Need Everyone's Help

[ccali78]

Hi I am new on here. I have have been broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years for 2 months. Our breakup was sudden (we did have issues of non-communication), but I was not expecting it. I think his whole life just got to him and he could not take it so he took the easy way out and left me. We broke up on a Thursday he was completely moved out on the next Tuesday.

 

There is noone else. There could be noone else. His issues are his family is not talking to him (they are very wealthy and controlling), he is going through the 12 steps and dealing with his past (I never knew this part of him he was sober over a 1 1/2 when we met), and he is depressed (but will not admit it).

 

So we do have a chance but I am ruining it. He started by saying he could not see me it was too hard that I needed to move on and deserved better that he was sick and twisted and needed help. (I do not understand this but I can imagine he bears a lot of pain from what I know).

 

He then contacted me about a month ago and asked it I wanted to get together. We decided on ice cream as it was out in the open. We sat in his car for two hours and did not say a word it was so awkward. We got together the next week this time we watched a movie at my place (our old place). We fell asleep together and he left at 6 AM as he had to work. The following Thursday I sent him a dumb flirty out of context text message and he assumed I was drunk (my mistake). I do not have a problem with drinking however Matt is at a place in his life where he cannot be with a girl that drinks at all. That is fine with me.

 

Quick back in time -- I would occasionally have a couple of glasses of wine with the girls and hide it from him as I knew but didnt understand why I could not drink. I thought he was being controlling but it was not until one of his friends told me after we broke up that he could not be with a girl that drinks at all. So it made me understand he made the decision to leave me because of that. I was lying to him about something that was very important to him. Total miscommunication.

 

So after that he was very stand offish. I sent him a long email explaining that I had not been drinking and that I can see from his point of view how this could be taken but this has totally taken us 20 steps back and I do not know how to regain them. He asked if we could be friends now... Whatever that means that he does love me he just needs to get his head on straight.

 

So I texted him consistently 2 days ago and finally left it as do you just want to be friends forever no answer. So this morning I texted him trying to be friendly saying do you want to do another movie night this Friday. No response. I know I need to leave him alone if I want another chance, that he needs time as there are so many issues in his life. But I do not know how. He was there everyday for 5 years. I live in our old apartment with all our stuff. And no at this point I cannot afford to move.

 

I need advice on what I should do. I do not want to loose control and stop eating and I have left a voicemail for a counselor.

[wannabeboosted]

Sounds kinda like my situation in the fact that we were together for almost 3 years and I now live in our old place with all of our stuff and alot of her stuff still there...

 

It is very hard but NC is going to be the only way to work through this...

 

I have been NC for 3 days and am on day 4.... this means you DO NOT initiate any contact what so ever... dont be rude, respond if he makes attempt to contact you...

 

Give him what he wants and that sounds like space right now...

 

Im here for ya if you need some moral support... I know I did...

 

Things will get better in time...

 

you need time to heal and work on makeing yourself better... whether it be for him or another love...

 

If things are meant to be they will find a way...

[ccali78]

How long have you 2 been broken up for? It sounds like you are doing pretty well. I definitely need support. It is hard when everyone is sick of hearing about it and tells you to move on you can do so much better

 

I guess I will have to do the NC thing and just come on here everyday or I will contact him. I do not know when I became so weak. I guess I cannot count today as I already sent him a text. Cellphones are a horrible thing.

[wannabeboosted]

How long have you 2 been broken up for? It sounds like you are doing pretty well. I definitely need support. It is hard when everyone is sick of hearing about it and tells you to move on you can do so much better

 

I guess I will have to do the NC thing and just come on here everyday or I will contact him. I do not know when I became so weak. I guess I cannot count today as I already sent him a text. Cellphones are a horrible thing.

 

Yes they are(concerning the cell phones)... and we have been apart for 5 weeks total...

 

Im on here pretty much all day because it is just so hard and I need the moral support...

 

granted I am at work when I am on here...

 

NC is the only way to see if they really miss you and help them realize how great it was having you around...

 

after 2 days of NC... she starts texting me out of nowhere... Its nice to know she thinks about me...

 

It is funny though because I know she is expecting me to ask how her day was and what not... but Im not going to entertain that thought of hers...

 

wouldnt be condusive to my healing process...

 

though eventually I would like to reconcile she is now in a rebound with a guy who is using her as the rebound... god what a mess..

 

well Im here for ya

[Clabs]

Hun

 

Sorry about your sitch - it really sucks I know - but really - there is nothing you can do except step away. He has said that he wants to be friends with you - not a good sign in my opinion and you would be very foolish to accept that role.

