amour about The Rules that

perhaps should be in another thread:

Ok, I am trying to understand what the point of Feminism

was if it was not to give women the choices to do what they

will in life, including capturing a man any way they please?

 

I see nothing wrong with a little up front aggression to get

the ball rolling, then use The Rules to snag him the rest of

the way. Men need to be hit upside the head to snap them out of

their normally pig-headed one-dimensional binders-on view of

things at the start.

 

 

[DiglyD]

Here is my 2 cents worth. My last girlfriend was 25, and I am 29. I met her when she was 21. We were together for over 3 years, and from all the women I knew, she was the one I respected, admired, and loved the most. Why? becasue of how much she worked on herself and how far she went in life.

 

She had everything together. She completed her degree at 21 in molecular biology. She is alsmost done with Grad school. She has saved up thousands of dollars in the bank while all her friends juggle countless credit cards and beg their parents for outpatient care. She owns her car, and oh did I mention she is a perfect 10? She had an offer to be a playmate in Playboy? I mean she is drop dead gorgeous. She didn't even have to audition for it. She also is very strong willed and independent, very moral, and emotionally complete.

 

Most men are intimidated by her looks first of all. Her body was just unbelievable. If they do approach her they become intimidated by her intelligence, and her credentials. Sometimes if she is in a bad mood she can cut a guy down in a fraction of a second and make him feel smaller then dirt.

 

The moment she walks into a bar she would attract all the scumbags, the players, and the arrogant jerks. All I had to do was go to the bar and there would be 10 guys around her within 30 seconds. Now that she is single again she is having a hard time meeting people. Its not what she expected.

 

Confident, secure men who like independent women are not around every corner. Most of the ones who project success do not have their stuff together, and blow more smoke then a coal factory. Its all smoke and mirrors to attract the girls who are insecure of themselves.

 

A guy friend I sometimes hang with for example drives a top of the line BMW, wears the best designer clothes when he goes out, the best watches, spends on beer and drinks for the girls like its water, reads allot of Maxim magazine and tells all the jokes from it like every other guy, makes fun of me dressing down, is convinced I make 12 bucks per hour, while he makes allot, and enjoys poking fun at me that I drive a conservative car that is much crappier then his. He thinks he is god's gift to women and thinks he has the biggest penis on the planet. His insecurity and arrogance really amaze me sometimes.

 

Yet his apartment has green mold growing in the bathroom all over the cieling, he has never washed his kithcen in over a year, his credit is crap, he owns nothing, and he has to get cash advances every 2 weeks out of the bank just to get through to the next payday. I keep my mouth shut, just becasue if I ever told him how much I really make I would crush his ego. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

The point I am trying to make is that most of what you see out there is full of smoke. You might also want to look or learn to look beyond the obvious. Do not go for the guys that look successful the ones that instantly come on to you. Take a chance on someone who you might not normally go for. He might be a surprise. Look at the guys who are checking you out but not approaching. Look at different places .Take a chance on someone different. Change your approach, and your hunting grounds.

 

Here is what is important. Do not be worried about your independence or level of success. My girlfriend was successful and independent nad I loved that about her. Being very intelligent and confident I had someone to relate to. She was wonderful and even though she decided she wanted something else out of life I would never want to have her be any other way for those years then what she was. A woman like you is a total package and there is a guy out there who will see the value in that.

 

Most guys who meet my ex now only want to get into her panties. All they see is the body. All they see is the looks. They are scared of her, and provide no challenge. A real man looks beyond the looks, at the person within. I was attracted by her manners, and her intelligence, her values, and her respect for me as a man. It was her success that turned me on. I did not want some chick who did not have her stuff together. I wanted an equal and my sights were set very high. She was better educated then I was and in some ways more successful that I was. I had absolutely no problem with it. In many ways she completed me.

 

There is a man out there for you that is confident, has his stuff together, maybe not as much as you, but somoene who is not intimidated by your intellligence, independence or your beauty. But you will not find him at a bar. Try Grad school. Try looking at places where a woman of your caliber hangs out. Try even the internet. That is how we met. One sunday afternoon at a starbucks coffe house, after a few emails. There is a guy like me out there for you who is secure in himself enough to know that an independent and successful woman euqals a successful life. A guy like me wants to have an equal not a doormat or a headache to take care of. A beautiful woman is sexy, but a beautiful, confident, independent woman is much much sexier. So do not despair. You are young. Stop looking and keep doing the things that you are doing to improve yourself.

 

Keep this in mind also....

 

When I say that there is a guy for you I am not referring just to social status or what he has accomplished in life in a material way. Don't just look for a guy who has a high degree or makes allot of money. Do not look for a guy who judges himself by how much he makes or what car he drives. That is not independence or success. Most women want a provider and a man that is their equal or higher. They think that material success equals their success. Some women who marry for money learn that they must earn it. They become a slave to their boyfriends or hiusbands. For a woman like you it would be a jail cell. However you have allot in your life already. When you look, look for a successful man, but also look also for a man who is complete on the inside regardless of how much he has in the bank. The outside is not that important in the big scheme of things. Life is not about money, its not about who has the biggest hosue on the block, or who got the degree faster then who.

 

The guy you find might be poor as dirt, but if he is confident in himself, accepts you fully, loves you, supports you as an independent, and successful woman it shows that he has the right qualities to eventually be a star. Trust me you do not want a guy more successful then you who treats you like dirt.

 

Sometimes its the people that struggled in life, or those who don't show off are the ones who have it all together and the ones who can make you happy.

 

Do not also equate your material success to happiness. Happiness is not the car, the house, the career. Happiness is not the guy with the house, the car, and the career. Its the guy who treats you like you want to be treated.

 

Everyone else is insecure and can't tolerate a woman who is even taller then them not to mention one that is educated and successful. Some of my so called friends would die before they went on a date with a woman like you. Its fear, and insecurity.

 

In case you might be wondering why I am not with my ex, its because I was her first and she has nothing to compare me to. She thinks guys like me come in happy meals at every McDonnalds. Her success went to her head, and she thought that the grass is always greener on the other side. IT IS NOT. Only now is she discovering that.

 

Keep that in mind.

 

You still have much ahead of you. When you find a guy, and you will and you stay with him for a while, don't start to think that there is a better guy at the first sign of some temporary life difficulty.

 

Since you are successful you will draw a very high image of your ideal man.

 

Be careful.

 

If he makes mistakes, and he will as all guys do, sometimes maybe for a very long time, he might not live up to that image in your head. You might start to loose respect for him. Without repsect there can be no romance, and you will want to bail. Be careful of what you do about that. Be caeful how you exit. Be careful what you decide to toss away.

 

If the relationship means alot to you, always attempt your best shot to help before you move on. Successful women want to cut their losses early and bail only to discover that they jacked themselves in the long run and are back in the dating game for years to come. Its lonely when you are beautiful. If you find a guy who goes for girls like you, and leave him for whatever reason, you might be surprised to discover how fast he bounces back, and his success migh hurt you more then anything else in your life. Remember life is a rollercoaster and a marathon. Not a sprint. There is no need to hurry. Its the journey tha makes all the difference. The people. the connection. The respect. Its not the degrees, the cars, the money, and the houses.

 

You already achieved much in your life. Take it easy knowing that there is a good guy for you who will treat you right and apprecuite you for what you have accomplished. Slow down, stop looking. Have fun. Discover your puropse in life.

[grd279]

I don't think that a womens independence is a turn off. It just adds to more interest in my opinion. Better conversation. I myself have a career at a young age. Just go out and have fun. You will meet someone on your level one day, but don't rush it. Your still young.