Got back together, now what?

[loveinlondon]

Hi guys...I had written a positive thread about me and my bf possibly getting back together. It was a success story in the sense that I knew I'd be happy whether I get back with him or not. But now I am confused.

 

We are in our early twenties. We had been together for 7 months when we split up for more than a month,we got back together two weeks ago.We connect in all the ways that matter, we share the same values, interests,goals and we make each other feel amazing, we loved and cared about each other so much. But we became very co-dependent,started seeing friends and family less, and lost touch with who we were. We were seeing each other so much, and most of the time one-on-one which was a bad idea. We made lots of plans for the summer, but we were anxious during the last month. The relationship used to be light and fun but in the end we felt overly responsible for each other, at a time that was extremely stressful for both of us (from work, studies and big personal problems)and felt like we only had each other. Until we realized even the relationship,that used to be so comforting, was stressful. He split up with me - but I had also thought about it. It hurt horribly,but I knew there was no way we could go on like this. I wanted to build myself up as an individual, become independent and reconnect with the people who mattered to me. Even if I knew a breakup was the only way to protect ourselves (and a possible reconciliation for a healthier relationship), I tried to make him feel guilty, and we argued a lot of times, but we didn't see each other after the breakup. 2 weeks after the breakup, i asked him not to contact me ever again, because he used to say he still loved me, and sometimes regrets his decision, which confused me.

 

I was in a different place, a month after the breakup- good things were happening to me, I was seeing my friends a lot, having fun and being independent and confident. I was missing him but I was OK. He kept emailing and texting a lot but I ignored until, 20 days after we last spoke,he left a message saying now the stress from work is gone, he sees more clearly. He sees that we made a lot of mistakes, and that we need to give ourselves a chance because we do love each other, and we have something special. He begged me to at least meet him. We started seeing each other as friends, it was very nice and we were clearly still in love. So two weeks of friendship later, we were in a 'test' relationship. We understood we split up because of circumstances and I needed to know how to be single first, so I trusted him again. And it was lovely - I was scared it would go too fast, he wanted everything, right now. He said he'd never want to lose me again. He made lots of efforts. He even took me on a break with his family I had never met before, I didnt want to but he convinced me. It was a big mistake, and I am now more confused than ever. I was so sure that I wanted him back, and that I got over the nasty feelings of the breakup, but I didnt. We had big discussions coming back from the holiday, because we had both been a bit down (he was on a comedown from drugs - yes, on a family/girlfriend holiday), and it felt strange being non-stop together when I wasn't ready to give love,sex and commitment all at the same time. I am terrified of another breakup. I know things changed, and that he loves me, but when we split up, out of anger, we both said stuff like ''we are not compatible'', ''we are too different'', i didnt mean it, but him saying it as well, really shocked me and I used these sentences to get over him. Now, I am lost. I love him so much, deep down, he is all I want, he is an incredible man and he makes me feel incredible. But sometimes, I switch off and I have trouble remembering why I love him, because I am still so hurt by the breakup, especially if we spend a big amount of time together,and he's down or stressed and we have little to say. Like during the holiday, he was so depressed , I was defensive, and there was pressure on me meeting his family, so obviously it wasnt the best of weekends, but we did have some amazing moments where I was so in love and glad to be with him. But I wonder if, when we're quiet, he thinks I'm boring and thinks of splitting up with me again, and it puts me on edge. I worry I need to constantly be happy and smiley to be loved. I protect myself so much that I don't want to show my love. He is anxious as well, and is worried we went too fast again, and doesn't want us to mess up stupidly again. I dont want to lose my independence, and he doesnt want me to rely on him too much again.

Today I told him I need time and space, and Ill see him in 2 weeks, so we can forget about these heated discussions and see clearer. But I am so confused - are my feelings normal? If I love him so much, why do I find it so hard accessing these feelings sometimes? I feel scared and I wonder if we should stop everything now, before I am too involved and get hurt again. The recent anxiety around our relationship scares me, could it mean we just cant be together? what if he suddenly decides I'm not that great?

 

 

i know that if we are both happy in our personal lives and stay independent, we could be an extremely happy couple. But right now, I'm too worried to be positive and trust him.

 

 

Thank you for your help, I'm sorry it was so long but I thought I needed to put as many details as possible.

[lainOS]

I think sorting out these feelings first is important. you may or may not want to share the concerns wtih him. if you do you can see just how hard he's willing to work. going in when your not ready is probably the worst thing you can do for a successful relationship.

[louhere]

I think your feelings are completely normal…a mixture of fear of rejection and the pain associated with that and your feelings of deep love for him.

I have had to bury my feelings of love for my ex just to try and get over the experience of being dumped I have these emotions damned up inside me waiting for me to feel safe enough again to express them. When I see him now it is strange - familiarity, newness and love tinged with pain. You just need time to feel safe and confident that he won’t harm you again and I guarantee he feels the same way.

[looloolola]

I know you are hurt how he broke up with you, but the way he came back to you shows he really does love you, he tried really hard to get you back it seems, I believe you cannot successfully reconcile unless you let go of the past, what was his reaction to your request for a break?

