Temp. Long Distance

[cetfus]

My girlfriend lives several thousands of miles away during the summer. We got together in the Spring of '07, so we spent last summer apart. She was living with her family and doing some part-time work. I, on the other hand, worked full time and was a full time student. The distance was quite difficult because she refused to upgrade her wireless service. We could only talk after 9 pm her time (3 am my time) so that we wouldn't use up her minutes. So I would usually get only a few hours of sleep. I was put through many a groggy day at work because of those late night. It was physically and mentally brutal, but I did it because I loved her. We even had some good phone romance. She is six months younger than me (but a year behind in school) and I'm 22.

 

I asked her to promise that we would never need to be apart quite that long. She agreed. The understanding was that she would get a summer job close to me or I would get one close to her.

 

Then she got a very coveted internship for the summer at a place that is far from anywhere and a thousand miles from me. Luckily, the time difference is only an hour. I asked if she would take a local internship like she promised (but without putting down the other job) and she got quite angry. I was happy for her so I got 100% behind her going. I have even mailed her things that she requested. I never made a big issue out of it. It is her life and I want her to be happy.

 

Well, we are 10 days into the internship and she has stopped her nightly calls to me. She always seems busy when I call. Sometimes she is downright irritated because I am interrupting her getting ready for a party or to hang out with new friends. She says each evening that she doesn't have time to talk because a bunch of people are going to watch a movie in one of the dorm rooms. At first I thought it was awesome that she was seeing another part of the country, meeting new people, and having a good time. But now it seems like I am less and less important to her. I always used to leave her a "goodnight" message on her voice mail. Now she picks up because she thinks it's one of her friends and then gets annoyed that it's me. She raves about the great guys at the internship. This morning I told her that I'd call again on Monday. I missed her a lot, so I called her a few minutes ago. I told her how I felt and her first words were "You said you weren't going to call me until Monday. We're busy getting ready to go shopping". This morning she also said that we would not be engaging in phone romance because of her roommate. This would apply even if the roommate was away. Upon getting accepted into the internship, she promised to me that we could do this. All of this is coming from someone who usually calls me 2-3 times a day, which has admittedly been a little much for me.

 

I am feeling ignored on some levels and worried on others. I don't think she would cheat, but she has a selfish streak some times. It really hurts that our long-time traditions are being pushed aside for optional events at her internship. I work a full day and I used to look forward to calling her on the way home. Now I'm afraid that I'll be admonished for getting in the way of one of her fun events.

 

It looks like the rest of the summer is going to be along these lines. I pointed out my concerns and she keeps telling me that I'm just jealous. I think she doesn't understand some of the stressors that go with "adult life". I have a very stressful job whereas her parents pay for her school and internship. It isn't jealousy. I just need to be able to call her and talk about life. I have needs in this relationship like having my partner listen to what's going on.

 

Any thoughts on how to have a temporary LDR with someone who a) doesn't make time for much contact and b) seems to place people she just met ahead of our relationship?

[Clementine orange]

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this bro, but to me it sounds as if she is trying to give you a message...and I think you know what that message is.

I'd step back a bit if I were you...let her miss you. Clingy is not endearing (not saying you are...but you could be)

There's not much else you can do at this point.

 

She might see this time apart as an opportunity for a bit of a break from the two of you. It doesn't necessarily mean cheating or meeting someone else - more like just a chance to kind of find herself. Don't forget - she's on the big adventure (different place/job and all that) whereas you are in the same place - with all the reminders.

[NorthDallas40]

Shortly before my LDR ex broke up with me, she was acting the same way. She didn't tell me not to call, but her daily calls became once every 2-3 days instead, and even then she was usually busy with friends and cut the calls short.

 

When she called things off, I realized I had to go to NC. It was then that SHE started calling & texting me saying how much she missed me. Now we're back to speaking every day or two and planning on dating when we're in the same town, but it took 4 months in between now and when we broke up for ME to get used to that kind of infrequency.

 

I suggest that you stop calling her altogether, at least for awhile. It will hurt like hell - I've been there - but if you keep calling and nagging, then she's going to drop you fast. At this point it sounds like she's almost ready to break up now, so your best option is to give her space, let her experience her new life, and let HER dictate your calling schedule.

 

This option doesn't sound good, and I know it's not what you want... and it still may not prevent her from dropping you. But I can guarantee that pestering her right now will only make her run away faster. Either give her the space she clearly needs, or decide to take a break.

[cetfus]

So an update... my girlfriend is disconnecting more. I am now calling her (once a day) when she requests and she only picks up half the time. She stopped saying that she loved me at the end of her voicemail, but she does call me sweetie and hun. I called her last night and her first words were "Can we just talk tomorrow?"... I agreed.

 

So I called her back this morning. I asked her very politely what was wrong and she went "there's nothing wrong with me". So I asked what was doing wrong. Instead of saying anything about me doing something wrong (or even saying that I'm doing something wrong), she told me that she didn't want to talk about it right then. Instead wants to talk about it tonight at 11, after she goes shopping with friends. Not at lunch. Not after work. Not slipping away for a few minutes to the bathroom to give me a hint of what's going on... She is waiting until she has gone shopping.

 

I made the case that it was very unfair to leave me hanging like this... her response was that she was busy and didn't want to talk to me about "it" right now. I am unsure exactly what "it" is...

 

So I'm left here until tonight to ponder what is going on...

[cetfus]

So, we got to speak a little earlier than I expected. She said that she was unsure that she wanted to be with me because I might pass on my pale skin and asthma to our kids. Additionally, I apparently don't "listen well enough". She said that a guy at this internship told her to "think a lot" before committing to someone.

 

I didn't know what to say. It's not like I can do much about those things. She said that her dream was to sleep all day on a hot beach and I can't do that. I also get short of breath on humid days. I can go out in the sun with sunscreen, but I'm not going to lay out in the sun for hours.

 

I once mentioned to her that these things were difficult. She reassured me that they were just a part of me.

 

I have a few problems with her logic here. First, her family has a history of breast cancer and back problems. She herself had major surgery at age 13 for scoliosis. Her mother had breast cancer too. Her father became a drug addict (pretty much assumed to be dead) and her sister is addicted to some soft drugs. I don't think she is the one to be disqualifying guys based on genetics.

 

Second of all, she doesn't know the first thing about genetics. She didn't know the difference between an allele or a chromosome. Somehow this guy she spoke to convinced her that pale skin and asthma are death sentences. No one in my family has ever had malignant skin cancer (that we know of) and most have died after age 90.

 

As for listening, she is really saying I disagree with her sometimes. She doesn't like that... she has told me that she wants my ears, not my opinion.

 

It turns out that last night she didn't talk to me because her newfound friends were playing cards and didn't want to be a distraction.

 

She had to get groceries and we're going to talk later.

[cetfus]

So I talked to her again late last night. I had suspected that there was more there than she was saying. I finally got it out of her. She admitted that she was afraid she would cheat on me at the internship. She has never cheated before, so I told her that was unlikely. She agreed that the most cheating she could really do would be making out. In fact, she was a virgin when we started going out. The idea of cheating has repulsed her before... She is just deathly afraid of doing this. Bottom line is I know she isn't going to cheat.

 

She apologized for everything that's happened over the last week. She thinks she's just gone a little nuts while getting used to a new environment.