My son is the abused!

[metrogirl]

So my daughter and her brother are extremely close. They confide everything to each other and he told her that his girlfriend has been physically and emotionally abusive to him.

 

He is 20, she 21. They live together and have been for almost a year. She has become very volitile with him, often striking him and leaving marks (scratches and or bruises). I raised him to NEVER hit a woman, so he isn't going to fight back.. He downplays everything saying that she didn't mean it, or she was just frustrated from a bad day at work. I told him that it is never okay for any kind of violence. She has over time, become more aggressive with her behavior towards him.

 

She has alienated him from his friends and family. She's turned into this controlling and manipulating woman that none of us like anymore. He comes over to visit only rarely because she doesn't trust him away from home for very long and when he does come by she is constantly calling him on the phone hen pecking him to hurry up and go back home.

 

I've tried talking to him, as has his sister to no avail. My daughter wants to talk to the girlfriend. I didn't think it was a good idea as I don't want the relationship between her and her brother to be strained.

 

Any ideas?

[RayKay]

I feel for you - I have an uncle (whom is a cop by the way!) whom is emotionally and sometimes physically abused by his wife - and it is very difficult as we cannot force him to leave...and it is has only gotten worse and worse.....it is horrible.

 

I don't think your daughter talking to his girlfriend is a good idea either (I think it will cause her to cut him off even more from family) - but I think you two (and other family) need to sit down with HIM for an intervention of sorts; he needs to know that it does not matter how crappy a day she had - it does NOT excuse her behaviour; and he needs to get out of this situation.

[DN]

I think that all you and your daughter can do is to warn him of the dangers and say that you will be there for him if he decides to leave.

 

One thing that he should be made aware of is that it would not be unusual for him to find that he is the one who is accused of physical abuse and is arrested and charged at some point.

[metrogirl]

I feel for you - I have an uncle (whom is a cop by the way!) whom is emotionally and sometimes physically abused by his wife - and it is very difficult as we cannot force him to leave...and it is has only gotten worse and worse.....it is horrible.

 

I don't think your daughter talking to his girlfriend is a good idea either (I think it will cause her to cut him off even more from family) - but I think you two (and other family) need to sit down with HIM for an intervention of sorts; he needs to know that it does not matter how crappy a day she had - it does NOT excuse her behaviour; and he needs to get out of this situation.

 

It's so sad.....we see and hear so much about the females that are abused that many of us forget that men are sometimes victims as well.

 

Thank you RayKay....I really hope that we can find a way to help him see that is no way to live.....It's so ironic, when he was a child, he saw how his father abused me and he despises people that abuse other people.

[metrogirl]

I think that all you and your daughter can do is to warn him of the dangers and say that you will be there for him if he decides to leave.

 

One thing that he should be made aware of is that it would not be unusual for him to find that he is the one who is accused of physical abuse and is arrested and charged at some point.

 

I often worry about that, DN. It happens more than you can imagine. I had a friend of mine that was arrested for domestic violence. He would never hit a woman, he grabbed her wrist to hold her off. The only visible marks on that woman were red marks around her wrist. He was charged and she was let free. So very twisted....

[15 Storeys High]

Unless he is able to admit to himself that her behaviour towards him is abuse there really isn't much you can do. It's the same with anyone that is being abused. Until that denial is stripped away and they see it through the eyes of others they will continue to make excuses for the behaviour directed towards them and nothing will change. It's entirely frustrating to have to watch this sort of thing happen, particularly to a loved one but all you can do is be there for him and work your hardest to ensure he doesn't become anymore alienated from you and the family.

 

It's also a difficult situation because it's the atypical abuse situation.....the female abusing the male....It is common but of course it isn't heard of very often because of the whole stigma attached to gender roles. It does make it harder for the victim to see what's really going and the denial is so strong that it seems almost impossible to penetrate. Just keep gently chipping away at it and eventually it will crumble. It's a waiting game I'm afraid.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh wow. Yep, I knew a woman who was physically abusive to her boyfriend...her father had been abusive. She took on the same role as her father. As with male on female abuse, the roles and behaviours of the abuser and victim are the same, just the genders are reversed. There is nothing you can do..no interference which will magically open your son's eyes or his girlfriend's eyes. This abuse dance is there own private world and outsiders who try to interfere will be given the cold shoulder, not only by the abuser but by the victim. Your daughter should not talk to his girlfriend. The only thing that will result in is the girlfriend forbidding your son from having anything to do with his family. It will further isolate him.