[loveinlondon]

Thanks for your replies...

 

looloolola, he accepted the break but i asked it in a text msg like "instead of meeting up in 4 days, can we wait 2 weeks so I have more space and less pressure to find things out?'', he freaked a bit and called me to ask if everything is fine because for him its all good.

 

 

God I am so anxious about this. I was so sure I loved him and can be with him, but the discussions we've had scared me so much. I am so worried the same pattern of dependency is coming back, but I also try to remember it is normal we freaked out (he was coming down from drugs, i had pressure to meet his family, things were moving way too fast for me,...)

 

I feel terrible about how I went too fast - anyone out there who's getting back with an ex, MOVE EVEN SLOWER THAN WHAT YOU THINK IS SLOW. It's so familiar so its so easy to think you can overcome such bad memories.

 

 

For the first time, I wonder if I really love him, or if I just worry about him. I love looking after him, I care so much and I feel that when we started seeing each other again, I have let myself kiss him,be his gf, have sex with him,go on holiday with him,take drugs with him because that's what HE wanted all along. I didn't want any of these things to happen, it was too fast but I felt pressured. I knew it was wrong but I worried about his own feelings, not mine.

 

 

Yes he seems to love me, but for the first time I am questioning my feelings towards him. He is all I want, he makes me feel so good and safe, but at the same time, he destroyed me by the way he handled the breakup and he doesn't feel as safe anymore.

 

I hope that nasty feeling will go away...

[looloolola]

so when he broke up with you how long did it take him to come back?

[loveinlondon]

Well he asked me to give him a second chance a month after we split up...around 2 weeks after we've been NC.

 

 

To anyone who feels the dumper was never really sure about the breakup and it was an impulsive,sudden decision, I have to say that ive noticed in my friends and my experience that this type of breakup doesnt last, as soon as the raw emotions from the arguments fade, the dumper remembers whats good about the relationship as a whole.

[RedWingsFan]

Well he asked me to give him a second chance a month after we split up...around 2 weeks after we've been NC.

 

 

To anyone who feels the dumper was never really sure about the breakup and it was an impulsive,sudden decision, I have to say that ive noticed in my friends and my experience that this type of breakup doesnt last, as soon as the raw emotions from the arguments fade, the dumper remembers whats good about the relationship as a whole.

 

 

As much as I hate to hang on for hope or to strings, thanks loveinlondon. My girlfriend, a week ago, made an impulsive and sudden decision to end it. She was almost in tears because she simply didn't know what to do. It was a tough decision and she opted to have more space and time to see if she really is in love with me or not (she said she may not be, and that she has become "emotionally disconnected" from me recently).

 

Also, I think your negative ideas will fade. Just take things slowly and don't really think about them. We all make mistakes; some are just bigger than others. It takes a lot for a person to admit such a mistake.

[sparrow]

Thank you for posting this... I am feeling EXACTLY the same way right now. I don't think or don't know if my ex and I are in talks to get back together again, but my relationship was 4 years long and this has happened twice before.

 

I think we're in "talks" to see what happens, but I'm totally doubtful. And I think I just worry about this person more... I mean, I LOVE him, but I'm totally doubting the longevity of my feelings for him and it's scaring the crap out of me. I never thought I would feel this way about this person.

[loveinlondon]

RedWingsFan and Sparrow, I'm glad my thread helped!

 

 

 

Thats funny,Im going through exactly what 2 friends (a couple) are going through. My friend dumped his gf (a messy breakup..)because of stressful circumstances, he was scared of commitment, they argued and he assumed he didnt like her that much, after 9 months together. Two months later, he was still missing her terribly, realized he did love her, was still depressed (they were on NC - her choice) .They met up 2 months later, and asked her back. They were friends for weeks til they got back together and went a bit fast. They argued once, since she is very distant, doesnt contact him until he does, but tells him she needs time and doesnt want to breakup. He tells me he is slowly getting dumped and regrets how much he hurt her months ago, but I think she's like me: we are both really upset an argument happened again because we remember that months ago, our bf's gave up on us when an argument arose and it is extremely difficult to tell ourselves that this time around, they know they love us and won't give up that easily.

 

 

I need to realize that I can't treat him like that, avoid him just because he hurt me in the past. He hasnt done anything to push me away this time,but the breakup was so hurtful and I cant help but associate arguments with him disappearing. Arguments hurt me much more than they hurt him, he knows that when he gets furious, the feelings of anger towards me arent real and decisions shouldnt be taken then, because he split up with me out of anger and regretted it after.

 

 

He calls me,texts me, to tell me lovely things and he apologized for the way he overreacted at me being shy around his family because they loved me. For him everything's fine because arguments are just arguments, when for me its a massive warning sign on the road to another painful breakup I do love him though, but so worried about meeting him again, im scared that if I dont appear like the perfect smiley happy gf he'll give up.

 

 

I am really telling my whole life to enotalone....but it feels good!