 

Drummer has given you some excellent advice - NC really is your best route out of this mess. It gives you a chance to clear your head and to start moving forward again.

 

Of course, if you have an appartment together plus all his stuff there, then you are going to have to communicate with him at some stage. Do you own the appartment together?

 

Come back on here for some strength and moral support - you will find that it really helps you.

 

Mark

[SapphireNoir10]

I know exatly how you feel. My boyfriend of almost two years, fiance actually Broke up with me and chucked me out yesterday. Now hes thinking about his decision and wants to talk on friday and he'll tell me what hes decided. So i have to wait to friday to find out if the man I love wants to be with me or not.

 

I failed NC terribly today. Ive text and emailed loads. I feel like a desperate idiot. We need to support eachother!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think YOU are the one ruining it...HE is. Look, he has a drinking problem and thereforeee needs to be off alcohol completely. Just because HE has a drinking problem, doesn't mean his partner needs to abstain from drinking completely. If you don't have an alcohol problem, why should you not go out and have a drink with your friends. I can understand not drinking in front of him because it would be difficult for him to watch someone else drinking when he can't...BUT, why should you not drink with your friends..as long as you don't get drunk. Supposing someone needs to lose 50 pounds and they go on a diet...does that mean the partner whose weight is fine, has to abstain from eating chocolate cake...of course not. Now, I would understand not bringing the cake home and indulging in front of the person who is dieting...but there is nothing wrong with going out with friends and eating cake. You say your boyfriend comes from a controlling family...I have to wonder if he has been controlling with you during the course of your relationship. It sounds to me like you are his scapegoat for his low self-esteem and issues.

[drewciouS281]

Hey Christin,

 

I feel ya. My ex and i both had a drinking problem. i felt held back with my career and stuff so i took the easy way out aswell but on top of that i feel the relationship had died a year ago. too much damage. her and i were together 3 years on and off. i built a house for her on a side of town that is faaaaar from everything and everyone i know but i did it for her. when we split up the entire home reminded me of her because we had designed it and built it together but i had to keep strong and realize what was best for me and maintained NC for 8 months now. she has called a couple times lately just to say hello and things she misses but im stil not ready to hang again. You just need to respect his wishes and leave him be. only he and he alone can fix his issues. You cant put your life on hold for someone that needs to get his own act together. Its not your fault so thereforeee you should be able to live your own life. Just be supportive down the road but dont try to hang or even talk much anymore. Its hard but anyone can do it.

[ccali78]

So about the movie I had sent him a text this AM asking him to do movie night friday. I figured he would just ignore me and I would start NC.

 

He did reply

 

"Yes I'm just concerned I'm going to hurt you and worry that this is unhealthy for u. I do love you"

 

 

How does one reply to that or should I just not.

[ccali78]

Oh and he has not drank for 6.5 years not even a sip. He started the 12 steps as he could not manage his life.

[drewciouS281]

you may very well end up getting hurt more if you continue hanging out with him. I highly doubt he is or will intentionally hurt you but he needs to figure things out for himself ALONE. You wanting to see him and talk to him is understandable because you two love each other but from a guys perspective that this has happened too, you may be a distraction to what he needs to do.

[wannabeboosted]

So about the movie I had sent him a text this AM asking him to do movie night friday. I figured he would just ignore me and I would start NC.

 

He did reply

 

"Yes I'm just concerned I'm going to hurt you and worry that this is unhealthy for u. I do love you"

 

 

How does one reply to that or should I just not.

 

 

I would reply something to the fact that it is not condusive to your self healing... It is unhealthy for you to see each other on a friend basis this early on in the breakup..

 

Keeping you as a friend is most likely his way of keeping you as an emotional crutch...

 

you need to respect the fact that he does not want to be with you and give him what he wants..

 

If in turn it shows him that he doesnt want to be without you great...

 

if not you worked on yourself for someone else that you have yet to find...

 

you never know what the next day may hold...

[ccali78]

Ok so yeah I have a feeling I will live on here. So I will let everyone know how it goes and probably be on here everyday. So please do not get sick of me

[wannabeboosted]

Ok so yeah I have a feeling I will live on here. So I will let everyone know how it goes and probably be on here everyday. So please do not get sick of me

 

Well thats what we are all here for... the emotional and moral support is necessary.... Im on here so often as it is hard for me to go 30 min without feeling the urge to ask how her day is....

 

but you will have to come to realize you can be complete without him... and that you just would like to share your life with him...

 

once you begin to let go of things it gets much easier...

[ycmanvs]

NC is the only way to go at this point. Come here as often as you need to. There are many of us who are going through similar situations and can offer you support.

