My girlfriend won't have sex with me.

[Scrawnyirishboy]

Okay, So honesty is the best policy in all of this, so I guess you guys need the details to give me the best advice.

 

I started dating my girlfriend in November. (november 5th, to be precise). Back when we started seeing eachother, everything was pretty awesome, We had alotta fun, worked crazy hours which hurt getting to see eachother alot, but whenever we did, we were physically intimate and had plenty of sex to fulfill my needs. Whenever she was on her period it was still okay because she'd make a point of it to tell me how much she physically wanted me, and how she couldn't wait to get off her period so she could have sex with me again, so on and so forth.

 

I kind of put her on the backburner to my partying and drinking. This resulted in her kind of pulling out of our relationship, which I had no idea was in trouble at this point. We stopped having sex pretty abrubtly (obviously because she felt used and felt we had a lack of intimacy and all.)

 

We stopped having sex at the end of December. Since then, We've had sex twice, once at the end of April and once a couple of weeks ago.

 

One thing I realized through all of this is my inherited drinking problem. She didn't know how bad I was with it luckily, although since sobering up (I attend meetings now, I am in AA, working my steps and whatnot) I have been honest with her about it. I have never cheated on her, nor thought of it, to be honest, I'm not even attracted to other women right now. I only want her, and that feeling isn't reciprocated.

 

Every time I've brought it up, its lead to arguments which lead to her saying things like "The sex is all that matters to you". (obviously not true, based on the ammount of sex I've been getting. And I never had a problem getting laid before I got into a relationship, kind of an ironic paradox.) Then we get into fights and break-ups and get back together and each time she tells me theres something else we need to work on in our relationship to get to a sexual one again. (well, its usually something else I need to work on.)

 

I've tried being more romantic with her by surprising her with gifts, bringing her out to see her favorite bands (who i hate) spending much more time with her, talking more to her, opening myself up to her and trusting her more/asking her to open up more with me. On top of it all, I've been sober 72 days and am taking an active roll in AA, and I make a point of it to let her know so that she knows I don't ever want to be that to her again. None of it is good enough.

 

Its getting out of control, and I'm starting to lose hope. I am totally in love with her, and I want to spend many more months/years maybe? with her, and she tells me she wants a sex life with me, but then whenever I try to innitiate it (which I always have to) she usually just rolls over, and then when we argue about it, tells me i'm doing something wrong. Up until recently, I had no idea I wasn't making her orgasm, which i desperately want to do, but it feels like she's given up hope on me and doesn't give me the oppurtunity to try! The one out of two times we had sex recently, She wouldn't even let me try to get her off by touching her/going down on her, which makes the sex like, a million times less worth it for me.

 

I'm going nuts. My self esteem is at an all time low, based on me coming to grips with the emotions I've been pushing away for so long with alcohol, and my girlfriend making me feel inadequate. It doesn't help that she's bisexual, and used to date women exclusively. Everytime she's out with one of her guy friends, I'm finding myself jealous/untrusting, AND when she's with her girlfriends, especially her lesbian ones! I've never been like that before!

 

 

Please, somebody, tell me I'm just doing something wrong so I can fix it. I love my girlfriend and don't want to have sex with anybody else right now, but she makes me feel like she's thinking the opposite.

[Rabican]

half way through your post I was thinking... well maybe if he spent more time with her, bought her flowers.. tried to be romantic... then you stole my advice and said you were already doing that.

 

I think I would consider spending LESS time with her, and make less of an effort to having sex. See if that does anything for like... I dunnno maybe a week or two.

 

If that does not work, I would tell her that you want to try counselling.

 

Or simply tell her that you love her, and yes you want sex with her but its not just about getting off. You love her, and having sex for most people is a big part of expressing that love. Having a girlfriend that shuns you and shows no interest and then says if you do x y and z and then jump through flaming hoops backwards then MAYBE ill have sex with you... and then doesnt... well thats not a big turn on for you. And its crushing your self esteem and making you wonder * * * is wrong.

 

If she cant come up with a viable reason for this, or tell you what you really need to do to fix it... eh Id hit the road.

[Scrawnyirishboy]

Its getting to the point now that I feel like her menstrual cycle has turned into a shot-clock. They usually last for a week, and last time she got it late (which was kind-of scary) and obviously didn't want to have sex during that period. It was 6 days late or something. At this point I have like, 5 more days, then I have to wait a week until theres even a remote possibility of having sex again.

 

Honestly, its not even about me getting off. I'm a guy, we pretty much ALWAYS get off. I want to sexually satisfy my girlfriend to atleast some extent, and I want her to be proactive in our sexual relationship. Honestly, If every once in a blue moon she got ontop of me and told me how much she wanted it, I'm pretty positive I'd be the happiest guy alive.

[greywolf]

I know this girl means a lot to you, but she is very manipulative and selfish. It's one thing for a girl to not want to have sex due to personal reasons, and another thing to with hold it because she wants something from you. I agree with Rabican. I think you should back off for awhile. I think right now she enjoys the control she has over you.

