Is anyone else dating an unreliable man with commitment issues?

[mca1975]

Hi

 

I just wanted to hear from any other women who are dating a man like this. Men's views welcome also.

 

I am learning all the time with this one! For the better! lol

 

What is your contact like with this person, sporadic or constant and how does it make you feel?

 

Thank you

[Batya33]

Typically the unreliable men I dated did not have commitment issues - they just did not wish to commit to me. That's a more helpful mindset especially if you're going to follow up on what the person is doing after you break up - and when you learn that 6 months later he met his wife, it might feel worse than if you just accept that he is not willing to commit to you or he is not willing to get over his fears of commitment for you.

 

When I dated men who were unreliable as far as keeping plans I gave them one or two chances and then bye bye unless of course there was a true emergency, which is rare.

 

When I dated a man more than two months who had not yet made it exclusive, I had a talk with him - not confrontational, just telling him I was cool with how things were but wouldn't be forever. Then I gave it another month (in my head - didn't tell him) and at the end of that month I ended it. During that month I noticed he pulled away some - called less, wanted to get together less. It made me a little nuts but it didn't make me want him more (although it would have when I was a teenager).

[mca1975]

ok, so I kind of have to accept that this man does not want to committ to ME...?

So why does he look very upset when he talks about not being able to let go of his past fears? Why does he get jealous about me? ... and why does he confide in me about his private life and past troubles?

[Iceman26]

The first thought in my mind is that if you are dating an unreliable man with commitment issues then why date him?

[mca1975]

Why? well let me see....because I have a need for sex, I live alone and could do with the company at times, I think he is funny, sweet, good looking, we have music in common and a great love for it and he is shy and sensitive which is what I like in a man...

[CaptainPlanet]

Here is my somewhat bitter take.

 

I'll bet a lot of those men refusing to commit in their 30's are blokes who have just got their lives back on track and are finally earning a little bit of money and getting some attention from women.

 

Now they do not want to commit, they want to have some fun. While the woman who had been rejecting them are now ready it comes out as an issue.

 

I think people would be better off if they would just settle for what they can get. That means in your 20's, ladies, you take a choice of the first few men that are willing to commit to you.

 

In your 30's do the same thing settle for someone suitable.

[ImThatGirl]

What is your contact like with this person, sporadic or constant and how does it make you feel?

 

Thank you

 

My contact with that ex was from one extreme to the next.

 

Some weeks constant (if he thought I'd be ending the relationship or moving on with my life.)

 

Other times very lacking.

 

Unpredictable.

 

If you are willing to be patient to see if he can rid his fears then great. But = often times.... I have found that this type of behavior is just engrained in a person's character and they won't or don't care to change.

 

You deserve reliability. Respect. Not having to wonder when you may hear from him.

[ghost69]

how many times a week do you see this guy? also, how long have you known him or have been dating him?

[mca1975]

hi all, its sporadic. Ive been seeing him for over 4 months now. I didnt really know him before we were dating, but seen each other a few times and liked each other. sometimes he will call loads, then he will go quiet for a few days then start up again. He has even left it two weeks before, other times 1 week, etc.

 

On average we see each other, well its hard to say, the last time I seen him on sunday that was the first time in 3 weeks because I called it off and he came back contacting me. before that it was something like once a week, or once a week and a half

[mca1975]

on other occasions, he has been with me for two whole days, and then asked to meet up again the next day! he has spoken with me loads about things between us. He has played a love song down the phone last time i wanted to leave it, which I felt was so sweet

[ImThatGirl]

So - what's the problem? Have you talked to him about his sporadic contact?

[ImThatGirl]

I think at 4 months... I wouldn't want to hear from someone everyday.. ( just my preference right now..) understand that other people do want to...

[Batya33]

MCA you're confusing his jealousy/neediness, etc with wanting to commit to you. Just because he doesn't want you to see other people doesn't mean he wants to commit to you - he might just want to make sure you're available to him when he wants you to be. The psychobabble about his fears is fine and all but the result is it gives him a way to stall committing to you and keep you coming around and being intimate with him.

 

I think it was a mistake to let him see you again without a commitment - if he missed you that much he would not have wanted to risk losing you again - now he knows that he can have his cake and eat it too as long as he tells you how scared he is to garner your sympathy.

 

All you have to accept is that right now he chooses not to commit to you. This could change but I can basically guarantee that it will not change if you continue having casual sex with him - why buy the cow and all.