Dumped out of the blue after 4 1/2 years

[Lynn07]

7 weeks ago, my boyfriend and best friend of over 4 years broke up with me. This break up felt almost out of the blue to me. One month before the break up, we had a discussion in which he told me that he felt like after four years of dating someone he should feel absolutely positive that we would get married, and he didn’t. The fact that he had some doubts really scared him. We talked this out, and I said that four years of dating when you start at age 18 is quite different from 4 years later on b/c both people change so much during that time. I thought that our discussion went well, and I know that he said he felt relieved that he had talked to me. However, during this talk he did say that on his way over, he thought that we would maybe be breaking up, which did not end up happening. This comment of his clearly made me feel quite uneasy, and so that is the only reason why this break up was not 100% out of the blue. As far as reasons for the breakup, we had three main talks, and I learned a little more each time about his feelings, but still feel pretty confused. At first, he just said that he felt unhappy in the relationship, that it sometimes felt like a burden, that he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. When I asked him, he couldn’t think of any specific things to tell me about what he was unhappy about, what about our relationship, me, etc. This was quite hard to accept, as I really had no idea what he was thinking. It was a week later that I talked to him again. This time he was able to tell me a little bit more how he was feeling. He said that he wasn’t sure if it was b/c we are at somewhat different stages right now (I just graduated college, have a full-time teaching job starting in Aug., and he has one more year of school) or not, but being in the relationship was making him feel trapped and that his life was narrowing. He said that he didn’t feel like he knew himself very well as an independent young person outside of a relationship. He said that he thought it would be good for both of us to live independent from each other, and that I was going to become so strong through this. He said he thought I was somewhat dependent upon him. When I asked him if this was more of a (1) "you and lynn do not work together" break-up or (2) timing/phase for mike break-up, he didn’t really know, but answered with things that make me think it’s more of timing issues he is going thru. He said that as far as the future and us, he just doesn’t know. He pretty much left it that if we are meant to be together, then sometime in the future we will get back together. He said that at one point he remembers thinking to himself, “I wish you and I would have met at age 22 instead of 18.”….I’m not sure what to take from that statement, maybe that he thinks we need time to grow as individuals?

 

Within the last year, I had decided that he was the person I wanted to marry, and so this loss bares a great deal of loss on my entire life. Because of our young age we had never discussed marriage much, but I had begun envisioning my future with him, and it brought me so much happiness and anticipation. Those great feelings for the future have now been replaced with dread and hopelessness.

I feel like I have also lost my faith in people. While I still have a faith in God, I don’t have much faith or interest in people, which is so, so sad.

 

I guess I am just looking for advice/support, anything that may help me see some light at the end of this dark tunnel right now.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone lynn. i am sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. i'm sorry to hear about this breakup. it does sound like he is young, and wants to experience the single life for a while before getting married. marriage is a huge committment, not to be taken lightly. and i guess he hasn't had enough life experience at this point to know if you are the one for him or not. that sucks. i am truly sorry.

 

for you, i think you need to go no contact from him, and move on with your life. get the book 'it's called a breakup because it's broken.' give him time to miss you and let him see what life is like without you. spend time with your gfs, have fun, go out, party. he might realize he made the biggest mistake of his life, he might not. but you have to get out there and give him the opportunity to miss you. i've seen it where couples try to 'stay friends' but that doesn't really work out, because one person usually wants to get back together while the other doesn't. if you give him an opportunity to experience life without you, he might reconsider. just a thought.

 

good luck

[needhimso]

I know exactly how you feel. I was with my ex over five years, and we were talking about marriage. Three months ago he just decided he wanted a break, and now he's been "kinda" seeing someone else for a month. I've been completely devastated because I truly thought we would be together forever. I still think we will be. I'm hoping he'll go do whatever he feels he needs to do and realize what a mistake he's made. Maybe your guy will too. Maybe he won't.

 

I know I'm trying my hardest to use this opportunity to get myself back, and since there's another girl "kinda" in the picture now I'm not going to talk to him for a while. It seems so sudden that after over five years he could start seeing someone else in two months. It feels like a slap in the face really. Maybe me leaving the picture for a while will help him realize we had something special. I asked him if he still loves me, and he told me he didn't know. He said he wanted to still be friends, but I can't do that right now. He's the one, and I hope he feels the same about me again one day. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wish I could give you a big hug right now...I know I sure need one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In time you might realize that you are actually better off that things haven't worked out. You are both very young and never did have a chance to experience life outside of a relationship. Both of you need time to grow as independent people..go out with friends, find solo interests, travel, get a career going etc. If you two are meant to be you will re-connect in the future. It is better that you both really take the time to experience life without each other. Many people who get married in their early twenties end up splitting as they grow apart. Better that it ends now than after marriage and children.

[zzeitgeist]

I wish you and I would have met at age 22 instead of 18.

 

My ex girlfriend of 4 years said the exact same thing to me. I believe because we dated so early in both our lives that she thought she was missing out on her youth.

 

My EX girlfriends parents dated at an early age and where now divorced and they kept telling her from time to time not to rush things when shes young. I think she got scared because she looked at her parents and saw them divorced and unhappy.