[metrogirl]

Oh wow. Yep, I knew a woman who was physically abusive to her boyfriend...her father had been abusive. She took on the same role as her father. As with male on female abuse, the roles and behaviours of the abuser and victim are the same, just the genders are reversed. There is nothing you can do..no interference which will magically open your son's eyes or his girlfriend's eyes. This abuse dance is there own private world and outsiders who try to interfere will be given the cold shoulder, not only by the abuser but by the victim. Your daughter should not talk to his girlfriend. The only thing that will result in is the girlfriend forbidding your son from having anything to do with his family. It will further isolate him.

 

yeah, that is exactly why I told my daughter to just stay out of it. I don't want him to dis-associate himself from the family that loves him.

[Jeen]

I don't think you or your daughter should stay out of it, the relationship you are talking about is abuse, it is not something that will get better or change and the longer you and your daughter stay out of it the more your son will see it as you are condoning it.

 

It is not something you want to see your son tied-up in for the rest of his life. You will only come to regret it a year from now that you didn't say or do anything.

 

Bottom line it it is abuse, action should be taken.

[RayKay]

I don't think you or your daughter should stay out of it, the relationship you are talking about is abuse, it is not something that will get better or change and the longer you and your daughter stay out of it the more your son will see it as you are condoning it.

 

It is not something you want to see your son tied-up in for the rest of his life. You will only come to regret it a year from now that you didn't say or do anything.

 

Bottom line it it is abuse, action should be taken.

 

I don't think anyone is saying they should not do anything...but that they should not have the daughter talk to the girlfriend - I work with abused women and believe me, that will NOT make things better (and will often make things worse).

 

You cannot force him to leave her, as others suggested all they can do is talk to him and be there to support him. Until he is ready to leave; he won't, no matter what others do...but they have to be careful of not alienating him in the process further.

 

Again, no one here said they should not do "anything"; they said they do need to be careful about how it is handled so as not to make things worse.

[15 Storeys High]

Yes. They've really got to try not to alienate him because he will start to feel they're always on his back, badgering him and not listening to him and he will start to retreat and become closed and guarded around them. And that will make the situation even worse because he'll feel like he is truly alone in this.

[metrogirl]

Gosh all of this has me so depressed. I want so desperatley to find a way to help him. He was always such a happy person. I can see how some people think I should intervene, I have been tempted several times but the fear of him pulling back is what stops me.

 

I have repeatedly told him that my home will always be his home should he ever need to come back.

[Jeen]

The longer you leave him in a situation like this the harder it will get to let him see this is wrong, he is only 20 years old sow he and his girlfriend aren't that long together, take action now.

 

I would rather alienate someone than standby and allow abuse. The abuse has already happened and I will never stop even if he do want me to. Stopping abuse is not about love or friends or family it is about it is wrong.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The longer you leave him in a situation like this the harder it will get to let him see this is wrong, he is only 20 years old sow he and his girlfriend aren't that long together, take action now.

 

I would rather alienate someone than standby and allow abuse. The abuse has already happened and I will never stop even if he do want me to. Stopping abuse is not about love or friends or family it is about it is wrong.

 

So how do you propose that she force him to leave this situation? What would you do to force him out?

[metrogirl]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for a debate to take place amongst the members. I understand your theory Jeen, I just can't force him to leave her. I can't force him to do anything. Maybe that is why I feel helpless. He is not as responsive to his sister as he was at first. He doesn't want to talk about it like before because his sister has already made it clear to him that she doesn't like his girlfriend, that she is sick for doing what she does and he is crazy for staying. I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open with him because if that fails then I feel I may never be able to help him.

[15 Storeys High]

I suspect that he knows that what's going on is not right. He's not stupid. It's one of the most difficult things in the world to admit that not only are you being abused but that the person who is supposed to love you doesn't. To admit that makes the person feel worthess, ashamed and who wants to admit that sort of stuff to themselves, let alone the people that you value the most? Trying to force it out of him just isn't going to work.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for a debate to take place amongst the members. I understand your theory Jeen, I just can't force him to leave her. I can't force him to do anything. Maybe that is why I feel helpless. He is not as responsive to his sister as he was at first. He doesn't want to talk about it like before because his sister has already made it clear to him that she doesn't like his girlfriend, that she is sick for doing what she does and he is crazy for staying. I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open with him because if that fails then I feel I may never be able to help him.