[ccali78]

Thank you. I did reply to the text just simply stating I am going to cancel and left it at that. Now I need to get rid of my cell phone any takers.... Email is not bad. We never really emailed eachother. It is texting we always texted eachother everyday. Hence why we stopped communicating we did not need to we could just text. So real feelings stayed in and nothing came out. He did admit he was controlling and apologized for that. He just sends me such mixed messages. It is not fair. He did send me a text last week that he felt that same way as me and i could say whatever I wanted and he hoped we ended up back together too. Why would someone say that and than ask if you could be friends. He does not go out. He works all the time. Has not TV or cable in his new place. Am I crazy?

[ycmanvs]

That is why you need to be in NC. Don't read his texts. He has problems and is working on them, but he cannot have a girlfriend and work on his problems right now. As a result, you are suffering. If you go NC, then you will have time to heal and it will not affect you as much when you think of him...You told him that you needed to cancel. There is no need to communicate further.

[ccali78]

I know and I will be strong and not communicate further. I just wish for him to come back and that is what makes me so weak. I do love him. We had a lot of problems because of his family. It really broke our relationship down and really brok him down overall. I did everything I could to be a good girl friend and person and he knows that. He is not a dirt bag. He is genuinely a good guy. He would never intentionally hurt anyone. He has been nice to me and if I needed him he would come running. So I am loosing one of the best guys out there because his family has ruined his life.

[ccali78]

Ok so I had to contact him one last time to say good bye. There is a reason so do not be mad. We have 2 dogs. He has one I have the other. He travels for work and we agreed I would watch the joint dog when he travels. Well not this weekend but the next two I would have him which means seeing him 4 times not healthy. So I decided to say good bye. In an email as we never email and I know he will not respond so it will be easier. But I am an emotional wreck at work and have a 3 hour meeting coming up. Here is what I wrote. I know I am nice, but I never wanted to be viewed as the bad one. We never fought, never even called eachother a name once.

 

"I figured emailing would be easier than texting. I guess I got excited that we were going to work things out and get back together. I see now that is not going to happen and you are absolutely right that is not healthy for me. I do have a counseling appointment Thursday Night and have some great friends that will help me through this so I will be fine. I do not think we can be friends now and I think you know that. I love you and that is not going to change over night and I guess you cannot ask me to be your friend. I do not think it will be good for me if I watch XXX. I am sure XXX and XXX will watch him. But please do not kennel him.

 

 

I just want you to know that I have always loved you since the day I met you. I am not sure I will ever understand completely what went wrong. You were my best friend, my soul mate and I am not sure I will ever replace you but I will always love you. ALWAYS.

 

Love always and the best of luck in life"

[ycmanvs]

That is a very nice email and it explains everything you feel. I think saying that you will always love him is a bit dramatic, but since it is how you feel right now, at this moment...you felt like you had to say it.

Now it is time to go NC and work on yourself.

[ccali78]

I think in a way I will always love him. He was a big part of my life and we went through a lot together, but you are right maybe I shouldn't have said it. Now I need to just fight the urge to write him back. Because I am hoping for him to come back and say something nice to me like I said to him but he will not.

[ccali78]

So I got this email I am not responding. Why are relationships so horrible.

 

I love you so much and I'm not going to ruin your life. You need to

be happy. Maybe some day I will be able to break free of my metal

anguish, insecurity, selfishness, fear, depression etc etc and live a

normal life

 

Please try even though I know it's hard to feel.... I do love you and

I cherish everything in my heart that you gave me. You gave me life,

happiness, extreme metal and physical love....

 

I wish my mind worked different and I was stronger, it's just sad I'm so weak.

 

My heart and stomach feel like lead weights.

 

I do want you to know even though I went through a lot of emotions and

ups and downs there was a day I knew I wanted to marry you. You were

walking up the driveway at the Hickory House and I saw you smile and

laugh and I knew you were the one....

 

It's sad that I've let the recent circumstances control and dominate

my mind rather than be strong for us, but I'm just so messed up. I

fought hard, but I just couldn't do it. I just can't let my depression

cause you greater harm, it's caused so much pain and less I make a

life altering change it will not change. I know in my heart of hearts

that the AA process will work for me because it's worked for countless

others that suffered the same issues.

 

I wish I was disciplined and sat in did the writing all of this may

have been resolved by now and I could have lived a healthy, god

conscience life, until then I will probably still wallow in self pity,

selfishness, and fear.

 

I know the key to my happiness is writing the past and turning it over

to God. I know this a long time ago. I do my writing now and I pray to

God and I think of you, my family, Guy, Linus everyone for the

willingness to carry out this process.

 

This is me telling you I'm sorry and I do love you. I want the best

for you and you're amazing.