help! strange situation

[sungirl2008]

Ok everyone, I am seriously confused, I have no one to turn to, and this is the first time I'm turning to online support, I feel so alone and don't know what is right and what is wrong. I'm begging you to be my therapy.

 

To make a long story short, I was with a man for seven years (ages 19-26) and I loved him. All through college he was the center of my world, I gave up having friends (except one girlfriend) for him and I thought he was the sweetest guy. We got along really well intellectually, we had great conversations and it was fine in college. But then afterwards the reality of life kicked in, he got accepted to grad school and moved there, and I initially moved in with him, but I just wasn't feeling satisfied. First of all his culture is different from mine (My family is from Asia and his is Caucasian) and this was the cause of a lot of misunderstanding. I think it is ok if two peoples' cultures are different, as long as they truly make the effort to understand and embrace and respect each other. However I just consistently felt he couldn't understand me, and couldn't understand my relationship with my family, being so different from his. I moved back with my family and just sort of broke off the relationship, not officially, but just moved back and sort of broke it off. It wasn't just the culture, it was the fact that whatever he said to me didn't help me, he didn't give the advice and support that I needed. I knew he loved me very much, and I loved him too, and it pained me to separate from him, but I knew I needed to go, I just couldn't stay with him. Also I felt like I never really had a period where I was completely on my own and lived on my own, and time to find myself. People usually go through this stage, I think, in their mid 20s and I felt like since I was with the same man for so long, and since I never lived on my own, I didn't really get this experience. Anyway, so I moved back with my family and I planned on being single for at least six months, and not thinking about a relationship at all. At the time I really thought in my mind that I need a good break, and I thought that he would be my eventual partner. He went through a really painful time and I felt really bad about that.

 

Anyway it just so happens that I had a guy friend for the past two years and he happened to live where I moved. I never considered him as more than a friend, although very soon, just two weeks after I moved back, he confessed his feelings for me! I was secretly attracted to him, I guess, and I decided to give it a shot. Boy, did sparks fly! He turned out to be the best, sweetest guy ever, and very importantly, he gave me the support and understanding that I was missing from the first relationship. Only problem is, he was 13 years older than me ..... (I was 28 and he was 41). He had also been through a few divorces, so I knew he was more experienced than me. (I never dated a guy before my previous relationship). He gave me everything I could want in a guy, love, romance, passion, support, faith, friendship, but mentally I was not there. I could not give him my heart because my heart was somewhere else. I still thought about my ex, although I tried to push him out of my mind, it kept coming back. Six or eight months into this new relationship I had a moment of weakness and started emailing my ex. My new boyfriend has an amazing instinct or something, he came to find out. And he was hurt, and I said to him that I just wanted to make sure we were friends and that I was over him. The truth was, I wanted to be over him, but I wasn't. A few months later I started getting very depressed and anxious and I sent this long email to my ex talking about how I love him, and how he has a place in my heart that no other man can take. I wasn't trying to get back with him, I was just pouring out all that I felt. My ex emailed me back saying that he moved on. My new boyfriend READ that email (I don't know how he got access to my account) and got very, very hurt and broke up with me. My new boyfriend thought that I was trying to get back with my ex and didn't like the fact that I loved my ex.

 

Now, I understand my new boyfriend's point of view. It's not cool to contact your ex especially saying that stuff and I understand how his trust with me was broken at that point. I didn't tell him ever that I was contacting my ex. But I feel like I didn't have the time to mourn in the beginning. Hooking up two weeks after a 7-year long relationship is not a good idea. I didn't have the time to distance myself, and this came back to bite me. Ironically enough after I poured out my feelings to my ex, I didn't feel that way anymore, I felt kind of fine. But the damage is now done.

 

The thing is, I really really like my new boyfriend (I guess he's my ex now) and miss him so much. I feel like the kind of genuine love and support that he gives is such a rare thing to find. At the same time though, I don't know if it's a good idea because he is over 40 and I'm in my late 20s and he also has a kid from a previous marriage. I don't know if my family would accept something like that, they are very traditional people. He's so perfect except for these unavoidable situations. But I'm afraid I ruined things. I didn't cheat on him physically, but I feel so guilty and sorry.

