how can I meet new people / go out alone?

[traeh]

So I used to be able to go out alone no problem. Okay, I'm a shy person, so I had to psych myself up for it, but I'd do it, and generally have a good time and meet some people (never anyone I'd want to date, but a few nice people).

 

The thing is, I haven't gone out alone in a while, because (.. cringing as I say this) I'm afraid of what other people may think.

 

I know it shouldn't matter, but I hate the question, 'who did you come with?' or the myriad other ways people ask 'are you alone?' Also, I just feel weird standing there by myself.

 

I wish that I had people to accompany me. However, since my college friends and I parted ways, I haven't really made any new friends (besides some people at work).

 

Basically, I would like to try to make new friends and find a way to meet guys. I know one way to do this is to go out on weekends. Also, I feel like I'm missing out on the fun by always staying in.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Pat Payne]

Traeh, you could replace "guys" with "girls" in that last sentence and describe my own problem. One thing I can suggest though is link removed, where people arrange online to meet in person with social groups (and there are ones for almost any topic you can imagine!). I've met a few people in meetups, and if nothing else, it's helped me a bit with my social anxiety.

[Samedy]

I like team sports. There are many organizations that offer drop-in nights for all different kinds of sports. Those are fairly easy to go solo to. Tons of people go alone.

[traeh]

Pat Payne-- It's funny that you mentioned link removed. I actually am a member. I just haven't been to any of the scheduled events yet. I'll have to make an effort to go to one in the near future...

 

Shawn-- Would you really prefer to hit on a girl that's alone? I feel like I get the cold shoulder because I appear like a 'loser' or 'desperate' when out alone. Maybe it's just the vibes that I put out. I don't know. I'm an attractive person.. so I don't get it.

 

Samedy-- Where do I go to find out about recreational sports teams for twenty year olds? craig's list?

[Samedy]

Pat Payne-- It's funny that you mentioned link removed. I actually am a member. I just haven't been to any of the scheduled events yet. I'll have to make an effort to go to one in the near future...

 

Shawn-- Would you really prefer to hit on a girl that's alone? I feel like I get the cold shoulder because I appear like a 'loser' or 'desperate' when out alone. Maybe it's just the vibes that I put out. I don't know. I'm an attractive person.. so I don't get it.

 

Samedy-- Where do I go to find out about recreational sports teams for twenty year olds? craig's list?

 

For me there are two really super organizations that I participate in, and if you're living in a big city, you might have access to something similar.

 

The first organization is called *my city name* Sports and Social Club. A lot of the bigger cities have this one. The emphasize meeting new people and playing sports. I wouldn't classify it as a meat market or anything, people join to play.

 

The second organization is called *my city name* Outdoors Club.

 

You should see if your city has any similar organizations.

[iwishiknew]

I have no friends, and going out alone sometimes is really hard for me to do. I don't know why but it is. Sometimes if I decide to go out, there are times when I would arrive to the place and most of the time I will have a hard time getting out of the car and most of the time I won't get out of the car and I just end up leaving and driving around and ending up back at home in my bedroom.

[lanty3]

Hi traeh, Let me give a bit of general advice here. First of all, I responded to another current post of yours; you're the teacher who has the problem with noisy students and i told you to use the starter pistol. I got a LOL from one poster, I was kidding, I thought it was funny.

(Ahem)Seriously now, you seem to have a bit of a problem with confidence and being shy. I have the same basic problems. But the over riding problem is lack of experience.

We all move at our own pace and deal with problems in our own order.

I still go out alone, but now it doesn't bother me what people might think. They may think: "loser". But they might also think(if they even notice) "just a guy, on his own".

The point is, you gain strength and character by honestly dealing with your problems, even if it's just a little at a time, baby steps. People will notice this(students included) and treat you accordingly.

[traeh]

hey lanty--

 

Yeah, I guess you are right about just needing to experience growth on my own. I am a shy person. So basically, what you're saying is that I need to just deal with my problems on my own, and I'll learn as I go.... right?

[lanty3]

traeh, I'm really sorry if I gave you the impression I was being rude or dismissive. No, don't stop posting. I've improved myself by reaching out and accepting advice, it's a two-way street. Whether it's therapy, following this site or taking risks on trying to build friendships, it's what I did. I wasn't suggesting a "do it yourself" approach. Just giving you my personal experience. Sorry.