[redhearts]

Gf wont have sex= cheating.

 

well mosta the time.

[thejigsup]

This whole thing is her personal power trip. No matter what you do, it will never be enough. You are working on your problems, she can ask for no more than that. I'd let her know this stuff is getting old and she'd better change her attitude, quickly.

[Eire1]

I think that for whatever reason, she has emotionally moved on - away from you. Perhaps during that period where you neglected her she built up a lot of strong animosity - coupled with the fact that she never orgasmed and not telling you, just made her stop liking you romantically.

 

I've dealt with this kind of physical rejection and I can tell you that it will do serious damage to your overall self-esteem.

 

I think you need to try and start to pull away from her if possible. Give her her space, and you try and enjoy your space as well. The love seems to be gone and you are trying to force it back to where is once was.

 

It sounds like she's only with you out of convenience and familiarity at this point, but has no romantic feelings for you, whatsoever. It wouldn't surprise me if she has someone else that she's fallen for -whether man or woman.

[ladyblue07]

So let me see if I understand. You started dating in November 2007. By December 2007, things went sour?

Sorry, but it sounds to me like that first month was just the "Yay, new relationship!" excitement. These problems you've been having since then are just your fundamental incompatibilities showing up.

Some women just don't like sex that much. It just isn't that important to them like it is for the vast majority of guys. Her history of lesbian behavior would also strongly make me suspect she just doesn't WANT to have sex with men.

 

You guys haven't been together long enough to bother with stuff like counseling in my view. It's not like you two are married with kids. You've just been dating a few months. This is where I would say "Sorry but we just don't want the same kind of relationship" and move on to someone who enjoyed sex with men.

If you enjoy her personality, it might be good to try to stay friends - but it's jsut going to lead to more frustration to try to teach a lesbian to enjoy sex with men.

[wtm78]

get a grip of yourself. brave up. work on your self esteem and drinking problem... stop thinking about having sex and start respecting her as a person... start to put her needs before yours.. maybe you can still salvage your relationship...

[Rabican]

get a grip of yourself. brave up. work on your self esteem and drinking problem... stop thinking about having sex and start respecting her as a person... start to put her needs before yours.. maybe you can still salvage your relationship...

 

sounds to me like he is working on her needs, only she keeps upping the ante every chance she gets, which is unfair and manipulative.

 

Id sort of back away from the relationship... be nice to her still. But call her less, dont make as much effort to see her etc. Let her call you. Dont attempt sex. See if that gets you anything... if it doesnt... new gf time?

[mystic97z]

this sounds almost identical to my relationship with my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years. We have sex about 1 time every 2 months. She also used to be bisexual which i don't believe plays any role in --OUR-- relationship.

BTW i'm 23 and she's 21, and we live together alone in our own home

I will tell you my experiences. I've done what some people have advised you to do, be nice, and as soon as i do one thing, i'm not doing another, and as soon as i start doing that, its something else.

I've also tried to distance myself and acting like i didn't want sex, and oddly enough that amounted to me having even less sex! lol

A friend of a friend is having the same problem as me and was told by his wife they she loves him, but isn't in love with him. Whoever said she's with you out of familiarity hit the nail right on the head!! i'm getting closer and closer to believing that! My g/f says its because i'm not nice enough to her. That might be the case but i have the attitude of "bills come before play" and we never had the opportunity to date before we moved in together,

No Dating + me not kissing her ass all the time + our familiarity = No sex for me!

i even try to tell her what EVERY other guy would do in my shoes (leave or get sex somewhere else) and it does nothing for her.

I've even offered medical help ??

good luck man

[LostInFlorida]

You say that during her "periods" you have no opportunity for sex? Maybe thats true in the sense that you dont have vaginal intercourse. But as long as she doesn't have a toothache or a hemmohroid(sp?), you can still handle your business. ;-)

 

j/k

[zeevegal]

Masterbate.

[oggief]

If she tells you that she doesn't, then she's lying and she's probably not into sex that much.

 

Then if she tells you she does, ask her how often... if its more than once a week you have psychological issues with her, and you have to work some more on earning her trust.

 

Lastly, if she admits to masterbating a fair amount, then ask her to describe (or better SHOW) you what she's doing to herself to make herself orgasm.

 

That might help you learn how to get her off first, which should help her be more interested in having sex.

[chocolate-cake]

I think everyone is taking the fact a girl doesnt want to have sex right now way too extreme....medical help W.T.F!!! Maybe she is just not in the mood or is sad about something else in life, it feels like ur obsessed about it, i think u shuld not talk about it for a while and try work on relationship communication and then maybe bring it up later on if still havingproblems.

plus i dont like the sound of "oh it was ok wen she was on her period because she told me how much she wanted me" ???? it sounds like she had 2 give u sex whenever for "YOUR high sex drive" maybe shes had enough...that would put me off.