Becoming the bull.

[MrsLovett]

A new account. A new Journal. A new story of life.

 

Or what you would call a life.

 

I always have trouble starting things like this. So I guess I’ll start with how I’m feeling.

 

Emotionally, I’m feeling a lot better than I have been and better than last night.

Physically I’m feeling a lot better so I guess this is just a good day.

My chest has been awesome so has my stomach, but my head is still spinning a bit. I’m going to go back to a doctor soon though, because I told Dylan about by chest pains and trouble breathing and he says it sound like asthma. –Shrugs-

 

I’ve still gained weight. Dylan has been making me eat more. I am trying for him. It's hard, I hate the way I look. When I like what I look like, than maybe I’ll eat properly. Maybe

 

That's enough for today, yes?

[Censored]

yes .....................

[MrsLovett]

I can't stop thinking about the future.

What I’m going be, work related and emotionally as well.

Am I going to be this huge, depressed lady who can’t seem to being herself to face reality and remember that the past is the past.

-sigh-

I'm getting told that I'm only young and i have ages to decide.

But the truth is that i have six months left of schooling and then I'm out.

I don't know.

 

Buti have been eating more i guess.

I don't like it.I'm going to get bigger and grosser.

Ick.

[MrsLovett]

I ate alot today, bleh.

 

Five days.

And no i still don't know what i want to do for my birthday. Celebrate?celebrate what? That i'm older and i still have no hope and future plans?'That i'm running out of time to do something with myself?That i've wasted away so much time?

 

My god.

My brother is growing into the biggest ****.

Honestly.

He's going to get addicted.

*** him, i dont care about him anymore.

If he wants to do that * * * * and take it out on me, he desereves it.

 

-sigh-

[MrsLovett]

-stabs immune system-

 

Honestly, it's like the what? The millionth time I have been sick this year?

Bleh.

 

It will be my birthday tomorrow.

And I’m not excited. My friend was so much excited about it than i was.

I don't see the point. As i have said above, there’s nothing to celebrate.

 

But something odd and mildly good happened today.

My friend who is tiny, just skin and bones, weighed herself on those odd things in the shopping centers, while I held her stuff.

I weigh about the same, a little bit less than her the last time I checked. She is only like two centre meters taller than me to. It made me feel good.

[MrsLovett]

I don't know, people think that they are better than other people.

I'm so sick of EVERYTHING being about joe.

Joe Joe Joe.

I HATE IT.

It's like, rules don't even apply for him. I can't do anything that might upset him, no of course not. We can't have our precious upset can we now.

I want equal rights. He doesn't do anything round here.

You wouldnt treat him better than me if you know what i know about him.

But i'll just bite my tongue.

 

About fifty Days till Ellie leaves.

She'll miss my graduation and my eighteenth.

I'll miss her.

 

Two weeks.

I just have to hold on for two more weeks, then i'll be stress free....... Doubt that.

It's exam week, and i have exams and assignments for tafe and school due this week. I'm stressed. I have a **** load of work to do. But apparently it's not as important as cleaning the house.

 

Apparently I don't do enought at home to help out. I don't do two jobs, School AND five subjects at tafe, tutoring and driving every week or anything you know....

 

I don't know if my eating is improving or getting worse. Is there even a difference anymore?

 

-sigh-

[MrsLovett]

I ate a lot today

Breakfast, little lunch, lunch, afternoon tea and mum is making me eat dinner.

She said I don't eat enough and that I'm getting to skinny.

I wish.

Insanley busy week this week. Exams and assignments to the max.

 

I don't know how to comfort those closest to me.

It's hardest thing to see them upset and even harder to know that im hopless and can't really help no matter how hard i try.

 

Gosh! Today Shay told me that she wants to go to schoolies with me.

Me. The person who doesn't matter, doesn't exist.

I was like woooow.

I told her she just go with Bec like she planned.

But she said she didn't really want to in the first place and it felt wrong going without me.

I don't know wether to believe her.

I told her i'll see, becuase i asked Dylan to come with me some where [which is true] and i don't want her ditching Bec. Bec needs her[which is also very true.]

 

I felt so down last night. And i couldnt talk to anyone.

I managed to get myself to an okay level and then i texted Dean.