[Kinetics]

Yeah I can relate with the OP. I am pretty comfortable going out alone if it's something I love doing, like watching a movie or going climbing or practicing photography at the park.

 

For example, I'm not a big fan of the clubbing scene, I'm even uncomfortable going with a group of friends, so I probably wouldn't do it alone either. I think it's a matter of doing the things that you love and don't really care what others think of you despite being alone. From there, you might meet new people.

 

I've noticed I've met a lot of new people through similar interests, none however led to any romantic outings but that's fine. It's not like I started a certain hobby to look for women [although others do it, which is fine].

[traeh]

lanty-- don't be sorry. you didn't give me that impression at all. i just thought that you were advising that i learn through experience.. in order to become more confident/less shy.. rather than depending on this site so much.

 

i really appreciate your input. it's good to get advice about life from someone older and wiser. and someone that's been through this quarter life crisis thingy...

[JadedStar]

"Who did you come here with"? You: "I just dropped my girlfriend off at home as she wasn't feeling well and i wasn't ready to go home yet".

 

Is it a fib? Yeah, but who cares. If that makes you feel more comfortable then don't worry aobut it. Over time you wno't feel the need to make excuses anymore.

 

I am 41 and have not been single for long periods of time in my life but i still like to go out alone on occasion. I dont know, there is just something liberating about it. Maybe BECAUSE i haVe always been in a relationship is why sometimes i have that need to venture out by myself. I have never felt the need to make excuses to anyone as to why i was there by myself. And no one ever asked. I think people can tell i carry myself with confidence and they figure it is none of their business and i must have a decent reason to be out alone.

 

I really like talking to interesting people even if they are strangers. They won't be strangers long. That is probably why sometimes i like to go out sans the SO and sans the friends because when you go with someone else you are limited and not able to talk to others as much. You tend to get stuck in that same circle of people you came with.

[LanceVanceDance]

Be confident and don't conceal the truth. It won't be embarrassing unless you let yourself get embarrassed by it.

 

How about "None of my friends wanted to go out tonight, but I did, so here I am." or something similar? If anything it'll make you seem independent, which is probably a positive trait to most people.

[ghost69]

a girl goes out for a drink by herself. she WILL meet guys.

[traeh]

a girl goes out for a drink by herself. she WILL meet guys.

 

the question is.. what KIND of guys will she meet?

[Lue Fec]

traeh: wherever she goes she can actually find ANY kind of guy.

[crosstownTraffic]

a girl goes out for a drink by herself. she WILL meet guys.

That is not always true ghost and traeh, this post is one I was thinking of writing myself.

 

I'm starting to hate the bar scene, mainy, I guess, is that I don't have many people to go out with also. My friends, we all work different hours, so the nights I want to go out, my friends are staying home going to bed early to get up for work.

 

I feel stupid also coming to a club, where everyone is there with their friends, and having no one to talk to.

 

I do know how you feel traeh. I wish sometimes I had "someone" to accompany me too, so I did not feel like a fish out of water at times.

 

I feel, though, that it depends where you go. some places are just, well, "cliquey", if you are not part of a crowd, then no one is bound to speak to you. Yes, ghost, guys can be that backwards and unfriendly to a single gal.

 

Then, again, sometimes.. everyone in the place is willing to say hi and be friendly. I would like to find more places to go out during the day myself, as it gets expensive anyway, having to pay a cover charge just to go into a club, having a drink, or a few drinks, even if it's a soft drink... and just trying to "fit in" with a crowd who's brought all these buddies to, and they are not interested in meeting any new people, esp. single new people.

 

Some people are weird like that ghost, they won't speak to a person who's by themselves.

 

That site link removed.. is that available in the United States too?

I would just like to find a website, that is not necessary a dating site, sort of like this one, where there were options of getting to know the peopel on the website, if you had something in common. That would be cool.

[bicksford]

 

 

I just wrote that... In addition to that, while I was out at the beach I said hi and had a friendly conversation with a couple young surfers about the waves. They didn't seem to think it was strange that I was by myself and they were friendly because I was. I just got on my board and swam up to them. Just say something.. breaking the ice I guess people call it. Talk about anything you can think of... a shirt or the weather. It's a little soon for me to give advice but anyway, best of luck.

 

p.s.: about being alone. I did wonder a few times today if I seemed like an outcast and felt a little bit ostracized but then I rationalized, I have dozens of friends at college, but they don't live around me. I have a few very attractive female friends and I have some really cool guy friends. I'm only alone at this moment so if they can't take time to see that it's their own fault I guess.