 

Is there any chance of salvaging things? I always believe that persistence pays, but you gotta make sure it's the right thing. I don't know! I know what I did was wrong, but I just couldn't help it, keeping all these feelings inside. I'm sure that if I stayed single for 6 months after my original breakup I wouldn't be having all these issues. Any advice out there? I'm DYING of sadness and pain and depression. I'm so sad. Should I feel guilty? Help!

[musashi]

...he was the center of my world, I gave up having friends (except one girlfriend) for him and I thought he was the sweetest guy.

 

Welcome to ENA! We love you, we feel your pain, but the above quote therein lies all the pain. Need no one for your happiness because you never know when they can leave and take it with them. And, alas, that is what has been done. Grind out your pain. Grit your teeth and regain yourself. That is the only way to pave the way to your happiness.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I sent this long email to my ex talking about how I love him, and how he has a place in my heart that no other man can take.

If your boyfriend sent an e-mail to his ex like that how would you have reacted?

 

The problem is that you didn't do thios sort of thing once but twice. And this guy is probably wise enough to understand that you could easily do it again and isn't prepared to take the risk. Especially if he also understands that you have doubts about him because of the age gap and cultural differences.

 

It seems you have to convince yourself that you love him enough to have a good relationship with him before you can even start to convince him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You had two men who really cared about you and yet you sabotaged the relationship each time. It sounds like you want what you can't have and you don't want what you actually have. You threw both guys away. Now you want this latest ex back...but while you were with him, you were pining for your previous ex. The problem is within you. Nobody actually twisted your arm to start this relationship two weeks after your other one ended. I think you really need to take time to be single and figure out what you really want in a partner. For all that you say that you need 6 months alone...it doesn't sound like you can actually handle being alone...it sounds like you need someone in your life...yet once you have it, you throw it away. Take some time on your own and forget about this latest ex. You hurt him very badly...you were with him in body but not in spirit and that is a painful thing for him to realize.

[arcadefire]

I feel like you could either try to patch things up with ex 1 or ex 2, or just find someone new. You never said you love ex 2 but you did genuinely love ex 1.

 

I think it could've ruined any chances of you getting back with ex 1 by dating ex 2. The love letter you sent is a huge blow to your most recent relationship.

 

In this case you probably should move on. It doesn't sound like you want either of them back and if you do have them back, they might end up getting hurt again.

[dreamwarrior]

After breakups whether your the dumper or the dumpee people just want to rush into new relationships....for goodness sakes where is the breathing room?? You said that you never had the time to be on your own and experience your freedom and then 2 weeks later you find another guy and not even over the 1st one...why such desperation to be with someone??? What about being with yourself for awhile? Do you need a man in your life to validate your existence?

 

After being in a long term relationship at any age or for any long period of time and it ends it's best to just spend time on your own taking some time to know yourself or you will continue to make the same mistake time and time again.

 

Please give yourself some space and breathe a little while before you end up jumping from one unhappy situation to another.

 

Good luck

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You're being passive in all these relationships... The first thing you have to realize it that you can't just drift in and out of relationships, and you need to truly finish one before drifting into the other.

 

And you can't just drift out of a long relationship with someone, move back with your parents, and expect him to hang around and wait for you, especially if you are dating someone else. And you owe it to the person you are dating to try to be fully present in the relationship, and not drift back and forth in your allegiance to him and an ex.

 

So the key word here is 'drift'. You need to start asserting a bit more control of your own life rather than letting whomever you are with at the time (boyfriend or parent) determine the direction your life takes. You need to start making plans and decisions, and stick to those plans and decisions regardless of pressure from outside sources.

 

So you let your parents determine your life, your first boyfriend, then back to your parents, then the second boyfriend, then back to the first, and now you want to drift back to the second boyfriend again. This is not getting you anywhere you want or need to go!

 

I think the second boyfriend isn't right for you if he is seriously older and you were still looking towards the first boyfriend. You need to put them both behind you. I also think you need to move out from your parents house and start really building a life of your own. Spend a year alone learning who you are and what is really important to you, without letting some man or your parents make decisions and influence you.