[looloolola]

That is so great that you are realizng this, I hope everything works out, I can only hope my ex realizes and comes back, our story is exactly that of your friends (the couple you were talking about)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I see the big problem is that both of you never really distanced from each other long enough to really think about things that went wrong. He broke up with you, and in dumper fashion, still wanted to hang on. When you finally went into no contact, he couldn't handle it so he immediately ran back to you...but the problems are still there...there is still the rush of the relationship, the anger etc. From the time of breakup and nasty words to the time of reconciliation was only 1 month...and really basically only two weeks since the first two weeks you were in contact. So the issues in the relationship never really got sorted within yourselves...and the only thing that really happened is that the unpleasantness of the break up is front and centre in your mind rather than the wonderful things you shared. Now what is happening is that you are over-compensating for the what happened and are now pushing him away. This relationship is not healthy...nor was it healthy before since you both lost your individuality for this relationship. You can sort this out together if you both have a heart to heart talk about your feelings and what went on and how you will change the workings of the relationship to make it better. It doesn't sound like either of you have really done that. If you are together now, you backing off like this and saying don't contact me for a couple of weeks is going to put a wedge further into the relationship. Since you both have chosen to get back together, you both need to TALK to each other and come up with a plan on how to overcome the difficulties.

[loveinlondon]

That is very true crazyaboutdogs...We both knew the reasons for the breakup didnt really apply anymore if we could be more mature about this, and he didn't feel rejection during the breakup, but for me it is very hard to not be defensive and scared.

 

 

I am torn....

 

 

I had him on the phone, he is so relaxed, he says he knows it'll be all right as long as we take it slow, we stay independent and we give ourselves a chance. I can't trust what he says, before we split up he said he loved me but he still left.

 

Maybe I am realizing we are not compatible. This is so silly because there is no way I can tell. Before the family get together, we had the most magical 3 weeks together, as friends and as lovers. I was so excited, so passionate, rediscovering this amazing man I fell in love with. Then during the holiday, I felt so pressured to meet his family (he put pressure on me, subconsciously) and it made me moody a big part of the trip. When he got annoyed I was moody, I felt rejection again, I felt unappreciated and that he'll leave me again just because I am not energetic and loving 24/7. We did have incredible times there as well - but the fact he didn't like me being moody made me feel like he forgot about all the good times.

 

 

I dont know what constitutes a healthy relationship anymore. I am not obsessed about him anymore, I like him having fun without me, meeting people, not seeing him everyday. I used to be possessive, now I am very happy I have my own life on the side, which make me a better person and girlfriend. But because I never felt like that before, I feel that maybe Im no longer in love.

[loveinlondon]

WhisperInTheDark...that's a very good thread...I have to ask myself if it is worth it and what changes i can really bring. How is it working for you atm?

 

 

So many things are clouding my judgement at the moment, fear, lack of trust, insecurities. But I think I realize I don't have much to fear...I love him, but before we split up, we had this cycle...This pattern I dont want to happen again. Being happy together for weeks, then getting closer and closer, until we get to the point we spend days in doing nothing, being quiet and bored, just having sex. Then we pull away, have some distance, do our own thing and then we feel like ourselves again and ready to be loving and caring again. It is that fine line between between being comfortable and taking each other for granted that we often cross...When we spend days doing nothing, it shuts our brains off a bit, we see each other as sexual objects and dont appreciate each other as people. When we make efforts to do stuff together, go out with other people, we have lots to talk about and have so much fun...but after 2 days being nonstop together staying in we start to wonder if we love each other. OBVIOUSLY it isnt attractive to be next to someone who's just next to you, eating, having nothing else to do than lie in and cuddle in bed...Im not talking like, just a morning...the beginning is fine but after 1-2 days its pathetic. I want to feel like I am desired, not a possession who doesn't open her mouth. In the past he didnt seem to mind.

 

It may work during the honeymoon phase, but after a while, it takes work to keep romance alive.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is no reason why you can't have that with him? It actually sounds to me like now that the honeymoon period is indeed over and you realize that you need a more mature relationship, you are not as interested so perhaps you are using the "I don't trust him anymore because he broke up with me" excuse to distance yourself from the work that needs to be put into this relationship. On the one hand you see that what you had before was not viable for a long-term relationship..but on the other hand you don't really seem to want to fix it...you are backing away from him but claiming in a sense that it is his fault because he had broken up with you for 5 minutes (really, the breakup was only 5 minutes in the grand scheme of your relationship). It sounds to me that as long as the romance is there and everything is fresh and new...you are on board and in love...but the minute things get a bit difficult (meeting his family) you are questioning your love and your commitment to him. I think rather than distrusting him, you should be looking within yourself and your own level of commitment to a real relationship...not just the fantasy of love and hearts and flowers and sex..but the real true meaning of a relationship.

[loveinlondon]

Ok so... Thanks crazyaboutdogs. That's probably what I didn't want to admit to myself. The prospect of an adult relationship is scaring me. I definitely love him - I just don't like the immature way we used to relate, the efforts that are needed, accepting that I made lots of mistakes that led him to breakup with me, he didn't have a choice.

 

Today I realized how stupid I am with this whole thing, I am analyzing every single detail and that makes me forget the reality of my relationship - it's fine, it's good times, he's a great guy. Not much needs to be said around it, especially at a phase where we need to start fresh.