[ramsickle1369]

Traeh, you could replace "guys" with "girls" in that last sentence and describe my own problem. One thing I can suggest though is link removed, where people arrange online to meet in person with social groups (and there are ones for almost any topic you can imagine!). I've met a few people in meetups, and if nothing else, it's helped me a bit with my social anxiety.

 

THANK YOU PAT!!!!! I have been looking for a way to meet some of the thousands of people in my local area. I've been here two years and have tons of interests, yet I sit and do nothing too often! I'm excited at finding link removed! I am now trying to figure out what to do first! I always have a hard time going the first time, but I just CAN NOT sit another SoCal summer INSIDE!

 

Thanks again Pat! I think this is a tremendous opportunity and am terribly excited! YAHOO!

[boo121]

So I used to be able to go out alone no problem. Okay, I'm a shy person, so I had to psych myself up for it, but I'd do it, and generally have a good time and meet some people (never anyone I'd want to date, but a few nice people).

 

The thing is, I haven't gone out alone in a while, because (.. cringing as I say this) I'm afraid of what other people may think.

 

 

to admit that is a kool thing to do. Theres 1 way to get over this. And its to go out to a bar / club on your own. Go in at 9pm and stay until it closes. Set up camp in the corner of the bar get a drink and watch how no1 gives a damn what you're doing. no 1 cares! If you are really afraid of doing it, thats a better reason to go and do it. If some1 comes up to you and asks if you are here on your own, just say "yep im lonely have no friends, i also have low self esteem and self conscious about it" The response you get is like right out of a movie.

 

Avoid having conversations with people too.

[traeh]

crosstown traffic--I feel exactly the same way as you. I hate the 'cliques' at certain clubs/bars. It kinda makes me wonder why some people go out; they might as well just hang out at home, crank the music, and dance together for a few hours. I mean, obviously there are people that go out to have a good time with their friends. However, bars/clubs sometimes are social environments, so they should be open to mingling with others, not shutting people out.

 

I do find that sometimes guys will approach me and other times, they won't. It depends on the scene.. and possibly the vibes I'm giving. I do agree though, that it is extremely annoying when the bar is full of 'cliques' that stick with each other and ONLY with each other. One of the reasons I prefer going out solo is because I hate being glued to the people with whom I arrived. It's boring.

 

bicksford--I think it's cool that you wandered outside of your element and talked to people you didn't know. Sometimes, breaking the ice with just one person, can make you feel more confident.

 

boo121--haha.. so true. I have observed people sometimes when out at the bar... and they really couldn't care less about anyone. They're just there to enjoy themselves .. not to worry about what other people are doing.

[ramsickle1369]

to admit that is a kool thing to do. Theres 1 way to get over this. And its to go out to a bar / club on your own. Go in at 9pm and stay until it closes. Set up camp in the corner of the bar get a drink and watch how no1 gives a damn what you're doing. no 1 cares! If you are really afraid of doing it, thats a better reason to go and do it. If some1 comes up to you and asks if you are here on your own, just say "yep im lonely have no friends, i also have low self esteem and self conscious about it" The response you get is like right out of a movie.

 

Avoid having conversations with people too.

 

What would be the point of doing this if the goal is to go out to be with people? I can sit anywhere and still be alone. My goal is to meet people... And drunk people are often only fun when you're drunk.

 

As a female, I would never ever go to a bar all by myself and stay till closing. It's simply not safe.

[MD Geist]

I go out alone 90% of the time and I find it highly amusing when I do cause its presents a great challenge for me and I feel more productive by myself than someone looking over my shoulder and saying your doing this wrong or you should do this or you NEED to do this.

 

Don't get me wrong I like it when I go out with friends but I feel more comfrable by myself.

[ramsickle1369]

You're lucky MD, guys can do this without feeling unsafe. Girls have to worry about date rape drugs, overly zealous guy groups and all around creeps.

 

I've been looking into the link removed and am really excited to try it out.

[Samedy]

You're lucky MD, guys can do this without feeling unsafe. Girls have to worry about date rape drugs, overly zealous guy groups and all around creeps.

 

I've been looking into the link removed and am really excited to try it out.

 

Also look into sporting groups. I must sound like a broken record, but a lot of these groups play sports in the evenings and then go for a drink afterwards. That way you can go to a bar with a group of people, and you've had the chance to figure out who is good and who to stay away from.