 

Since he is of age, you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. The only thing you can do, which you have already done, is express your concern and have an open door policy for him. Pushing too much will drive him further away and more enmeshed in the abuse. You just have to hope that one day he will wake up to it and will have had enough...hopefully sooner rather than later. Remember that he too is getting something out of this relationship or else he wouldn't stay.

[Jeen]

So how do you propose that she force him to leave this situation? What would you do to force him out?

 

Start by laying abuse charges against her. It may never go anywhere but she will know you are starting to take action. Get her angry enough and she will turn her anger to wards you and then you start to take her apart piece by piece.

 

Keep telling your son she is not worth it, and you are there for him come hell or low. You love him and he should leave her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Start by laying abuse charges against her. It may never go anywhere but she will know you are starting to take action. Get her angry enough and she will turn her anger to wards you and then you start to take her apart piece by piece.

 

Keep telling your son she is not worth it, and you are there for him come hell or low. You love him and he should leave her.

 

Unless she actually witnesses the abuse, she can't charge her. Also, there are many cases of abuse victims calling the police and once the police come they change their story. If the OP attempts to get the police involved, she puts her son more at risk. You also do not do anything to deliberately push the buttons of an abuser because they are loose cannons already....breathing funny can cause an abuser to go off on a rant so deliberately provoking them can put anyone in the vicinity at risk. If she keeps telling her son she is not worth it, he will side with his partner and completely turn away from his mother.

[Jeen]

You also do not do anything to deliberately push the buttons of an abuser because they are loose cannons already....breathing funny can cause an abuser to go off on a rant so deliberately provoking them can put anyone in the vicinity at risk.

 

That is precisely what you want. If you can get someone to act this way you have won. You need fire to fight fire. You need to get under her skin if you want her to leave. Cops don't like to get involve in abuse most of the time, but when a situation turns this way thy usually start responding.

 

It is never easy to stop abuse, the only way you can stop it is to be proactive. Sometimes you have to be mean to get a positive outcome.

[15 Storeys High]

I don't agree Jeen. Pushing someones buttons can lead to someone getting seriously hurt or killed. And if that happens no one has won.

[RayKay]

Start by laying abuse charges against her. It may never go anywhere but she will know you are starting to take action. Get her angry enough and she will turn her anger to wards you and then you start to take her apart piece by piece.

 

Keep telling your son she is not worth it, and you are there for him come hell or low. You love him and he should leave her.

 

No, she will turn her anger against him and isolate him even more; as I said, I have worked with women trying to leave abusive situations and this is precisely what happens. You do NOT want to alienate him further from family; as he will feel even less like he has a place to go.

 

Unless they have seen the abuse (or he lays the charges himself which until he admits it is abuse he likely won't do) they can't charge him.

[Jeen]

I don't agree Jeen. Pushing someones buttons can lead to someone getting seriously hurt or killed. And if that happens no one has won.

 

What will be the outcome if we leave this abuse to carry on, maybe the same, you only have to read a newspaper and you will see this. It is something you have to commit to a 1000% if you want to stop it.

 

It depends on how much you are willing to get involved and how much you are willing to offer up.

[15 Storeys High]

You make it seem so black and white and easy to sort out when in reality it just isn't like that. If one doesn't want to admit they are being abused there's pretty much nothing anyone can do. I don't think it has anything to do with being willing enough or putting in an effort.....you seem to be implying that if you don't report the abuse or force an admission from the victim then you aren't trying to help and that just isn't the case. I think Metrogirl is doing the exact right thing. She will be the one he turns to when he's ready to open up and start talking. Until then, there's little anyone can do.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You make it seem so black and white and easy to sort out when in reality it just isn't like that. If one doesn't want to admit they are being abused there's pretty much nothing anyone can do. I don't think it has anything to do with being willing enough or putting in an effort.....you seem to be implying that if you don't report the abuse or force an admission from the victim then you aren't trying to help and that just isn't the case. I think Metrogirl is doing the exact right thing. She will be the one he turns to when he's ready to open up and start talking. Until then, there's little anyone can do.

 

 

I absolutely agree. As tragic as it is, there is just no other way. If it was so cut and dried, I am sure there would be a lot fewer people remaining in abusive relationships. People don't stay in abusive relationships because their family and friends didn't care enough, people stay in abusive relationships due to co-dependency issues which only they can sort out if they are willing.