I'm proud.

I managed to get over it and not worry anyone in the process =].

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Please worry me. I love you

 

Sorry to attack your thread. I'll shush now.

[MrsLovett]

Oh hai bird talker =]

 

I helped Dyaln study math today. It made me smile, helping someone, doing what i enjoy. Math and Spending time with Dylan =]

 

Dad leaves tomorrow with Joe.

Bye Joe =]

 

I have english tomorrow.

I havn't done my presentation yet D=

I plan to do it in my spare.

 

Dylan told me i was a lot hapier today.

I think it was because i had about eight hours sleep and a proper amount of food in my system. =]

I glad about the sleep thing i guess.

When exams stop, I plan on cutting back down.

I eat to much. I'll just turn into a blob.Yuck.I already feel gross. But i know i need alot of energy this week.

And i'm feeling better, no longer sick.Yay liza.

[MrsLovett]

Am i happy with my weight?

I weight 1.9kg above my ideal weight.

My BMI is about 18, which classes me as underweight, but that’s highly unbelievable.

I think I’m hungry now, but I don’t know. I feel like I have gained A LOT of weight. So I don’t want to eat.

I had subway before. That should do me.

 

I got a B on my English speech =D

Yes, I am proud of a B, leave me alone.

 

I should really do my TAFE assignment, it’s due tomorrow.

[MrsLovett]

I don't know how, but I’m trying my hardest.

How do I help those closest to me?

I try, but it never works.

 

I'm sick of getting in trouble for anything and everything.

And no, I’m not saying that lightly.

As I’ve said a million times, my schedule is a bit crazy, and I do get highly stressed.

I’m aloud to take one gorram weekend off work aren’t I?

No, apparently not. I have to work or I get screamed at.

I would like a weekend off. It would be quite nice, but no.

It not a gorram bad child.

I try, so hard to be f--king gorram perfect. But I never am!

I don’t know why I even try any more.

[MrsLovett]

It’s those moments late at night that really make you wonder.

It makes you dwell on life.

On what you ate, who’s thinking of you, Why you said those things you said andwhay you could have done to make it better.

And it’s also those late night that we sit and try to convince not only ourselves, but others that there is a life that is worth living. That there is sunshine after a storm.

It’s also those lates nights that make you think of things you have lost, things you have gained.

 

I don’t know why I find it so hard to open up to people about certain stuff.

I know they say it not a worry or a bother to them, but I still don’t want to weight them down with all my stupid problems.

 

-I love you with all of my heart, you mean everything to me.

-I bet you say that to everyone else.

Ouch much?

It's okay though.

 

I can get throught this.

 

 

The days I've felt alone.

And the sea, it brings me back again.

So that I can see my wife.

And I can see my child.

Home, I'm home, it never changes,

Same old faces, same old places.

 

I stared into oblivion and found my own.

I stared into oblivion, into oblivion.

 

Find in me the home,

That you have never known.

Find in us the faith.

The faith to bring you home.

 

I stared into oblivion and found my own.

I stared into oblivion and found my own.

I stared into oblivion, and found my own reflection there.

(reflection there)

 

Home. Now that I'm coming home,

Will you be the same as when I saw you last?

Tell me how much time has passed? x3

 

I stared into oblivion (and found my own).

I stared into oblivion (and found my own).

I stared into oblivion (and found my own).

I stared into oblivion and found my own reflection there.

[MrsLovett]

I wrote a story today =D

First time in a while, even thought it was for QCS.

I'm quite proud of it. Even thougth it probably horrid. Like always.

But you get that.

Dad and Joe came home today. Just thought you should know =]

 

And i ate WAY to much today. Eww

[MrsLovett]

It is so cold. I don't remember it being this cold last year, or the year before.

 

I'm still yo-yoing with my eating. This i cannot help though. I have been doing since forever.

Dylan wants me to gain weight so i weight 50kg.

I don't want to make him disappointed, but i know that if i do i will get so much more depressed. I mean i barely like what i look like now. Let alone gaining more weight.

 

Holidays are nearly over =[. dammnnn. actually, not damn. i like school. I get to see everyone. But i'm not looking forward to TAFE. It's not like i hate TAFE. But it's just so tempting not to go.