 

I think the whole theory and approach is BS because we had a great connection, even though we had problems, but thats any relationship.

 

Anyway, your best bet is not to stay in contact and agree with this break up. Go with everything hes telling you and try to move on faster then he does, even if its only pretend. This might be enought to scare him that hes losing something great and might bring you two back together.

 

Good luck.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Welcome to ENA and I am sorry that this is what brought you here. I know how much it hurts to lose your partner and the devastation that follows.

 

I think it's a good idea for you to take some time for yourself and create some space between you two, at least for a little while so you can work on healing and he can see what life is like without you and if that is something that he reall wants.

 

Hope you will continue to come here for support, there are some great people here and many going through (or have gone through) what you are now.

 

With time, I promise it gets better, even if it doesn't feel like that now.

 

In the meantime,

 

this thread might help:

 

 

[Lynn07]

Thanks so much for the reply, Needhimso. I felt kind of apprehensive posting on a site like this, but it does feel good to have someone else who knows somewhat what I'm going thru. Yeah, i know what you mean about it being impossible to be friends. i haven't talked to him in over 4 weeks now, which all of my family and friends are shocked, b/c its not like we had a blow-up/fight/breakup, but I just know that I am not strong enough right now to call him without crying.

I also hope that this is a stage that he needs to go through in order to mature and hopefully realize how amazing we are together. We truly did have a great relationship, and it is so hard to try and "get over" him like so many people say when there was nothing wrong with our relationship.

Thanks again!

[RedWingsFan]

Lynn,

 

My situation is eerily similar to yours. I'm 24, the dumper is 22. I found a teaching job after graduating, while she (the dumper) has one year left in school. While the dumper never gave me concrete reasons why she wanted to end the relationship, some comments stuck out:

 

- "I've never really experienced being single in college."

- "Is this it?"

- "I feel like I haven't met a lot of new people."

 

I have gone no contact for 2 weeks, yet she has contacted me 3 times via instant messenger. It is very hard to deal with - I just want to ask her "have you made up your mind?!?!"

 

But I can - and this helps me in times when I am down - is to read posts here at ENA. People have great, uplifting advice about how to keep yourself busy, meet new people, and realize that if your dumper TRULY loved you, they wouldn't have left. 4 weeks is a lot of time - I've only done half that! Just realize that this time is FOR YOU.

[needhimso]

I know. Our relationship wasn't picture perfect, but it was good for the most part. He also wanted a break out of the blue, and he never really gave me a reason. I can understand him wanting to see what else is out there to a certain extent, but we had something so amazing. I do agree that it's hard to "get over" something like this. I feel like I've lost my world. I was ready to marry him, and he spoke about marriage too. Everyone I've told has been shocked. My mom cried because she thought we were so good together and saw how happy we made each other.

 

I don't think it's wrong to hope that they'll come back and have faith, but healing does need to take place. I suppose they need to just figure things out for themselves, as much as we want to help them along. They may come back...they may not. I know I'm going to try to take a step out of the picture of a while and work on myself. I do want to eventually be his friend if nothing else because I do feel he's my soulmate. I can't lose him completely. I get the feeling that this is an opportunity for him and I to grow, and hopefully we will come together again.

 

It's nice to know other people are going through a similar situation, even though I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I've felt so alone over the last three months. If you ever need to talk or vent, feel free to send a PM my way.

[Hope75]

 

I don't think it's wrong to hope that they'll come back and have faith, but healing does need to take place.

 

I would agree with this- I think it's OK to wish they will come back, but your very existence should not hinge on it- you can and should have hope and know that you can have a happy full life even if they don't come back.

[Lynn07]

thanks for all of the support and advice.

this question may be more for males, but i am wondering if this decision of his seems like a phase/"normal" stage, being that he has been in our relationship since he was 18. it is just very difficult to accept the fact that we would be done forever, b/c there were no issues in our relationship, it was really really great. can i hope that he needs some time to be single/free, but that we may end up together?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The thing is he could be perfectly happy with you, but not want to marry for another 10 years and hence doesn't want to get that serious with anybody.

 

And people who get together really young do fall victim to one or the other just seeing other people in the world, and questioning whether they should settle down and select one person very young. They yield to the 'other fish in the sea' syndrome, and want to chase a bunch before they settle down.

 

You could end up together, but time and events do have a way of separating young people. They move off to other places and other people. So you patiently waiting for him to change his mind isn't a good thing. You should be dating other people and seeing what is out there yourself, living your life and having fun.

 

If he does show up later and you are still interested, fine, but in the meantime, don't throw away your own life waiting for something that may not come.

[Lynn07]

needhimso and RedWingsFan, just wondering how you two are doing.

The past few weeks have been really rough for me...not exactly sure why.

[gee]

needhimso and RedWingsFan, just wondering how you two are doing.

The past few weeks have been really rough for me...not exactly sure why.

 

Hi lynn,

 

It's been awhile since you updated on your situation. I know you mentioned how things have been really rough for you. How have you been doing, though? I hope you stuck to NC because that's very important!

 

Let us know how you are dealing with things. Take care.

 

gee