How to overcome insecurities? help please xxx

[Hunny1607307342]

My boyfriend has lately had insecurities. There are a number of reasons for this (as of late) which have caused this.

Those reasons arent to do with me though.

But every time we try talking about them, we end up arguing.

He says I'm not at all empathetic and ends up losing his temper by the end of the conversation. But its because I get really frustrated and start developing an aggrivated tone, because he asks me the most PEDANTIC questions about men. E.g. men being well endowed etc.

I try to avoid such uncomfortable topics, and there this makes him think I'm not cooperative in our talks.

The last conversation we just had resulted in him saying 'you know what, forget it, i can't talk to anyone, and worst of all i can't even talk to my own girlfriend'.

I feel really bad about this, and I know I'm really not helping him (probably making him feel worse) but I'm beginning to think that, as much as he sees me in a bad light right now, maybe his issues just aren't fixable by me? Is it something he needs to fix by himself??

 

I did apologise to him for not being sensitive, but that never makes a difference after he's already lost his marbles.

[Lana0120]

I'd agree with your own assessment. There's nothing you can do to fix his insecurities. He is the one who needs to work on them. So are his questions mostly about comparing himself to other men?

[CUEngDude]

As a guy I know how hard it can be to battle insecurities; be it with women, work, or anything else. The one thing I find really helpful is talking to other people who share my insecurities and just realizing that I'm not alone and that my worries really are just insecurities that everyone has helps a lot. Maybe recommend him to this site or try and get him to talk to other guys about it. Because I'm sorry to say it but in my experience, other than offering him your support, you'll never be able to resolve him of his insecurities.

[Mlost]

If he's asking you the questions that makes him uncomfortable, then he has a responsibility in this too. What are you going to say "Oh no baby, you're the BIGGEST man I've ever been with."

 

But you also need to just tell him to stop asking that stuff, steer him away from those areas and then make sure you actively focus in our those qualities about him that you love and build those up in his life.

[knightNshiningarmor]

a little white lie to make him feel better and you feel better is really that big of a deal...you know us guys tell you gals you look great even after a couple bad weeks and you put on a couple pounds or well say no we love your breast just the a hand full is all we need...so much little tidbits why because we know in the end it wont make a difference but in the now it will make you guys feel so much better...so why not in this little area can you not just return the damn favor...seriously...the times ive been given the compliment of "best" whether they were true or not i dont care it made me feel like i was on top of the world so whats stopping from you giving your man the greatest compliment any one woman can give to a man.

[knightNshiningarmor]

something like...you know ive been with other guys but no one makes me feel the way you do...that right there is not even a lie...yet still make him feel worlds better....i bet he is just worried of what you might be telling to your friends.

[Seymore]

I can't speak for all men, but a lot of us have the dumbest questions going through our heads, and they sound even dumber when we vocalize them. And we know we probably won't like the answer - but we ask anyway - and when the answer isn't a good one (if the girl is honest enough) we get even more insecure.

 

But it IS the guy's problem to deal with. My gf is a very honest person, especially when it comes to this. No matter what I ask, she gives me the answer, whether I like it or not. And if I don't like the answer, hey - I asked for it.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hey thanks everyone for your advice it puts into perspective for me what a common issue this is...it felt really bad at the time but now the disputes are over for now it seems okay. I guess fundamentally it is something he has to sort out by himself and i have to go along with being honest (or else he spots it which makes him mad).

[Batya33]

I think you need to respond "when you make comments like that (can't even talk to my own girlfriend") I find that manipulative. I am your girlfriend, and I care about you, but asking me to talk about whether you are [well endowed] is putting me in an awkward position because no matter how many times I reassure you that you are, you are not satisfied. Asking me to compare you to other men is unfair to me. I should not have to be put in this position by my boyfriend, just like you think I should be able to do this "comparison" since I am your girlfriend."

 

Was this one of the issues that caused the break up a few months ago?

[Hunny1607307342]

Thanks Batya. Funnily enough its not an issue that had been around before..part of me thinks perhaps it is DUE to the break up and all the time apart, but it is silly as he knows i was never with anyone else during the whole time. Anyway, I'm sure it will blow over in time. And if not then i'll just be really firm and make some sort of come back similar to what you've suggested.