 

I can't remember the last time i cried as hard as i did the other night. I though i was going to cry up my insides. =[

I desereve it though.

 

Call me a name, kill me with words

Forget about me, it's what I deserve

I was your chance to get out of this town

But I ditched the car and left you to

 

Wait outside

I hope the air will serve to remind you

That my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath

And my words are as timed as the beating in my chest

[MrsLovett]

I feel so rejected, ditched, so alone, however you want to say it.

 

I wish i could stay happy.

[MrsLovett]

I talked to the guidence officor today and i told her nearly everything.

She gave me some suggestions of what i could do.

I chose to see the doctor and give them the form that She gave me.

Then they will tell me and give me options about what to do my 'depression'.

 

-sigh-

[MrsLovett]

My cat Toffi, got hit by a car.

The people accross the street found her.

She was hit in the face.

My baby.

 

We put her in her bed, the one i picked out.

m and dad covered her face so i didn't have to see it. i saw blood though.

 

We are burying her tomorrow, in her bed.

 

It hurts. So much.

 

[--11-05]-[20-7-08]

[MrsLovett]

Were going to bury her soon.

 

I feel so gorram sick. Like i'm going to, i dont even know.

[MrsLovett]

It's cold.

and i have had a headache scince thursday.

Except it was really bad last night.

i would say it was head splitting, but then i thought about a week ago last night.

not nice.

 

Ellie leaves in one week.

=[

[MrsLovett]

I'm finally feeling alot better =]

Yay me..

I had tonsilittus, nausia and a fever.

Horrible mix.

But I better now and alot happier about that =]

 

I lost weight when i was sick. Now i am my old ideal weight.

It's a nice thought but i have to try gain weight up to 50 for dylan.

I love that boy. He means the world to me.

He does everything for me and he is always there to listen to me when i need it the most

Unlike some other people.

 

I get to talk to Ellie over webcam =]

It's pretty cool, shes having fun =]

 

I've been happier latley, it's probably because i'm not sick. I don't really care what it's from but i love it.

[MrsLovett]

Blerrr, I feel so fat.

Ive gained weight, so I'm slowly creeping back to 50. But as i predicted, i feel like * * * * t.

 

Yuck yuck yuck yuck.

 

I have the busiest week. I'm falling behind so much.

 

I have some throat/cough thing. Lame. I was better for how long?

 

I have like this rash type of thing on my belly and back. It gets randomly itchy. It's lame and mum gave me some bath oil type of stuff to try make it go away.

Lame.

[MrsLovett]

I found out that the rash was from taking tonsillitus medicine while having Glandular fever.

I also found out that i had Glandular fever. Lame.

 

So busy latley. =/

I don't like it alot.

 

Oh i talked to my mum about not returning to TAFE next year. She wasn't happy =[

She says it's only a year and all that.

But i don't really want to.

Why would i pay that much money to something that i don't enjoy and probably wont do in the future?

 

-Sigh-

 

I really felt like self harm last night. I wasn't upset or anything. I just wanted to feel, alive? I don't know.

I guess i justed wanted to feel real. I called Dylan instead though. =]. I'm really lucky to have him

 

He's really the only thing i have left now

[MrsLovett]

I was going to post a entry saying everything that was on my mind and got a lot of stuff off me chest, but then the computer died.

 

So i'll just leave it at, I've finished QCS =D

[MrsLovett]

I fail at life.

I wonder why I'm even here any more.

Fcking hate it.

 

 

 

And now I'm get teased by my grade and tenth graders, yay me.

What did i do to them?

[MrsLovett]

Eww.

all i have done this weekend is eat rubbish. YUCK. Nowonder why i'm gaining the weight.

Mum is also at me to gain more weight, "you look to skinny.." I WISH!

She still wants me to see the dietician, i don't want to. What will they say/do?

-sigh-

 

I try my hardest to be everything that i should be. I really do, i don't know why everyone doesnt believe me. -sigh-

One week+one term=omg * * * willido?

I don't think i want to do TAFE, but if i don't what will i do? Mum and Dad will be extremly disappointed. But i don't know.

 

I have this dream, but thats all it is. a dream and it's always different. This would make no sense to anyone else but me, i doesn't even make sense to me.